So the other day I re-read a blog I wrote from 3 years ago. In that blog I talked about how we as educators all too often don't practice what we preach. We talk to kids every day about being who they are, being true to themselves, etc, etc, etc. We tell them that everyone is special in their own way and that they should celebrate their differences, not try to fit a mold.
And then we turn around and force them to sit up straight, feet on the floor, etc, etc. I talked about how we do that to kids and then tell them to read. That is the LAST way I would choose to read. I don't focus on a book well in that situation. I need to be sitting back, or lying down or something.
So today, I was thinking about that blog post and my thoughts and in walked my first class of the day - 6th graders. 6th graders who, in some cases, really are not fans of school and don't necessarily play the "game" of school very well. One student in particular in this class, struggles with paying attention, staying on task and remembering that he is not supposed to talk whenever he wants to.
They were the first class of the day so they were getting the chairs out. This student grabbed his chair and then proceeded to sit backwards in it and face the kids behind him. I almost told him to turn around and sit the right way. And then I stopped myself. Mind you, this was all in my mind in a matter of a split second. anyway - I looked at him and said, "That's fine, sit that way if you want. But please turn the chair around then so you are at least facing me so you are able to focus on what I'm saying."
He looked at me - shocked. I had to repeat that it was fine, but he needed to turn the chair around backwards then so he was facing the front of the room. He was speechless for a moment, which is a rare, rare occurrence for this young man. Then he turned his chair backwards and sat backwards in it facing the front of the room.
Guess what - he was more on task today than any other day I can remember. Somehow me allowing him to sit backwards in a chair clicked for him and made him able to focus. I don't know if it's the fact that he got to sit backwards and that is more comfortable for him or if he was so shocked that I said it was okay that he just couldn't believe it. Honestly, I don't care why it worked, I just know that it worked.
I will admit, when I first told him I could there was a nagging little voice in my mind saying, "Great, now you've done it. Now everyone is going to want to turn their chairs around just cuz you said HE could." Again - this was a quick thing in my head, but it was there. My decision was 2 fold - 1) who cares if they all want to sit backwards, how does that affect me? If they are in their chair backwards or forwards, why would I care, as long as they are actually paying attention to what I want them to be. 2) I AM the teacher, if it gets out of hand, I can say NO.
Guess what - not a single other student tried to turn their chair around AND not a single student complained that it wasn't fair, or anything. It was a complete non issue in their eyes. It didn't affect them either - well, that's not true. It affected them positively - since this student was sitting this way, he was more focused and on task and thus not bothering those around him by talking, moving around and being a general distraction.
Last year I had a student who really needed to have their chair away from the group. He didn't want to be in the front or even in the middle. He wanted to be totally separated - like he moved his chair each day to the back wall of the room. Again, I was worried at first what the other kids would say and how they would react. But again, nothing. It was a non issue to them. But for this child it did a couple of things.
1) It made him feel more comfortable. It gave him ownership of his placement which allowed him to focus on class instead of not liking where he was.
2) It gave him more respect for me in the classroom. Instead of fighting with me or arguing with me - he now would talk to me, ask questions, volunteer answers. It gave us a better student/teacher relationship.
3) Because of the first 2 things - he did better in the class than he had been doing. He was now able to focus on class and it helped him improve all around!
Two successful stories. Two very easy "fixes" for something that could get troublesome. I've renewed my focus of thinking about what makes it easiest for the student instead of what makes it easiest for me. After all, it's my job to teach these people and if I want to be effective as a teacher, I need to realize that we all learn in different ways and none of them are the "right" or "wrong" way - they are simply different and that is okay!
So, I will continue to let my student sit backwards if that is what is his natrual, normal way of sitting. I will continue to let a student find their own place in teh room to sit if that will help that student do their best.
So please, Sit backwards and see what you can accomplish!
Thursday, October 1, 2015
Wednesday, September 30, 2015
Renewed
Wow - so I haven't blogged since May and my 2 year anniversary of my bypass surgery. I meant to write all summer long cuz I had interesting things happen during the summer. So here we go in a quick nutshell.
June 2 I had plastic surgery. When you lose 130 pounds you have a bit of excess skin, and if you are lucky (hear sarcasm in the word lucky) you get infections in the skin flaps where the skin on skin contact happens. Well, the truly lucky part of that is that if you are getting infections and you are documenting it and seeing the doctor and getting it treated, insurance sees it as a medical necessity to remove the excess skin. Meaning - they'll cover the surgery to remove the excess skin!!!!
If you're even more lucky (again, sarcasm) you had large breasts that have always caused neck and back pain. And losing 130 pounds didn't stop that pain. The breasts got smaller - but the excess skin on them still pulled and added weight and pain. So - insurance does usually cover breast reduction surgery, and for me they did cover it.
The doctor originally wanted only to do a breast lift, remove the excess skin but leave the actual breast tissue. His reasoning was that most of my problem was the excess skin and when you do a reduction, insurance requires a certain amount of actual breast tissue be removed - if you only take the excess skin insurance considers that cosmetic, not medically necessary. He was worried that with the excess skin removed AND the amount of breast tissue required to be removed, I would be unhappy with the proportion of my breasts to the rest of my body.
This caused a lot of tears and soul searching. How can I go from breasts that are way to big to breasts that are too big, but too small?!?! In the end, I decided that the back and neck pain going away was most important. That would probably have happened if we only did a lift and removed the excess skin - but insurance wouldn't pay for that and I didn't have an extra $7,000 lying around to pay for it. So, I decided that if insurance would cover a reduction, then let's do it. And if I'm unhappy with the size after - I'd get a good push up bra!
I'm happy to say - they covered the reduction, and I LOVE my new breasts. TMI moment coming - they are "perky" for the first time in my life. Like, I could get away with not wearing a bra! Wow, that's never been the case.
The surgery for the removal of the tummy skin is supposed to be very painful. THAT was what I was most afraid of going into the surgery on June 2. I was imagining waking up and being is terrible pain, like intolerable and me begging for relief, etc. Yes, it hurt. Yes, I was sure to get my pain meds. But it was never intolerable or unbearable. With the pain med on board, I was good. Which for me is pretty amazing because I am a pain wimp! I don't tolerate pain well. But honestly - if I stayed on top of the pain meds, I was just fine. Yes, it hurt, but I could tolerate it and go on with life.
The hiccup happened about 10 days after surgery - First a quick explanation. To do the skin removal on my abdomen they did an incision basically hip to hip. This incision was very low - like so low you could wear a bikini and not see it at all. The incisions were actually exactly where the elastic on the legs from your underwear hit. Yes, that was NOT pleasant for a few days! In addition, I had a big blop of excess skin above my belly button. So to get to that they had to do a vertical incision as well. That one goes up to like an inch or so below my breasts. so think a big upside down T -and those are my incisions.
10 days after surgery the vertical incision opened up a little about an inch and a half above where they two incisions met. They weren't worried at first. But then it started weeping and then it was not just weepy, but puss was coming out - again, TMI coming - a LOT of puss was coming out. Remember, I was still quite swollen from the surgery. But I could push on the tummy next to the incision and stuff would just ooze out - LOTS of stuff would ooze out. I ended up in the ER in Iowa City. They got me on an antibiotic and sent me home. That was Saturday. By Monday I was freaking out cuz more was open an LOTS and LOTS of stuff was coming out. Tuesday I saw the surgeon and he re-opened about 2 inches of the vertical incision. And when I say re-opened, I mean, take a scalpel and cut down through the original incision all the way down through the fat tissue and all - it was about 2 inches long and a good inch, inch and a half deep.
Let me tell you - it's weird hearing them cut through your skin and tissue. I couldn't feel it because they did a quick local anesthetic, but I was wide awake and could feel the pulling and hear the cutting. I told them they should provide ear plugs. LOL
Then came the news that I would need to put medicine on gauze and shove it into the open wound every day. When we started this process on June 16, The gauze was probably a good 14 inches long. Yes, we had to put medicine on it, and then use a Q-tip and push it down into the wound. Then put gauze over it the top and tape it down. We did this twice a day. And when you pulled out the old gauze it was nasty gross. The first about 4 days of this I was quite sick. Not just the infection in the skin, but it also made me physically sick. I remember very little of those next 4 days or so.
My kids were intrigued by the open incision. Matthew had to get a flashlight to shine into it so he could see all around inside it. Made me smile. At that point, I couldn't even watch as Mike would stuff the gauze into the wound. It nearly made me sick. It didn't hurt, but I could feel the pressure of him pushing it in and packing it in there good. AFter a couple of weeks, I got so I could do it myself. This was a good thing since I was packing gauze into that wound until the end of August.
Once they open up a wound like that, they don't close it again - they let it heal from the inside out. By the end I was putting like an inch of gauze in, just to cover it - I'd put the medicine right into the hole and then shove a little gauze in to keep it there and cover it. Then a few days of just covering it - not big enough to put anything in it. And by the first day of school, September 2 - I was completely gauze free. Let me tell you, that was a joyous day. There were times during the summer I thought it would never end!
So that was my summer. Really, after about June 23 or so, I was doing well, just had the inconvenience of having to pack the darn think twice a day. Other than that, I was great.
My breasts - they never gave me much of a problem at all. I did have one little spot that opened up but it was because a stitch in the lower layer of skin came out. Once they cut that away, it closed up quick as quick can be.
The summer taught me a lot of patience with myself. I spent most of the summer not allowed to lift more than 8 pounds. 8 pounds really isn't very much when it comes right down to it. And you feel stupid making your kids carry the groceries in when you feel just fine! But hey, they were awesome. All 3 of my family were fabulous and caring and nurturing through this whole thing! I've got a pretty fabulous family!
What the summer also did was see me eating stuff I shouldn't be eating. My tummy got extra picky this summer and lots of things that have always been great, started making me sick. But man oh man, the carbs went in just fine. so, instead of losing the 6 pounds they cut off during the surgery, I actually weigh 2 more pounds than when I started. THIS has me angry with myself. I can't blame anyone but me. I know what I have to do, I know what I did to cause it - and really, it's 2 pounds. But to me, it's TWO pounds and I want them gone. Plus, I want the 6 pounds they cut off gone too! So, I've vowed to myself that I am going to get "back on the wagon" with my eating and get moving more again. I'm feeling like a failure to some extent and for myself, I need to prove that I can do this.
With that - I've also decided I need to start blogging more regularly again. 3 years ago when I was blogging nearly every day, I really got in touch with myself and it felt great. Yesterday I was reading a blog from 3 years ago. It came up on my facebook memories. I thought, hmmm, I wonder what I wrote about 3 years ago. So i read it. It made me think about myself, how I deal with people in general, how others deal with people in general, etc. When I started this blog, it started with the intention of being about my weight loss journey. But it morphed into something much more important to me. It morphed into a blog about how society treats people, how people treat people and my observations and opinions about that.
It morphed into that because for the first time in my, then, 43 years, I felt free to say whatever I wanted to say. To admit things I was feeling, to actually say my weight out loud and NOT be ashamed of it. Our society teaches us to be ashamed of our weight - almost whatever that weight is. And by allowing myself to say my weight and be okay with that - it allowed me to say a whole lot more of what I'd kept inside.
Anyway, reading my post from 3 years ago - renewed that in me and I've decided that I want to blog again. I may bore people, but I'm doing this for me. And if along the way something I say helps someone - great. But the real point is to help me! Being able to just say what I'm thinking, put my opinions out there - get to say what I think is wrong with situations and how I wish they'd be fixed - I don't know - it helps me be a better person all the way around. It gives me a refreshed way of dealing with my students, my children, even my husband! LOL
So - here we go - I'm renewed and going to start this blog thing again. It may be about my weight loss and body image issues - cuz believe me they are still there. And it may be a lot more. I guess we shall see.
June 2 I had plastic surgery. When you lose 130 pounds you have a bit of excess skin, and if you are lucky (hear sarcasm in the word lucky) you get infections in the skin flaps where the skin on skin contact happens. Well, the truly lucky part of that is that if you are getting infections and you are documenting it and seeing the doctor and getting it treated, insurance sees it as a medical necessity to remove the excess skin. Meaning - they'll cover the surgery to remove the excess skin!!!!
If you're even more lucky (again, sarcasm) you had large breasts that have always caused neck and back pain. And losing 130 pounds didn't stop that pain. The breasts got smaller - but the excess skin on them still pulled and added weight and pain. So - insurance does usually cover breast reduction surgery, and for me they did cover it.
The doctor originally wanted only to do a breast lift, remove the excess skin but leave the actual breast tissue. His reasoning was that most of my problem was the excess skin and when you do a reduction, insurance requires a certain amount of actual breast tissue be removed - if you only take the excess skin insurance considers that cosmetic, not medically necessary. He was worried that with the excess skin removed AND the amount of breast tissue required to be removed, I would be unhappy with the proportion of my breasts to the rest of my body.
This caused a lot of tears and soul searching. How can I go from breasts that are way to big to breasts that are too big, but too small?!?! In the end, I decided that the back and neck pain going away was most important. That would probably have happened if we only did a lift and removed the excess skin - but insurance wouldn't pay for that and I didn't have an extra $7,000 lying around to pay for it. So, I decided that if insurance would cover a reduction, then let's do it. And if I'm unhappy with the size after - I'd get a good push up bra!
I'm happy to say - they covered the reduction, and I LOVE my new breasts. TMI moment coming - they are "perky" for the first time in my life. Like, I could get away with not wearing a bra! Wow, that's never been the case.
The surgery for the removal of the tummy skin is supposed to be very painful. THAT was what I was most afraid of going into the surgery on June 2. I was imagining waking up and being is terrible pain, like intolerable and me begging for relief, etc. Yes, it hurt. Yes, I was sure to get my pain meds. But it was never intolerable or unbearable. With the pain med on board, I was good. Which for me is pretty amazing because I am a pain wimp! I don't tolerate pain well. But honestly - if I stayed on top of the pain meds, I was just fine. Yes, it hurt, but I could tolerate it and go on with life.
The hiccup happened about 10 days after surgery - First a quick explanation. To do the skin removal on my abdomen they did an incision basically hip to hip. This incision was very low - like so low you could wear a bikini and not see it at all. The incisions were actually exactly where the elastic on the legs from your underwear hit. Yes, that was NOT pleasant for a few days! In addition, I had a big blop of excess skin above my belly button. So to get to that they had to do a vertical incision as well. That one goes up to like an inch or so below my breasts. so think a big upside down T -and those are my incisions.
10 days after surgery the vertical incision opened up a little about an inch and a half above where they two incisions met. They weren't worried at first. But then it started weeping and then it was not just weepy, but puss was coming out - again, TMI coming - a LOT of puss was coming out. Remember, I was still quite swollen from the surgery. But I could push on the tummy next to the incision and stuff would just ooze out - LOTS of stuff would ooze out. I ended up in the ER in Iowa City. They got me on an antibiotic and sent me home. That was Saturday. By Monday I was freaking out cuz more was open an LOTS and LOTS of stuff was coming out. Tuesday I saw the surgeon and he re-opened about 2 inches of the vertical incision. And when I say re-opened, I mean, take a scalpel and cut down through the original incision all the way down through the fat tissue and all - it was about 2 inches long and a good inch, inch and a half deep.
Let me tell you - it's weird hearing them cut through your skin and tissue. I couldn't feel it because they did a quick local anesthetic, but I was wide awake and could feel the pulling and hear the cutting. I told them they should provide ear plugs. LOL
Then came the news that I would need to put medicine on gauze and shove it into the open wound every day. When we started this process on June 16, The gauze was probably a good 14 inches long. Yes, we had to put medicine on it, and then use a Q-tip and push it down into the wound. Then put gauze over it the top and tape it down. We did this twice a day. And when you pulled out the old gauze it was nasty gross. The first about 4 days of this I was quite sick. Not just the infection in the skin, but it also made me physically sick. I remember very little of those next 4 days or so.
My kids were intrigued by the open incision. Matthew had to get a flashlight to shine into it so he could see all around inside it. Made me smile. At that point, I couldn't even watch as Mike would stuff the gauze into the wound. It nearly made me sick. It didn't hurt, but I could feel the pressure of him pushing it in and packing it in there good. AFter a couple of weeks, I got so I could do it myself. This was a good thing since I was packing gauze into that wound until the end of August.
Once they open up a wound like that, they don't close it again - they let it heal from the inside out. By the end I was putting like an inch of gauze in, just to cover it - I'd put the medicine right into the hole and then shove a little gauze in to keep it there and cover it. Then a few days of just covering it - not big enough to put anything in it. And by the first day of school, September 2 - I was completely gauze free. Let me tell you, that was a joyous day. There were times during the summer I thought it would never end!
So that was my summer. Really, after about June 23 or so, I was doing well, just had the inconvenience of having to pack the darn think twice a day. Other than that, I was great.
My breasts - they never gave me much of a problem at all. I did have one little spot that opened up but it was because a stitch in the lower layer of skin came out. Once they cut that away, it closed up quick as quick can be.
The summer taught me a lot of patience with myself. I spent most of the summer not allowed to lift more than 8 pounds. 8 pounds really isn't very much when it comes right down to it. And you feel stupid making your kids carry the groceries in when you feel just fine! But hey, they were awesome. All 3 of my family were fabulous and caring and nurturing through this whole thing! I've got a pretty fabulous family!
What the summer also did was see me eating stuff I shouldn't be eating. My tummy got extra picky this summer and lots of things that have always been great, started making me sick. But man oh man, the carbs went in just fine. so, instead of losing the 6 pounds they cut off during the surgery, I actually weigh 2 more pounds than when I started. THIS has me angry with myself. I can't blame anyone but me. I know what I have to do, I know what I did to cause it - and really, it's 2 pounds. But to me, it's TWO pounds and I want them gone. Plus, I want the 6 pounds they cut off gone too! So, I've vowed to myself that I am going to get "back on the wagon" with my eating and get moving more again. I'm feeling like a failure to some extent and for myself, I need to prove that I can do this.
With that - I've also decided I need to start blogging more regularly again. 3 years ago when I was blogging nearly every day, I really got in touch with myself and it felt great. Yesterday I was reading a blog from 3 years ago. It came up on my facebook memories. I thought, hmmm, I wonder what I wrote about 3 years ago. So i read it. It made me think about myself, how I deal with people in general, how others deal with people in general, etc. When I started this blog, it started with the intention of being about my weight loss journey. But it morphed into something much more important to me. It morphed into a blog about how society treats people, how people treat people and my observations and opinions about that.
It morphed into that because for the first time in my, then, 43 years, I felt free to say whatever I wanted to say. To admit things I was feeling, to actually say my weight out loud and NOT be ashamed of it. Our society teaches us to be ashamed of our weight - almost whatever that weight is. And by allowing myself to say my weight and be okay with that - it allowed me to say a whole lot more of what I'd kept inside.
Anyway, reading my post from 3 years ago - renewed that in me and I've decided that I want to blog again. I may bore people, but I'm doing this for me. And if along the way something I say helps someone - great. But the real point is to help me! Being able to just say what I'm thinking, put my opinions out there - get to say what I think is wrong with situations and how I wish they'd be fixed - I don't know - it helps me be a better person all the way around. It gives me a refreshed way of dealing with my students, my children, even my husband! LOL
So - here we go - I'm renewed and going to start this blog thing again. It may be about my weight loss and body image issues - cuz believe me they are still there. And it may be a lot more. I guess we shall see.
Monday, May 25, 2015
2 Years - WOW
So, May 7th marked the 2 year mark from my surgery. Hard to believe it's been 2 years. I've come a LONG way during those 2 years.
Here is a "before" picture of me in jeans.
This was taken summer 2012 in Michigan.
And now - here are those SAME pants on me last month.
Yep - SAME jeans - nearly 3 years later - I'm standing in ONE leg.
Then - here is a before and after face picture.
I have these pictures on my computer and my phone as a reminder of where I came from. It helps when I am having a down day and feeling dumpy and fat.
It's still hard for me when I look in the mirror - I see the old me. Yes, I KNOW in my head I have lost 130 pounds, but when I look in the mirror I see the 327 pound girl - I see the rolls, I see the chins.
I'm working on that. I am starting to see the real me - but these pics definitely help me. They help me see the comparison. They are helping me slowly start to see the new me when I look in the mirror.
I had my 2 year checkup with the bariatric department. Same weight I was a year ago at my 1 year appointment. Last year, the surgeon was pretty negative with me. He was focused on my BMI and that it was still over 30 and he wanted it below 25 so I would have a "normal" BMI. No praise for 130 pounds lost. No praise for how far I had come.
This appointment I saw the PA who was the one who saw me before surgery at my appointments. He was all about how far I had come, the co-morbidities being gone AND that I have maintained the same weight for a year. He was about the fact that I have lost 76.5% of my excess weight. 76.5% That's a great number. They consider 50% or more a success. They say you can lose UP TO 77%. That's not an average - that's their top expectation - the average is lower. So my 76.5% is fabulous. And I have maintained it.
The PA was awesome. I told him I had left last year let down by the reaction and response by the surgeon. He apologized - he said he was quite impressed with what I have done and that I need to focus on what I DID accomplish, not what I did not. That made me feel a whole lot better.
I told him that yes, I originally wanted to lose 20 more pounds. But it doesn't seem to matter if I eat less, exercise more, eat more, exercise less, etc, etc - I just stay where I am. So I decided in February that I needed to be happy with what I accomplished and go with it and be satisfied instead of beating myself up over where I didn't get.
So in February I met with the plastic surgeon. I wanted to find out what we needed to do to see if insurance would cover removing my excess skin on my abdomen. And also talked about my breasts. We briefly chatted about my thighs and arms, but that will come after and will not be covered by insurance.
The plastic surgeon was awesome and straight forward. He documented everything as had my primary care doctor been documenting everything. And.....insurance approved the procedures.
So - my big news - in just over a week, on June 2 - I am having the excess skin on my abdomen removed (that's called a panniculectomy) and a breast reduction. Originally the surgeon wanted to do a mastopexy - which is a lift, just removing all the excess skin, no breast tissue. But insurance considers that elective and cosmetic and vanity surgery - so they don't cover it. But they DO cover reduction. I've had my upper back/shoulder/neck pain documented for years so insurance approved a breast reduction. The surgeon was concerned that I would not like my new proportions as removing the required amount of breast tissue will leave me a small B cup. And that concerned me at first as well.
But many hours, days, weeks of pondering and contemplating later,..I decided I could buy push up or padded bras if I'm worried about the look. Having insurance cover the surgery and no longer having the pain in my neck/shoulder/back be gone is more than worth it to me. I will say though - with surgery a week away - THAT is the only thing I am really nervous about. I have been a DDD or DD for as long as I can remember. And I'm going to end up a small B! THAT will be a change.
At my appointment with the bariatric department last week, the PA warned me that this plastic surgery will be significantly more painful than my bypass surgery. I laughed because my brother in law is a PA in the Twin Cities and when he found out I was doing this - his first thing was, "I'm sure you know this, but that is extremely painful." Yes, Yes, I know. But, the end result will be so worth it.
As the date is getting closer and closer, I get more and more excited. What will I look like? What will having smaller breasts be like? What will it be like to NOT have all that excess skin below my belly button? And what will it be like to not have the extra pooch of skin above my belly button?
I do think about the pain that I will have - but I will have a pump while in the hospital and I know how to push the button. I won't try to be brave and tough it out - I'm not tough, I'm a wimp! LOL
And once home, I will not be afraid to take the pain meds they send me home with. Yes, they'll make me loopy and knock me out - but if I can get past the first week or so in a daze, life should be better!
I've arranged to borrow a walker for the first couple of weeks. They have warned me that they pull the skin quite tight and I won't be standing up straight for awhile.
I have my recliner set to be slept in so my body can stay kind of bent and reduce pulling on the incisions.
I have my wonderful parents set to be here for the first week. They'll stay with the kids while I'm in the hospital and then be here to help me as needed when I'm out so Mike can go back to work. They'll help with the running of the kids to all of their events that first week so when Mike is home he can help me and give them a break.
I have to work 5 more days at school - I'm afraid they are going to be 5 LOOOOONG days because I am getting excited for June 2 to come. But I have a lot to do and that should keep me pretty busy.
I've hired someone to come clean for us this summer so that Mike doesn't have to worry about that in addition to helping me. I'm not allowed to lift anything greater than 10 pounds for at least 6 weeks. No vacuuming and straining. So bending and scrubbing the shower is definitely out. :-)
Summer will be one of recovery - if all goes well AND I'm willing to do it again - I'm going to do my thighs after the 6 week recovery for the tummy and breasts. At first I was confident that Yes, I'll do it. I'm now holding that decision off until I see how this first surgery and recovery goes. But, it's definitely still a possibility.
So - kids are all excited and anticipating the end of school and their first day of summer - June 2. And I'm all excited and anticipating my surgery, also June 2. Should be a pretty great day for all of us. The only one who may not enjoy it so much - poor Mike who has to sit in the hospital waiting room all day. He doesn't get to enjoy the first day of summer with the kids and he doesn't have a surgery to look forward to...he has a long day of sitting and waiting to look forward to. Man it's a good thing he loves me and is so awesome. He is always right there for me and is the most supporting and amazing husband ever. I would be lost without him.
It is now Monday, May 25 - so I have 8 days to wait. The count down is on!
Here is a "before" picture of me in jeans.
This was taken summer 2012 in Michigan.
And now - here are those SAME pants on me last month.
Then - here is a before and after face picture.
I have these pictures on my computer and my phone as a reminder of where I came from. It helps when I am having a down day and feeling dumpy and fat.
It's still hard for me when I look in the mirror - I see the old me. Yes, I KNOW in my head I have lost 130 pounds, but when I look in the mirror I see the 327 pound girl - I see the rolls, I see the chins.
I'm working on that. I am starting to see the real me - but these pics definitely help me. They help me see the comparison. They are helping me slowly start to see the new me when I look in the mirror.
I had my 2 year checkup with the bariatric department. Same weight I was a year ago at my 1 year appointment. Last year, the surgeon was pretty negative with me. He was focused on my BMI and that it was still over 30 and he wanted it below 25 so I would have a "normal" BMI. No praise for 130 pounds lost. No praise for how far I had come.
This appointment I saw the PA who was the one who saw me before surgery at my appointments. He was all about how far I had come, the co-morbidities being gone AND that I have maintained the same weight for a year. He was about the fact that I have lost 76.5% of my excess weight. 76.5% That's a great number. They consider 50% or more a success. They say you can lose UP TO 77%. That's not an average - that's their top expectation - the average is lower. So my 76.5% is fabulous. And I have maintained it.
The PA was awesome. I told him I had left last year let down by the reaction and response by the surgeon. He apologized - he said he was quite impressed with what I have done and that I need to focus on what I DID accomplish, not what I did not. That made me feel a whole lot better.
I told him that yes, I originally wanted to lose 20 more pounds. But it doesn't seem to matter if I eat less, exercise more, eat more, exercise less, etc, etc - I just stay where I am. So I decided in February that I needed to be happy with what I accomplished and go with it and be satisfied instead of beating myself up over where I didn't get.
So in February I met with the plastic surgeon. I wanted to find out what we needed to do to see if insurance would cover removing my excess skin on my abdomen. And also talked about my breasts. We briefly chatted about my thighs and arms, but that will come after and will not be covered by insurance.
The plastic surgeon was awesome and straight forward. He documented everything as had my primary care doctor been documenting everything. And.....insurance approved the procedures.
So - my big news - in just over a week, on June 2 - I am having the excess skin on my abdomen removed (that's called a panniculectomy) and a breast reduction. Originally the surgeon wanted to do a mastopexy - which is a lift, just removing all the excess skin, no breast tissue. But insurance considers that elective and cosmetic and vanity surgery - so they don't cover it. But they DO cover reduction. I've had my upper back/shoulder/neck pain documented for years so insurance approved a breast reduction. The surgeon was concerned that I would not like my new proportions as removing the required amount of breast tissue will leave me a small B cup. And that concerned me at first as well.
But many hours, days, weeks of pondering and contemplating later,..I decided I could buy push up or padded bras if I'm worried about the look. Having insurance cover the surgery and no longer having the pain in my neck/shoulder/back be gone is more than worth it to me. I will say though - with surgery a week away - THAT is the only thing I am really nervous about. I have been a DDD or DD for as long as I can remember. And I'm going to end up a small B! THAT will be a change.
At my appointment with the bariatric department last week, the PA warned me that this plastic surgery will be significantly more painful than my bypass surgery. I laughed because my brother in law is a PA in the Twin Cities and when he found out I was doing this - his first thing was, "I'm sure you know this, but that is extremely painful." Yes, Yes, I know. But, the end result will be so worth it.
As the date is getting closer and closer, I get more and more excited. What will I look like? What will having smaller breasts be like? What will it be like to NOT have all that excess skin below my belly button? And what will it be like to not have the extra pooch of skin above my belly button?
I do think about the pain that I will have - but I will have a pump while in the hospital and I know how to push the button. I won't try to be brave and tough it out - I'm not tough, I'm a wimp! LOL
And once home, I will not be afraid to take the pain meds they send me home with. Yes, they'll make me loopy and knock me out - but if I can get past the first week or so in a daze, life should be better!
I've arranged to borrow a walker for the first couple of weeks. They have warned me that they pull the skin quite tight and I won't be standing up straight for awhile.
I have my recliner set to be slept in so my body can stay kind of bent and reduce pulling on the incisions.
I have my wonderful parents set to be here for the first week. They'll stay with the kids while I'm in the hospital and then be here to help me as needed when I'm out so Mike can go back to work. They'll help with the running of the kids to all of their events that first week so when Mike is home he can help me and give them a break.
I have to work 5 more days at school - I'm afraid they are going to be 5 LOOOOONG days because I am getting excited for June 2 to come. But I have a lot to do and that should keep me pretty busy.
I've hired someone to come clean for us this summer so that Mike doesn't have to worry about that in addition to helping me. I'm not allowed to lift anything greater than 10 pounds for at least 6 weeks. No vacuuming and straining. So bending and scrubbing the shower is definitely out. :-)
Summer will be one of recovery - if all goes well AND I'm willing to do it again - I'm going to do my thighs after the 6 week recovery for the tummy and breasts. At first I was confident that Yes, I'll do it. I'm now holding that decision off until I see how this first surgery and recovery goes. But, it's definitely still a possibility.
So - kids are all excited and anticipating the end of school and their first day of summer - June 2. And I'm all excited and anticipating my surgery, also June 2. Should be a pretty great day for all of us. The only one who may not enjoy it so much - poor Mike who has to sit in the hospital waiting room all day. He doesn't get to enjoy the first day of summer with the kids and he doesn't have a surgery to look forward to...he has a long day of sitting and waiting to look forward to. Man it's a good thing he loves me and is so awesome. He is always right there for me and is the most supporting and amazing husband ever. I would be lost without him.
It is now Monday, May 25 - so I have 8 days to wait. The count down is on!
Monday, April 13, 2015
I'm 16 Again
It is absolutely amazing to me how quickly one can be transported back in time. It takes one smell, one song, one taste, or one comment to quickly make you feel like you are 16 again.
This morning that happened to me. Two short sentences transported me back to HS and all of the feelings from then. For me, this is NOT a good thing.
30 years has past since I was 16, but the memories of the way I was treated by some people feel like yesterday when something like this happens.
I think one of the hardest things my amazing husband has had to put up with in our 24+ year relationship is my self-esteem, or lack there of. He sees things bring me down, he sees how things affect me, he sees my lack of confidence in myself...and he is always reminding me about the good things, about who I really am inside.
Today, I called him in where I was getting ready for work and I told him he was going to be proud of me. He looked at me and in typical Mike said, "I'm always proud of you." Then he saw I was upset. I explained that there was a fb group conversation started by HS classmates of mine. They are wanting to plan a trip somewhere for when we all turn 50. The person who started it said in the first post, feel free to add people from our class. So I'm reading from the beginning of the conversation (I got added this morning). Sounds like fun, they are planning a trip to somewhere, domestic to keep costs down, and people are throwing out ideas.
Then a classmate says, "Aren't you going to invite Molly? Just kidding, that was mean."
Boom - I'm 16 again.
Why did I tell Mike he'd be proud of me? He is always telling me to remove myself from situations that are like that - hurtful. But I never do because 1) I don't want to hurt someone's feelings and 2) I imagine that after I do remove myself then I'm talked about and bad mouthed.
But today, as I was blowdrying my hair, with tears running down my face, I decided...to hell with it - I do not need to subject myself to this. And I "left the conversation".
Now I know that may not seem like a big deal - but for me it is. I can't unfriend someone on facebook because that's confrontational to me. I don't like confrontation. I avoid it at all cost. I will say "I'm Sorry" if it means the confrontation will end - even if I have nothing to be sorry for. But today, something in me snapped and I had enough belief in myself to leave the conversation, regardless of if they will talk about me.
I don't know if my weight loss journey is the reason for my ability to finally do something for myself in this regard or not. My whole weight loss journey has been doing something for myself...taking control of my health.
My brain has been racing since this morning. Thinking, pondering...when did I lose confidence in myself? I have great memories of Kindergarten and first grade. I remember holding hands with Jess Graba in 1st grade (under the table during movies). I remember show and tell in Kindergarten. I don't remember a lot, but what I do remember is all good.
2nd grade - I have 2 memories - one of a boy having to be restrained by the teacher and one where I got the number of syllables in estate wrong. Not sure why I have so few memories from that grade.
But 3rd grade on - the memories that come are not pleasant. I'm not saying there are no good memories, I'm just saying that if you ask me to remember those years what immediately comes to my mind is negative.
In Kindergarten and 1st grade I was average size like the rest of my classmates. 2nd grade - like I said, no memories. But in 3rd grade I would be what you would call pleasantly plump. That's when the bad memories start.
No, I am not saying that all the bad memories are because of my weight - but I have learned that the continued weight gain has a lot to do with my memories and my emotions. One boy in HS even decided it would be fine to call me "Moose" - and no one stopped him. They thought it was funny.
I was/am definitely an emotional eater. Food makes you feel better, right? Ha
I'm a strong willed person. I was raised to do my best, be strong. I grew up in a family of yellers. We were a loud family. Want to be heard - shout a little louder. LOL - if only we had stopped yelling and listened better to each other. But that's another story.
Anyway, Somehow my being strong developed into me being a bossy know-it-all. Yes, I wanted to be in charge, I wanted things done my way (the right way, of course) and I wanted it to be good. This part of me is probably why to this day I have a lot of acquaintances and very few actual friends I could call in when I am in need.
I have never made friends easily - part of it, I think, is because I suck at small talk. And, until recently, I sucked at listening. Remember - yell louder you'll be heard. LIstening was not a strong point - so conversations needed to be ME centered. I still find it easier to talk about my kids or something I'm doing in school or something I know than to talk with others about whatever. But I'm really working on that. I also have trouble looking people in the eye when talking - never understood exactly why - but it's only when I feel the "lesser role."
So, I've never made friends easily - but growing up, I desperately wanted friends. I wanted someone to want to hang out with me. I wanted to be "popular". As I think back (oh if only we could know then what we know now!) I did everything I could do to be noticed. I talked about myself, I bragged about my grades, I made sure people knew I was there.
I guess I thought if they knew I was smart, doing well, involved in many things they would think I was worthy of their friendship. But (again, if only I knew then what I know now) it did the exact opposite - actually made it worse to be honest.
Unfortunately, one of the things I was teased about, relentlessly by some, was my weight. My reaction? When I got home I would eat. My favorite emotional eating food - Cheetos with dip. Yep, with dip. Delicious. Oh - not just some - the whole bag. Food made me feel good, food became my panacea to a bad day. Fighting with my mom or brother or dad? Eat, that will make me feel good.
At school, Music was my saving grace - it was my safe place - a place I could be me. Music was a place I could just be and not be judged - most of the time anyway.
The funny thing - a memory - I was voted most likely to become president my senior year. Ha - I thought," Wow, they believe in me." Looking back - did they believe in me or was it "she is bossy and wants to be in charge - always makes herself be in charge so she'll make it so she IS in charge."
To put it lightly - I HATED high school. It was pure hell for me. I went home most days and cried.
BUT - that's why I became a teacher. I have always said, "If I can help just ONE person through the hell we call high school, I will feel like I have accomplished something." I have been fortunate that there are former students who now, as adults, have told me that I did make a difference for them. I did give them that place where they could be accepted for who they are. Knowing that keeps me going. Keeps me staying the person who will always be there for the kids.
My favorite part of my day at school? Breakfast. I have breakfast duty every single day. Most people hate being in the lunch room, loud, messy. But I love it. Why? Because the kids are just kids there and you learn so much about them. You get to know them as a kid, not just a student. You get to know who needs a little more attention, who can use a hug, who needs to be reminded to be kind, etc. I love going to the events my students are in - supporting them and them knowing that what they do outside of my classroom is cool and awesome.
On of my classroom expectations is that you will show respect for feelings. And I always start the year talking about who has been teased, how does it make you feel, who HAS teased - think about it, you are making them feel the way you said you don't like. You get the idea. I try to put it to them in a way they will understand.
So, I left Wadena and headed to college and never looked back. I was so glad to get away from high school and all that meant to me. At college, I met the love of my life. Someone who gets ME. Understand me inside and out. I thank God daily for putting him in my life.
Fast forward to 2007 - my 20th reunion. About a week before the reunion a classmate contacted me and asked if I had pictures. My mom did a great job in my younger years of taking pics and having them in little albums. I had a lot of pics from preschool and early elementary school. Those were great memories for me - those were the years I do remember fondly.
I scanned them in and sent them to her. During the slide show presentation one of the pictures from like my 5th or 6th birthday came up - there were at least 8 classmates in the picture. As we watch the slide show a classmate yells out, "Hey look, it's when Molly HAD friends." And everybody laughed. Needless to say, I remember little else from the reunion. The other memory from that reunion is the same classmate going up to the microphone and calling people who weren't at the reunion and calling them losers and hanging up on them. THAT in itself is bad, but worse - nobody stopped him. A lot of people laughed and egged him on. Others just ignored it - but no one stopped him.
I was already "done" because of the comment he had made about me during the slide show...so I had nothing in me to stand up to him. Besides, that would be confrontational - and I've already talked about how much I like confrontation. But none of my classmates told him to stop either.
We finished the night, didn't stay long, Mike was ready to walk out during the slide show - but me, Miss Anti Confrontation, wouldn't let him. I made us stay.
Why do I talk about that? Because 20 years later I had the same feelings from high school. That I'm not worth anything, they have a right to treat me that way and I should just put up with it. I was told so much to ignore that kind of behavior and it will go away. Or that I was paranoid and thought everyone was out to get me. But it never went away, so I started to believe that that was normal for me to be treated that way - I deserved to be treated that way.
Kids do not realize the impact teasing and belittling can have on a person. For that matter, adults don't realize the impact words can have on a person.
I've realized something about myself recently... I always think I'm younger than everyone else around me. I'm not. But I always feel like they know more than me, they are more deserving than me, they are the ones who should get to call the shots, I should just let them because I'm not worth anything. Ha - it's not that I feel younger - it's that I feel like I'm not worth it. I don't deserve it. I'm horribly nervous about leading a group of adults doing something - what if they don't like what I'm doing, what if they say I'm doing it wrong, what if they make fun of me, what if they don't like me because I ...... you get the picture.
But for my whole life I have not been willing to stand up for myself, not even a little, when it comes to matters of self-worth. I've allowed people to control how I feel about myself. I've given others way too much control of ME.
This morning - after reading the comment. I couldn't take myself out of the conversation. I thought I needed to just stay there and stay quiet otherwise I'd be asking for them to belittle me more.
Then I got mad at myself and decided, NO, I'm worth it. And I removed myself from the conversation...literally.
This may not seem like a big deal to most people but for me it was HUGE. Later today, when I get the chance to get on facebook, I will actually go a step further and "unfriend" the person who made the comment. That person has been in my life from birth and starting about 4th grade, she has been nothing but nasty to me. But I've allowed her to be part of my life because I felt like I couldn't cut her out because it might hurt her feelings.
WHO AM I KIDDING - she has made it clear that she has no trouble hurting feelings, why should I be allowing her to do it to me.
Like I said - this is HUGE for me. It's 46 - it's time I learned to stand up for myself and believe in myself. And get rid of the negative people in my life. I don't have to let them stay there - I can choose to remove them.
So I get to school this morning and I'm still in a funk. I started writing this blog entry. Then I have a class come in - 4th graders. I decided that this may not be about music, but it most certainly is about school. I told them this whole story...condensed of course. And, I cried as I told it. Yes, my students saw me cry - actually had a hard time talking at first I was crying so hard.
But they saw just how REAL it is. I talked with them about how you may think - I'm 10, I'm just saying one little thing, I'm just teasing....but when you are on the receiving end of that day after day, it sticks. I told them that I was there to tell them that what you say now WILL be remembered and DOES have an affect on people.
I told them we always talk about bullying. I said I don't like that word because they hear it so much it has stopped meaning much to them. I told them, when you say or do anything to someone that you wouldn't want said or done to you (or do it behind their backs) - then you are in the wrong. NO ONE has the right to make others feel that way.
I told the kids, don't take until you are 46 to "unfriend" those people in your life. YOU ARE WORTH BETTER. I assured them that if they know the feelings I'm talking about, then they need to remember that I, and the other adults in the building, are there for them. We will listen, we will help.
If I can help kids have good self-esteem, something I have never really had, I will be happy. I can get across the idea to students that YOU MATTER and You deserve to be treated well. Don't wait until you're 46 to decide to stand up for yourself.
So, I'm 16 again today. Trying hard to get back to 46, but having a tough day as my brain floods me with memories. Tomorrow, I will be 46 and I will decide I am worth it.
This morning that happened to me. Two short sentences transported me back to HS and all of the feelings from then. For me, this is NOT a good thing.
30 years has past since I was 16, but the memories of the way I was treated by some people feel like yesterday when something like this happens.
I think one of the hardest things my amazing husband has had to put up with in our 24+ year relationship is my self-esteem, or lack there of. He sees things bring me down, he sees how things affect me, he sees my lack of confidence in myself...and he is always reminding me about the good things, about who I really am inside.
Today, I called him in where I was getting ready for work and I told him he was going to be proud of me. He looked at me and in typical Mike said, "I'm always proud of you." Then he saw I was upset. I explained that there was a fb group conversation started by HS classmates of mine. They are wanting to plan a trip somewhere for when we all turn 50. The person who started it said in the first post, feel free to add people from our class. So I'm reading from the beginning of the conversation (I got added this morning). Sounds like fun, they are planning a trip to somewhere, domestic to keep costs down, and people are throwing out ideas.
Then a classmate says, "Aren't you going to invite Molly? Just kidding, that was mean."
Boom - I'm 16 again.
Why did I tell Mike he'd be proud of me? He is always telling me to remove myself from situations that are like that - hurtful. But I never do because 1) I don't want to hurt someone's feelings and 2) I imagine that after I do remove myself then I'm talked about and bad mouthed.
But today, as I was blowdrying my hair, with tears running down my face, I decided...to hell with it - I do not need to subject myself to this. And I "left the conversation".
Now I know that may not seem like a big deal - but for me it is. I can't unfriend someone on facebook because that's confrontational to me. I don't like confrontation. I avoid it at all cost. I will say "I'm Sorry" if it means the confrontation will end - even if I have nothing to be sorry for. But today, something in me snapped and I had enough belief in myself to leave the conversation, regardless of if they will talk about me.
I don't know if my weight loss journey is the reason for my ability to finally do something for myself in this regard or not. My whole weight loss journey has been doing something for myself...taking control of my health.
My brain has been racing since this morning. Thinking, pondering...when did I lose confidence in myself? I have great memories of Kindergarten and first grade. I remember holding hands with Jess Graba in 1st grade (under the table during movies). I remember show and tell in Kindergarten. I don't remember a lot, but what I do remember is all good.
2nd grade - I have 2 memories - one of a boy having to be restrained by the teacher and one where I got the number of syllables in estate wrong. Not sure why I have so few memories from that grade.
But 3rd grade on - the memories that come are not pleasant. I'm not saying there are no good memories, I'm just saying that if you ask me to remember those years what immediately comes to my mind is negative.
In Kindergarten and 1st grade I was average size like the rest of my classmates. 2nd grade - like I said, no memories. But in 3rd grade I would be what you would call pleasantly plump. That's when the bad memories start.
No, I am not saying that all the bad memories are because of my weight - but I have learned that the continued weight gain has a lot to do with my memories and my emotions. One boy in HS even decided it would be fine to call me "Moose" - and no one stopped him. They thought it was funny.
I was/am definitely an emotional eater. Food makes you feel better, right? Ha
I'm a strong willed person. I was raised to do my best, be strong. I grew up in a family of yellers. We were a loud family. Want to be heard - shout a little louder. LOL - if only we had stopped yelling and listened better to each other. But that's another story.
Anyway, Somehow my being strong developed into me being a bossy know-it-all. Yes, I wanted to be in charge, I wanted things done my way (the right way, of course) and I wanted it to be good. This part of me is probably why to this day I have a lot of acquaintances and very few actual friends I could call in when I am in need.
I have never made friends easily - part of it, I think, is because I suck at small talk. And, until recently, I sucked at listening. Remember - yell louder you'll be heard. LIstening was not a strong point - so conversations needed to be ME centered. I still find it easier to talk about my kids or something I'm doing in school or something I know than to talk with others about whatever. But I'm really working on that. I also have trouble looking people in the eye when talking - never understood exactly why - but it's only when I feel the "lesser role."
So, I've never made friends easily - but growing up, I desperately wanted friends. I wanted someone to want to hang out with me. I wanted to be "popular". As I think back (oh if only we could know then what we know now!) I did everything I could do to be noticed. I talked about myself, I bragged about my grades, I made sure people knew I was there.
I guess I thought if they knew I was smart, doing well, involved in many things they would think I was worthy of their friendship. But (again, if only I knew then what I know now) it did the exact opposite - actually made it worse to be honest.
Unfortunately, one of the things I was teased about, relentlessly by some, was my weight. My reaction? When I got home I would eat. My favorite emotional eating food - Cheetos with dip. Yep, with dip. Delicious. Oh - not just some - the whole bag. Food made me feel good, food became my panacea to a bad day. Fighting with my mom or brother or dad? Eat, that will make me feel good.
At school, Music was my saving grace - it was my safe place - a place I could be me. Music was a place I could just be and not be judged - most of the time anyway.
The funny thing - a memory - I was voted most likely to become president my senior year. Ha - I thought," Wow, they believe in me." Looking back - did they believe in me or was it "she is bossy and wants to be in charge - always makes herself be in charge so she'll make it so she IS in charge."
To put it lightly - I HATED high school. It was pure hell for me. I went home most days and cried.
BUT - that's why I became a teacher. I have always said, "If I can help just ONE person through the hell we call high school, I will feel like I have accomplished something." I have been fortunate that there are former students who now, as adults, have told me that I did make a difference for them. I did give them that place where they could be accepted for who they are. Knowing that keeps me going. Keeps me staying the person who will always be there for the kids.
My favorite part of my day at school? Breakfast. I have breakfast duty every single day. Most people hate being in the lunch room, loud, messy. But I love it. Why? Because the kids are just kids there and you learn so much about them. You get to know them as a kid, not just a student. You get to know who needs a little more attention, who can use a hug, who needs to be reminded to be kind, etc. I love going to the events my students are in - supporting them and them knowing that what they do outside of my classroom is cool and awesome.
On of my classroom expectations is that you will show respect for feelings. And I always start the year talking about who has been teased, how does it make you feel, who HAS teased - think about it, you are making them feel the way you said you don't like. You get the idea. I try to put it to them in a way they will understand.
So, I left Wadena and headed to college and never looked back. I was so glad to get away from high school and all that meant to me. At college, I met the love of my life. Someone who gets ME. Understand me inside and out. I thank God daily for putting him in my life.
Fast forward to 2007 - my 20th reunion. About a week before the reunion a classmate contacted me and asked if I had pictures. My mom did a great job in my younger years of taking pics and having them in little albums. I had a lot of pics from preschool and early elementary school. Those were great memories for me - those were the years I do remember fondly.
I scanned them in and sent them to her. During the slide show presentation one of the pictures from like my 5th or 6th birthday came up - there were at least 8 classmates in the picture. As we watch the slide show a classmate yells out, "Hey look, it's when Molly HAD friends." And everybody laughed. Needless to say, I remember little else from the reunion. The other memory from that reunion is the same classmate going up to the microphone and calling people who weren't at the reunion and calling them losers and hanging up on them. THAT in itself is bad, but worse - nobody stopped him. A lot of people laughed and egged him on. Others just ignored it - but no one stopped him.
I was already "done" because of the comment he had made about me during the slide show...so I had nothing in me to stand up to him. Besides, that would be confrontational - and I've already talked about how much I like confrontation. But none of my classmates told him to stop either.
We finished the night, didn't stay long, Mike was ready to walk out during the slide show - but me, Miss Anti Confrontation, wouldn't let him. I made us stay.
Why do I talk about that? Because 20 years later I had the same feelings from high school. That I'm not worth anything, they have a right to treat me that way and I should just put up with it. I was told so much to ignore that kind of behavior and it will go away. Or that I was paranoid and thought everyone was out to get me. But it never went away, so I started to believe that that was normal for me to be treated that way - I deserved to be treated that way.
Kids do not realize the impact teasing and belittling can have on a person. For that matter, adults don't realize the impact words can have on a person.
I've realized something about myself recently... I always think I'm younger than everyone else around me. I'm not. But I always feel like they know more than me, they are more deserving than me, they are the ones who should get to call the shots, I should just let them because I'm not worth anything. Ha - it's not that I feel younger - it's that I feel like I'm not worth it. I don't deserve it. I'm horribly nervous about leading a group of adults doing something - what if they don't like what I'm doing, what if they say I'm doing it wrong, what if they make fun of me, what if they don't like me because I ...... you get the picture.
But for my whole life I have not been willing to stand up for myself, not even a little, when it comes to matters of self-worth. I've allowed people to control how I feel about myself. I've given others way too much control of ME.
This morning - after reading the comment. I couldn't take myself out of the conversation. I thought I needed to just stay there and stay quiet otherwise I'd be asking for them to belittle me more.
Then I got mad at myself and decided, NO, I'm worth it. And I removed myself from the conversation...literally.
This may not seem like a big deal to most people but for me it was HUGE. Later today, when I get the chance to get on facebook, I will actually go a step further and "unfriend" the person who made the comment. That person has been in my life from birth and starting about 4th grade, she has been nothing but nasty to me. But I've allowed her to be part of my life because I felt like I couldn't cut her out because it might hurt her feelings.
WHO AM I KIDDING - she has made it clear that she has no trouble hurting feelings, why should I be allowing her to do it to me.
Like I said - this is HUGE for me. It's 46 - it's time I learned to stand up for myself and believe in myself. And get rid of the negative people in my life. I don't have to let them stay there - I can choose to remove them.
So I get to school this morning and I'm still in a funk. I started writing this blog entry. Then I have a class come in - 4th graders. I decided that this may not be about music, but it most certainly is about school. I told them this whole story...condensed of course. And, I cried as I told it. Yes, my students saw me cry - actually had a hard time talking at first I was crying so hard.
But they saw just how REAL it is. I talked with them about how you may think - I'm 10, I'm just saying one little thing, I'm just teasing....but when you are on the receiving end of that day after day, it sticks. I told them that I was there to tell them that what you say now WILL be remembered and DOES have an affect on people.
I told them we always talk about bullying. I said I don't like that word because they hear it so much it has stopped meaning much to them. I told them, when you say or do anything to someone that you wouldn't want said or done to you (or do it behind their backs) - then you are in the wrong. NO ONE has the right to make others feel that way.
I told the kids, don't take until you are 46 to "unfriend" those people in your life. YOU ARE WORTH BETTER. I assured them that if they know the feelings I'm talking about, then they need to remember that I, and the other adults in the building, are there for them. We will listen, we will help.
If I can help kids have good self-esteem, something I have never really had, I will be happy. I can get across the idea to students that YOU MATTER and You deserve to be treated well. Don't wait until you're 46 to decide to stand up for yourself.
So, I'm 16 again today. Trying hard to get back to 46, but having a tough day as my brain floods me with memories. Tomorrow, I will be 46 and I will decide I am worth it.
Tuesday, February 3, 2015
Stuck.
So the last time I posted was September and I was ecstatic - I had FINALLY gotten to overweight instead of obese.
Ha - that lasted about a week - then I was back to where I've been since last March. UGH.
I've used this blog too often as just a - yay, I'm doing great. A way to cheer for myself. Yes, I've talked about the bad things, the mental issues, the body image issues, the food issues...but generally and over all, I've used it to help me feel good about myself and what I am doing.
I guess I haven't felt too good about myself since last March. I've been completely stuck. Yep, since last March I've been the same weight. It doesn't seem to matter what I do, I just stay where I am...stuck
I guess I have spent too much time feeling sorry for myself. I often feel like I've failed. I follow a few weight-loss surgery support groups and I see people who started exactly where I was and had surgery after I did... and they got much further than I have.
I know, I know - never compare yourself to others, we are all on our own journey. I get that. But seriously - an entire year and I have not made any advances. SO, SO angry with myself. I think that's the big thing. My self anger.
I find that I have reverted in my brain to old days of not believing I can achieve what I want. I self-defeat myself. I know exercising is good for me - but when I do, I still don't lose weight. I was being very good about exercising regularly - but still, no change. So - why exercise?
I'm supposed to eat very few carbs - but if I eat few carbs or enjoy carbs - I stay the same.
Am I somehow stopping myself from losing more? I wish I knew. I don't want to be a failure, I don't want to feel like I've failed. But for some reason - I'm stuck.
Is it in my brain - am I self-sabotaging? How do I stop this?
Daily questions and worries. How do I stop this?
Ha - that lasted about a week - then I was back to where I've been since last March. UGH.
I've used this blog too often as just a - yay, I'm doing great. A way to cheer for myself. Yes, I've talked about the bad things, the mental issues, the body image issues, the food issues...but generally and over all, I've used it to help me feel good about myself and what I am doing.
I guess I haven't felt too good about myself since last March. I've been completely stuck. Yep, since last March I've been the same weight. It doesn't seem to matter what I do, I just stay where I am...stuck
I guess I have spent too much time feeling sorry for myself. I often feel like I've failed. I follow a few weight-loss surgery support groups and I see people who started exactly where I was and had surgery after I did... and they got much further than I have.
I know, I know - never compare yourself to others, we are all on our own journey. I get that. But seriously - an entire year and I have not made any advances. SO, SO angry with myself. I think that's the big thing. My self anger.
I find that I have reverted in my brain to old days of not believing I can achieve what I want. I self-defeat myself. I know exercising is good for me - but when I do, I still don't lose weight. I was being very good about exercising regularly - but still, no change. So - why exercise?
I'm supposed to eat very few carbs - but if I eat few carbs or enjoy carbs - I stay the same.
Am I somehow stopping myself from losing more? I wish I knew. I don't want to be a failure, I don't want to feel like I've failed. But for some reason - I'm stuck.
Is it in my brain - am I self-sabotaging? How do I stop this?
Daily questions and worries. How do I stop this?
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