Power of Working together.

I haven't blogged in awhile, but my facebook memories had a blog post show up and I went back to read it and it made me cry.  It was about  a young girl who died WAY too early.

And now, Jacob Wetterling is all over the news again, 27 years later, and the family finally getting closure.  Not the closure anyone would have hoped for, but at least answers.  As I read the news report of his killer recounting the events of that October evening, I cried.  I cannot imagine the pain the Wetterling family had while sitting there listening to him coldly tell of his actions.

Then I realize that today is the anniversary of the death of the young girl who died 4 years ago.  So, I went back and re-read my blog post from September 6, 2012.  I am going to share that post with you again, because every single word rings true still today.  With the politics of our country right now, no matter which persuasion you may be, I think my post works again.  When will we learn?  When will we start being what we want to see?

So, here is my post from 4 years ago - And Jane - you will never be forgotten.

Thursday, September 6, 2012

Life is too short.

Today, the world lost a little girl FAR before her time.  In my hometown of Wadena, Minnesota, Jane Fiemeyer passed away this afternoon.

Jane, also known as the Princess Warrior, was diagnosed with Leukemia in August of 2011.  She battled hard and today she lost that battle just one day after leaving the hospital to go home and prepare for the end of her short life.  Jane was 8 years old.

So what does this horrible, horrible even have to do with The Inner Skinny Me?  I never met Jane, I haven't lived there in 10 years, she wasn't even born when we moved away.  But this little girl has had a powerful effect on me in just the past 4 short days.  Until Monday, I knew nothing about Jane.  I had seen some posts from some facebook friends about a Princess Warrior, but I truly didn't know what was up.  It didn't spark my radar until Monday.

Monday the family posted on Jane's Caringbridge site that the doctors had informed them that they had done everything they could and it was time to prepare for the worst.  They gave her from days to possibly months.  Little did we know it would be 4 short days.

Jane's mom, Jil Lorentz Fiemeyer, started a social media campaign to grant her little Princess her last wish.  The family had never contacted Make a Wish Foundation because they were waiting for remission so she could enjoy her wish.  Unfortunately, the news came so quickly, now there wasn't time to contact them and get her wish granted in time.

In comes the power of social media.  It started as a facebook plea and spread to twitter where it took off.  The hashtag #btrmeetjane spread like wild fire.  Jane's wish was to meet the Nickelodeon Boy Band from Minnesota, Big Time Rush.  By Tuesday there was a tweet from one of the band member's brothers saying a little bird had told him she should expect a message the next day.  Wednesday they discovered that BTR had made a video for Jane and were going to Skype with her on Thursday afternoon.  What they didn't know at the time was that BTR and the Make a Wish Foundation was working to surprise her with a visit in person next Monday at her house.

Jane saw the video they made for her, and it made her happy.  However, Jane died hours before her Skype session was to happen.

The power of social media.  Wow - in less than 3 days strangers from all over the country joined together to make this little girl's wish come true.  Hundreds of people (maybe thousands for all I know) banded together for a positive cause.  People of all races, religions, sexual orientation, political beliefs - just people!  None of the things that cause divisiveness mattered, they were fighting for a common cause, they were treating people kindly and working together to get something done.

Wouldn't it be wonderful if we behaved that way every day?!  Not just in cases of tragedy, but every single day.  What would this country, or better yet world, be like if we attacked everyday life like that.  Not being selfish, not doing what WE want, but doing what should be done.

As a society we tend to be very isolated, we take care of our own.  We help those in tragic situations across the world, but we often forget those right next door.  Maybe their situation isn't "as bad" as others, but they need help.  We look at the world through our own lenses and tend to pass judgement on others.  We don't take the time to try to look at it from their perspective, or to walk in their shoes.  It's hard - we don't want to face the fact that we often neglect and condemn those around us for being different or not having the same ideologies as we have, we can't relate.  Since it's "hard" and we don't want to have those hard conversations and make some hard realizations, we ignore it and expect it to take care of itself.

In a case like Jane - it's not hard.  Everyone, regardless of their backgrounds can empathize with the idea of losing a child, sister, friend.  The idea of an 8 year old not living to see age 9 sends chills up everyone's spine.  And I truly find that pulling together, that working as a team awesome and wonderful.

Imagine what we could do in our own communities, neighborhoods if we pulled together like that for those "hard" situations that we don't want to deal with.  Can you imagine the world we would live in and the effect it could have on your lives?  If we put aside our judgements of others just because they have a different belief system than our own.  If we valued EVERY person regardless of their religion, sexual orientation, political beliefs, racial background, or financial status.  If we treated EVERY person equally and believed that we ALL deserve to be treated the same.

So I put that to you all who are reading my posts...can YOU work on yourself to stop judging others by your own standards and start accepting them for theirs?  It isn't easy, it may be down right difficult, but if we can do that and raise our children to do that...imagine the world we would leave for our grandchildren and their grandchildren.  A world where we all work together and accept EVERYONE for exactly who they are.

Be the person who does the right thing even when it's difficult. Be the person who stands up for the people who no one stands up for.  Be the person who fights for the rights of ALL people.  Help make our world a place our grandchildren and their grandchildren can say truly valued EVERY person.

And, hug your children, your family, your friends.  Be sure to tell the people in your life what they mean to you.  Life is fragile and we never know when someone will be taken from us.

In Memory of the Princess Warrior, Jane Fiemeyer.  May you fly with the Angels and Rest in Peace.

THREE YEARS

So - I was asked today by a friend if a 3rd year anniversary was blog worthy.  Hmmm - let me think about that.  Yeah, probably...if said blogger was actually keeping their blog up.  :-)

So all day I was thinking about what to say, how to say it.  Then, I came to the computer tonight to blog and found that I hadn't published the post I wrote in October.  Weird.  But decided that was a sign of what to write about.  AND THEN, I saw a friend and fellow music teacher and their post about what happened to them today - yep, another sign.

Relationships with students:  That's what I blogged about in October but forgot to post.  That's what this fellow music teacher posted about.  That's what my day was about as well.  So, must be what I'm supposed to talk about.

My facebook status this morning at 8:30 was about the fact that 3 years ago at that exact time I was , headed into a surgery that would change my life forever.  My gastric bypass was May 7, 2013 - 3 years ago today.  Wow - hard to believe it was only 3 years ago.  But yet hard to believe it was JUST 3 years ago.  In some ways it feels like a life time ago and at other times it feels like it was recent.  (which may be because I've had a few surgeries in the past 3 years.  LOL)

As I was posting my status this morning, I was sitting on a school bus taking students to State Large Group Music Contest. I was surrounded by teenagers that I see every day.  A couple of them knew I'd had surgery, but they didn't know me 3 years ago...none of them did.  So none of them knew what I looked like then.  Most of them didn't realize I haven't always been this size.  One of them looked over my shoulder and saw the 2 pictures I was posting.  (one of the students actually took the "now" picture during a voice lesson recently when she stole my phone)

The students who were around me, after one seeing the pictures, all had to see.  They were shocked.  they didn't believe picture #1 was actually me.  Here is picture #1.  This picture was taken spring of 2011.


The students didn't believe that was me.  Here is what they see every day.  This picture was taken by a high school student recently.


Then for a minute or so, some other students took a look as well.

What does this have to do with relationships?  Why did those other things give me a "sign" about what to say?

I'm embarrassed about what I looked like "before" - I'm ashamed.  I don't like what I looked like.  I used to be super embarrassed to see pictures of myself - there are not a lot of pictures of me from then.  I was behind the camera, not in front of it.  There are not a lot of pics of me with my kids or with Mike from the "before" years because I didn't want to be in them.  There aren't a lot of pics of me with them now either - but only because I'm the picture taker in the house and have to give them the camera if I want to be in any.  They are so used to me taking pictures, they don't think of doing it themselves!

Back to relationships - I'm embarrassed by what I used to look like.  But you know what - it wasn't hard to show that picture to the students around me because, I knew I was "safe" - I knew that they wouldn't make fun of it - not even behind my back.  How did I know this?  Because I know the kids and have built a relationship with them.  I knew in my heart that even though I'm embarrassed by what I looked like, the students weren't going to think poorly of me or make fun of the old me.  And believe me, I've had students make fun of me for being fat.  I know how that feels too.

But I've worked to build a relationship with the students, to know that I'm there for them.  That I'll listen, that I care.  They know that I trust them I mean, they take my phone and take my picture and I don't freak out.

Honestly, I started this year extremely nervous.  I was going to be working at the HS with the 7-12 vocal students in small groups for voice lessons.  My last experience with students at the same HS was 2 years ago.  I was a substitute for 3 days.  The 3rd day I had a "horrible" experience with some students (it was only some - most of the students were awesome, so this is NOT a commentary on my school in ANY way!).  Anyway, I had a bad experience with some students and decided I would not sub there any more.  I was not given an opportunity to build a relationship with those students at that time, there are numerous reasons why, but that's not important.

So I was terrified to start working with these students - ALL of the 9-12 choir students had been in the classes I subbed for those 3 days.  And the 11th and 12th graders were present for the "horrible" experience that prompted me to leave.  So the idea of going back and working with those students knowing that they had been there, terrified me.

It was all for nothing.  My experience has been nothing but positive.  I have loved every minute of it.  I have gotten to know some absolutely fabulous kids.  Not as well as I wished since I literally get to teach them about 15 minutes a week.  It has taken me most of the year to be confident about names of the students since I see them so little and have 400 other students I see daily and whose names are in my brain.

But still somehow, I have managed to build a relationship with most of these kids.  They matter to me.  And on some level I truly believe I actually matter to them.  They notice when I'm gone, they "lecture" me about me being gone and how they didn't like that and they wanted me to be there.  That's a good feeling as a teacher.  That lets me know that somehow, in some way, I'm doing something right.

I'm a FIRM believer that as a teacher I teach STUDENTS not curriculum.  The student and their well being is so much more important that the curriculum.  If there isn't some relationship built between you - they don't learn.  They go through the steps, they do what they are told, but the real learning doesn't happen.  Knowing the kids and their backgrounds and their history makes such a difference when you are a teacher.  It allows you to teach the student, not the work.  My friend's post on facebook was about him seeing a fellow teacher at his contest in Minnesota today and his fellow teacher was carrying around a baby.  That baby was the child of one of this teacher's students.  The student had contacted the teacher saying she had no child care so she would not be able to attend contest.  The teacher could have said, fine, stay home.  But he didn't, he said, bring the baby.  Without saying the words, he told that student...and every other student in his group .... that she mattered to the group, she was important and just because she was a teen mom didn't change that.

My friend said that this teacher thought to himself that he needed to remove all the barriers to this kid's learning.  That's why he said to bring along the baby.  It would have been more convenient to leave the girl and her baby behind.  But it wouldn't have been better for the girl.  This teacher told her that she mattered. He showed her, and all his students, that he cares about ALL students, regardless of their circumstances.

Powerful.  Because that is SO what I strive for.  I want all of my students to know that I care about them and want to be their teacher - and their circumstances don't change that in any way.  But I can't do that if I don't KNOW their circumstances.  This teacher could have thought this girl was just making excuses, but he knew her, he had a relationship with her to know that she wasn't doing that.  She was being respectful and telling him she couldn't attend.  She could have just not shown up.  That relationship is why she contacted him - she respected him and wanted him to know she wouldn't be there.  I bet she was shocked when he told her to bring the baby - but notice, she trusted him and did it.

Back to me and my 3rd year anniversary.  I'm NOT proud of what I used to look like.  I'm not proud of being that over weight.  But I AM proud of what I have accomplished.  And you know what, those students today who saw my pictures - they were proud of me too - at least that's my interpretation.  There wasn't laughter, there wasn't smirking - there was true astonishment.  I've seen the laughter and smirking with others before who have seen the "before" - I know what that looks like.  That wasn't there.  And I have to believe it's because we have built that relationship.

I'm fortunate, I get to work with amazing kids every day, I get to share their lives and I get to watch them and their accomplishments and I get to cheer them on and praise them.  I see their struggles and I get to be there to ask if they are okay, do they need help.  I'm so, so lucky to do what I do every day.

So, in a roundabout way, this was about my 3rd anniversary.  My self-confidence is SO MUCH more since my surgery.  When you aren't ashamed of what you look like, it allows you to be more open. 5 years ago, I wouldn't have shared a picture of myself with students, I would make sure they did NOT see it.  But what does that really teach a child?  That if they are over weight, they have something about their looks they don't like....that they should be ashamed of themselves?  By not trusting myself enough to be that open in the past - I have sent the message that I wasn't "enough".

These 3 years have taught me - I AM enough, for exactly who I am, whatever I look like.  And THAT is the message I want kids to get from me.  That no matter what they look like, what they weigh, what their personal circumstances are - they are "enough" and they are wonderful.  I don't want any student of mine to think that I don't think they are "enough".  Every child deserves to think they are "enough" and not feel badly about themselves and think they need to be better.

That doesn't mean that we can't encourage them to achieve more or higher.  But we should never give them the message that they are lacking or not worthy for some reason.  Until I believed that about myself, I don't know that I was truly able to give that unspoken message to my students.  How could I if I didn't believe it about myself?!

These last 3 years and the journey I have been on has taught me so much about myself.  These last 3 years have made me a better mother and teacher because I now love myself enough that it's easy for me to say to Maggie and Matthew and my students that they are wonderful JUST THE WAY THEY ARE and they are worthy of being valued.  I've always said it - but kids are smart.  If they see that you don't like yourself  (and yes, they are smart enough to see that and feel that) - then they aren't going to believe you when you tell them they should like themselves.  They're thinking in their heads - yeah right, she doesn't like herself, but she tells me to like myself.  Ha.

So these 3 years have taught me as a mother and teacher that you can't preach it if you don't practice it.  I've always known that, and probably said it - but now I believe it and "get" it.  Those relationships I build with my students, they mean the world to me.  I have former students who are now parents and I still have a relationship with them - I now call them friends.  That is amazing.

Maggie, Matthew, any former or current students who read this - YOU ARE ENOUGH, you matter, you are perfect just the way you are.  Don't ever let anyone (including yourself) tell you differently.  You are amazing!

Building a relationship

Side Note - I wrote this October 9, 2015 and forgot to post it.  So I'm posting it now

I teach music.  I teach voice lessons.  That means, kids get to meet with me 1 on 1 or in small groups and we work on the music they are singing in choir.

For some the idea of singing all by themselves is absolutely terrifying.  Today I had  a student for voice lessons who is quiet and for this student, the idea of singing for me all alone freaked her out.

Now, this student is not one that I had at Roundy last year, so I am new to her.  And let's face it, I'm loud, talk extremely fast and can be overwhelming if you don't know me.

My elementary students know me.  I'm a nut.  I dance, I sing crazy, I talk with silly accents.  By they time I ask them to sing for me, they don't usually even think twice about it.

So, I was totally thrown off when this student was NOT going to sing for me because her lesson mates didn't show up and she was NOT going to sing all by herself.

It took a bit of cajoling on my part and promising that I won't even look at her to get her to sing.  I also goofed around with her a bit about the fact that her mom isn't quiet, neither is her grandma (to which she said, definitely not quiet!).  And she added in that her dad isn't quiet either.  LOL

I said maybe that's why she is quiet, they do all the talking.  But then said, well that theory is blown cuz I'm not quiet and neither is my husband and NEITHER are my kids.  We are all loud.

I "think" that put her more at ease because she did actually end up singing for me.  I sang the whole time as well and I played the piano and looked at my music only periodically glancing up to at least see that her mouth was moving.

Honestly - I could hear her at times and I was working on getting her comfortable with me looking at her.  So I just glanced up once in awhile so she would see that yes, I was paying attention, but I was still singing and playing and really not watching her - just looking every once in awhile.

But all of this made me think about how important the relationship is that we build with our students.  For a student to learn then need to feel safe and like they can trust the adult teaching them.

I do breakfast duty every single day at school.  I am always carrying around either a water bottle full of hot chocolate, protein shake or water.  I often sit down with the kids and chat.  Many, many people do not like having to do lunch room duty.  I'm not sure what the huge difference is between breakfast and lunch in there - but I know people try to only do lunch duty one year at a time and get to something else the next year if possible.  I don't feel like that at breakfast.  I absolutely love my breakfast duty.  In fact, when my principal started discussing the duties we would need to have covered I immediately asked if I could PLEASE have breakfast duty again this year.  No one argued, it's mine.

So, why do I love breakfast duty so much?  Because I get to spend time with the students NOT when I am expected to be getting curriculum taught to them.  That's the hard part about being a "specials" teacher.  I see the kids 35 minutes at a shot every 2 or 3 days.  I don't have any down time, or in between time in which to be able to get to know the kids individually.  Classroom teachers get that opportunity, they are able to really get to know their class of students and I envy that!

So, this allows me the chance to work on that kind of "down time" relationship.  To get to know the kids outside of the music classroom.  What makes them tick, what do they like, why do they do this, etc.

I don't stress about the kids talking while eating - or the loudness in the room.  Honestly, I don't even notice how loud or quiet it is.  I'm too focused on the kids and how they are doing.  Others may think I am crazy and that it's super loud - but I honestly have never noticed it being overly loud.  Not saying it doesn't happen, just that I haven't noticed it.

I learn about the birthdays happening that day, see the unique "gifts" students bring for the classroom teacher and are SO proud of.  (Yesterday's "gift" - hilarious.  A couple of students brought painted apples for their teachers, like an entire ice cream bucket full of them.  Upon looking in their bucket I decided I would NOT be offended if they didn't offer me an apple.

At lunch, the 2 teachers these girls have were talking about the apples they received.  Discussing the colors they were painted and how theirs were different from each others.  I looked at them and said, "They are real apples, you know."

They did NOT know.  They thought they were little wooden or plastic apples the kids painted.  IT never even occurred to them that the students had painted REAL apples.  About 3 hours later I get an email from one of the teachers.  All it says is "Yep.....They're real!!!!!!!!!!!!  LOL"   In fact, it wasn't even a full fledged email - that was the subject of the email and there was no body to it.

Now remember, this is a couple of hours later and I'm now in the high school doing voice lessons and I have totally forgotten about the lunch conversation and the fact that I suggested they go back and check on the apples to see if they are wood or real.  Yep, totally forgot about all of this.

So when I got the email "Yep, they're real" - my mind was not on apples.  My brain went elsewhere.  So I had to reply with "What are real?!?!?"

She replies, "apples  LOL"  At that point I nearly fall over I'm laughing so hard reading my email.

My point in all of this - I actually had the opportunity to build a realtionship wit the students during my daily breakfast duty so that I knew about these apples and knew they were real.

I work really, really hard in the mornings to be a positive, smiling face and voice when the kids are at breakfast.  I want them to feel welcomed and appreciated and safe.

Sit backwards, please!

So the other day I re-read a blog I wrote from 3 years ago.  In that blog I talked about how we as educators all too often don't practice what we preach.  We talk to kids every day about being who they are, being true to themselves, etc, etc, etc.   We tell them that everyone is special in their own way and that they should celebrate their differences, not try to fit a mold.

And then we turn around and force them to sit up straight, feet on the floor, etc, etc.  I talked about how we do that to kids and then tell them to read.  That is the LAST way I would choose to read.  I don't focus on a book well in that situation.  I need to be sitting back, or lying down or something.

So today, I was thinking about that blog post and my thoughts and in walked my first class of the day - 6th graders.  6th graders who, in some cases, really are not fans of school and don't necessarily play the "game" of school very well.  One student in particular in this class, struggles with paying attention, staying on task and remembering that he is not supposed to talk whenever he wants to.

They were the first class of the day so they were getting the chairs out.  This student grabbed his chair and then proceeded to sit backwards in it and face the kids behind him.  I almost told him to turn around and sit the right way.  And then I stopped myself.  Mind you, this was all in my mind in a matter of a split second.  anyway - I looked at him and said, "That's fine, sit that way if you want.  But please turn the chair around then so you are at least facing me so you are able to focus on what I'm saying."

He looked at me - shocked.  I had to repeat that it was fine, but he needed to turn the chair around backwards then so he was facing the front of the room.  He was speechless for a moment, which is a rare, rare occurrence for this young man.  Then he turned his chair backwards and sat backwards in it facing the front of the room.

Guess what - he was more on task today than any other day I can remember.  Somehow me allowing him to sit backwards in a chair clicked for him and made him able to focus.  I don't know if it's the fact that he got to sit backwards and that is more comfortable for him or if he was so shocked that I said it was okay that he just couldn't believe it.  Honestly, I don't care why it worked, I just know that it worked.

I will admit, when I first told him I could there was a nagging little voice in my mind saying, "Great, now you've done it.  Now everyone is going to want to turn their chairs around just cuz you said HE could."  Again - this was a quick thing in my head, but it was there.  My decision was 2 fold - 1) who cares if they all want to sit backwards, how does that affect me?  If they are in their chair backwards or forwards, why would I care, as long as they are actually paying attention to what I want them to be.  2) I AM the teacher, if it gets out of hand, I can say NO.

Guess what - not a single other student tried to turn their chair around AND not a single student complained that it wasn't fair, or anything.  It was a complete non issue in their eyes.  It didn't affect them either - well, that's not true.  It affected them positively - since this student was sitting this way, he was more focused and on task and thus not bothering those around him by talking, moving around and being a general distraction.

Last year I had a student who really needed to have their chair away from the group.  He didn't want to be in the front or even in the middle.  He wanted to be totally separated - like he moved his chair each day to the back wall of the room.  Again, I was worried at first what the other kids would say and how they would react.  But again, nothing.  It was a non issue to them.  But for this child it did a couple of things.
1) It made him feel more comfortable.  It gave him ownership of his placement which allowed him to focus on class instead of not liking where he was.
2) It gave him more respect for me in the classroom.  Instead of fighting with me or arguing with me - he now would talk to me, ask questions, volunteer answers.  It gave  us a better student/teacher relationship.
3) Because of the first 2 things - he did better in the class than he had been doing.  He was now able to focus on class and it helped him improve all around!

Two successful stories.  Two very easy "fixes" for something that could get troublesome.  I've renewed my focus of thinking about what makes it easiest for the student instead of what makes it easiest for me.  After all, it's my job to teach these people and if I want to be effective as a teacher, I need to realize that we all learn in different ways and none of them are the "right" or "wrong" way - they are simply different and that is okay!

So, I will continue to let my student sit backwards if that is what is his natrual, normal way of sitting.  I will continue to let a student find their own place in teh room to sit if that will help that student do their best.

So please, Sit backwards and see what you can accomplish!

Renewed

Wow - so I haven't blogged since May and my 2 year anniversary of my bypass surgery.    I meant to write all summer long cuz I had interesting things happen during the summer.  So here we go in a quick nutshell.

June 2 I had plastic surgery.  When you lose 130 pounds you have a bit of excess skin, and if you are lucky (hear sarcasm in the word lucky) you get infections in the skin flaps where the skin on skin contact happens.  Well, the truly lucky part of that is that if you are getting infections and you are documenting it and seeing the doctor and getting it treated, insurance sees it as a medical necessity to remove the excess skin.  Meaning - they'll cover the surgery to remove the excess skin!!!!

If you're even more lucky (again, sarcasm) you had large breasts that have always caused neck and back pain.  And losing 130 pounds didn't stop that pain.  The breasts got smaller - but the excess skin on them still pulled and added weight and pain.  So - insurance does usually cover breast reduction surgery, and for me they did cover it.

The doctor originally wanted only to do a breast lift, remove the excess skin but leave the actual breast tissue.  His reasoning was that most of my problem was the excess skin and when you do a reduction, insurance requires a certain amount of actual breast tissue be removed - if you only take the excess skin insurance considers that cosmetic, not medically necessary.  He was worried that with the excess skin removed AND the amount of breast tissue required to be removed, I would be unhappy with the proportion of my breasts to the rest of my body.

This caused a lot of tears and soul searching.  How can I go from breasts that are way to big to breasts that are too big, but too small?!?!  In the end, I decided that the back and neck pain going away was most important.  That would probably have happened if we only did a lift and removed the excess skin - but insurance wouldn't pay for that and I didn't have an extra $7,000 lying around to pay for it.  So, I decided that if insurance would cover a reduction, then let's do it.  And if I'm unhappy with the size after - I'd get a good push up bra!

I'm happy to say - they covered the reduction, and I LOVE my new breasts.  TMI moment coming - they are "perky" for the first time in my life.  Like, I could get away with not wearing a bra!  Wow, that's never been the case.

The surgery for the removal of the tummy skin is supposed to be very painful.  THAT was what I was most afraid of going into the surgery on June 2.  I was imagining waking up and being is terrible pain, like intolerable and me begging for relief, etc.  Yes, it hurt.  Yes, I was sure to get my pain meds.  But it was never intolerable or unbearable.  With the pain med on board, I was good.  Which for me is pretty amazing because I am a pain wimp!  I don't tolerate pain well.  But honestly - if I stayed on top of the pain meds, I was just fine.  Yes, it hurt, but I could tolerate it and go on with life.

The hiccup happened about 10 days after surgery - First a quick explanation.  To do the skin removal on my abdomen they did an incision basically hip to hip.  This incision was very low - like so low you could wear a bikini and not see it at all.  The incisions were actually exactly where the elastic on the legs from your underwear hit.  Yes, that was NOT pleasant for a few days!  In addition, I had a big blop of excess skin above my belly button.  So to get to that they had to do a vertical incision as well.  That one goes up to like an inch or so below my breasts.  so think a big upside down T -and those are my incisions.

10 days after surgery the vertical incision opened up a little about an inch and a half above where they two incisions met.  They weren't worried at first.  But then it started weeping and then it was not just weepy, but puss was coming out - again, TMI coming - a LOT of puss was coming out.  Remember, I was still quite swollen from the surgery.  But I could push on the tummy next to the incision and stuff would just ooze out - LOTS of stuff would ooze out.  I ended up in the ER in Iowa City.  They got me on an antibiotic and sent me home.  That was Saturday.  By Monday I was freaking out cuz more was open an LOTS and LOTS of stuff was coming out.  Tuesday I saw the surgeon and he re-opened about 2 inches of the vertical incision.  And when I say re-opened, I mean, take a scalpel and cut down through the original incision all the way down through the fat tissue and all - it was about 2 inches long and a good inch, inch and a half deep.

Let me tell you - it's weird hearing them cut through your skin and tissue.  I couldn't feel it because they did a quick local anesthetic, but I was wide awake and could feel the pulling and hear the cutting.  I told them they should provide ear plugs.  LOL

Then came the news that I would need to put medicine on gauze and shove it into the open wound every day.  When we started this process on June 16, The gauze was probably a good 14 inches long.  Yes, we had to put medicine on it, and then use a Q-tip and push it down into the wound.  Then put gauze over it the top and tape it down.  We did this twice a day.  And when you pulled out the old gauze it was nasty gross.  The first about 4 days of this I was quite sick.  Not just the infection in the skin, but it also made me physically sick.  I remember very little of those next 4 days or so.

My kids were intrigued by the open incision.  Matthew had to get a flashlight to shine into it so he could see all around inside it.  Made me smile.  At that point, I couldn't even watch as Mike would stuff the gauze into the wound.  It nearly made me sick.  It didn't hurt, but I could feel the pressure of him pushing it in and packing it in there good.  AFter a couple of weeks, I got so I could do it myself.  This was a good thing since I was packing gauze into that wound until the end of August.

Once they open up a wound like that, they don't close it again - they let it heal from the inside out.  By the end I was putting like an inch of gauze in, just to cover it - I'd put the medicine right into the hole and then shove a little gauze in to keep it there and cover it.  Then a few days of just covering it - not big enough to put anything in it.  And by the first day of school, September 2 - I was completely gauze free.  Let me tell you, that was a joyous day.  There were times during the summer I thought it would never end!

So that was my summer.  Really, after about June 23 or so, I was doing well, just had the inconvenience of having to pack the darn think twice a day.  Other than that, I was great.

My breasts - they never gave me much of a problem at all.  I did have one little spot that opened up but it was because a stitch in the lower layer of skin came out.  Once they cut that away, it closed up quick as quick can be.

The summer taught me a lot of patience with myself.  I spent most of the summer not allowed to lift more than 8 pounds.  8 pounds really isn't very much when it comes right down to it.  And you feel stupid making your kids carry the groceries in when you feel just fine!  But hey, they were awesome.   All 3 of my family were fabulous and caring and nurturing through this whole thing!  I've got a pretty fabulous family!

What the summer also did was see me eating stuff I shouldn't be eating.  My tummy got extra picky this summer and lots of things that have always been great, started making me sick.  But man oh man, the carbs went in just fine.  so, instead of losing the 6 pounds they cut off during the surgery, I actually weigh 2 more pounds than when I started.  THIS has me angry with myself.  I can't blame anyone but me.  I know what I have to do, I know what I did to cause it - and really, it's 2 pounds.  But to me, it's TWO pounds and I want them gone.  Plus, I want the 6 pounds they cut off gone too!  So, I've vowed to myself that I am going to get "back on the wagon" with my eating and get moving more again.  I'm feeling like a failure to some extent and for myself, I need to prove that I can do this.

With that - I've also decided I need to start blogging more regularly again.  3 years ago when I was blogging nearly every day, I really got in touch with myself and it felt great.  Yesterday I was reading a blog from 3 years ago.  It came up on my facebook memories.  I thought, hmmm, I wonder what I wrote about 3 years ago.  So i read it.  It made me think about myself, how I deal with people in general, how others deal with people in general, etc.  When I started this blog, it started with the intention of being about my weight loss journey.  But it morphed into something much more important to me.  It morphed into a blog about how society treats people, how people treat people and my observations and opinions about that.

It morphed into that because for the first time in my, then, 43 years, I felt free to say whatever I wanted to say.  To admit things I was feeling, to actually say my weight out loud and NOT be ashamed of it.  Our society teaches us to be ashamed of our weight - almost whatever that weight is.  And by allowing myself to say my weight and be okay with that - it allowed me to say a whole lot more of what I'd kept inside.

Anyway, reading my post from 3 years ago - renewed that in me and I've decided that I want to blog again.  I may bore people, but I'm doing this for me.  And if along the way something I say helps someone - great.  But the real point is to help me!  Being able to just say what I'm thinking, put my opinions out there - get to say what I think is wrong with situations and how I wish they'd be fixed - I don't know - it helps me be a better person all the way around.  It gives me a refreshed way of dealing with my students, my children, even my husband!  LOL

So - here we go - I'm renewed and going to start this blog thing again.  It may be about my weight loss and body image issues - cuz believe me they are still there.  And it may be a lot more.  I guess we shall see.

2 Years - WOW

So, May 7th marked the 2 year mark from my surgery.  Hard to believe it's been 2 years.  I've come a LONG way during those 2 years.

Here is a "before" picture of me in jeans.

This was taken summer 2012 in Michigan.

And now - here are those SAME pants on me last month.

Yep - SAME jeans - nearly 3 years later - I'm standing in ONE leg.

Then - here is a before and after face picture.

I have these pictures on my computer and my phone as a reminder of where I came from.  It helps when I am having a down day and feeling dumpy and fat.

It's still hard for me when I look in the mirror - I see the old me.  Yes, I KNOW in my head I have lost 130 pounds, but when I look in the mirror I see the 327 pound girl - I see the rolls, I see the chins.

I'm working on that.  I am starting to see the real me - but these pics definitely help me.  They help me see the comparison.  They are helping me slowly start to see the new me when I look in the mirror.

I had my 2 year checkup with the bariatric department.  Same weight I was a year ago at my 1 year appointment.  Last year, the surgeon was pretty negative with me.  He was focused on my BMI and that it was still over 30 and he wanted it below 25 so I would have a "normal" BMI.  No praise for 130 pounds lost.  No praise for how far I had come.

This appointment I saw the PA who was the one who saw me before surgery at my appointments.  He was all about how far I had come, the co-morbidities being gone AND that I have maintained the same weight for a year.  He was about the fact that I have lost 76.5% of my excess weight.   76.5%  That's a great number.  They consider 50% or more a success.  They say you can lose UP TO 77%.  That's not an average - that's their top expectation - the average is lower.  So my 76.5% is fabulous.  And I have maintained it.

The PA was awesome.  I told him I had left last year let down by the reaction and response by the surgeon.  He apologized - he said he was quite impressed with what I have done and that I need to focus on what I DID accomplish, not what I did not.  That made me feel a whole lot better.

I told him that yes, I originally wanted to lose 20 more pounds.  But it doesn't seem to matter if I eat less, exercise more, eat more, exercise less, etc, etc - I just stay where I am.  So I decided in February that I needed to be happy with what I accomplished and go with it and be satisfied instead of beating myself up over where I didn't get.

So in February I met with the plastic surgeon.  I wanted to find out what we needed to do to see if insurance would cover removing my excess skin on my abdomen.  And also talked about my breasts.  We briefly chatted about my thighs and arms, but that will come after and will not be covered by insurance.

The plastic surgeon was awesome and straight forward.  He documented everything as had my primary care doctor been documenting everything.  And.....insurance approved the procedures.

So - my big news - in just over a week, on June 2 - I am having the excess skin on my abdomen removed (that's called a panniculectomy) and a breast reduction.  Originally the surgeon wanted to do a mastopexy - which is a lift, just removing all the excess skin, no breast tissue.  But insurance considers that elective and cosmetic and vanity surgery - so they don't cover it.  But they DO cover reduction.  I've had my upper back/shoulder/neck pain documented for years so insurance approved a breast reduction.  The surgeon was concerned that I would not like my new proportions as removing the required amount of breast tissue will leave me a small B cup.  And that concerned me at first as well.

But many hours, days, weeks of pondering and contemplating later,..I decided I could buy push up or padded bras if I'm worried about the look.  Having insurance cover the surgery and no longer having the pain in my neck/shoulder/back be gone is more than worth it to me.  I will say though - with surgery a week away - THAT is the only thing I am really nervous about.  I have been a DDD or DD for as long as I can remember.  And I'm going to end up a small B!  THAT will be a change.

At my appointment with the bariatric department last week, the PA warned me that this plastic surgery will be significantly more painful than my bypass surgery.  I laughed because my brother in law is a PA in the Twin Cities and when he found out I was doing this - his first thing was, "I'm sure you know this, but that is extremely painful."  Yes, Yes, I know.  But, the end result will be so worth it.

As the date is getting closer and closer, I get more and more excited.  What will I look like?  What will having smaller breasts be like?  What will it be like to NOT have all that excess skin below my belly button?  And what will it be like to not have the extra pooch of skin above my belly button?

I do think about the pain that I will have - but I will have a pump while in the hospital and I know how to push the button.  I won't try to be brave and tough it out - I'm not tough, I'm a wimp!  LOL

And once home, I will not be afraid to take the pain meds they send me home with.  Yes, they'll make me loopy and knock me out - but if I can get past the first week or so in a daze, life should be better!

I've arranged to borrow a walker for the first couple of weeks.  They have warned me that they pull the skin quite tight and I won't be standing up straight for awhile.

I have my recliner set to be slept in so my body can stay kind of bent and reduce pulling on the incisions.

I have my wonderful parents set to be here for the first week.  They'll stay with the kids while I'm in the hospital and then be here to help me as needed when I'm out so Mike can go back to work.  They'll help with the running of the kids to all of their events that first week so when Mike is home he can help me and give them a break.

I have to work 5 more days at school - I'm afraid they are going to be 5 LOOOOONG days because I am getting excited for June 2 to come.  But I have a lot to do and that should keep me pretty busy.

I've hired someone to come clean for us this summer so that Mike doesn't have to worry about that in addition to helping me.  I'm not allowed to lift anything greater than 10 pounds for at least 6 weeks.  No vacuuming and straining.  So bending and scrubbing the shower is definitely out.  :-)

Summer will be one of recovery - if all goes well AND I'm willing to do it again - I'm going to do my thighs after the 6 week recovery for the tummy and breasts.  At first I was confident that Yes, I'll do it.  I'm now holding that decision off until I see how this first surgery and recovery goes.  But, it's definitely still a possibility.

So - kids are all excited and anticipating the end of school and their first day of summer - June 2.  And I'm all excited and anticipating my surgery, also June 2.  Should be a pretty great day for all of us.  The only one who may not enjoy it so much - poor Mike who has to sit in the hospital waiting room all day.  He doesn't get to enjoy the first day of summer with the kids and he doesn't have a surgery to look forward to...he has a long day of sitting and waiting to look forward to.  Man it's a good thing he loves me and is so awesome.  He is always right there for me and is the most supporting and amazing husband ever.  I would be lost without him.

It is now Monday, May 25 - so I have 8 days to wait.  The count down is on!

I'm 16 Again

It is absolutely amazing to me how quickly one can be transported back in time.  It takes one smell, one song, one taste, or one comment to quickly make you feel like you are 16 again.

This morning that happened to me.  Two short sentences transported me back to HS and all of the feelings from then.  For me, this is NOT a good thing.

30 years has past since I was 16, but the memories of the way I was treated by some people feel like yesterday when something like this happens.

I think one of the hardest things my amazing husband has had to put up with in our 24+ year relationship is my self-esteem, or lack there of.  He sees things bring me down, he sees how things affect me, he sees my lack of confidence in myself...and he is always reminding me about the good things, about who I really am inside.

Today, I called him in where I was getting ready for work and I told him he was going to be proud of me.  He looked at me and in typical Mike said, "I'm always proud of you."  Then he saw I was upset.  I explained that there was a fb group conversation started by HS classmates of mine.  They are wanting to plan a trip somewhere for when we all turn 50.  The person who started it said in the first post, feel free to add people from our class.  So I'm reading from the beginning of the conversation (I got added this morning).  Sounds like fun, they are planning a trip to somewhere, domestic to keep costs down, and people are throwing out ideas.

Then a classmate says, "Aren't you going to invite Molly?  Just kidding, that was mean."

Boom - I'm 16 again.

Why did I tell Mike he'd be proud of me?  He is always telling me to remove myself from situations that are like that - hurtful.  But I never do because 1) I don't want to hurt someone's feelings and 2) I imagine that after I do remove myself then I'm talked about and bad mouthed.

But today, as I was blowdrying my hair, with tears running down my face, I decided...to hell with it - I do not need to subject myself to this.  And I "left the conversation".

Now I know that may not seem like a big deal - but for me it is.  I can't unfriend someone on facebook because that's confrontational to me.  I don't like confrontation.  I avoid it at all cost.  I will say "I'm Sorry" if it means the confrontation will end - even if I have nothing to be sorry for.  But today, something in me snapped and I had enough belief in myself to leave the conversation, regardless of if they will talk about me.

I don't know if my weight loss journey is the reason for my ability to finally do something for myself in this regard or not.  My whole weight loss journey has been doing something for myself...taking control of my health.

My brain has been racing since this morning.  Thinking, pondering...when did I lose confidence in myself?  I have great memories of Kindergarten and first grade.  I remember holding hands with Jess Graba in 1st grade (under the table during movies).  I remember show and tell in Kindergarten.  I don't remember a lot, but what I do remember is all good.

2nd grade - I have 2 memories - one of a boy having to be restrained by the teacher and one where I got the number of syllables in estate wrong.  Not sure why I have so few memories from that grade.

But 3rd grade on - the memories that come are not pleasant.  I'm not saying there are no good memories, I'm just saying that if you ask me to remember those years what immediately comes to my mind is negative.

In Kindergarten and 1st grade I was average size like the rest of my classmates.  2nd grade - like I said, no memories.  But in 3rd grade I would be what you would call pleasantly plump.  That's when the bad memories start.

No, I am not saying that all the bad memories are because of my weight - but I have learned that the continued weight gain has a lot to do with my memories and my emotions.  One boy in HS even decided it would be fine to call me "Moose" - and no one stopped him.  They thought it was funny.

I was/am definitely an emotional eater.  Food makes you feel better, right?  Ha

I'm a strong willed person.  I was raised to do my best, be strong.  I grew up in a family of yellers.  We were a loud family.  Want to be heard - shout a little louder.  LOL - if  only we had stopped yelling and listened better to each other.  But that's another story.

Anyway, Somehow my being strong developed into me being a bossy know-it-all.  Yes, I wanted to be in charge, I wanted things done my way (the right way, of course) and I wanted it to be good.  This part of me is probably why to this day I have a lot of acquaintances and very few actual friends I could call in when I am in need.

I have never made friends easily - part of it, I think, is because I suck at small talk.  And, until recently, I sucked at listening.  Remember - yell louder you'll be heard.  LIstening was not a strong point - so conversations needed to be ME centered.  I still find it easier to talk about my kids or something I'm doing in school or something I know than to talk with others about whatever.  But I'm really working on that.  I also have trouble looking people in the eye when talking - never understood exactly why - but it's only when I feel the "lesser role."

So, I've never made friends easily - but growing up, I desperately wanted friends.  I wanted someone to want to hang out with me.  I wanted to be "popular".  As I think back (oh if only we could know then what we know now!) I did everything I could do to be noticed.  I talked about myself, I bragged about my grades, I made sure people knew I was there.

I guess I thought if they knew I was smart, doing well, involved in many things they would think I was worthy of their friendship.  But (again, if only I knew then what I know now) it did the exact opposite - actually made it worse to be honest.

Unfortunately, one of the things I was teased about, relentlessly by some, was my weight.  My reaction?  When I got home I would eat.  My favorite emotional eating food - Cheetos with dip.  Yep, with dip.  Delicious.  Oh - not just some - the whole bag.  Food made me feel good, food became my panacea to a bad day.  Fighting with my mom or brother or dad?  Eat, that will make me feel good.

At school, Music was my saving grace - it was my safe place - a place I could be me.  Music was a place I could just be and not be judged - most of the time anyway.

The funny thing - a memory - I was voted most likely to become president my senior year.  Ha - I thought," Wow, they believe in me."  Looking back - did they believe in me or was it "she is bossy and wants to be in charge - always makes herself be in charge so she'll make it so she IS in charge."

To put it lightly - I HATED high school.  It was pure hell for me.  I went home most days and cried.

BUT - that's why I became a teacher.  I have always said, "If I can help just ONE person through the hell we call high school, I will feel like I have accomplished something."  I have been fortunate that there are former students who now, as adults, have told me that I did make a difference for them.  I did give them that place where they could be accepted for who they are.  Knowing that keeps me going.  Keeps me staying the person who will always be there for the kids.

My favorite part of my day at school?  Breakfast.  I have breakfast duty every single day.  Most people hate being in the lunch room, loud, messy.  But I love it.  Why?  Because the kids are just kids there and you learn so much about them.  You get to know them as a kid, not just a student.  You get to know who needs a little more attention, who can use a hug, who needs to be reminded to be kind, etc.  I love going to the events my students are in - supporting them and them knowing that what they do outside of my classroom is cool and awesome.

On of my classroom expectations is that you will show respect for feelings.  And I always start the year talking about who has been teased, how does it make you feel, who HAS teased - think about it, you are making them feel the way you said you don't like.  You get the idea.  I try to put it to them in a way they will understand.

So, I left Wadena and headed to college and never looked back.  I was so glad to get away from high school and all that meant to me.  At college, I met the love of my life.  Someone who gets ME.  Understand me inside and out.  I thank God daily for putting him in my life.

Fast forward to 2007 - my 20th reunion.  About a week before the reunion a classmate contacted me and asked if I had pictures.  My mom did a great job in my younger years of taking pics and having them in little albums.  I had a lot of pics from preschool and early elementary school.  Those were great memories for me - those were the years I do remember fondly.

I scanned them in and sent them to her.  During the slide show presentation one of the pictures from like my 5th or 6th birthday came up - there were at least 8 classmates in the picture.  As we watch the slide show a classmate yells out, "Hey look, it's when Molly HAD friends."  And everybody laughed. Needless to say, I remember little else from the reunion.  The other memory from that reunion is the same classmate going up to the microphone and calling people who weren't at the reunion and calling them losers and hanging up on them.  THAT in itself is bad, but worse - nobody stopped him.  A lot of people laughed and egged him on.  Others just ignored it - but no one stopped him.

I was already "done" because of the comment he had made about me during the slide show...so I had nothing in me to stand up to him.  Besides, that would be confrontational - and I've already talked about how much I like confrontation.  But none of my classmates told him to stop either.

We finished the night, didn't stay long, Mike was ready to walk out during the slide show - but me, Miss Anti Confrontation, wouldn't let him.  I made us stay.

Why do I talk about that?  Because 20 years later I had the same feelings from high school.  That I'm not worth anything, they have a right to treat me that way and I should just put up with it.  I was told so much to ignore that kind of behavior and it will go away.  Or that I was paranoid and thought everyone was out to get me.  But it never went away, so I started to believe that that was normal for me to be treated that way - I deserved to be treated that way.

Kids do not realize the impact teasing and belittling can have on a person.  For that matter, adults don't realize the impact words can have on a person.

I've realized something about myself recently... I always think I'm younger than everyone else around me.  I'm not.  But I always feel like they know more than me, they are more deserving than me, they are the ones who should get to call the shots, I should just let them because I'm not worth anything.  Ha - it's not that I feel younger - it's that I feel like I'm not worth it.  I don't deserve it.  I'm horribly nervous about leading a group of adults doing something - what if they don't like what I'm doing, what if they say I'm doing it wrong, what if they make fun of me, what if they don't like me because I ......  you get the picture.

But for my whole life I have not been willing to stand up for myself, not even a little, when it comes to matters of self-worth.  I've allowed people to control how I feel about myself.  I've given others way too much control of ME.

This morning - after reading the comment.  I couldn't take myself out of the conversation.  I thought I needed to just stay there and stay quiet otherwise I'd be asking for them to belittle me more.

Then I got mad at myself and decided, NO, I'm worth it.  And I removed myself from the conversation...literally.

This may not seem like a big deal to most people but for me it was HUGE.  Later today, when I get the chance to get on facebook, I will actually go a step further and "unfriend" the person who made the comment.  That person has been in my life from birth and starting about 4th grade, she has been nothing but nasty to me.  But I've allowed her to be part of my life because I felt like I couldn't cut her out because it might hurt her feelings.

WHO AM I KIDDING - she has made it clear that she has no trouble hurting feelings, why should I be allowing her to do it to me.

Like I said - this is HUGE for me.  It's 46 - it's time I learned to stand up for myself and believe in myself.  And get rid of the negative people in my life.  I don't have to let them stay there - I can choose to remove them.

So I get to school this morning and I'm still in a funk.  I started writing this blog entry.  Then I have a class come in - 4th graders.  I decided that this may not be about music, but it most certainly is about school.  I told them this whole story...condensed of course.  And, I cried as I told it.  Yes, my students saw me cry - actually had a hard time talking at first I was crying so hard.

But they saw just how REAL it is.  I talked with them about how you may think - I'm 10, I'm just saying one little thing, I'm just teasing....but when you are on the receiving end of that day after day, it sticks.  I told them that I was there to tell them that what you say now WILL be remembered and DOES have an affect on people.

I told them we always talk about bullying.  I said I don't like that word because they hear it so much it has stopped meaning much to them.  I told them, when you say or do anything to someone that you wouldn't want said or done to you (or do it behind their backs) - then you are in the wrong.  NO ONE has the right to make others feel that way.

I told the kids, don't take until you are 46 to "unfriend" those people in your life.  YOU ARE WORTH BETTER.  I assured them that if they know the feelings I'm talking about, then they need to remember that I, and the other adults in the building, are there for them.  We will listen, we will help.

If I can help kids have good self-esteem, something I have never really had, I will be happy.  I can get across the idea to students that YOU MATTER and You deserve to be treated well.  Don't wait until you're 46 to decide to stand up for yourself.

So, I'm 16 again today.  Trying hard to get back to 46, but having a tough day as my brain floods me with memories.  Tomorrow, I will be 46 and I will decide I am worth it.

Stuck.

So the last time I posted was September and I was ecstatic - I had FINALLY gotten to overweight instead of obese.

Ha - that lasted about a week - then I was back to where I've been since last March.  UGH.

I've used this blog too often as just a - yay, I'm doing great.  A way to cheer for myself.  Yes, I've talked about the bad things, the mental issues, the body image issues, the food issues...but generally and over all, I've used it to help me feel good about myself and what I am doing.

I guess I haven't felt too good about myself since last March.  I've been completely stuck.  Yep, since last March I've been the same weight.  It doesn't seem to matter what I do, I just stay where I am...stuck

I guess I have spent too much time feeling sorry for myself.  I often feel like I've failed.  I follow a few weight-loss surgery support groups and I see people who started exactly where I was and had surgery after I did... and they got much further than I have.

I know, I know - never compare yourself to others, we are all on our own journey.  I get that.  But seriously - an entire year and I have not made any advances.  SO, SO angry with myself.  I think that's the big thing.  My self anger.

I find that I have reverted in my brain to old days of not believing I can achieve what I want.  I self-defeat myself.  I know exercising is good for me - but when I do, I still don't lose weight.  I was being very good about exercising regularly - but still, no change.  So - why exercise?

I'm supposed to eat very few carbs - but if I eat few carbs or enjoy carbs - I stay the same.

Am I somehow stopping myself from losing more?  I wish I knew.  I don't want to be a failure, I don't want to feel like I've failed.  But for some reason - I'm stuck.

Is it in my brain - am I self-sabotaging?  How do I stop this?

Daily questions and worries.  How do I stop this?

Overweight....FINALLY!

I knew that it had been awhile since I posted...I did not realize it had been nearly 5 months.

Many times over the last 5 months I have started a blog post in my head.  Topics ranging from having a 7 month stall, feeling content with my new life, frustration that I have failed since I am still obese, how I still find no enjoyment in exercising....the list goes on.

This summer I actually tried running.  It was short lived.  I would do a jog/walk switch off.  Walking typically more than jogging, but getting my heart rate up there.  First day out...I was attacked by 2 dogs who live two doors away from my parents.  Yep, 2 black labs tackled me.  The owners did not even apologize, simply told me the dogs were very protective of their lawn.  I ran in the road by their house from then on.

The running was very short lived...but I did keep up walking for quite a bit.   I was even getting up early before leaving town for trips to be sure to walk.  Well ..that went by the wayside as well.

I dropped the gym this summer for a couple of reasons.  1) we were gone so much it did not make sense to pay and never be in town to even go to he gym.  2) it was summer, I can walk outside and enjoy being outside instead of stuck in a gym on a machine.

Well...I joined up again come August because I was getting pretty lax on exercising.  The problem...now I was paying someone and still not going.  I thought now that school was starting we would be back to a more normal routine and that would include going to the gym.  Ha...how wrong I was.  Between work, my son's drumming and my daughter's cross country and marching band competitions, we are never home.  I am writing this while in the car on our way to a drumming performance.  (So if I have weird spelling or words...blame it on fat thumbs and smart phone auto correct.)

So...we dropped the gym again here at the end of September.  We do have the ability to use the school's weight room and work out machines. ..we just have to find the time and energy (and motivation) to go.  We shall see how this goes.

Regardless of this lack of exercising...something has seemed to be clicking with my body this past month or so.  I started the summer weighing anywhere from 195-197.  It fluctuated but I stayed in that range.  Then, all of a sudden at the end of August I dropped to 192.  Then immediately jumped back up to 194.  I wasn't sure what happened, but I wasn't going to complain.

The last month I have stayed under 195 and was gradually dropping a half a pound here, a half a pound there.  Yesterday I stepped on the scale and was 189.4!  OMG. ..Under 190?  I truly do not remember when I weighed that little...for sure high school which was 27 years ago.  But I remember weighing 200 in college so not sure when in high school.

I figured it was a fluke and today I would be back up over 190.  Nope...I was 189.0 today.  So I decided to put it into my BMI calculator since I knew it would be getting close to being below 30.  I thought my "magic number" was 187...so I wasn't too excited.

Holy crap...189 puts me below a BMI of 30...below 30 is OVERWEIGHT instead of obese.  I even used two different BMI calculators because I was sure it could not be right.  But it is...After over 27 years of being obese...I AM OVERWEIGHT!

I have giggled and joked that my goal was to be overweight.  People chuckled when I said..."I just want to be overweight, can I please be overweight?!"  They knew what I meant and why I said that but it still made them chuckle.

You know how you set a goal, even an obtainable goal, but you still doubt you can actually attain it?   That was me and the goal of being overweight.  Yes, I truly wanted it,  but it has been a dream and so far out of reach for so many years, I guess I doubted it could ever really happen.

Honestly, that is probably what has held me in my stall for so long...the disbelief that I truly could reach that goal.  I am so used to not being where I want to be weight wise, I did not believe I could truly do it.  I was careful about what I ate,  I was going to the gym, I was doing everything "right" but I still stayed at 195-197 and obese.

When school started this August I kind of decided...okay, this is who I am and what I am going to be.  I would love to be less, but I am so much better than I was even a year ago, and my health is so much better that I was going to be content with staying 195-197.

I am still not sure what has changed other than my mind set.  I am not going to the gym and I stopped tracking my food since it did not seem to matter.  I even started allowing myself more carbs than my program's plan allows.  Why?  Because for some reason my new tummy rejects a lot of the proteins, but accepts the carbs.  I was sick of always feeling Bleh forcing the proteins in because that is what I am supposed to do.   I wanted to enjoy what I ate.

In my head it makes little sense that these actions have allowed me to start losing weight again...but it has.  I have dropped 6 pounds in the last month.   And as of today I am officially overweight.  I am more than ecstatic.  I am in disbelief, I am thrilled.  I am revitalized.  I have renewed faith in myself.  I am listening to my body and what it tells me and trusting it.  I HOPE that works...we shall see.

But for now, I am rejoicing in the fact that for at least today. ..I AM OVERWEIGHT NOT OBESE!!!

ONE YEAR

One year ago tonight I was in a motel in Iowa City preparing for bed.  Having something to eat, probably, and some water ... all before midnight - the magical cut off time for food and drink when having surgery the next day.

I honestly do not recall being nervous.  Maybe if we went back in time and could look, I was, but my memory is not of nerves - just excitement.

Sometimes I wonder if I was odd that I was not nervous.  I belong to a few support groups on-line for people who have had weight loss surgery and often I will read about someone who is scheduling their surgery or their surgery is in a few days or tomorrow and they are saying they are nervous and wondering if they are doing the right thing.

I truly know that once I made this decision, I have never looked back.  I never second guessed myself or wondered if I was doing the right thing.

Several years ago (like 11) I knew someone who had the surgery and had many complications.  She had been hospitalized for much of the 3 months following surgery, lost nearly all of her hair with the rapid weight loss, and basically just looked sickly.  It scared me away from the idea of surgery.

Well, Labor Day weekend of 2012 was a turning point for me - and one from which I have never looked back!  I probably need to thank my brother-in-law and his wife for the site they chose for their wedding as that played a huge role in my turning point.

They got married at Lutsen up on Lake Superior.  Beautiful site for a wedding.  They got married down near the beach...we all stayed in condos up a HUGE freaking flight of stairs.  Those stairs were my sign #1 that it was time.  I was humiliated at how out of breath I was just trying to go up those stairs.  Others were going up at the same time, others who were older than me by a good 20 years in some cases.  They went up and then went over and started doing whatever.  I stopped part way up, was out of breath, my lungs burned, I could not breathe.  Mike and I took the long way back to the condo once we reached the top of the stairs...why?  So I could attempt to catch my breath and not humiliate myself more.

That sign #1 - did not turn into a positive until much later.  At that point it was simply humiliation, pure and simple.  I remember that when we got back to the condo, my mother-in-law and daughter were working on the groom's dinner food.  She asked me why I wasn't helping my daughter and her.  I, who was still trying to catch my breath and not humiliate myself, lied and told her that I had hurt my ankle on the stairs.  This ankle is one that I broke in 2003 and does often bother me - but it was not bothering me that day.  But it was a quick excuse to attempt to cover up my inability to breathe.

Sign #2 came later that evening during the groom's dinner.  Someone I had not seen in about 5 years showed up and I did not recognize her.  18 months earlier she had had Gastric Bypass Surgery (RNY).  I finally got the guts to talk to her about it and her only regret was that she hadn't done it years earlier.

I guess those 2 signs were all I needed to take the plunge.  I got on-line that weekend and requested an appointment with the chief of bariatric surgery at the University of Iowa.

I guess that sign #3 was how quickly I was able to get in to see the doctor and start my journey.  Within 6 weeks of taking the plunge and requesting an appointment, I was in their office starting my journey toward surgery.  Now 6 weeks may seem like a long time - but getting an appointment at the University of Iowa is not always a quick and/or easy thing to do.  Often they are a good 4-6 months out in scheduling things.  So to me, that was sign #3 that this was what I was supposed to be doing.

Over the next 7 months, I can say that I got frustrated and was hungry - but I was never deterred from my path.  In fact, that made me MORE determined.  I remember a friend suggesting that since I was being successful in my 7 months and losing weight, maybe I wouldn't need the surgery after all.  I know she was trying to be positive and helpful, but it made me laugh inside because I felt anything but successful.  It took me 7 months to lose 30 pounds and I was starving the whole stinking time.  I mean really hungry.  It wasn't like my stomach shrunk and I got used to eating less.  I was hungry every minute of every day.  But, I didn't give in and eat junk.  Yes, at times I actually ate a full meal so I would feel satisfied, just for a little while.  But that was rare.  Typically I stuck to my eating plan.  I was determined that if I was going to do this surgery, I was going to be successful.

I look back and I am amazed.  I seriously never wavered on my decision.  It's like once I made that on-line request for an appointment I was on a mission and nothing was going to stop me.

I had some people question my decision - in fact try to tell me I was doing the wrong thing.  Tell me about people who died when they had the surgery.  Telling me about people who had the surgery and regained all the weight.  That did not scare me or change my mind.  It annoyed me and even angered me that they had that little faith in me.  One person went so far as to scold me when I had a finger full of frosting from a cake.  Yes, ONE finger tip worth of frosting from a cake.  While that person stood there and ate like 2 pieces of cake and later had a couple more.  That person told me that if I was going to have this surgery and expect it to work I was going to have to stop doing that or I would fail.

That did not make me question my decision, but it made me question why that person had so little faith in me.  My amazing husband did what I am simply not strong enough to do, and told that person how much they hurt me by saying that to me.  That person has never bothered to apologize to me, but has never said another word about my eating.

But I still did not waver.  I KNEW that what I was doing was what I had to do for my health and well being.  I was taking my life back and I was not letting anything stop me.

Through the past year I have also never questioned my decision or wished I had not done the surgery.  Are there times that are rough, yes.  Having food be fine one day and make me sick the next is not fun.  But it doesn't happen that often.  And if I can figure out what does it - I don't eat it any more.

I have become rather food apathetic.  Meaning, I really don't care if I eat.  I'm rarely hungry and when I am, nothing sounds appealing.  Going out to eat is no longer something I look forward to - it's more like, "hmmm, if we go out, what will I eat?"  But to me, that is a small price to pay for my health and getting my life back and being in control of my life and well being.

A year ago tonight I would never, ever have dreamed that I would be sitting here writing this post in a size 16 jeans (not a 16W, a normal person size 16 bought at Kohl's) and a MEDIUM shirt.  Yes, that's smaller than large!  LOL  I was at a 30W pant and a 4X shirt when I started this journey in September of 2012.  The change in sizes of my clothing is overwhelming to me at times.  It almost makes me cry in the store when something from the "normal" sizes actually fits me.  As I sit here thinking about it, I cry.

Have I reached my goal?  Not yet.  Notice I am not saying No, I am saying NOT YET.  This morning I weighed 196.4 - that is still obese on the BMI scale.  I truly want to just be overweight.  I would LOVE to be "normal" but that is 40 pounds away.  If I set that goal right now - it will overwhelm me.  So I set smaller goals.  And my current goal is to hit 187 because that puts my BMI into the "overweight" category instead of obese.

Thursday I have my 1 year appointment at the surgeon's office.  I am hoping they remember the goal they set for me of 200 pounds.  And I PRAY that their scale isn't too much different from mine.  I may not eat all mroning before my appointment just to make sure that the normal couple of pounds you add during the day from eating and drinking aren't there for my step onto that scale.  Not because it really matters, because I know what my scale at home says.  But I am a pleaser - I want to please people, I want them to see I did what they set before me.  So I want THEIR scale to show that I made their goal.  So cross your fingers!

If I have one piece of advice to someone undertaking this journey - it's not food, diet, exercise, surgery related.  It's something simpler than that.  TAKE PICTURES of yourself.  Even though you do not like what you look like - take pictures from all angles.  AND, take measurments of your thighs, upper arms, hips, waist, bust, chest, neck.  Do it at your highest weight.  Then do it right before surgery.  Then do it monthly after that.

I SO wish I had pics like that of me from before surgery.  I wish I had measurements from before surgery.  Why?  The hardest part of the whole journey for me is wrapping my head around what I look like now.  I still see the 327 pound girl when I look in the mirror.  I need the pictures to help me truly see what I look like now.  To see how much healthier I look.  To see "the Inner Skinny Me" that is no longer inner!

I don't have the pics I wish - but for you here, I have a picture of the first day of school in 2012 (that was about a week before the wedding I mention).  Then I have a picture from shortly before my surgery.  Then I have 4 pictures that I just went and made my husband take right now!

August 2012 - first day of school.

March 2013 - down about 20 pounds from highest weight - about 6 weeks before surgery.

May 6, 2014 - 1 year after surgery

NEVER would I have dreamed I would post a picture of my backside!  But darn it, I'm rather proud!  And being a choir director - that IS the side the audience always gets to see - so I am glad I have made it a nicer sight to look at!  LOL

Do I have further to go - absolutely.  If I can make it work in my future, I would LOVE to have plastic surgery done to remove the excess skin from my tummy.  That "might" get covered by insurance.  I would also love to do a breast lift - they simply are NOT what they used to be!  LOL - and that too I may be able to get covered because of back/shoulder pain due to the weight.  In my dream world I would get rid of my "bat wings", otherwise known as the arm flab that hangs down on my upper arms.  And I would love a thigh lift from all the sagging skin there.  Those two, however, are almost never covered by insurance - so they are a pipe dream!  But a girl can dream.

In the mean time - I go to the gym and work on toning and firming and trying to tighten up as much of it as I can that way.

As I look at the pictures above - I cry.  I am proud of what I have accomplished in the last 19 months.  I am proud that I have never stopped working toward my goal and never given up on myself.  I have bad days, I don't eat what I am supposed to eat all the time - I sometimes eat things I shouldn't eat.  But I don't punish myself for those days.  I move forward and start fresh each day telling myself I can do this and it is worth it.

I LOVE the new outer me.  I am PROUD of the new outer me.  I am THRILLED that the outer me now matches more closely the inner me.

I have loved the last year and can't wait for the next year to see what I can accomplish with this wonderful tool I received a year ago.

Milestones, Milestones

So, last Thursday, March 27, 2014 is one of my favorite days.  Why?!  Well, by 11:30 that morning I had made THREE major milestones.

Milestone #1:
I made it to what the weight loss community calls "onederland" - in otherwords - I no longer weigh over 200 pounds.  My scale that morning said 199.8.  Yes, barely onederland, but onederland all the same.

This was my 2nd post surgery goal, so I am thrilled.  I am moving on to my 3rd post surgery goal which is to be "overweight" instead of obese - that means getting to 187 pounds.  So, I have updated my marble jars so that I can "see" my next goal.  And as of this morning - I was 197.8 so life is good!


Milestone #2:
I bought my first pair of pants with NO W after the number.  In other words, normal old pants, not plus sized or women's sized pants.

At first I was a little bummed by the number, but hey, it's progress.  Why was I bugged?  Well, my jeans that fit right now are a 14W.  I tried on some capris in a 14W and they were too big.  So I asked the clerk - NOW WHAT?  Luckily, Dress Barn is a double sided store - meaning it has "normal" sized clothes and plus sized clothes.

The clerk said, "Well, we get a 16 from the other side."  My first reaction was ...16?!  But then I realized - well, the cut is different,e tc, etc.

And, the 16 fit.  It is snug, not tight, on the thighs and hips, but gapping at the waist.  I guess I am now resigned to wearing belts all the time because I am a hippy and thighy (nice, made up word) person.  And to fit my lovely hips, thighs, and extra skin on my lower tummy, the waist is going to be to large.  So, belts it is!


Milestone #3:
I bought a shirt in a size MEDIUM.  Holy shit, medium.  My mind has been blown lately anyway realizing that my shirts are now a size Large.  That is just unfathomable to me.  But to need to buy a MEDIUM?  I almost started crying right there in the store.

It was kind of funny.  I saw the shirt on the wall and thought it was cute, I grabbed a large.  When I put it on and was looking in the mirror, it just was wrong.  I decided it was the shirt just didn't look good on me.  Well, about 5 minutes later it occurred to me that what I hadn't liked is how it hung on my sides.  So, I decided to take a change and grabbed a medium.  I figured it was a silly thing to do, but what the heck.

I was blown away when it fit.


Since Thursday, life just keeps making me happy.  I was telling my mother-in-law how hard it is for me to look in the mirror because I still see the 327 pound fat girl when I look.  I know in my head I am not that person any more, but since I have changed gradually and I have been seeing myself the whole time - I seriously do not see the difference unless I compare pictures.

My MIL's response, "Well you need to see it because it's there."  or something to that extent.  Her point being - I'm not the 327 pound girl any more and I need to see that when I look in the mirror.

THEN, my daughter wanted to go in to Vanity to try on some clothes.  I am still looking for some jean capris for this spring so I thought - what the heck, why not try?

OMG - they fit me - and not even the largest size in the store!  The problem - evidently people who shop at Vanity like to have their pants nearly showing their butt and have to pull them up all the time.  LOL
I could NOT buy them - they were just way too low cut for me...I'm an old lady, now some young one, I like the higher riding pants, please.

But the real point - I could shop in the SAME STORE as my 14 year old daughter.  Again, mind blown.

So life is going pretty darn well as I approach my 11 months since surgery date.  I would LOVE, LOVE, LOVE it if I could be to goal #3 (187 pounds) and not be obese any longer when I go for my 1 year post surgery appointment in May.  THAT would make my day.  So, I have a little over a month to get there and 10.8 pounds to lose.

10 Month Surgiversary

This past Friday marked 10 months since my Gastric Bypass (RNY) surgery.

They have been 10 amazing months.  Amazing for many reasons:  good and bad.

I'll start with the bad - because I don't want to dwell on them.

• still, 10 months out, I don't always know what food will sit well and what food will make me sick.  It's kind of a "crap shoot".  The unfortunate part is that one day a food can be great and the next time I eat it, it makes me sick.  I would worry, but the support sites I belong to on-line have shown me that I am not alone in this.
• Food apathy.  NEVER would I have guessed that I would go from being a food addict to being food apathetic.  But seriously - much of the time I have to remind myself to eat.  And when I am hungry, nothing ever sounds good.  I used to get excited about going out to eat - I still enjoy going out but the eating part, I really could not care less.  Eating has become something I MUST do, something my body needs, so I do it...but food no longer is something I look forward to.  
• Because of the food apathy I have learned that I need to find something that works, something I like to eat, and eat it all the time.  yes, I tend to eat the same thing every single day.  BORING.  But, it stays down, I stay feeling good.
• Protein - who knew it would be so difficult to get all the protein in that I am supposed to have each day.  Especially when nothing ever sounds good.  My dietitian really stresses and pushes EATING the protein, not using protein bars or protein shakes.  Well - if I don't do a protein shake, I simply do not get enough protein in.  
• Carbs - OMG - I still crave carbs and that stinks.  Yes, although I am food apathetic, there is still that urge to munch at times.  I work really hard to not munch and mindlessly eat.  But when I do allow a snack or munch - my body says "give me carbs" - bad, bad bad.  This did not really start until December and since then I am trying really hard to break the carb cycle and get them OUT.
• Stalls - Losing weight the first few months was easy..,.it seemed to just melt off.  It is MUCH slower now...MUCH.  But it is still slowly coming off.  I need to remember it is coming off much more than it was a year ago.  So - I keep plugging away.

Honestly - I put these in the "bad" category - but they really are not bad.  They are a bother, a pain, an obstacle, but really are not problems or complications.  I have been truly fortunate.  I had ZERO complications from my surgery.  I have had no complications from the surgery over the last 10 months.  As far as the surgery goes - I have been a dream.  The "bad" things are more of me adjusting to the new life I have.

So, on to the good:

• Health - wow...when I really think about this, it amazes me.  Before surgery I had high blood pressure, gastric reflux, sleep apnea, joint pain, and holy heck stairs were hell on me.  Since surgery...Blood Pressure meds gone since 1 week after surgery, reflux meds gone 1 month after surgery.  Sleep Apnea - I had to stop using the machine toward the end of summer because it actually made me hurt.  In January I finally had a new sleep study and it shows that I no longer need the CPap machine.  Joints - other than periodic pains from exercising and such - they are virtually gone.  Stairs - well, I actually choose to take them sometimes when I have the option of stairs vs. elevator.  Why not!
• Stairs - just a side note.  Last week our surgery support group met and our speaker was an orthopedic surgeon.  He was talking about obesity and the joints, mostly knees.  He told us a figure that I had not heard before...He said when we go up stairs - we are putting 5 times our body weigh on our knees, going down stairs it is 7 times.  So - I have lost 125 pounds, that means when I go down stairs I am putting 875 fewer pounds of weight/pressure on my knees with each step.  875 pounds.  That is completely unreal to me.  I looked at the doctor and said, "NO WONDER stairs were hell!"
• Self Image - this may sound petty but I feel so much better about myself.  I look in the mirror and I am finally able to see that I have lost 125 pounds.  It has taken me most of these 10 months to get to this point.  For most of the last 10 months I looked in the mirror and still saw the 327 pound fat girl.  I still struggle with this, but I am FINALLY seeing the new me (at least a little) when I look in the mirror.  INfact, I have kind of become a mirror aholic!  LOL  I actually enjoy looking in the mirror now.
• Exercise - I can't say I enjoy it necessarily, but I don't hate it and THAT is progress.  I feel guilty when I do not get to the gym.  I am learning to push myself and strive to do more/be better each time I am there.
• Will Power - I finally have some of this when it comes to food and sweets.  I have learned to take a bit or two of a dessert instead of 1-2 pieces of dessert.  I can eat a few bites of Mike's dessert and be satisfied.  There have been 4 boxes of Girl Scout cookies in my house for a few weeks - they seriously do not even tempt me.  THAT is unreal to me.  The food apathy helps in that way - so even though I listed it as a bad - I try to see the good parts of it and use it to help me.
• Energy - People have always said I have lots of energy.  Often that was because I made sure to have that energy when I was in public - privately I could have none.  Well now - it's not something I have to try to do, something I have to think about - I just seriously have more energy all the time.  Infact, I feel old, I am waking up earlier and going to bed earlier - that's what OLD people do.  I wake up sometimes at 3:00am and have to read or soemthing for an hour before I can go back to sleep.  And when I wake up in the morning I don't feel horrible, I can still get up!
• Horizontal Stripes - this is odd, for my whole life I have completely stayed away from clothing with horizontal stripes - they accentuate your width - and I wanted to hide my width.  Now - they are my favorite thing to wear.  I have many shirts with black and white horizontal stripes, some with other colors, but most of them are black and white. (don't worry, they are all different!)  But I love the way I look in them now.  It accentuates my smaller waist.  They show off that I have a figure, I have curves...and the curves are in the right places!!

Way back last May I had my pre-op appointment with the surgeon and the PA.  At that meeting the PA set a 1 year goal for me - the weight he wanted me to achieve by May 7, 2014.  I am thrilled to say that at the 10 month point, I am only 2 pounds away from that doctor set goal.  MY goal, however is 15 pounds away.  The doctor set my goal to be a BMI of 30.  Which is down 22 from where I started with a BMI of 52.  As much as that thrills me....a BMI of 30 is still considered obese.  I have not come this far to still be obese.

So, I set my goal to be overweight.  It's kind of funny when you say to someone, "The goal I am striving for is to finally be overweight!"  It makes people look at you a little oddly.  But I started with such a high BMI and was morbidly obese.  At least now I am simply obese, no more morbidly before it.  But that just is not good enough for me.  I want to at least be overweight!  And I know that if I keep working at this and doing what I need to do - I can achieve that goal.  And then, if I really, really work hard - I can maybe...MAYBE get to "normal".  But I have decided that I have to agree to be happy with getting to overweight and maintaining that.  Sure, I might be able to push really hard and get to "normal" but would I be able to maintain that?  I do NOT want to get down and then start re-gaining the weight - that can just be a train wreck.

I need to keep things real, I need to remember where I came from and all that I have achieved in the past 10 months.  I was given a gift... a tool to use to help me finally find the Molly that was hidden inside, "theinnerskinnyme"!  She was really in there and I am finding her.  Doing this surgery and adjusting to my new lifestyle has been FAR from easy and will remain FAR from easy for the rest of my life.  But I would not change it for the world.  Other than picking my amazing husband, deciding to have this surgery is the best decision I have ever made for myself.  I am thankful every single day for the tool I have to help me do this. 

I am excited to see what the next 10 months bring!