In my first class today a student walked in and said to me, "Did you ever notice that 9/11 is the number we call for an emergency? 911?
I told her that yes, that had occurred to me and that in the past 11 years I had often wondered if they had planned it for that day because of the significance 911 already had and that it meant emergency. I found it interesting that she should ask that because I truly have wondered that often and have never heard anyone else voice that.
What followed was a 10 minute discussion with the students about things in your life that happen and you can say, "Where were you when..."
The students I had today have never known a pre 9/11 America. They have grown up with Osama Bin Laden as a name they have always known. I hadn't thought if it that way until today. In their life, terrorism on American soil has always been a reality, where to most of us it was a shock and something I think we never thought would happen. We were used to terrorism happening elsewhere, but not here in America to us.
So in this discussion with the students they were bringing up things like, "I'll always know where I was when I broke my arm." This made me giggle. I tried to explain that what I mean by a "Where were you when" event, I mean that everyone in the city, state or country would be able to answer the same question. They looked at me with confusion. I continued with the examples that I have had in my life.
I told them that when I was in 10th grade the Challenger exploded. Even the Para Educator in the room didn't know what that was. Wow, that made me feel old. I explained that the Challenger was one of the space shuttles. Well, NASA doesn't have a shuttle program any more, and these kids are only 10-11 years old, so to them,, that's all old news and they know nothing about it.
I said that I remember when the Berlin wall came down. Again, complete blank faces. Tried to explain what the Berlin wall was and blockade. They thought it was like the Great Wall of China. I attempted to explain the difference, but the treat of Communism and that idea is so far beyond their experiences, they just didn't get it.
A few at least knew who JFK was when I said that my parents remember where they were when JFK was shot.
It was enlightening to be seeing 9/11 through the eyes of these young students. To us, we all remember, quite vividly probably, where we were when we heard about 9/11 and when the towers came down. We can remember being glued to the TV and watching the same scene played over and over again. We can remember hearing the phone calls that loved one received being played over and over again on the news. We can see those planes in the towers, the smoke rising from the buildings. We can see the image of the buildings crumbling to the ground.
To our students, these are a part of history, something they may study at some point, but nothing to really concern themselves with at this point. It really has no emotional pull on them, and in some ways it confuses them why it has such a large pull on the adults around them. Kind of like when we were kids and read about WWII or JFK being shot or Watergate. We are old enough now that even if we didn't live these events, we know enough about them that they do have an emotional pull now. But as kids, learning about them, they were just history, things that happened in the past and we had to learn about. Yes, we knew it had an effect on our lives, but there was no emotional pull, no emotional tie to these events, so it was just facts and information.
I had one student tell me, "I watched the towers fall." This made me laugh since he just turned 11. Yes, he maybe did watch the towers fall, but he was in infant! But he felt it was significant because his mother had told him so many times that he had watched the towers fall on TV. He was trying to connect himself to the emotion he saw the adults having to being tied to the event. He wanted to be a part of what we were feeling and experiencing.
I remember where I was on 9/11. I worked at WDC at the time. I was mom to Maggie who was 19 months old. I was working part time in the Deer Creek building teaching 5th and 6th graders. Since I was part time, I didn't have to be to work until about 9:45 or so. I had seen the first tower collapse while watching TV at home before I left. While driving to work, the 2nd tower collapsed. I remember checking the TV in the teacher's lounge and seeing that the 2nd tower had fallen while I was en route to work.
It was hard to go to class. What do you say, what don't you say? I remember that the staff had discussed that we needed to say something because we had students who had come to school late and knew about it and were talking about it and we didn't want the rest of the students being scared. We confirmed that the planes had hit the towers and the towers had collapsed and that other than that, we really didn't know any more for certain. We also made sure to affirm that we were safe in our school and nothing was going to happen there.
I remember coming home that night and Mike saying that in his High School in Battle Lake, they all had the TV's on. He said classes pretty much ceased for that day and class was watching the ongoing coverage. (Reminded me of the day the Challenger exploded. I remember my next door neighbor finding out about the Challenger and he got up and left geometry to go to the Library where it was on the TV. He was a huge space program fan and he "needed" to be watching the coverage.)
The thing that I think I remember most about that day was the remarkable footage of the heroism occurring in NYC. People helping others, people not caring who the others were, what their beliefs were, just helping because help was needed. I saw on facebook tonight someone had posted a picture of Congress on the steps of the capitol singing "God Bless America." In the caption it said, there were no Democrats or Republicans that day, just Americans.
Wouldn't it be nice if everyday we could forget our differences and focus on our similarities!
Tuesday, September 11, 2012
Monday, September 10, 2012
The Ball is Rolling
I heard from the Bariatric Surgery department today. I wasn't even thinking about it when I got the phone call. I didn't recognize the number calling and I couldn't get to it right away, so I let it go to voice mail. No biggy, probably a wrong number or a telemarketer anyway. At lunch time I checked my messages and low and behold, it was from the Obesity Surgery nurse to schedule an appointment.
I immediately called her back. Unfortunately, she was also probably at lunch and I had to leave a message for her! I was sure to tell her when I was in class and when I would be available to take a call, I didn't want to miss her call again.
Sure enough, 10 minutes after my last class had left, she called. I was talking with my Principal and I had to excuse myself to take the call. I made sure to go and explain to him when I got off the phone.
It was a rather quick phone call, my appointment is October 11. She pointed out it's a fun date... 10/11/12!! But get this, it is a 4-5 HOUR appointment. WHAT in the world will we do for 4-5 hours, I have no clue. I meet with the head of the bariatric surgery department, that makes me feel good. One of the things that makes me nervous sometimes is the fact that the University of Iowa is a teaching hospital. Don't get me wrong, I think teaching hospitals are awesome, they tend to be rather on the edge of new things and leading the way in studies. But this is my future, I want someone experienced, not a 1st year resident, doing my surgery. So meeting with the head of the department makes me feel confident.
Talking to the nurse she said that my insurance will likely require a 6 month diet plan with the dietitian before the surgery. I know this kind of thing is standard. The dietitian is to help the patient start reducing their diet to be ready for the post-surgery diet. Also to start an exercise regimen so that the patient is ready for that in the post -surgery mode as well.
Okay - not a surprise, but kind of a worry. Why? Because it leaves me room to fail again. I have done dieting with a dietitian. I have worked hard and always failed. Now I feel like my entire future is on the line. If I fail this time will they kick me out of the program and let me live in my fatness?
It is becoming more real now, I have a date for an appointment. With that realness comes my nerves. I love food. (Obviously I love food a bit too much!) But I love the flavors, the textures, etc. My problem is that I never seem full, I always feel hungry. I work hard to stop eating, to eat healthily (ok, not always), but when your stomach is constantly telling you it is hungry...
Ok, I know some would say that is a lack of will power. My problem is, when I have had the will power and worked my butt off to lose weight and conquer this, it either won't go down no matter how hard I try, or it comes back with extra pounds with it. For years I weighed the same weight. It didn't matter if I ate crap or healthily, the weight stayed steady. When I really tried a concentrated effort to be healthy, exercise and eat right, it worked for a little while and then came back plus more. Since then it just keeps slowly creeping upwards.
So part of me is afraid that I will fail. And part of me is afraid that I will succeed a little and then the insurance company will decide not to cover the surgery and I'll be stuck yet again.
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH - okay, sorry for screaming. But I feel like it's a catch 22, damned if I do and damned if I don't. However, I know that at this October 11 appointment, the answers to my questions will be given. And then I'm sure I'll have more questions!
One of the things that my friend who had the surgery 18 months ago told me is that now she is never hungry. That feeling of always being hungry is gone. THAT will be so welcomed.
I know that this isn't going to be easy, I am prepared for that. I know that I am going to be changing some LONG standing habits, which also won't be easy. I know that I am going to be establishing some new habits that I will need to continue for the rest of my life if I intend for this to be successful. I know there are going to be times I question my decision, like when I have to take 30 minutes to drink 2-3 ounces of lunch. (that's like in the first few weeks following surgery) Giving up my Coke Zero - well, I should maybe start doing that now, one less thing to ditch later. But I know that I have the best support in the world living in my house. My husband is a wonderful and amazing man who is behind me 100% in this endeavor. I've already informed him that I will need him to start walking with me to keep me going. I won't make him eat the liquid diet, that would be cruel, but is certainly will affect what we buy for groceries. He is totally on board with this and he is the most supportive and fabulous person. He will be by my side 100% of the time, to help me through the hard spots so I can succeed.
You know what, a moment ago I said I should give up my Coke Zero now... I am going to do that. I am putting this out there right now, blogging this will hold me responsible and accountable for this. I am going to finish the Coke Zero in my house now and then, I am done. I will slowly wean myself off of my 2 coke a day habit. I have already started working very hard to drink much more water. I have like 36 cans and 16 bottles left in my house and classroom, when they are gone, water it is. I CAN do this. And now that I've told you, I better follow through. And yes, Mike, you can hold me to this!
So there, my goal by the October 11th appointment is to be done with my carbonation and caffeine. To give up Coke Zero and drink water and lots of it. I have a goal to strive for in my wait for the next month for the first step of my journey.
The ball is rolling and the fat had better be prepared to get out of the way!
I immediately called her back. Unfortunately, she was also probably at lunch and I had to leave a message for her! I was sure to tell her when I was in class and when I would be available to take a call, I didn't want to miss her call again.
Sure enough, 10 minutes after my last class had left, she called. I was talking with my Principal and I had to excuse myself to take the call. I made sure to go and explain to him when I got off the phone.
It was a rather quick phone call, my appointment is October 11. She pointed out it's a fun date... 10/11/12!! But get this, it is a 4-5 HOUR appointment. WHAT in the world will we do for 4-5 hours, I have no clue. I meet with the head of the bariatric surgery department, that makes me feel good. One of the things that makes me nervous sometimes is the fact that the University of Iowa is a teaching hospital. Don't get me wrong, I think teaching hospitals are awesome, they tend to be rather on the edge of new things and leading the way in studies. But this is my future, I want someone experienced, not a 1st year resident, doing my surgery. So meeting with the head of the department makes me feel confident.
Talking to the nurse she said that my insurance will likely require a 6 month diet plan with the dietitian before the surgery. I know this kind of thing is standard. The dietitian is to help the patient start reducing their diet to be ready for the post-surgery diet. Also to start an exercise regimen so that the patient is ready for that in the post -surgery mode as well.
Okay - not a surprise, but kind of a worry. Why? Because it leaves me room to fail again. I have done dieting with a dietitian. I have worked hard and always failed. Now I feel like my entire future is on the line. If I fail this time will they kick me out of the program and let me live in my fatness?
It is becoming more real now, I have a date for an appointment. With that realness comes my nerves. I love food. (Obviously I love food a bit too much!) But I love the flavors, the textures, etc. My problem is that I never seem full, I always feel hungry. I work hard to stop eating, to eat healthily (ok, not always), but when your stomach is constantly telling you it is hungry...
Ok, I know some would say that is a lack of will power. My problem is, when I have had the will power and worked my butt off to lose weight and conquer this, it either won't go down no matter how hard I try, or it comes back with extra pounds with it. For years I weighed the same weight. It didn't matter if I ate crap or healthily, the weight stayed steady. When I really tried a concentrated effort to be healthy, exercise and eat right, it worked for a little while and then came back plus more. Since then it just keeps slowly creeping upwards.
So part of me is afraid that I will fail. And part of me is afraid that I will succeed a little and then the insurance company will decide not to cover the surgery and I'll be stuck yet again.
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH - okay, sorry for screaming. But I feel like it's a catch 22, damned if I do and damned if I don't. However, I know that at this October 11 appointment, the answers to my questions will be given. And then I'm sure I'll have more questions!
One of the things that my friend who had the surgery 18 months ago told me is that now she is never hungry. That feeling of always being hungry is gone. THAT will be so welcomed.
I know that this isn't going to be easy, I am prepared for that. I know that I am going to be changing some LONG standing habits, which also won't be easy. I know that I am going to be establishing some new habits that I will need to continue for the rest of my life if I intend for this to be successful. I know there are going to be times I question my decision, like when I have to take 30 minutes to drink 2-3 ounces of lunch. (that's like in the first few weeks following surgery) Giving up my Coke Zero - well, I should maybe start doing that now, one less thing to ditch later. But I know that I have the best support in the world living in my house. My husband is a wonderful and amazing man who is behind me 100% in this endeavor. I've already informed him that I will need him to start walking with me to keep me going. I won't make him eat the liquid diet, that would be cruel, but is certainly will affect what we buy for groceries. He is totally on board with this and he is the most supportive and fabulous person. He will be by my side 100% of the time, to help me through the hard spots so I can succeed.
You know what, a moment ago I said I should give up my Coke Zero now... I am going to do that. I am putting this out there right now, blogging this will hold me responsible and accountable for this. I am going to finish the Coke Zero in my house now and then, I am done. I will slowly wean myself off of my 2 coke a day habit. I have already started working very hard to drink much more water. I have like 36 cans and 16 bottles left in my house and classroom, when they are gone, water it is. I CAN do this. And now that I've told you, I better follow through. And yes, Mike, you can hold me to this!
So there, my goal by the October 11th appointment is to be done with my carbonation and caffeine. To give up Coke Zero and drink water and lots of it. I have a goal to strive for in my wait for the next month for the first step of my journey.
The ball is rolling and the fat had better be prepared to get out of the way!
Sunday, September 9, 2012
Rocks, Pebbles and Sand
For my first blogs I focused on how we treat others and how it affects them. Tonight my focus is a bit different. It is on my kids and how blessed Mike and I are.
Mike and I are blessed with 2 wonderful children. We had been married 8 years before Maggie came along. She was a complete and total surprise. We had been dealing with infertility for 6 years and had finally decided to stop the emotional roller coaster of fertility treatments and go the adoption route. We discovered that adoption is incredibly expensive. So we were saving for the first step in the process. We had 3/4 of the money for this step saved and had a plan for the last 1/4. Then, on June 1, 1999 we found out that I was pregnant. Yes, after 6 years of trying, struggling, we were pregnant and it was a shock. I went to the doctor to get a test knowing that it would be negative AGAIN. When the nurse, who was a friend of mine, came in with the test in hand, I started to bawl. Soon the nurse was crying as well. It was such an emotional day.
Three years later, Matthew was also a complete surprise. We knew Maggie was going to be an only child, our miracle baby. The 3 years in between the kids, we did nothing to stop another pregnancy because we knew it took 6 years to get Maggie, we knew we didn't need to worry. Then comes April 24, 2002 and I find out I am pregnant again. Wow, what a high that was! Since I had been diagnosed with Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome back when we were doing the fertility treatments, we knew that getting pregnant was going to extremely difficult if not impossible and here we were with a 2nd pregnancy.
By the time we had Maggie I was 31 and Mike was 30 and we had been married for 8 years. We had a lot of time to really get to know how to be together and have a LOT of conversations about how we wanted to raise our children. We also had many of friends who had children and we knew things we wanted to try to avoid, things we wanted to try to make sure we did, etc. Plus, we were both teachers and had seen many parenting styles and their effects in our students.
I'd like to say that 8 years of preparation made us perfect, but that would be a lie! Evidence of that lack of perfection would be doors slamming by an angry junior high aged daughter, my son jumping of a roof so he didn't get caught, a 3 year old daughter peeing in the middle of Wal-mart because she didn't get her way, and my son creating a facebook page for himself where he is a 61 year old African American male from Florida. Oh, and maybe I should mention the completely rational and sane and never overreacting responses of Mike and me! Ha ha ha. So no, we are FAR from perfect parents.
In my 12+ years of being a parent, I have grown and changed as a person in ways I never imagined. They have both taught me so much about myself and about relationships. There are times I think we have the stereo-typical household; a daddy's girl and a mama's boy. Matthew loves to snuggle with me and give me hugs and call me and talk. When he's hurting, I am the first person he comes to. He and I are a lot alike in the respect of our love languages. We are both definitely words of affirmation and touch. Maggie is not and never has been a snuggler, neither is her dad! She is a bookaholic, just like her dad. She is much more apt to tell dad what is going on at school or with her friends than she is to tell me.
Now on the other hand, Matthew doesn't want me to read to him at night, that's dad's job. When he has school work questions he asks dad, not me. Maggie may tell her dad what's going on, but if she needs ideas or suggestions on how to deal with a friend issue, she comes to me, and then I have to get caught up since it was her dad she told about it first! When she needs school help, she comes to me. When she wants to text and be silly, she texts dad. When she has questions about what needs to happen, she texts me. And Matthew loves his boy's days with dad and Maggie loves her girl's days with me. So we aren't totally one-sided in our relationships with the kids.
I sometimes wonder what we did to deserve such great kids. When Maggie transitioned into a toddler bed from her crib, it went smooth as silk. We think a HUGE thanks goes to Gail Johnson, our daycare provider, because the kids there were trained during nap time that you stayed in your napping place until you were told you could get up. At home, that carried over. Maggie did not get out of bed in the middle of the night, she didn't get up early and wake us up, she didn't get in and out of bed at nap time. Maggie went to bed, stayed in bed and got up when she was told she could. Now, she did sometimes get up, get a book or a toy and then get back into bed to read/play until we told her it was morning. We don't know how this happened. We never told her she couldn't get up, we never threatened to spank her if she got up, we just kissed her and put her to bed. Matthew wasn't quite as good as that, but he never was a get up a million times a night kid either. If they woke up in the night, both kids just put themselves back to sleep, they didn't come get us, they didn't cry. They would just roll over and go back to sleep.
Maggie is in 8th grade now. If any of you have daughters, you know how "wonderful" 8th grade is for girls and friendships and attitudes! (hear sarcasm in the word wonderful) Now I am NOT saying she doesn't have her moments, but generally speaking, she is pretty awesome. Yes, doors slam. However, she knows she doesn't want to do that too often because dad has told her that a door on her bedroom is a privilege, not a necessity. And she knows that he will follow through. Yes, she screams at us (and us back at her at times), but after a cool down period, she doesn't even need to be told that she should apologize, she comes to us and apologizes and we talk rationally. And likewise, we apologize to her if we were the ones yelling.
Matthew is a 4th grader and he is ALL boy. I mentioned jumping of the roof and making a facebook page. He has also ridden his bike over his own glasses, called 911 to be silly (4 times), and broken an arm by riding his bike and not watching where he was going. Like I said, all boy. Funny thing about Matthew, he is our diva, he is more emotional than Maggie ever was. He does more stomping away angry than she ever did at his age. Where she brushes things off quickly, he holds grudges. But overall, this is one caring little boy we have. He is so sensitive to the feeling of others. If he feels like his sister is hurting, he cries and tries to fix it for her.
Today, Mike and I went to Iowa City to do some shopping. When we left, the kids each had a "to do" list with 8 items each. Now I am not talking 7 small items. They had cleaning to do, toilets, sinks, empty garbage, and they had to practice piano for 30 minutes each. Of course they asked when we would be home, gauging when they would need to start and how much time they had to play video games or watch TV. But we had no doubt that when we got home their lists would be completed.
I was reminded a couple of days ago that I should not take this behavior for granted. A friend of mine, with children a couple years younger than mine, was talking on facebook about the struggle to get her 6th grader to do her homework and practice her instrument. She asked if she should let her daughter miss things and then pay the consequences or if she should quietly suggest, repeatedly, that she do her homework. I replied, "Not suggest, tell." Her husband replied that "tell" works even more poorly than suggest. I told them that in our house homework and practicing comes before TV, playing with friends, video games, etc. My friend replied that they too had similar expectations but it still didn't always work.
I guess I have taken my kids' behavior for granted. They aren't threatened, they don't fear, but they know that if they don't do what they have been asked/told to do, there will be consequences and that we WILL follow through. For example, we have a saying with Maggie, "Watch your tone or lose your phone." Meaning, if she is talking back or taking an attitude with us, we will take her phone for 24 hours. I think we have had to do that only 3 times and she has had a phone for 2.5 years now. With Matthew, it's losing video game time that has an effect. He lost it for a LONG time after the 61 year old facebook incident, but other than that, maybe only once or twice for short periods. They always get a reminder before a consequence comes into play, everyone needs a warning or reminder, that's only fair. But they know if they continue, we will follow through. But even though they know that, they don't feel angry toward us about it or resent us when it happens. They realize that their actions caused it, not us.
What is my point here tonight, I am not really sure. I would love to be able to say that Mike and I know all the answers to raising perfect kids. But that would need to go into a joke blog, not this one! But I think we are getting something right. We talk with our kids, we talk with them a lot. We answer their questions with as accurate of answers as we can. We don't sugar coat things to make it easy for them. We listen to them when they have questions.
You know, I think that is where this is going. Kids need us to guide them, they need us to be their moral compass, to help them learn the world. They need us to help them figure out how to interpret the actions of others around them. When they come to us with a problem, we listen first, we ask them how it makes them feel and we NEVER tell them their feelings are wrong. I think that is the biggest thing I can say has made them as self-confident as they are. We don't negate their feelings, whatever they are. We don't tell them they are over-reacting or what they are feeling is wrong. We don't try to justify what the other person said or did. If another child has hurt them, physically or emotionally, we tell them that they are right to be hurt, they are right to be mad and that other person was wrong in what they did. And then we go on to help them figure out how they can deal with it and not let it hurt them. Sometimes it means getting a tougher skin because you will never be able to change someone else. But we don't say it in a way that makes them feel like they are in the wrong. I should mention, that before we go on to help them deal with it, we ask them what THEY did that may have caused it. Did you say something, did you do something, did you deserve it and you just don't want to have to admit that you deserved it? I am not saying that we tell our kids they are always right, far from it. But we also do not always tell them that the other person was right. If the other person was in the wrong, we will say that. Just like if our child was in the wrong we will tell them they were the ones in the wrong.
Kids need us to help them learn how to cope with the emotions and the dealings with other people. How to deal with the put downs from others that inevitably will come. I grew up letting the name calling, teasing and bullying lower my self-esteem. I came to think I deserved to be treated that way.
I will never let my children think they deserve to be treated that way by another person. But I won't lie to them and say it will never happen. Kids can be cruel to other kids. It's a fact, not an opinion. We work hard to help our kids be prepared to deal with the emotions that come along with that. Our kids will come to us and tell us what happened. We talk it through and we figure out, together, how to make it better, or how to avoid the situation next time. Or, how to deal with it emotionally if it happens again. We can't change others, but we can change how we react to others. We can change our own attitudes and behaviors.
We have worked hard, and will continue to work hard to teach our kids that letting others control how you feel about yourself gets you nowhere.
There is a story I read once about a professor who took a large pickle jar and filled it up with rocks. He asked his class if the jar was full. They responded yes. Then he took a cup of pebbles and poured it into the jar, shook it around and allowed the pebbles to fill in the empty spots between the rocks. He asked again if NOW the jar was full. The students said that yes, now it was full. Then he took a cup of sand and poured it in until all the space was filled up and asked if now the jar was full. This time the students said yes, again. He related this to life. The rocks are the majorly important things in life, your family, your career. The pebbles were the lesser important things like your possessions, your friends. They were important, but they filled in the gaps between the essential things in your life. The sand, he said, was the inconsequential things that are in our lives, the stuff that will take over and fill in all the cracks and separate you from the important things. His message, don't let the sand fill your jar first leaving no room for the rocks. In other words, don't fill your life first with the little stuff and not leave room for that which is really important.
That sand is the teasing, the name calling, the bullying. We talk to our kids about this and remind them not to let the sand take over their lives. Fill your life with the rocks. Surround yourself with that which is essential to your happiness and well-being. Then give yourself some room to enjoy the pebbles, the extra things that are nice, but not essential. And work hard to give the sand as little room as possible, don't let the little stuff control your life.
Can we all help our children, or children in our lives if you don't have your own children, work to keep the sand out of their lives? Can we help them learn to love themselves for who they are and what they have, rather than allowing the sand to control how they feel about themselves. Can we respect them for their feeling and emotions and never negate what they are thinking and feeling. They may be small and young, but their feelings and emotions are huge and important. Can we treat them with the respect they deserve and help them learn to deal with the world they live in so that the world doesn't lessen how they feel about themselves.
Fill your lives with your rocks, enjoy your pebbles and keep the sand to a minimum.
Saturday, September 8, 2012
Jolly
Tuesday morning I mailed in the paperwork necessary for the obesity surgery department to determine if I am a candidate for surgery. Just mailing in the paperwork was freeing in a way I never believed possible.
I have tried SO many ways and times to lose weight and always fail. I do NOT like to fail. I decided about 15 years ago that I was done trying. Every time I tried and failed, my self-esteem sunk lower. My poor husband had to keep trying to pick me up from that and brush me off and make me feel like someone worth liking.
I don't know why I have always been an easy target for teasing and belittling and bullying. It would be one thing if people made fun of me for being loud and over bearing. Yes, I do know that I am loud, over bearing and bossy. Believe me, I know. Because of that, I have never made friends easily. I seem to drive people away from me when all I really want is to draw them in. I don't mean to be over bearing, I mean to be confident - but evidently I suck at doing that. I am loud, I can't tell you how many times my mother has told me to be quiet, I am too loud. So yes, I know that I am loud. I was voted "loudest girl" in my senior class. (still not sure if that was a good thing or not! LOL) However, I was also voted "most likely to become President." So maybe my over bearing tendencies and my tendency to be bossy wasn't always seen as a bad thing?!??
So, if people had made fun of me for those qualities I wouldn't have liked it, but I maybe could have understood. But no, I was made fun of for being fat. I was called names, I was teased, I was bullied. I can't tell you how many days I went home from school crying about things that happened during the day.
I, however, worked VERY hard to not show them they were getting me down. I was that "Jolly" fat person, always happy, always on top of the world. Even when I was dying inside.
I have had many people send me messages since I started blogging. People I knew growing up or people who have known me as an adult. A common theme is they never saw me as bothered by my weight, they always saw a strong, confident, happy person. So it never occurred to them that my weight bothered me.
Well, it worked I guess. I put up that wall to protect myself, if I could laugh at myself, if I could be "jolly" and happy and confident, no one would know that I was dying inside, no one would know just how low my self-esteem was/is. The unfortunate side of that, I built that wall so strong, I turned people away. I appeared...wait, still do...appear aloof, I appear like I don't care, I appear like I need no one. It's a defense mechanism, it's my way of protecting my heart. If I don't let anyone in, then no one can hurt me, right? WRONG, it makes for a very, very lonely person.
About 9 years ago something happened that made me look at life a little differently. I told you earlier that I was always told I need to brush things off, I was paranoid. Well, something happened and my mother-in-law was there to witness it. The next day she called to see if I was okay. Well, I had once again been told I was being paranoid and making too much of the situation. So when she called me to see if I was okay, I had to ask her why. She said because of what she had witnessed, she wanted to be sure I was okay. I seriously had to ask her, "You mean I didn't make it up? I wasn't overreacting and being paranoid?" I was 35 years old and for the first time I can remember, someone (other than my husband) was telling me that what I perceived WAS true. That I was NOT paranoid, I was NOT overreacting.
That was the most freeing moment ever. It gave me permission to have some belief in my own judgement of situations. Situations where in the past 35 years when I felt hurt or betrayed, I had been taught to believe I was overreacting. I mean seriously, if my MOTHER-IN-LAW says what she witnessed was horrible and I had a right to be hurt, I could believe it! (Love you, Mary!)
From then on, I have been more able to stand up for myself. It allowed me to accept myself for who I am and start to like myself. I am NOT saying that my self-esteem immediately jumped, but it started to creep up from the deeps.
So 5 years ago, I had a doctor tell me I had to lose weight. I told him that I had struggled, I had tried and failed so many times that I finally decided that I was being more damaging to myself doing that. I told him that I had decided to like myself for who I am. He honestly told me that I shouldn't be happy with what I was, I should want to lose weight. Of course, I put on the "jolly" appearance and let him speak to me that way. And I tried and tried to do what he wanted and tried to please him, to get him to be happy with what I was accomplishing. The end result - I am now 15 pounds heavier than I was when I started with that endeavor. So lucky me, I failed again.
Last weekend I saw my friend who had surgery 18 months ago. She would tell you that she had tried and failed many times too. This time, she succeeded and she feels great.
I should stress that my low self-esteem is NOT because I am fat. I like myself inside and out. My self-esteem has been battered years after years by inconsiderate people who don't think, just act. They don't consider what they are doing to another person. My self-esteem has sunk year after year from failing to be what others thought I needed to be. I am not pursuing surgery to raise my self-esteem, losing weight will not do that for me. That is something that for the last 9 years I have been working very hard to raise. Believe me, I still have a LONG way to go, my own demons to get past. But it has raised and I do more to protect myself from being hurt. But that wall I built is still there, strong and tall.
So my point tonight - people who are different from the "norm" pretend that it doesn't bother them when others belittle or make fun of them. I have heard people say, "Oh they don't care, they laughed." DUH - do you really think that someone is going to let you know that you are hurting them? I mean seriously, do these people really think that fat people don't care if someone laughs at them or calls them names or tells them they are to blame for being fat?! Do they seriously think skinny people like being called zipper and being called sick and anorexic? Do they think gay people like being called a fairy or queer or a dyke? Do they think people with learning disabilities like being called dumb or stupid? Or how about someone in a wheelchair? Do people think they like to be asked constantly why they are in the chair?
In most of these situations, these people (fat, skinny, gay, people with learning disabilities or physical disabilities) these people act like it doesn't bother them. Because for some reason, in our society it's okay for people to belittle and make fun, but it's not okay for people to stand up for themselves or defend themselves. When they do, they are called paranoid, overreacting, etc. And then the teasing gets worse too. Because when people tease and bully and get a reaction - a ha, they have won. So of course, we put up a front, we build our wall, we protect ourselves.
I said I wasn't pursuing surgery to raise my self-esteem. I am pursuing surgery because I want to be healthier and be there for my children and grandchildren. I have wanted to do this for many years but have been too scared to try, afraid to fail once again. My friend has convinced me that I can succeed and I can do this, and I believe her.
I'm not asking for your sympathy for myself or anyone else who is "different" than others. I am asking people to think before they act before they say something about another person. People may act like they don't care, that it's no big deal - but I am here to tell you that YES, THEY DO care and it is a big deal. If people would simply think first, our world would be such a better place.
So the next time you think someone is "jolly" and nothing will hurt them... please think twice. Don't help people build their walls higher and stronger, instead, be genuine and kind and think of their heart.
I have tried SO many ways and times to lose weight and always fail. I do NOT like to fail. I decided about 15 years ago that I was done trying. Every time I tried and failed, my self-esteem sunk lower. My poor husband had to keep trying to pick me up from that and brush me off and make me feel like someone worth liking.
I don't know why I have always been an easy target for teasing and belittling and bullying. It would be one thing if people made fun of me for being loud and over bearing. Yes, I do know that I am loud, over bearing and bossy. Believe me, I know. Because of that, I have never made friends easily. I seem to drive people away from me when all I really want is to draw them in. I don't mean to be over bearing, I mean to be confident - but evidently I suck at doing that. I am loud, I can't tell you how many times my mother has told me to be quiet, I am too loud. So yes, I know that I am loud. I was voted "loudest girl" in my senior class. (still not sure if that was a good thing or not! LOL) However, I was also voted "most likely to become President." So maybe my over bearing tendencies and my tendency to be bossy wasn't always seen as a bad thing?!??
So, if people had made fun of me for those qualities I wouldn't have liked it, but I maybe could have understood. But no, I was made fun of for being fat. I was called names, I was teased, I was bullied. I can't tell you how many days I went home from school crying about things that happened during the day.
I, however, worked VERY hard to not show them they were getting me down. I was that "Jolly" fat person, always happy, always on top of the world. Even when I was dying inside.
I have had many people send me messages since I started blogging. People I knew growing up or people who have known me as an adult. A common theme is they never saw me as bothered by my weight, they always saw a strong, confident, happy person. So it never occurred to them that my weight bothered me.
Well, it worked I guess. I put up that wall to protect myself, if I could laugh at myself, if I could be "jolly" and happy and confident, no one would know that I was dying inside, no one would know just how low my self-esteem was/is. The unfortunate side of that, I built that wall so strong, I turned people away. I appeared...wait, still do...appear aloof, I appear like I don't care, I appear like I need no one. It's a defense mechanism, it's my way of protecting my heart. If I don't let anyone in, then no one can hurt me, right? WRONG, it makes for a very, very lonely person.
About 9 years ago something happened that made me look at life a little differently. I told you earlier that I was always told I need to brush things off, I was paranoid. Well, something happened and my mother-in-law was there to witness it. The next day she called to see if I was okay. Well, I had once again been told I was being paranoid and making too much of the situation. So when she called me to see if I was okay, I had to ask her why. She said because of what she had witnessed, she wanted to be sure I was okay. I seriously had to ask her, "You mean I didn't make it up? I wasn't overreacting and being paranoid?" I was 35 years old and for the first time I can remember, someone (other than my husband) was telling me that what I perceived WAS true. That I was NOT paranoid, I was NOT overreacting.
That was the most freeing moment ever. It gave me permission to have some belief in my own judgement of situations. Situations where in the past 35 years when I felt hurt or betrayed, I had been taught to believe I was overreacting. I mean seriously, if my MOTHER-IN-LAW says what she witnessed was horrible and I had a right to be hurt, I could believe it! (Love you, Mary!)
From then on, I have been more able to stand up for myself. It allowed me to accept myself for who I am and start to like myself. I am NOT saying that my self-esteem immediately jumped, but it started to creep up from the deeps.
So 5 years ago, I had a doctor tell me I had to lose weight. I told him that I had struggled, I had tried and failed so many times that I finally decided that I was being more damaging to myself doing that. I told him that I had decided to like myself for who I am. He honestly told me that I shouldn't be happy with what I was, I should want to lose weight. Of course, I put on the "jolly" appearance and let him speak to me that way. And I tried and tried to do what he wanted and tried to please him, to get him to be happy with what I was accomplishing. The end result - I am now 15 pounds heavier than I was when I started with that endeavor. So lucky me, I failed again.
Last weekend I saw my friend who had surgery 18 months ago. She would tell you that she had tried and failed many times too. This time, she succeeded and she feels great.
I should stress that my low self-esteem is NOT because I am fat. I like myself inside and out. My self-esteem has been battered years after years by inconsiderate people who don't think, just act. They don't consider what they are doing to another person. My self-esteem has sunk year after year from failing to be what others thought I needed to be. I am not pursuing surgery to raise my self-esteem, losing weight will not do that for me. That is something that for the last 9 years I have been working very hard to raise. Believe me, I still have a LONG way to go, my own demons to get past. But it has raised and I do more to protect myself from being hurt. But that wall I built is still there, strong and tall.
So my point tonight - people who are different from the "norm" pretend that it doesn't bother them when others belittle or make fun of them. I have heard people say, "Oh they don't care, they laughed." DUH - do you really think that someone is going to let you know that you are hurting them? I mean seriously, do these people really think that fat people don't care if someone laughs at them or calls them names or tells them they are to blame for being fat?! Do they seriously think skinny people like being called zipper and being called sick and anorexic? Do they think gay people like being called a fairy or queer or a dyke? Do they think people with learning disabilities like being called dumb or stupid? Or how about someone in a wheelchair? Do people think they like to be asked constantly why they are in the chair?
In most of these situations, these people (fat, skinny, gay, people with learning disabilities or physical disabilities) these people act like it doesn't bother them. Because for some reason, in our society it's okay for people to belittle and make fun, but it's not okay for people to stand up for themselves or defend themselves. When they do, they are called paranoid, overreacting, etc. And then the teasing gets worse too. Because when people tease and bully and get a reaction - a ha, they have won. So of course, we put up a front, we build our wall, we protect ourselves.
I said I wasn't pursuing surgery to raise my self-esteem. I am pursuing surgery because I want to be healthier and be there for my children and grandchildren. I have wanted to do this for many years but have been too scared to try, afraid to fail once again. My friend has convinced me that I can succeed and I can do this, and I believe her.
I'm not asking for your sympathy for myself or anyone else who is "different" than others. I am asking people to think before they act before they say something about another person. People may act like they don't care, that it's no big deal - but I am here to tell you that YES, THEY DO care and it is a big deal. If people would simply think first, our world would be such a better place.
So the next time you think someone is "jolly" and nothing will hurt them... please think twice. Don't help people build their walls higher and stronger, instead, be genuine and kind and think of their heart.
Friday, September 7, 2012
Learning from Children
I spend all day, Monday through Friday with children from the age of 3-13. Everyday I learn from them, probably more than they learn from me. As a society, we need to be observant of our children and what they can teach us, if we care to listen.
I know this will sound cliche, but if we observe small children playing in a sandbox we could learn a lot. Honestly, we should be taking notes.
What would we see? We would see children playing with each other for the joy of playing. Children cooperating to get a sand castle built, or maybe a hole dug to China! Children squabbling over the way to do it, but eventually working it out.
A few years ago I tried something very interesting in class one day. For some reason we were talking about World War II and Hitler wanting to control the world and create the perfect race. Now, this would be common talk in social studies, typically in junior or senior high. But this was music class in 2nd grade. Hmmm?! Honestly, at this moment I cannot recall what in the world got us to WWII in music and specifically about Hitler and his destruction of entire populations of people. But, we did - and everyone who teaches will tell you that when you get a teachable moment, you grab it and go for it, which is what I did.
I was trying to tell them how Hitler wanted a perfect population, Aryan. Basically he wanted blond hair, blue eyes. THAT was perfect. Funnily enough a 2nd grader pointed out that Hitler had dark hair! Made me laugh!
I was trying to explain to the kids to achieve this he was willing to kill anyone who didn't meet his standards of perfect. I looked around the room and said, "you have dark hair, you're gone" "You have dark skin, you're gone" "You have brown eyes, sorry, you're gone too" The kids were horrified. They were immediately standing up for their friends saying things like, "Who cares if they have dark skin?" "Does dark hair make someone bad? I don't think so." It was amazing.
That same aged child, a different year, we ended up discussing segregation in the United States. I was teaching in a school with about a 20% Hispanic population. This was easy for me to attempt to demonstrate. I explained that "back then" white people believed that they should not be exposed to or be around black people. That the busses had separate areas, the cities had separate schools, there were 2 separate drinking fountains, etc. They looked at me like I was crazy. Why? Because 20% of their friends were Hispanic and had dark skin and they could not imagine them having to go to another school just because of their skin color.
But two years ago I had the coolest thing happen. I was getting ready for a Christmas Program with 1st graders. The program was called "A Rainbow Christmas" and was about the animals of the forest getting ready to celebrate Christmas. The problem, the black and white animals of the forest refused to let the colorful animals of the forest celebrate with them. The polar bears, penquins, dalmations would not let the blue bird, the frog or the tiger to celebrate with them. Well in comes Santa to solve the dilemma, right? Wrong, the black and white animals KNEW he couldn't be the real Santa because the real Santa would be black and white because THOSE are the only colors that matter and are important.
The kids thought this was just silly. And then they asked why, why, why. Remember, they were 1st graders, 6-7 years old, VERY inquiring. I explained to them that the composer of the program was trying to get at more than the animals of the forest, she was trying to relate it to people and our world. They looked at me like I was an alien. So I tried an experiment. I lined up a group of kids in the front of the classroom. I picked an array of skin tones to stand there. I asked the 1st graders "what makes this line of people a rainbow?"
There answers?
I know this will sound cliche, but if we observe small children playing in a sandbox we could learn a lot. Honestly, we should be taking notes.
What would we see? We would see children playing with each other for the joy of playing. Children cooperating to get a sand castle built, or maybe a hole dug to China! Children squabbling over the way to do it, but eventually working it out.
A few years ago I tried something very interesting in class one day. For some reason we were talking about World War II and Hitler wanting to control the world and create the perfect race. Now, this would be common talk in social studies, typically in junior or senior high. But this was music class in 2nd grade. Hmmm?! Honestly, at this moment I cannot recall what in the world got us to WWII in music and specifically about Hitler and his destruction of entire populations of people. But, we did - and everyone who teaches will tell you that when you get a teachable moment, you grab it and go for it, which is what I did.
I was trying to tell them how Hitler wanted a perfect population, Aryan. Basically he wanted blond hair, blue eyes. THAT was perfect. Funnily enough a 2nd grader pointed out that Hitler had dark hair! Made me laugh!
I was trying to explain to the kids to achieve this he was willing to kill anyone who didn't meet his standards of perfect. I looked around the room and said, "you have dark hair, you're gone" "You have dark skin, you're gone" "You have brown eyes, sorry, you're gone too" The kids were horrified. They were immediately standing up for their friends saying things like, "Who cares if they have dark skin?" "Does dark hair make someone bad? I don't think so." It was amazing.
That same aged child, a different year, we ended up discussing segregation in the United States. I was teaching in a school with about a 20% Hispanic population. This was easy for me to attempt to demonstrate. I explained that "back then" white people believed that they should not be exposed to or be around black people. That the busses had separate areas, the cities had separate schools, there were 2 separate drinking fountains, etc. They looked at me like I was crazy. Why? Because 20% of their friends were Hispanic and had dark skin and they could not imagine them having to go to another school just because of their skin color.
But two years ago I had the coolest thing happen. I was getting ready for a Christmas Program with 1st graders. The program was called "A Rainbow Christmas" and was about the animals of the forest getting ready to celebrate Christmas. The problem, the black and white animals of the forest refused to let the colorful animals of the forest celebrate with them. The polar bears, penquins, dalmations would not let the blue bird, the frog or the tiger to celebrate with them. Well in comes Santa to solve the dilemma, right? Wrong, the black and white animals KNEW he couldn't be the real Santa because the real Santa would be black and white because THOSE are the only colors that matter and are important.
The kids thought this was just silly. And then they asked why, why, why. Remember, they were 1st graders, 6-7 years old, VERY inquiring. I explained to them that the composer of the program was trying to get at more than the animals of the forest, she was trying to relate it to people and our world. They looked at me like I was an alien. So I tried an experiment. I lined up a group of kids in the front of the classroom. I picked an array of skin tones to stand there. I asked the 1st graders "what makes this line of people a rainbow?"
There answers?
- They have different color hair.
- Their shirts - they are different so they make a rainbow.
- They aren't all tall.
NOT ONE child said their skin color. NOT ONE. I was awed. I seriously had to point out that person #1 had very light colored skin, person #2 had very dark skin, etc. Their response? "Yeah, so? What does that have to do with a rainbow?"
Honestly, to these 6-7 year olds, skin color meant NOTHING. Wow, was I impressed by these little people and so very, very proud.
So back to that sand box of children playing. Those kids playing like each other regardless of their differences. They don't care what church the others go to, they don't care if one is black, one is Hispanic and one is Asian, they don't care if one is super skinny and another quite chubby, they don't care if one has down's syndrome or one is rocking back and forth to comfort themselves, they don't care if one will grow up to "come out" when they are 16, they don't care if one will be a Republican Senator or a Democratic Mayor, they don't care about differences....
Children look for the similarities...they all like to play in the sand and therefore is worthy of being their friend.
We always say we are teaching our children for their future for the world they will take over when they grow up. The truly sad thing, we "teach" tolerance right out of them. Children model what they see. They see the grownups in their world treating people with differences in a different way than they treat their friends. They see people who aren't just like them being treated like lesser people. They see voting happen to take away rights of people because they are different than others. How do we expect our children to grow up tolerant when what they see modeled for them is intolerance.
You are all going to think I am a huge Lady Gaga fan because this is my second reference to her, but she really gets it right in her song "Born This Way"
"My Momma told me when I was young
We are all born Superstars"
Seriously - what parent doesn't tell their children that they are awesome and amazing and "superstars?!"
"I'm beautiful in my way
cause God makes no mistakes"
Isn't that what we are taught in Sunday School and church from a very young age. God knows what he is doing, he doesn't make mistakes.
"I'm on the right track, baby
I was born this way."
GOD made us all. He doesn't make mistakes. He made us who we are, whoever that is. Each of us is unique and special and perfect just the way God made us.
"Don't hide yourself in regret,
Just love yourself and you are set."
I find it absolutely hideous that people in our society feel the need to hide themselves and feel ashamed of who they are.
"Whether life's disabilities
Left you outcast, bullied or teased
Rejoice and love yourself today
Cause baby, you were born this way."
I work every day with kids who are outcast, bullied, teased. I work hard to tell them they are wonderful and need to like who they are and the opinions of others be ignored. But that is hard, especially for children. When they are being teased for being too thin, too fat (okay - does NO ONE win?!). Too tall, too short. Too dark, too light. The list goes on and on.
I think our society needs to look more at how our youngest children treat and accept each other. (ok, not the taking toys away stage! LOL)
Maybe instead of us modeling our lack of acceptance to them, we need to follow their model and accept all people no matter what. WHY?
"I was born this way."
Thursday, September 6, 2012
Life is too short.
Today, the world lost a little girl FAR before her time. In my hometown of Wadena, Minnesota, Jane Fiemeyer passed away this afternoon.
Jane, also known as the Princess Warrior, was diagnosed with Leukemia in August of 2011. She battled hard and today she lost that battle just one day after leaving the hospital to go home and prepare for the end of her short life. Jane was 8 years old.
So what does this horrible, horrible even have to do with The Inner Skinny Me? I never met Jane, I haven't lived there in 10 years, she wasn't even born when we moved away. But this little girl has had a powerful effect on me in just the past 4 short days. Until Monday, I knew nothing about Jane. I had seen some posts from some facebook friends about a Princess Warrior, but I truly didn't know what was up. It didn't spark my radar until Monday.
Monday the family posted on Jane's Caringbridge site that the doctors had informed them that they had done everything they could and it was time to prepare for the worst. They gave her from days to possibly months. Little did we know it would be 4 short days.
Jane's mom, Jil Lorentz Fiemeyer, started a social media campaign to grant her little Princess her last wish. The family had never contacted Make a Wish Foundation because they were waiting for remission so she could enjoy her wish. Unfortunately, the news came so quickly, now there wasn't time to contact them and get her wish granted in time.
In comes the power of social media. It started as a facebook plea and spread to twitter where it took off. The hashtag #btrmeetjane spread like wild fire. Jane's wish was to meet the Nickelodeon Boy Band from Minnesota, Big Time Rush. By Tuesday there was a tweet from one of the band member's brothers saying a little bird had told him she should expect a message the next day. Wednesday they discovered that BTR had made a video for Jane and were going to Skype with her on Thursday afternoon. What they didn't know at the time was that BTR and the Make a Wish Foundation was working to surprise her with a visit in person next Monday at her house.
Jane saw the video they made for her, and it made her happy. However, Jane died hours before her Skype session was to happen.
The power of social media. Wow - in less than 3 days strangers from all over the country joined together to make this little girl's wish come true. Hundreds of people (maybe thousands for all I know) banded together for a positive cause. People of all races, religions, sexual orientation, political beliefs - just people! None of the things that cause divisiveness mattered, they were fighting for a common cause, they were treating people kindly and working together to get something done.
Wouldn't it be wonderful if we behaved that way every day?! Not just in cases of tragedy, but every single day. What would this country, or better yet world, be like if we attacked everyday life like that. Not being selfish, not doing what WE want, but doing what should be done.
As a society we tend to be very isolated, we take care of our own. We help those in tragic situations across the world, but we often forget those right next door. Maybe their situation isn't "as bad" as others, but they need help. We look at the world through our own lenses and tend to pass judgement on others. We don't take the time to try to look at it from their perspective, or to walk in their shoes. It's hard - we don't want to face the fact that we often neglect and condemn those around us for being different or not having the same ideologies as we have, we can't relate. Since it's "hard" and we don't want to have those hard conversations and make some hard realizations, we ignore it and expect it to take care of itself.
In a case like Jane - it's not hard. Everyone, regardless of their backgrounds can empathize with the idea of losing a child, sister, friend. The idea of an 8 year old not living to see age 9 sends chills up everyone's spine. And I truly find that pulling together, that working as a team awesome and wonderful.
Imagine what we could do in our own communities, neighborhoods if we pulled together like that for those "hard" situations that we don't want to deal with. Can you imagine the world we would live in and the effect it could have on your lives? If we put aside our judgements of others just because they have a different belief system than our own. If we valued EVERY person regardless of their religion, sexual orientation, political beliefs, racial background, or financial status. If we treated EVERY person equally and believed that we ALL deserve to be treated the same.
So I put that to you all who are reading my posts...can YOU work on yourself to stop judging others by your own standards and start accepting them for theirs? It isn't easy, it may be down right difficult, but if we can do that and raise our children to do that...imagine the world we would leave for our grandchildren and their grandchildren. A world where we all work together and accept EVERYONE for exactly who they are.
Be the person who does the right thing even when it's difficult. Be the person who stands up for the people who no one stands up for. Be the person who fights for the rights of ALL people. Help make our world a place our grandchildren and their grandchildren can say truly valued EVERY person.
And, hug your children, your family, your friends. Be sure to tell the people in your life what they mean to you. Life is fragile and we never know when someone will be taken from us.
In Memory of the Princess Warrior, Jane Fiemeyer. May you fly with the Angels and Rest in Peace.
Jane, also known as the Princess Warrior, was diagnosed with Leukemia in August of 2011. She battled hard and today she lost that battle just one day after leaving the hospital to go home and prepare for the end of her short life. Jane was 8 years old.
So what does this horrible, horrible even have to do with The Inner Skinny Me? I never met Jane, I haven't lived there in 10 years, she wasn't even born when we moved away. But this little girl has had a powerful effect on me in just the past 4 short days. Until Monday, I knew nothing about Jane. I had seen some posts from some facebook friends about a Princess Warrior, but I truly didn't know what was up. It didn't spark my radar until Monday.
Monday the family posted on Jane's Caringbridge site that the doctors had informed them that they had done everything they could and it was time to prepare for the worst. They gave her from days to possibly months. Little did we know it would be 4 short days.
Jane's mom, Jil Lorentz Fiemeyer, started a social media campaign to grant her little Princess her last wish. The family had never contacted Make a Wish Foundation because they were waiting for remission so she could enjoy her wish. Unfortunately, the news came so quickly, now there wasn't time to contact them and get her wish granted in time.
In comes the power of social media. It started as a facebook plea and spread to twitter where it took off. The hashtag #btrmeetjane spread like wild fire. Jane's wish was to meet the Nickelodeon Boy Band from Minnesota, Big Time Rush. By Tuesday there was a tweet from one of the band member's brothers saying a little bird had told him she should expect a message the next day. Wednesday they discovered that BTR had made a video for Jane and were going to Skype with her on Thursday afternoon. What they didn't know at the time was that BTR and the Make a Wish Foundation was working to surprise her with a visit in person next Monday at her house.
Jane saw the video they made for her, and it made her happy. However, Jane died hours before her Skype session was to happen.
The power of social media. Wow - in less than 3 days strangers from all over the country joined together to make this little girl's wish come true. Hundreds of people (maybe thousands for all I know) banded together for a positive cause. People of all races, religions, sexual orientation, political beliefs - just people! None of the things that cause divisiveness mattered, they were fighting for a common cause, they were treating people kindly and working together to get something done.
Wouldn't it be wonderful if we behaved that way every day?! Not just in cases of tragedy, but every single day. What would this country, or better yet world, be like if we attacked everyday life like that. Not being selfish, not doing what WE want, but doing what should be done.
As a society we tend to be very isolated, we take care of our own. We help those in tragic situations across the world, but we often forget those right next door. Maybe their situation isn't "as bad" as others, but they need help. We look at the world through our own lenses and tend to pass judgement on others. We don't take the time to try to look at it from their perspective, or to walk in their shoes. It's hard - we don't want to face the fact that we often neglect and condemn those around us for being different or not having the same ideologies as we have, we can't relate. Since it's "hard" and we don't want to have those hard conversations and make some hard realizations, we ignore it and expect it to take care of itself.
In a case like Jane - it's not hard. Everyone, regardless of their backgrounds can empathize with the idea of losing a child, sister, friend. The idea of an 8 year old not living to see age 9 sends chills up everyone's spine. And I truly find that pulling together, that working as a team awesome and wonderful.
Imagine what we could do in our own communities, neighborhoods if we pulled together like that for those "hard" situations that we don't want to deal with. Can you imagine the world we would live in and the effect it could have on your lives? If we put aside our judgements of others just because they have a different belief system than our own. If we valued EVERY person regardless of their religion, sexual orientation, political beliefs, racial background, or financial status. If we treated EVERY person equally and believed that we ALL deserve to be treated the same.
So I put that to you all who are reading my posts...can YOU work on yourself to stop judging others by your own standards and start accepting them for theirs? It isn't easy, it may be down right difficult, but if we can do that and raise our children to do that...imagine the world we would leave for our grandchildren and their grandchildren. A world where we all work together and accept EVERYONE for exactly who they are.
Be the person who does the right thing even when it's difficult. Be the person who stands up for the people who no one stands up for. Be the person who fights for the rights of ALL people. Help make our world a place our grandchildren and their grandchildren can say truly valued EVERY person.
And, hug your children, your family, your friends. Be sure to tell the people in your life what they mean to you. Life is fragile and we never know when someone will be taken from us.
In Memory of the Princess Warrior, Jane Fiemeyer. May you fly with the Angels and Rest in Peace.
Wednesday, September 5, 2012
People in Authority Roles
When a person in a role of authority says something to you, you respect it, right? I mean come on, that's what we teach our students, listen to the teacher, do what they say, etc. But what about when that Authority figure says things or does things that should be not only disregarded but ultimately reported?
What do I mean by that and how does that relate to The Inner Skinny Me?
In talking with a friend, who like me was not the perfect size 8, I realized that things I had come to think I deserved I did NOT. I'm talking about doctors and how they treat their patients. This friend told me that she had been at the doctor for a routine exam and the doctor said to her, "I want to take all you fat girls and put you on an island with no food for 6 months." Implying that being fat is totally our own doing, has nothing to do with genes, etc. My friend said that she didn't say a word, but tears rolled down her cheeks. The doctor had the gall to then tell her he was glad she was crying because then he knew she at least cared about being fat. Seriously - a doctor talking like this to a patient?
So your first reaction may be..."I would have gotten up and left." or "I would have sued him." or something to that effect. But let's look at this from the "fat girl's" perspective. This is a professional, your doctor. When a doctor says something you listen. Now, even though he was totally out of line, there was more going on here.
Speaking from experience, I will tell you that over the years of being the "fat girl" you are fortunate enough to be called many, many names be people. You are lucky enough to have many people think that they are entitled to judge you and tell you how to live your life. You have the good fortune to be ENTITLED to be judged by every non fat person you encounter. You may be thinking, "No, Molly. People don't really do that." But I am here to tell you, oh yes, they do.
I taught for 2 years in a small town. I learned a LOT about myself in those 2 years. I learned that I NEED people around or I go stir crazy. Granted, I live in a small town now, but this small town was less than 1/6 the size of where I live now. We graduated 7 I believe one of the years I was there. I know some classes were as few as 4 graduates! I grew up in what I considered a small town, but it had nothing on a town this small. I learned that when you are fighting with your husband and you live in a town that small, you have no where to go to get away from him! I also learned that I was NOT willing to put up with being treated poorly by an authority figure. I had THREE different authority figures say/do things that were absolutely intolerable. I did nothing about 2 of them, and tried to do something about one.
I can remember sitting in the lunch room (the school was so small that the staff ate in the same room with the students). I was sitting next to our Elementary Principal. I taught K-12 music (vocal, band, everything) and I was the drama director. So this woman was my boss. There was a young boy, probably 3rd grade or so, who was very over-weight. Being a big person, I didn't look down on him, I felt sorry for him because I knew that he didn't want to be fat, but he was. Sitting next to me, a fat woman eating a 1/2 sandwich and a glass of milk trying to eat sensibly and at least maintain my weight, my principal had the nerve to say to me and the other adults, "Fat people have no one but themselves to blame. They eat everything in sight, eat junk food for meals. They deserve to be fat."
Wow, I deserve to be fat? She wasn't talking directly about me at the moment, but this 3rd grade boy. Seriously, if she was willing to talk that way about an 8 year old boy, what did she say about me behind my back? I sat there, didn't say a word. What could I say? You ignorant woman, look at what I am eating, I am not eating everything in sight, I am eating a 1/2 sandwich and when I am done I will still be hungry, but I won't be eating. No, to someone like her, the point would be moot. Besides, she was my boss, how do you stand up to your boss?
During the 2 years I was there I, of course, needed to have my annual exam. The town didn't have any MDs, but had 2 PAs. I was confident in their ability to care for me. AFter this exam, I had a hard time going back, but when you live in that isolated an area, you don't have much of a choice. While doing my breast exam, the PA had the nerve to look at me and say, "Your breasts are massive, how do you deal with them?" Seriously, she was a woman, don't you think she should know better? Not only a woman, but a PA, a professional person.
The final incident happened with my Superintendent. One morning he stopped in my room between classes. In those few minutes he "needed" to pass on to me that I was no longer allowed to sit in the folding chairs in the school because "You are too fat, you will break them." I cannot even begin to tell you what that did to me. My ability to even go to work deteriorated. I had no desire to be in that building. I was finally so upset that I decided I had to do something about this. I called the State office of the TEacher's Union. Unfortunately, in that state and in the rural schools like this, very very few teachers belonged to the union and schools had the right to do most anything. I was told by the union unless my weight was a handicap, the only thing he had done wrong was to act unprofessionally. I had absolutely no recourse.
Well, somewhere along the line in contacting the state, my Superintendent got wind of the fact that I was trying to do something about the way he treated me and spoke to me. NEVER before in the 2 years I was there had I ever been talked to about my work not being up to snuff. No, the band didn't get the best rating possible at contest, but the band consisted of 6-12 grade students. Beginners and 7 year veterans! The students and I had picked a slightly harder piece than previous years because they wanted to raise their expectations and strive for more. They and I knew the risk of the ratings, but thought it was worth it to strive to be better. NEVER did I hear anything about not getting the best rating possible. Well, that spring I was informed that if I didn't quit I would not have a job there next year. He never directly told me that it was because of my attempted actions against him, but he made enough implications to make sure I knew. The "party line" was, however, that I was not a good enough teacher.
In future years, I had doctors tell me, "You need to lose at least 100 pounds." and then walk out of the room. Seriously - 100 pounds?!?!?! Right, I'll get on that and see you next week. Come on.
What I'm trying to say through this babbling tonight is that as easy as it is for an observer to say, "STand up for yourself, don't let them treat you that way." When year after year, person after person, authority figure after authority figure you are told that you are fat, you are not worthy, you deserve this. Or if authority figures do NOTHING to stop what they see others saying or doing to you - you start to believe that you SHOULD be treated this way. It becomes natural to have people saying these things and you are expected to just put up with it because you deserve it. I am NOT saying that is how I, or others, should respond but I am telling you that we become conditioned to expect that kind of treatment and that somehow you deserve it. Your self-esteem plummets and you just keep plodding along.
What does that mean for me as a teacher and a human being? I have always told anyone who asks me that I became a teacher because I hated school. I didn't hate the learning, I hated the environment. I was never a popular kid. I had a few friends and a lot of classmates. I wasn't a partier either. I was a music and theatre geek, but not even accepted my many of them. I have always said that "If I help ONE person through the hell we call high school, I will feel like I have accomplished something." I am fortunate that I have had former students tell me I did help them through school, so I feel like I have done some good in my job.
So what do I do now? I work VERY hard when talking to or with a student who has been acting poorly, to not say that THEY are naughty, but that their behavior is. That they are making poor choices. I don't want to be that authority figure who makes them expect to called bad or naughty. I make sure that students understand that every day with me is a fresh, clean slate. I do not hold previous bad choices against them and that I hope they won't hold my bad choices against me. I make sure to tell them that we ALL make mistakes, we all make bad choices and we learn from them by accepting responsibility for them and moving on. I work very hard to make sure that I listen to my students when they stop me in the hall and want to tell me about their lives. When I see a student in public I talk to them, I treat them like they are special - even if they drove me crazy that day!
I cringe when I see an adult or authority figure yelling at a student and making them feel sub-human. I think that plays into why I hate American Idol. A friend of mine messaged me today that she doesn't know if she can give up AI, but my blog made her think about it. I don't expect to change everyone's actions and things they like to do/watch. I am just saying that because of my life I can not tolerate watching respected people publically humiliating someone. NO, we don't all have talent. But, how about helpful encouragement and constructive criticism.
The show I do watch is "The Voice." Even when no one turns their chair for a singer - there are positive things said to that singer, they are given constructive criticism and they leave feeling like they were great even though they weren't selected.
Oh but Molly, we don't really hurt people when we tell them they aren't good at something, they are young, they are wonderfully resilient. I leave you with this. I wish I had a dollar for every adult who has told me that they can't sing, they have a horrible voice. They almost all tell me that their elementary music teacher told them not to sing, just to mouth the words. If kids are so resilient, why do these adults still believe that they can't sing and remember being told that as a student? Honestly, they all believe that they can't sing - and in probably about 95% of the cases I have heard them sing and guess what...they can sing. They may not be Lady Gaga, but they can sing and stay relatively on pitch. Like, I would sit next to them and sing and be happy. But they believe they can't, so they don't and won't. THAT is how much a person in authority affects the lives of there subordinates.
What do I mean by that and how does that relate to The Inner Skinny Me?
In talking with a friend, who like me was not the perfect size 8, I realized that things I had come to think I deserved I did NOT. I'm talking about doctors and how they treat their patients. This friend told me that she had been at the doctor for a routine exam and the doctor said to her, "I want to take all you fat girls and put you on an island with no food for 6 months." Implying that being fat is totally our own doing, has nothing to do with genes, etc. My friend said that she didn't say a word, but tears rolled down her cheeks. The doctor had the gall to then tell her he was glad she was crying because then he knew she at least cared about being fat. Seriously - a doctor talking like this to a patient?
So your first reaction may be..."I would have gotten up and left." or "I would have sued him." or something to that effect. But let's look at this from the "fat girl's" perspective. This is a professional, your doctor. When a doctor says something you listen. Now, even though he was totally out of line, there was more going on here.
Speaking from experience, I will tell you that over the years of being the "fat girl" you are fortunate enough to be called many, many names be people. You are lucky enough to have many people think that they are entitled to judge you and tell you how to live your life. You have the good fortune to be ENTITLED to be judged by every non fat person you encounter. You may be thinking, "No, Molly. People don't really do that." But I am here to tell you, oh yes, they do.
I taught for 2 years in a small town. I learned a LOT about myself in those 2 years. I learned that I NEED people around or I go stir crazy. Granted, I live in a small town now, but this small town was less than 1/6 the size of where I live now. We graduated 7 I believe one of the years I was there. I know some classes were as few as 4 graduates! I grew up in what I considered a small town, but it had nothing on a town this small. I learned that when you are fighting with your husband and you live in a town that small, you have no where to go to get away from him! I also learned that I was NOT willing to put up with being treated poorly by an authority figure. I had THREE different authority figures say/do things that were absolutely intolerable. I did nothing about 2 of them, and tried to do something about one.
I can remember sitting in the lunch room (the school was so small that the staff ate in the same room with the students). I was sitting next to our Elementary Principal. I taught K-12 music (vocal, band, everything) and I was the drama director. So this woman was my boss. There was a young boy, probably 3rd grade or so, who was very over-weight. Being a big person, I didn't look down on him, I felt sorry for him because I knew that he didn't want to be fat, but he was. Sitting next to me, a fat woman eating a 1/2 sandwich and a glass of milk trying to eat sensibly and at least maintain my weight, my principal had the nerve to say to me and the other adults, "Fat people have no one but themselves to blame. They eat everything in sight, eat junk food for meals. They deserve to be fat."
Wow, I deserve to be fat? She wasn't talking directly about me at the moment, but this 3rd grade boy. Seriously, if she was willing to talk that way about an 8 year old boy, what did she say about me behind my back? I sat there, didn't say a word. What could I say? You ignorant woman, look at what I am eating, I am not eating everything in sight, I am eating a 1/2 sandwich and when I am done I will still be hungry, but I won't be eating. No, to someone like her, the point would be moot. Besides, she was my boss, how do you stand up to your boss?
During the 2 years I was there I, of course, needed to have my annual exam. The town didn't have any MDs, but had 2 PAs. I was confident in their ability to care for me. AFter this exam, I had a hard time going back, but when you live in that isolated an area, you don't have much of a choice. While doing my breast exam, the PA had the nerve to look at me and say, "Your breasts are massive, how do you deal with them?" Seriously, she was a woman, don't you think she should know better? Not only a woman, but a PA, a professional person.
The final incident happened with my Superintendent. One morning he stopped in my room between classes. In those few minutes he "needed" to pass on to me that I was no longer allowed to sit in the folding chairs in the school because "You are too fat, you will break them." I cannot even begin to tell you what that did to me. My ability to even go to work deteriorated. I had no desire to be in that building. I was finally so upset that I decided I had to do something about this. I called the State office of the TEacher's Union. Unfortunately, in that state and in the rural schools like this, very very few teachers belonged to the union and schools had the right to do most anything. I was told by the union unless my weight was a handicap, the only thing he had done wrong was to act unprofessionally. I had absolutely no recourse.
Well, somewhere along the line in contacting the state, my Superintendent got wind of the fact that I was trying to do something about the way he treated me and spoke to me. NEVER before in the 2 years I was there had I ever been talked to about my work not being up to snuff. No, the band didn't get the best rating possible at contest, but the band consisted of 6-12 grade students. Beginners and 7 year veterans! The students and I had picked a slightly harder piece than previous years because they wanted to raise their expectations and strive for more. They and I knew the risk of the ratings, but thought it was worth it to strive to be better. NEVER did I hear anything about not getting the best rating possible. Well, that spring I was informed that if I didn't quit I would not have a job there next year. He never directly told me that it was because of my attempted actions against him, but he made enough implications to make sure I knew. The "party line" was, however, that I was not a good enough teacher.
In future years, I had doctors tell me, "You need to lose at least 100 pounds." and then walk out of the room. Seriously - 100 pounds?!?!?! Right, I'll get on that and see you next week. Come on.
What I'm trying to say through this babbling tonight is that as easy as it is for an observer to say, "STand up for yourself, don't let them treat you that way." When year after year, person after person, authority figure after authority figure you are told that you are fat, you are not worthy, you deserve this. Or if authority figures do NOTHING to stop what they see others saying or doing to you - you start to believe that you SHOULD be treated this way. It becomes natural to have people saying these things and you are expected to just put up with it because you deserve it. I am NOT saying that is how I, or others, should respond but I am telling you that we become conditioned to expect that kind of treatment and that somehow you deserve it. Your self-esteem plummets and you just keep plodding along.
What does that mean for me as a teacher and a human being? I have always told anyone who asks me that I became a teacher because I hated school. I didn't hate the learning, I hated the environment. I was never a popular kid. I had a few friends and a lot of classmates. I wasn't a partier either. I was a music and theatre geek, but not even accepted my many of them. I have always said that "If I help ONE person through the hell we call high school, I will feel like I have accomplished something." I am fortunate that I have had former students tell me I did help them through school, so I feel like I have done some good in my job.
So what do I do now? I work VERY hard when talking to or with a student who has been acting poorly, to not say that THEY are naughty, but that their behavior is. That they are making poor choices. I don't want to be that authority figure who makes them expect to called bad or naughty. I make sure that students understand that every day with me is a fresh, clean slate. I do not hold previous bad choices against them and that I hope they won't hold my bad choices against me. I make sure to tell them that we ALL make mistakes, we all make bad choices and we learn from them by accepting responsibility for them and moving on. I work very hard to make sure that I listen to my students when they stop me in the hall and want to tell me about their lives. When I see a student in public I talk to them, I treat them like they are special - even if they drove me crazy that day!
I cringe when I see an adult or authority figure yelling at a student and making them feel sub-human. I think that plays into why I hate American Idol. A friend of mine messaged me today that she doesn't know if she can give up AI, but my blog made her think about it. I don't expect to change everyone's actions and things they like to do/watch. I am just saying that because of my life I can not tolerate watching respected people publically humiliating someone. NO, we don't all have talent. But, how about helpful encouragement and constructive criticism.
The show I do watch is "The Voice." Even when no one turns their chair for a singer - there are positive things said to that singer, they are given constructive criticism and they leave feeling like they were great even though they weren't selected.
Oh but Molly, we don't really hurt people when we tell them they aren't good at something, they are young, they are wonderfully resilient. I leave you with this. I wish I had a dollar for every adult who has told me that they can't sing, they have a horrible voice. They almost all tell me that their elementary music teacher told them not to sing, just to mouth the words. If kids are so resilient, why do these adults still believe that they can't sing and remember being told that as a student? Honestly, they all believe that they can't sing - and in probably about 95% of the cases I have heard them sing and guess what...they can sing. They may not be Lady Gaga, but they can sing and stay relatively on pitch. Like, I would sit next to them and sing and be happy. But they believe they can't, so they don't and won't. THAT is how much a person in authority affects the lives of there subordinates.
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