Wow - so I haven't blogged since May and my 2 year anniversary of my bypass surgery. I meant to write all summer long cuz I had interesting things happen during the summer. So here we go in a quick nutshell.
June 2 I had plastic surgery. When you lose 130 pounds you have a bit of excess skin, and if you are lucky (hear sarcasm in the word lucky) you get infections in the skin flaps where the skin on skin contact happens. Well, the truly lucky part of that is that if you are getting infections and you are documenting it and seeing the doctor and getting it treated, insurance sees it as a medical necessity to remove the excess skin. Meaning - they'll cover the surgery to remove the excess skin!!!!
If you're even more lucky (again, sarcasm) you had large breasts that have always caused neck and back pain. And losing 130 pounds didn't stop that pain. The breasts got smaller - but the excess skin on them still pulled and added weight and pain. So - insurance does usually cover breast reduction surgery, and for me they did cover it.
The doctor originally wanted only to do a breast lift, remove the excess skin but leave the actual breast tissue. His reasoning was that most of my problem was the excess skin and when you do a reduction, insurance requires a certain amount of actual breast tissue be removed - if you only take the excess skin insurance considers that cosmetic, not medically necessary. He was worried that with the excess skin removed AND the amount of breast tissue required to be removed, I would be unhappy with the proportion of my breasts to the rest of my body.
This caused a lot of tears and soul searching. How can I go from breasts that are way to big to breasts that are too big, but too small?!?! In the end, I decided that the back and neck pain going away was most important. That would probably have happened if we only did a lift and removed the excess skin - but insurance wouldn't pay for that and I didn't have an extra $7,000 lying around to pay for it. So, I decided that if insurance would cover a reduction, then let's do it. And if I'm unhappy with the size after - I'd get a good push up bra!
I'm happy to say - they covered the reduction, and I LOVE my new breasts. TMI moment coming - they are "perky" for the first time in my life. Like, I could get away with not wearing a bra! Wow, that's never been the case.
The surgery for the removal of the tummy skin is supposed to be very painful. THAT was what I was most afraid of going into the surgery on June 2. I was imagining waking up and being is terrible pain, like intolerable and me begging for relief, etc. Yes, it hurt. Yes, I was sure to get my pain meds. But it was never intolerable or unbearable. With the pain med on board, I was good. Which for me is pretty amazing because I am a pain wimp! I don't tolerate pain well. But honestly - if I stayed on top of the pain meds, I was just fine. Yes, it hurt, but I could tolerate it and go on with life.
The hiccup happened about 10 days after surgery - First a quick explanation. To do the skin removal on my abdomen they did an incision basically hip to hip. This incision was very low - like so low you could wear a bikini and not see it at all. The incisions were actually exactly where the elastic on the legs from your underwear hit. Yes, that was NOT pleasant for a few days! In addition, I had a big blop of excess skin above my belly button. So to get to that they had to do a vertical incision as well. That one goes up to like an inch or so below my breasts. so think a big upside down T -and those are my incisions.
10 days after surgery the vertical incision opened up a little about an inch and a half above where they two incisions met. They weren't worried at first. But then it started weeping and then it was not just weepy, but puss was coming out - again, TMI coming - a LOT of puss was coming out. Remember, I was still quite swollen from the surgery. But I could push on the tummy next to the incision and stuff would just ooze out - LOTS of stuff would ooze out. I ended up in the ER in Iowa City. They got me on an antibiotic and sent me home. That was Saturday. By Monday I was freaking out cuz more was open an LOTS and LOTS of stuff was coming out. Tuesday I saw the surgeon and he re-opened about 2 inches of the vertical incision. And when I say re-opened, I mean, take a scalpel and cut down through the original incision all the way down through the fat tissue and all - it was about 2 inches long and a good inch, inch and a half deep.
Let me tell you - it's weird hearing them cut through your skin and tissue. I couldn't feel it because they did a quick local anesthetic, but I was wide awake and could feel the pulling and hear the cutting. I told them they should provide ear plugs. LOL
Then came the news that I would need to put medicine on gauze and shove it into the open wound every day. When we started this process on June 16, The gauze was probably a good 14 inches long. Yes, we had to put medicine on it, and then use a Q-tip and push it down into the wound. Then put gauze over it the top and tape it down. We did this twice a day. And when you pulled out the old gauze it was nasty gross. The first about 4 days of this I was quite sick. Not just the infection in the skin, but it also made me physically sick. I remember very little of those next 4 days or so.
My kids were intrigued by the open incision. Matthew had to get a flashlight to shine into it so he could see all around inside it. Made me smile. At that point, I couldn't even watch as Mike would stuff the gauze into the wound. It nearly made me sick. It didn't hurt, but I could feel the pressure of him pushing it in and packing it in there good. AFter a couple of weeks, I got so I could do it myself. This was a good thing since I was packing gauze into that wound until the end of August.
Once they open up a wound like that, they don't close it again - they let it heal from the inside out. By the end I was putting like an inch of gauze in, just to cover it - I'd put the medicine right into the hole and then shove a little gauze in to keep it there and cover it. Then a few days of just covering it - not big enough to put anything in it. And by the first day of school, September 2 - I was completely gauze free. Let me tell you, that was a joyous day. There were times during the summer I thought it would never end!
So that was my summer. Really, after about June 23 or so, I was doing well, just had the inconvenience of having to pack the darn think twice a day. Other than that, I was great.
My breasts - they never gave me much of a problem at all. I did have one little spot that opened up but it was because a stitch in the lower layer of skin came out. Once they cut that away, it closed up quick as quick can be.
The summer taught me a lot of patience with myself. I spent most of the summer not allowed to lift more than 8 pounds. 8 pounds really isn't very much when it comes right down to it. And you feel stupid making your kids carry the groceries in when you feel just fine! But hey, they were awesome. All 3 of my family were fabulous and caring and nurturing through this whole thing! I've got a pretty fabulous family!
What the summer also did was see me eating stuff I shouldn't be eating. My tummy got extra picky this summer and lots of things that have always been great, started making me sick. But man oh man, the carbs went in just fine. so, instead of losing the 6 pounds they cut off during the surgery, I actually weigh 2 more pounds than when I started. THIS has me angry with myself. I can't blame anyone but me. I know what I have to do, I know what I did to cause it - and really, it's 2 pounds. But to me, it's TWO pounds and I want them gone. Plus, I want the 6 pounds they cut off gone too! So, I've vowed to myself that I am going to get "back on the wagon" with my eating and get moving more again. I'm feeling like a failure to some extent and for myself, I need to prove that I can do this.
With that - I've also decided I need to start blogging more regularly again. 3 years ago when I was blogging nearly every day, I really got in touch with myself and it felt great. Yesterday I was reading a blog from 3 years ago. It came up on my facebook memories. I thought, hmmm, I wonder what I wrote about 3 years ago. So i read it. It made me think about myself, how I deal with people in general, how others deal with people in general, etc. When I started this blog, it started with the intention of being about my weight loss journey. But it morphed into something much more important to me. It morphed into a blog about how society treats people, how people treat people and my observations and opinions about that.
It morphed into that because for the first time in my, then, 43 years, I felt free to say whatever I wanted to say. To admit things I was feeling, to actually say my weight out loud and NOT be ashamed of it. Our society teaches us to be ashamed of our weight - almost whatever that weight is. And by allowing myself to say my weight and be okay with that - it allowed me to say a whole lot more of what I'd kept inside.
Anyway, reading my post from 3 years ago - renewed that in me and I've decided that I want to blog again. I may bore people, but I'm doing this for me. And if along the way something I say helps someone - great. But the real point is to help me! Being able to just say what I'm thinking, put my opinions out there - get to say what I think is wrong with situations and how I wish they'd be fixed - I don't know - it helps me be a better person all the way around. It gives me a refreshed way of dealing with my students, my children, even my husband! LOL
So - here we go - I'm renewed and going to start this blog thing again. It may be about my weight loss and body image issues - cuz believe me they are still there. And it may be a lot more. I guess we shall see.
Wednesday, September 30, 2015
Monday, May 25, 2015
2 Years - WOW
So, May 7th marked the 2 year mark from my surgery. Hard to believe it's been 2 years. I've come a LONG way during those 2 years.
Here is a "before" picture of me in jeans.
This was taken summer 2012 in Michigan.
And now - here are those SAME pants on me last month.
Yep - SAME jeans - nearly 3 years later - I'm standing in ONE leg.
Then - here is a before and after face picture.
I have these pictures on my computer and my phone as a reminder of where I came from. It helps when I am having a down day and feeling dumpy and fat.
It's still hard for me when I look in the mirror - I see the old me. Yes, I KNOW in my head I have lost 130 pounds, but when I look in the mirror I see the 327 pound girl - I see the rolls, I see the chins.
I'm working on that. I am starting to see the real me - but these pics definitely help me. They help me see the comparison. They are helping me slowly start to see the new me when I look in the mirror.
I had my 2 year checkup with the bariatric department. Same weight I was a year ago at my 1 year appointment. Last year, the surgeon was pretty negative with me. He was focused on my BMI and that it was still over 30 and he wanted it below 25 so I would have a "normal" BMI. No praise for 130 pounds lost. No praise for how far I had come.
This appointment I saw the PA who was the one who saw me before surgery at my appointments. He was all about how far I had come, the co-morbidities being gone AND that I have maintained the same weight for a year. He was about the fact that I have lost 76.5% of my excess weight. 76.5% That's a great number. They consider 50% or more a success. They say you can lose UP TO 77%. That's not an average - that's their top expectation - the average is lower. So my 76.5% is fabulous. And I have maintained it.
The PA was awesome. I told him I had left last year let down by the reaction and response by the surgeon. He apologized - he said he was quite impressed with what I have done and that I need to focus on what I DID accomplish, not what I did not. That made me feel a whole lot better.
I told him that yes, I originally wanted to lose 20 more pounds. But it doesn't seem to matter if I eat less, exercise more, eat more, exercise less, etc, etc - I just stay where I am. So I decided in February that I needed to be happy with what I accomplished and go with it and be satisfied instead of beating myself up over where I didn't get.
So in February I met with the plastic surgeon. I wanted to find out what we needed to do to see if insurance would cover removing my excess skin on my abdomen. And also talked about my breasts. We briefly chatted about my thighs and arms, but that will come after and will not be covered by insurance.
The plastic surgeon was awesome and straight forward. He documented everything as had my primary care doctor been documenting everything. And.....insurance approved the procedures.
So - my big news - in just over a week, on June 2 - I am having the excess skin on my abdomen removed (that's called a panniculectomy) and a breast reduction. Originally the surgeon wanted to do a mastopexy - which is a lift, just removing all the excess skin, no breast tissue. But insurance considers that elective and cosmetic and vanity surgery - so they don't cover it. But they DO cover reduction. I've had my upper back/shoulder/neck pain documented for years so insurance approved a breast reduction. The surgeon was concerned that I would not like my new proportions as removing the required amount of breast tissue will leave me a small B cup. And that concerned me at first as well.
But many hours, days, weeks of pondering and contemplating later,..I decided I could buy push up or padded bras if I'm worried about the look. Having insurance cover the surgery and no longer having the pain in my neck/shoulder/back be gone is more than worth it to me. I will say though - with surgery a week away - THAT is the only thing I am really nervous about. I have been a DDD or DD for as long as I can remember. And I'm going to end up a small B! THAT will be a change.
At my appointment with the bariatric department last week, the PA warned me that this plastic surgery will be significantly more painful than my bypass surgery. I laughed because my brother in law is a PA in the Twin Cities and when he found out I was doing this - his first thing was, "I'm sure you know this, but that is extremely painful." Yes, Yes, I know. But, the end result will be so worth it.
As the date is getting closer and closer, I get more and more excited. What will I look like? What will having smaller breasts be like? What will it be like to NOT have all that excess skin below my belly button? And what will it be like to not have the extra pooch of skin above my belly button?
I do think about the pain that I will have - but I will have a pump while in the hospital and I know how to push the button. I won't try to be brave and tough it out - I'm not tough, I'm a wimp! LOL
And once home, I will not be afraid to take the pain meds they send me home with. Yes, they'll make me loopy and knock me out - but if I can get past the first week or so in a daze, life should be better!
I've arranged to borrow a walker for the first couple of weeks. They have warned me that they pull the skin quite tight and I won't be standing up straight for awhile.
I have my recliner set to be slept in so my body can stay kind of bent and reduce pulling on the incisions.
I have my wonderful parents set to be here for the first week. They'll stay with the kids while I'm in the hospital and then be here to help me as needed when I'm out so Mike can go back to work. They'll help with the running of the kids to all of their events that first week so when Mike is home he can help me and give them a break.
I have to work 5 more days at school - I'm afraid they are going to be 5 LOOOOONG days because I am getting excited for June 2 to come. But I have a lot to do and that should keep me pretty busy.
I've hired someone to come clean for us this summer so that Mike doesn't have to worry about that in addition to helping me. I'm not allowed to lift anything greater than 10 pounds for at least 6 weeks. No vacuuming and straining. So bending and scrubbing the shower is definitely out. :-)
Summer will be one of recovery - if all goes well AND I'm willing to do it again - I'm going to do my thighs after the 6 week recovery for the tummy and breasts. At first I was confident that Yes, I'll do it. I'm now holding that decision off until I see how this first surgery and recovery goes. But, it's definitely still a possibility.
So - kids are all excited and anticipating the end of school and their first day of summer - June 2. And I'm all excited and anticipating my surgery, also June 2. Should be a pretty great day for all of us. The only one who may not enjoy it so much - poor Mike who has to sit in the hospital waiting room all day. He doesn't get to enjoy the first day of summer with the kids and he doesn't have a surgery to look forward to...he has a long day of sitting and waiting to look forward to. Man it's a good thing he loves me and is so awesome. He is always right there for me and is the most supporting and amazing husband ever. I would be lost without him.
It is now Monday, May 25 - so I have 8 days to wait. The count down is on!
Here is a "before" picture of me in jeans.
This was taken summer 2012 in Michigan.
And now - here are those SAME pants on me last month.
Then - here is a before and after face picture.
I have these pictures on my computer and my phone as a reminder of where I came from. It helps when I am having a down day and feeling dumpy and fat.
It's still hard for me when I look in the mirror - I see the old me. Yes, I KNOW in my head I have lost 130 pounds, but when I look in the mirror I see the 327 pound girl - I see the rolls, I see the chins.
I'm working on that. I am starting to see the real me - but these pics definitely help me. They help me see the comparison. They are helping me slowly start to see the new me when I look in the mirror.
I had my 2 year checkup with the bariatric department. Same weight I was a year ago at my 1 year appointment. Last year, the surgeon was pretty negative with me. He was focused on my BMI and that it was still over 30 and he wanted it below 25 so I would have a "normal" BMI. No praise for 130 pounds lost. No praise for how far I had come.
This appointment I saw the PA who was the one who saw me before surgery at my appointments. He was all about how far I had come, the co-morbidities being gone AND that I have maintained the same weight for a year. He was about the fact that I have lost 76.5% of my excess weight. 76.5% That's a great number. They consider 50% or more a success. They say you can lose UP TO 77%. That's not an average - that's their top expectation - the average is lower. So my 76.5% is fabulous. And I have maintained it.
The PA was awesome. I told him I had left last year let down by the reaction and response by the surgeon. He apologized - he said he was quite impressed with what I have done and that I need to focus on what I DID accomplish, not what I did not. That made me feel a whole lot better.
I told him that yes, I originally wanted to lose 20 more pounds. But it doesn't seem to matter if I eat less, exercise more, eat more, exercise less, etc, etc - I just stay where I am. So I decided in February that I needed to be happy with what I accomplished and go with it and be satisfied instead of beating myself up over where I didn't get.
So in February I met with the plastic surgeon. I wanted to find out what we needed to do to see if insurance would cover removing my excess skin on my abdomen. And also talked about my breasts. We briefly chatted about my thighs and arms, but that will come after and will not be covered by insurance.
The plastic surgeon was awesome and straight forward. He documented everything as had my primary care doctor been documenting everything. And.....insurance approved the procedures.
So - my big news - in just over a week, on June 2 - I am having the excess skin on my abdomen removed (that's called a panniculectomy) and a breast reduction. Originally the surgeon wanted to do a mastopexy - which is a lift, just removing all the excess skin, no breast tissue. But insurance considers that elective and cosmetic and vanity surgery - so they don't cover it. But they DO cover reduction. I've had my upper back/shoulder/neck pain documented for years so insurance approved a breast reduction. The surgeon was concerned that I would not like my new proportions as removing the required amount of breast tissue will leave me a small B cup. And that concerned me at first as well.
But many hours, days, weeks of pondering and contemplating later,..I decided I could buy push up or padded bras if I'm worried about the look. Having insurance cover the surgery and no longer having the pain in my neck/shoulder/back be gone is more than worth it to me. I will say though - with surgery a week away - THAT is the only thing I am really nervous about. I have been a DDD or DD for as long as I can remember. And I'm going to end up a small B! THAT will be a change.
At my appointment with the bariatric department last week, the PA warned me that this plastic surgery will be significantly more painful than my bypass surgery. I laughed because my brother in law is a PA in the Twin Cities and when he found out I was doing this - his first thing was, "I'm sure you know this, but that is extremely painful." Yes, Yes, I know. But, the end result will be so worth it.
As the date is getting closer and closer, I get more and more excited. What will I look like? What will having smaller breasts be like? What will it be like to NOT have all that excess skin below my belly button? And what will it be like to not have the extra pooch of skin above my belly button?
I do think about the pain that I will have - but I will have a pump while in the hospital and I know how to push the button. I won't try to be brave and tough it out - I'm not tough, I'm a wimp! LOL
And once home, I will not be afraid to take the pain meds they send me home with. Yes, they'll make me loopy and knock me out - but if I can get past the first week or so in a daze, life should be better!
I've arranged to borrow a walker for the first couple of weeks. They have warned me that they pull the skin quite tight and I won't be standing up straight for awhile.
I have my recliner set to be slept in so my body can stay kind of bent and reduce pulling on the incisions.
I have my wonderful parents set to be here for the first week. They'll stay with the kids while I'm in the hospital and then be here to help me as needed when I'm out so Mike can go back to work. They'll help with the running of the kids to all of their events that first week so when Mike is home he can help me and give them a break.
I have to work 5 more days at school - I'm afraid they are going to be 5 LOOOOONG days because I am getting excited for June 2 to come. But I have a lot to do and that should keep me pretty busy.
I've hired someone to come clean for us this summer so that Mike doesn't have to worry about that in addition to helping me. I'm not allowed to lift anything greater than 10 pounds for at least 6 weeks. No vacuuming and straining. So bending and scrubbing the shower is definitely out. :-)
Summer will be one of recovery - if all goes well AND I'm willing to do it again - I'm going to do my thighs after the 6 week recovery for the tummy and breasts. At first I was confident that Yes, I'll do it. I'm now holding that decision off until I see how this first surgery and recovery goes. But, it's definitely still a possibility.
So - kids are all excited and anticipating the end of school and their first day of summer - June 2. And I'm all excited and anticipating my surgery, also June 2. Should be a pretty great day for all of us. The only one who may not enjoy it so much - poor Mike who has to sit in the hospital waiting room all day. He doesn't get to enjoy the first day of summer with the kids and he doesn't have a surgery to look forward to...he has a long day of sitting and waiting to look forward to. Man it's a good thing he loves me and is so awesome. He is always right there for me and is the most supporting and amazing husband ever. I would be lost without him.
It is now Monday, May 25 - so I have 8 days to wait. The count down is on!
Monday, April 13, 2015
I'm 16 Again
It is absolutely amazing to me how quickly one can be transported back in time. It takes one smell, one song, one taste, or one comment to quickly make you feel like you are 16 again.
This morning that happened to me. Two short sentences transported me back to HS and all of the feelings from then. For me, this is NOT a good thing.
30 years has past since I was 16, but the memories of the way I was treated by some people feel like yesterday when something like this happens.
I think one of the hardest things my amazing husband has had to put up with in our 24+ year relationship is my self-esteem, or lack there of. He sees things bring me down, he sees how things affect me, he sees my lack of confidence in myself...and he is always reminding me about the good things, about who I really am inside.
Today, I called him in where I was getting ready for work and I told him he was going to be proud of me. He looked at me and in typical Mike said, "I'm always proud of you." Then he saw I was upset. I explained that there was a fb group conversation started by HS classmates of mine. They are wanting to plan a trip somewhere for when we all turn 50. The person who started it said in the first post, feel free to add people from our class. So I'm reading from the beginning of the conversation (I got added this morning). Sounds like fun, they are planning a trip to somewhere, domestic to keep costs down, and people are throwing out ideas.
Then a classmate says, "Aren't you going to invite Molly? Just kidding, that was mean."
Boom - I'm 16 again.
Why did I tell Mike he'd be proud of me? He is always telling me to remove myself from situations that are like that - hurtful. But I never do because 1) I don't want to hurt someone's feelings and 2) I imagine that after I do remove myself then I'm talked about and bad mouthed.
But today, as I was blowdrying my hair, with tears running down my face, I decided...to hell with it - I do not need to subject myself to this. And I "left the conversation".
Now I know that may not seem like a big deal - but for me it is. I can't unfriend someone on facebook because that's confrontational to me. I don't like confrontation. I avoid it at all cost. I will say "I'm Sorry" if it means the confrontation will end - even if I have nothing to be sorry for. But today, something in me snapped and I had enough belief in myself to leave the conversation, regardless of if they will talk about me.
I don't know if my weight loss journey is the reason for my ability to finally do something for myself in this regard or not. My whole weight loss journey has been doing something for myself...taking control of my health.
My brain has been racing since this morning. Thinking, pondering...when did I lose confidence in myself? I have great memories of Kindergarten and first grade. I remember holding hands with Jess Graba in 1st grade (under the table during movies). I remember show and tell in Kindergarten. I don't remember a lot, but what I do remember is all good.
2nd grade - I have 2 memories - one of a boy having to be restrained by the teacher and one where I got the number of syllables in estate wrong. Not sure why I have so few memories from that grade.
But 3rd grade on - the memories that come are not pleasant. I'm not saying there are no good memories, I'm just saying that if you ask me to remember those years what immediately comes to my mind is negative.
In Kindergarten and 1st grade I was average size like the rest of my classmates. 2nd grade - like I said, no memories. But in 3rd grade I would be what you would call pleasantly plump. That's when the bad memories start.
No, I am not saying that all the bad memories are because of my weight - but I have learned that the continued weight gain has a lot to do with my memories and my emotions. One boy in HS even decided it would be fine to call me "Moose" - and no one stopped him. They thought it was funny.
I was/am definitely an emotional eater. Food makes you feel better, right? Ha
I'm a strong willed person. I was raised to do my best, be strong. I grew up in a family of yellers. We were a loud family. Want to be heard - shout a little louder. LOL - if only we had stopped yelling and listened better to each other. But that's another story.
Anyway, Somehow my being strong developed into me being a bossy know-it-all. Yes, I wanted to be in charge, I wanted things done my way (the right way, of course) and I wanted it to be good. This part of me is probably why to this day I have a lot of acquaintances and very few actual friends I could call in when I am in need.
I have never made friends easily - part of it, I think, is because I suck at small talk. And, until recently, I sucked at listening. Remember - yell louder you'll be heard. LIstening was not a strong point - so conversations needed to be ME centered. I still find it easier to talk about my kids or something I'm doing in school or something I know than to talk with others about whatever. But I'm really working on that. I also have trouble looking people in the eye when talking - never understood exactly why - but it's only when I feel the "lesser role."
So, I've never made friends easily - but growing up, I desperately wanted friends. I wanted someone to want to hang out with me. I wanted to be "popular". As I think back (oh if only we could know then what we know now!) I did everything I could do to be noticed. I talked about myself, I bragged about my grades, I made sure people knew I was there.
I guess I thought if they knew I was smart, doing well, involved in many things they would think I was worthy of their friendship. But (again, if only I knew then what I know now) it did the exact opposite - actually made it worse to be honest.
Unfortunately, one of the things I was teased about, relentlessly by some, was my weight. My reaction? When I got home I would eat. My favorite emotional eating food - Cheetos with dip. Yep, with dip. Delicious. Oh - not just some - the whole bag. Food made me feel good, food became my panacea to a bad day. Fighting with my mom or brother or dad? Eat, that will make me feel good.
At school, Music was my saving grace - it was my safe place - a place I could be me. Music was a place I could just be and not be judged - most of the time anyway.
The funny thing - a memory - I was voted most likely to become president my senior year. Ha - I thought," Wow, they believe in me." Looking back - did they believe in me or was it "she is bossy and wants to be in charge - always makes herself be in charge so she'll make it so she IS in charge."
To put it lightly - I HATED high school. It was pure hell for me. I went home most days and cried.
BUT - that's why I became a teacher. I have always said, "If I can help just ONE person through the hell we call high school, I will feel like I have accomplished something." I have been fortunate that there are former students who now, as adults, have told me that I did make a difference for them. I did give them that place where they could be accepted for who they are. Knowing that keeps me going. Keeps me staying the person who will always be there for the kids.
My favorite part of my day at school? Breakfast. I have breakfast duty every single day. Most people hate being in the lunch room, loud, messy. But I love it. Why? Because the kids are just kids there and you learn so much about them. You get to know them as a kid, not just a student. You get to know who needs a little more attention, who can use a hug, who needs to be reminded to be kind, etc. I love going to the events my students are in - supporting them and them knowing that what they do outside of my classroom is cool and awesome.
On of my classroom expectations is that you will show respect for feelings. And I always start the year talking about who has been teased, how does it make you feel, who HAS teased - think about it, you are making them feel the way you said you don't like. You get the idea. I try to put it to them in a way they will understand.
So, I left Wadena and headed to college and never looked back. I was so glad to get away from high school and all that meant to me. At college, I met the love of my life. Someone who gets ME. Understand me inside and out. I thank God daily for putting him in my life.
Fast forward to 2007 - my 20th reunion. About a week before the reunion a classmate contacted me and asked if I had pictures. My mom did a great job in my younger years of taking pics and having them in little albums. I had a lot of pics from preschool and early elementary school. Those were great memories for me - those were the years I do remember fondly.
I scanned them in and sent them to her. During the slide show presentation one of the pictures from like my 5th or 6th birthday came up - there were at least 8 classmates in the picture. As we watch the slide show a classmate yells out, "Hey look, it's when Molly HAD friends." And everybody laughed. Needless to say, I remember little else from the reunion. The other memory from that reunion is the same classmate going up to the microphone and calling people who weren't at the reunion and calling them losers and hanging up on them. THAT in itself is bad, but worse - nobody stopped him. A lot of people laughed and egged him on. Others just ignored it - but no one stopped him.
I was already "done" because of the comment he had made about me during the slide show...so I had nothing in me to stand up to him. Besides, that would be confrontational - and I've already talked about how much I like confrontation. But none of my classmates told him to stop either.
We finished the night, didn't stay long, Mike was ready to walk out during the slide show - but me, Miss Anti Confrontation, wouldn't let him. I made us stay.
Why do I talk about that? Because 20 years later I had the same feelings from high school. That I'm not worth anything, they have a right to treat me that way and I should just put up with it. I was told so much to ignore that kind of behavior and it will go away. Or that I was paranoid and thought everyone was out to get me. But it never went away, so I started to believe that that was normal for me to be treated that way - I deserved to be treated that way.
Kids do not realize the impact teasing and belittling can have on a person. For that matter, adults don't realize the impact words can have on a person.
I've realized something about myself recently... I always think I'm younger than everyone else around me. I'm not. But I always feel like they know more than me, they are more deserving than me, they are the ones who should get to call the shots, I should just let them because I'm not worth anything. Ha - it's not that I feel younger - it's that I feel like I'm not worth it. I don't deserve it. I'm horribly nervous about leading a group of adults doing something - what if they don't like what I'm doing, what if they say I'm doing it wrong, what if they make fun of me, what if they don't like me because I ...... you get the picture.
But for my whole life I have not been willing to stand up for myself, not even a little, when it comes to matters of self-worth. I've allowed people to control how I feel about myself. I've given others way too much control of ME.
This morning - after reading the comment. I couldn't take myself out of the conversation. I thought I needed to just stay there and stay quiet otherwise I'd be asking for them to belittle me more.
Then I got mad at myself and decided, NO, I'm worth it. And I removed myself from the conversation...literally.
This may not seem like a big deal to most people but for me it was HUGE. Later today, when I get the chance to get on facebook, I will actually go a step further and "unfriend" the person who made the comment. That person has been in my life from birth and starting about 4th grade, she has been nothing but nasty to me. But I've allowed her to be part of my life because I felt like I couldn't cut her out because it might hurt her feelings.
WHO AM I KIDDING - she has made it clear that she has no trouble hurting feelings, why should I be allowing her to do it to me.
Like I said - this is HUGE for me. It's 46 - it's time I learned to stand up for myself and believe in myself. And get rid of the negative people in my life. I don't have to let them stay there - I can choose to remove them.
So I get to school this morning and I'm still in a funk. I started writing this blog entry. Then I have a class come in - 4th graders. I decided that this may not be about music, but it most certainly is about school. I told them this whole story...condensed of course. And, I cried as I told it. Yes, my students saw me cry - actually had a hard time talking at first I was crying so hard.
But they saw just how REAL it is. I talked with them about how you may think - I'm 10, I'm just saying one little thing, I'm just teasing....but when you are on the receiving end of that day after day, it sticks. I told them that I was there to tell them that what you say now WILL be remembered and DOES have an affect on people.
I told them we always talk about bullying. I said I don't like that word because they hear it so much it has stopped meaning much to them. I told them, when you say or do anything to someone that you wouldn't want said or done to you (or do it behind their backs) - then you are in the wrong. NO ONE has the right to make others feel that way.
I told the kids, don't take until you are 46 to "unfriend" those people in your life. YOU ARE WORTH BETTER. I assured them that if they know the feelings I'm talking about, then they need to remember that I, and the other adults in the building, are there for them. We will listen, we will help.
If I can help kids have good self-esteem, something I have never really had, I will be happy. I can get across the idea to students that YOU MATTER and You deserve to be treated well. Don't wait until you're 46 to decide to stand up for yourself.
So, I'm 16 again today. Trying hard to get back to 46, but having a tough day as my brain floods me with memories. Tomorrow, I will be 46 and I will decide I am worth it.
This morning that happened to me. Two short sentences transported me back to HS and all of the feelings from then. For me, this is NOT a good thing.
30 years has past since I was 16, but the memories of the way I was treated by some people feel like yesterday when something like this happens.
I think one of the hardest things my amazing husband has had to put up with in our 24+ year relationship is my self-esteem, or lack there of. He sees things bring me down, he sees how things affect me, he sees my lack of confidence in myself...and he is always reminding me about the good things, about who I really am inside.
Today, I called him in where I was getting ready for work and I told him he was going to be proud of me. He looked at me and in typical Mike said, "I'm always proud of you." Then he saw I was upset. I explained that there was a fb group conversation started by HS classmates of mine. They are wanting to plan a trip somewhere for when we all turn 50. The person who started it said in the first post, feel free to add people from our class. So I'm reading from the beginning of the conversation (I got added this morning). Sounds like fun, they are planning a trip to somewhere, domestic to keep costs down, and people are throwing out ideas.
Then a classmate says, "Aren't you going to invite Molly? Just kidding, that was mean."
Boom - I'm 16 again.
Why did I tell Mike he'd be proud of me? He is always telling me to remove myself from situations that are like that - hurtful. But I never do because 1) I don't want to hurt someone's feelings and 2) I imagine that after I do remove myself then I'm talked about and bad mouthed.
But today, as I was blowdrying my hair, with tears running down my face, I decided...to hell with it - I do not need to subject myself to this. And I "left the conversation".
Now I know that may not seem like a big deal - but for me it is. I can't unfriend someone on facebook because that's confrontational to me. I don't like confrontation. I avoid it at all cost. I will say "I'm Sorry" if it means the confrontation will end - even if I have nothing to be sorry for. But today, something in me snapped and I had enough belief in myself to leave the conversation, regardless of if they will talk about me.
I don't know if my weight loss journey is the reason for my ability to finally do something for myself in this regard or not. My whole weight loss journey has been doing something for myself...taking control of my health.
My brain has been racing since this morning. Thinking, pondering...when did I lose confidence in myself? I have great memories of Kindergarten and first grade. I remember holding hands with Jess Graba in 1st grade (under the table during movies). I remember show and tell in Kindergarten. I don't remember a lot, but what I do remember is all good.
2nd grade - I have 2 memories - one of a boy having to be restrained by the teacher and one where I got the number of syllables in estate wrong. Not sure why I have so few memories from that grade.
But 3rd grade on - the memories that come are not pleasant. I'm not saying there are no good memories, I'm just saying that if you ask me to remember those years what immediately comes to my mind is negative.
In Kindergarten and 1st grade I was average size like the rest of my classmates. 2nd grade - like I said, no memories. But in 3rd grade I would be what you would call pleasantly plump. That's when the bad memories start.
No, I am not saying that all the bad memories are because of my weight - but I have learned that the continued weight gain has a lot to do with my memories and my emotions. One boy in HS even decided it would be fine to call me "Moose" - and no one stopped him. They thought it was funny.
I was/am definitely an emotional eater. Food makes you feel better, right? Ha
I'm a strong willed person. I was raised to do my best, be strong. I grew up in a family of yellers. We were a loud family. Want to be heard - shout a little louder. LOL - if only we had stopped yelling and listened better to each other. But that's another story.
Anyway, Somehow my being strong developed into me being a bossy know-it-all. Yes, I wanted to be in charge, I wanted things done my way (the right way, of course) and I wanted it to be good. This part of me is probably why to this day I have a lot of acquaintances and very few actual friends I could call in when I am in need.
I have never made friends easily - part of it, I think, is because I suck at small talk. And, until recently, I sucked at listening. Remember - yell louder you'll be heard. LIstening was not a strong point - so conversations needed to be ME centered. I still find it easier to talk about my kids or something I'm doing in school or something I know than to talk with others about whatever. But I'm really working on that. I also have trouble looking people in the eye when talking - never understood exactly why - but it's only when I feel the "lesser role."
So, I've never made friends easily - but growing up, I desperately wanted friends. I wanted someone to want to hang out with me. I wanted to be "popular". As I think back (oh if only we could know then what we know now!) I did everything I could do to be noticed. I talked about myself, I bragged about my grades, I made sure people knew I was there.
I guess I thought if they knew I was smart, doing well, involved in many things they would think I was worthy of their friendship. But (again, if only I knew then what I know now) it did the exact opposite - actually made it worse to be honest.
Unfortunately, one of the things I was teased about, relentlessly by some, was my weight. My reaction? When I got home I would eat. My favorite emotional eating food - Cheetos with dip. Yep, with dip. Delicious. Oh - not just some - the whole bag. Food made me feel good, food became my panacea to a bad day. Fighting with my mom or brother or dad? Eat, that will make me feel good.
At school, Music was my saving grace - it was my safe place - a place I could be me. Music was a place I could just be and not be judged - most of the time anyway.
The funny thing - a memory - I was voted most likely to become president my senior year. Ha - I thought," Wow, they believe in me." Looking back - did they believe in me or was it "she is bossy and wants to be in charge - always makes herself be in charge so she'll make it so she IS in charge."
To put it lightly - I HATED high school. It was pure hell for me. I went home most days and cried.
BUT - that's why I became a teacher. I have always said, "If I can help just ONE person through the hell we call high school, I will feel like I have accomplished something." I have been fortunate that there are former students who now, as adults, have told me that I did make a difference for them. I did give them that place where they could be accepted for who they are. Knowing that keeps me going. Keeps me staying the person who will always be there for the kids.
My favorite part of my day at school? Breakfast. I have breakfast duty every single day. Most people hate being in the lunch room, loud, messy. But I love it. Why? Because the kids are just kids there and you learn so much about them. You get to know them as a kid, not just a student. You get to know who needs a little more attention, who can use a hug, who needs to be reminded to be kind, etc. I love going to the events my students are in - supporting them and them knowing that what they do outside of my classroom is cool and awesome.
On of my classroom expectations is that you will show respect for feelings. And I always start the year talking about who has been teased, how does it make you feel, who HAS teased - think about it, you are making them feel the way you said you don't like. You get the idea. I try to put it to them in a way they will understand.
So, I left Wadena and headed to college and never looked back. I was so glad to get away from high school and all that meant to me. At college, I met the love of my life. Someone who gets ME. Understand me inside and out. I thank God daily for putting him in my life.
Fast forward to 2007 - my 20th reunion. About a week before the reunion a classmate contacted me and asked if I had pictures. My mom did a great job in my younger years of taking pics and having them in little albums. I had a lot of pics from preschool and early elementary school. Those were great memories for me - those were the years I do remember fondly.
I scanned them in and sent them to her. During the slide show presentation one of the pictures from like my 5th or 6th birthday came up - there were at least 8 classmates in the picture. As we watch the slide show a classmate yells out, "Hey look, it's when Molly HAD friends." And everybody laughed. Needless to say, I remember little else from the reunion. The other memory from that reunion is the same classmate going up to the microphone and calling people who weren't at the reunion and calling them losers and hanging up on them. THAT in itself is bad, but worse - nobody stopped him. A lot of people laughed and egged him on. Others just ignored it - but no one stopped him.
I was already "done" because of the comment he had made about me during the slide show...so I had nothing in me to stand up to him. Besides, that would be confrontational - and I've already talked about how much I like confrontation. But none of my classmates told him to stop either.
We finished the night, didn't stay long, Mike was ready to walk out during the slide show - but me, Miss Anti Confrontation, wouldn't let him. I made us stay.
Why do I talk about that? Because 20 years later I had the same feelings from high school. That I'm not worth anything, they have a right to treat me that way and I should just put up with it. I was told so much to ignore that kind of behavior and it will go away. Or that I was paranoid and thought everyone was out to get me. But it never went away, so I started to believe that that was normal for me to be treated that way - I deserved to be treated that way.
Kids do not realize the impact teasing and belittling can have on a person. For that matter, adults don't realize the impact words can have on a person.
I've realized something about myself recently... I always think I'm younger than everyone else around me. I'm not. But I always feel like they know more than me, they are more deserving than me, they are the ones who should get to call the shots, I should just let them because I'm not worth anything. Ha - it's not that I feel younger - it's that I feel like I'm not worth it. I don't deserve it. I'm horribly nervous about leading a group of adults doing something - what if they don't like what I'm doing, what if they say I'm doing it wrong, what if they make fun of me, what if they don't like me because I ...... you get the picture.
But for my whole life I have not been willing to stand up for myself, not even a little, when it comes to matters of self-worth. I've allowed people to control how I feel about myself. I've given others way too much control of ME.
This morning - after reading the comment. I couldn't take myself out of the conversation. I thought I needed to just stay there and stay quiet otherwise I'd be asking for them to belittle me more.
Then I got mad at myself and decided, NO, I'm worth it. And I removed myself from the conversation...literally.
This may not seem like a big deal to most people but for me it was HUGE. Later today, when I get the chance to get on facebook, I will actually go a step further and "unfriend" the person who made the comment. That person has been in my life from birth and starting about 4th grade, she has been nothing but nasty to me. But I've allowed her to be part of my life because I felt like I couldn't cut her out because it might hurt her feelings.
WHO AM I KIDDING - she has made it clear that she has no trouble hurting feelings, why should I be allowing her to do it to me.
Like I said - this is HUGE for me. It's 46 - it's time I learned to stand up for myself and believe in myself. And get rid of the negative people in my life. I don't have to let them stay there - I can choose to remove them.
So I get to school this morning and I'm still in a funk. I started writing this blog entry. Then I have a class come in - 4th graders. I decided that this may not be about music, but it most certainly is about school. I told them this whole story...condensed of course. And, I cried as I told it. Yes, my students saw me cry - actually had a hard time talking at first I was crying so hard.
But they saw just how REAL it is. I talked with them about how you may think - I'm 10, I'm just saying one little thing, I'm just teasing....but when you are on the receiving end of that day after day, it sticks. I told them that I was there to tell them that what you say now WILL be remembered and DOES have an affect on people.
I told them we always talk about bullying. I said I don't like that word because they hear it so much it has stopped meaning much to them. I told them, when you say or do anything to someone that you wouldn't want said or done to you (or do it behind their backs) - then you are in the wrong. NO ONE has the right to make others feel that way.
I told the kids, don't take until you are 46 to "unfriend" those people in your life. YOU ARE WORTH BETTER. I assured them that if they know the feelings I'm talking about, then they need to remember that I, and the other adults in the building, are there for them. We will listen, we will help.
If I can help kids have good self-esteem, something I have never really had, I will be happy. I can get across the idea to students that YOU MATTER and You deserve to be treated well. Don't wait until you're 46 to decide to stand up for yourself.
So, I'm 16 again today. Trying hard to get back to 46, but having a tough day as my brain floods me with memories. Tomorrow, I will be 46 and I will decide I am worth it.
Tuesday, February 3, 2015
Stuck.
So the last time I posted was September and I was ecstatic - I had FINALLY gotten to overweight instead of obese.
Ha - that lasted about a week - then I was back to where I've been since last March. UGH.
I've used this blog too often as just a - yay, I'm doing great. A way to cheer for myself. Yes, I've talked about the bad things, the mental issues, the body image issues, the food issues...but generally and over all, I've used it to help me feel good about myself and what I am doing.
I guess I haven't felt too good about myself since last March. I've been completely stuck. Yep, since last March I've been the same weight. It doesn't seem to matter what I do, I just stay where I am...stuck
I guess I have spent too much time feeling sorry for myself. I often feel like I've failed. I follow a few weight-loss surgery support groups and I see people who started exactly where I was and had surgery after I did... and they got much further than I have.
I know, I know - never compare yourself to others, we are all on our own journey. I get that. But seriously - an entire year and I have not made any advances. SO, SO angry with myself. I think that's the big thing. My self anger.
I find that I have reverted in my brain to old days of not believing I can achieve what I want. I self-defeat myself. I know exercising is good for me - but when I do, I still don't lose weight. I was being very good about exercising regularly - but still, no change. So - why exercise?
I'm supposed to eat very few carbs - but if I eat few carbs or enjoy carbs - I stay the same.
Am I somehow stopping myself from losing more? I wish I knew. I don't want to be a failure, I don't want to feel like I've failed. But for some reason - I'm stuck.
Is it in my brain - am I self-sabotaging? How do I stop this?
Daily questions and worries. How do I stop this?
Ha - that lasted about a week - then I was back to where I've been since last March. UGH.
I've used this blog too often as just a - yay, I'm doing great. A way to cheer for myself. Yes, I've talked about the bad things, the mental issues, the body image issues, the food issues...but generally and over all, I've used it to help me feel good about myself and what I am doing.
I guess I haven't felt too good about myself since last March. I've been completely stuck. Yep, since last March I've been the same weight. It doesn't seem to matter what I do, I just stay where I am...stuck
I guess I have spent too much time feeling sorry for myself. I often feel like I've failed. I follow a few weight-loss surgery support groups and I see people who started exactly where I was and had surgery after I did... and they got much further than I have.
I know, I know - never compare yourself to others, we are all on our own journey. I get that. But seriously - an entire year and I have not made any advances. SO, SO angry with myself. I think that's the big thing. My self anger.
I find that I have reverted in my brain to old days of not believing I can achieve what I want. I self-defeat myself. I know exercising is good for me - but when I do, I still don't lose weight. I was being very good about exercising regularly - but still, no change. So - why exercise?
I'm supposed to eat very few carbs - but if I eat few carbs or enjoy carbs - I stay the same.
Am I somehow stopping myself from losing more? I wish I knew. I don't want to be a failure, I don't want to feel like I've failed. But for some reason - I'm stuck.
Is it in my brain - am I self-sabotaging? How do I stop this?
Daily questions and worries. How do I stop this?
Saturday, September 27, 2014
Overweight....FINALLY!
I knew that it had been awhile since I posted...I did not realize it had been nearly 5 months.
Many times over the last 5 months I have started a blog post in my head. Topics ranging from having a 7 month stall, feeling content with my new life, frustration that I have failed since I am still obese, how I still find no enjoyment in exercising....the list goes on.
This summer I actually tried running. It was short lived. I would do a jog/walk switch off. Walking typically more than jogging, but getting my heart rate up there. First day out...I was attacked by 2 dogs who live two doors away from my parents. Yep, 2 black labs tackled me. The owners did not even apologize, simply told me the dogs were very protective of their lawn. I ran in the road by their house from then on.
The running was very short lived...but I did keep up walking for quite a bit. I was even getting up early before leaving town for trips to be sure to walk. Well ..that went by the wayside as well.
I dropped the gym this summer for a couple of reasons. 1) we were gone so much it did not make sense to pay and never be in town to even go to he gym. 2) it was summer, I can walk outside and enjoy being outside instead of stuck in a gym on a machine.
Well...I joined up again come August because I was getting pretty lax on exercising. The problem...now I was paying someone and still not going. I thought now that school was starting we would be back to a more normal routine and that would include going to the gym. Ha...how wrong I was. Between work, my son's drumming and my daughter's cross country and marching band competitions, we are never home. I am writing this while in the car on our way to a drumming performance. (So if I have weird spelling or words...blame it on fat thumbs and smart phone auto correct.)
So...we dropped the gym again here at the end of September. We do have the ability to use the school's weight room and work out machines. ..we just have to find the time and energy (and motivation) to go. We shall see how this goes.
Regardless of this lack of exercising...something has seemed to be clicking with my body this past month or so. I started the summer weighing anywhere from 195-197. It fluctuated but I stayed in that range. Then, all of a sudden at the end of August I dropped to 192. Then immediately jumped back up to 194. I wasn't sure what happened, but I wasn't going to complain.
The last month I have stayed under 195 and was gradually dropping a half a pound here, a half a pound there. Yesterday I stepped on the scale and was 189.4! OMG. ..Under 190? I truly do not remember when I weighed that little...for sure high school which was 27 years ago. But I remember weighing 200 in college so not sure when in high school.
I figured it was a fluke and today I would be back up over 190. Nope...I was 189.0 today. So I decided to put it into my BMI calculator since I knew it would be getting close to being below 30. I thought my "magic number" was 187...so I wasn't too excited.
Holy crap...189 puts me below a BMI of 30...below 30 is OVERWEIGHT instead of obese. I even used two different BMI calculators because I was sure it could not be right. But it is...After over 27 years of being obese...I AM OVERWEIGHT!
I have giggled and joked that my goal was to be overweight. People chuckled when I said..."I just want to be overweight, can I please be overweight?!" They knew what I meant and why I said that but it still made them chuckle.
You know how you set a goal, even an obtainable goal, but you still doubt you can actually attain it? That was me and the goal of being overweight. Yes, I truly wanted it, but it has been a dream and so far out of reach for so many years, I guess I doubted it could ever really happen.
Honestly, that is probably what has held me in my stall for so long...the disbelief that I truly could reach that goal. I am so used to not being where I want to be weight wise, I did not believe I could truly do it. I was careful about what I ate, I was going to the gym, I was doing everything "right" but I still stayed at 195-197 and obese.
When school started this August I kind of decided...okay, this is who I am and what I am going to be. I would love to be less, but I am so much better than I was even a year ago, and my health is so much better that I was going to be content with staying 195-197.
I am still not sure what has changed other than my mind set. I am not going to the gym and I stopped tracking my food since it did not seem to matter. I even started allowing myself more carbs than my program's plan allows. Why? Because for some reason my new tummy rejects a lot of the proteins, but accepts the carbs. I was sick of always feeling Bleh forcing the proteins in because that is what I am supposed to do. I wanted to enjoy what I ate.
In my head it makes little sense that these actions have allowed me to start losing weight again...but it has. I have dropped 6 pounds in the last month. And as of today I am officially overweight. I am more than ecstatic. I am in disbelief, I am thrilled. I am revitalized. I have renewed faith in myself. I am listening to my body and what it tells me and trusting it. I HOPE that works...we shall see.
But for now, I am rejoicing in the fact that for at least today. ..I AM OVERWEIGHT NOT OBESE!!!
Many times over the last 5 months I have started a blog post in my head. Topics ranging from having a 7 month stall, feeling content with my new life, frustration that I have failed since I am still obese, how I still find no enjoyment in exercising....the list goes on.
This summer I actually tried running. It was short lived. I would do a jog/walk switch off. Walking typically more than jogging, but getting my heart rate up there. First day out...I was attacked by 2 dogs who live two doors away from my parents. Yep, 2 black labs tackled me. The owners did not even apologize, simply told me the dogs were very protective of their lawn. I ran in the road by their house from then on.
The running was very short lived...but I did keep up walking for quite a bit. I was even getting up early before leaving town for trips to be sure to walk. Well ..that went by the wayside as well.
I dropped the gym this summer for a couple of reasons. 1) we were gone so much it did not make sense to pay and never be in town to even go to he gym. 2) it was summer, I can walk outside and enjoy being outside instead of stuck in a gym on a machine.
Well...I joined up again come August because I was getting pretty lax on exercising. The problem...now I was paying someone and still not going. I thought now that school was starting we would be back to a more normal routine and that would include going to the gym. Ha...how wrong I was. Between work, my son's drumming and my daughter's cross country and marching band competitions, we are never home. I am writing this while in the car on our way to a drumming performance. (So if I have weird spelling or words...blame it on fat thumbs and smart phone auto correct.)
So...we dropped the gym again here at the end of September. We do have the ability to use the school's weight room and work out machines. ..we just have to find the time and energy (and motivation) to go. We shall see how this goes.
Regardless of this lack of exercising...something has seemed to be clicking with my body this past month or so. I started the summer weighing anywhere from 195-197. It fluctuated but I stayed in that range. Then, all of a sudden at the end of August I dropped to 192. Then immediately jumped back up to 194. I wasn't sure what happened, but I wasn't going to complain.
The last month I have stayed under 195 and was gradually dropping a half a pound here, a half a pound there. Yesterday I stepped on the scale and was 189.4! OMG. ..Under 190? I truly do not remember when I weighed that little...for sure high school which was 27 years ago. But I remember weighing 200 in college so not sure when in high school.
I figured it was a fluke and today I would be back up over 190. Nope...I was 189.0 today. So I decided to put it into my BMI calculator since I knew it would be getting close to being below 30. I thought my "magic number" was 187...so I wasn't too excited.
Holy crap...189 puts me below a BMI of 30...below 30 is OVERWEIGHT instead of obese. I even used two different BMI calculators because I was sure it could not be right. But it is...After over 27 years of being obese...I AM OVERWEIGHT!
I have giggled and joked that my goal was to be overweight. People chuckled when I said..."I just want to be overweight, can I please be overweight?!" They knew what I meant and why I said that but it still made them chuckle.
You know how you set a goal, even an obtainable goal, but you still doubt you can actually attain it? That was me and the goal of being overweight. Yes, I truly wanted it, but it has been a dream and so far out of reach for so many years, I guess I doubted it could ever really happen.
Honestly, that is probably what has held me in my stall for so long...the disbelief that I truly could reach that goal. I am so used to not being where I want to be weight wise, I did not believe I could truly do it. I was careful about what I ate, I was going to the gym, I was doing everything "right" but I still stayed at 195-197 and obese.
When school started this August I kind of decided...okay, this is who I am and what I am going to be. I would love to be less, but I am so much better than I was even a year ago, and my health is so much better that I was going to be content with staying 195-197.
I am still not sure what has changed other than my mind set. I am not going to the gym and I stopped tracking my food since it did not seem to matter. I even started allowing myself more carbs than my program's plan allows. Why? Because for some reason my new tummy rejects a lot of the proteins, but accepts the carbs. I was sick of always feeling Bleh forcing the proteins in because that is what I am supposed to do. I wanted to enjoy what I ate.
In my head it makes little sense that these actions have allowed me to start losing weight again...but it has. I have dropped 6 pounds in the last month. And as of today I am officially overweight. I am more than ecstatic. I am in disbelief, I am thrilled. I am revitalized. I have renewed faith in myself. I am listening to my body and what it tells me and trusting it. I HOPE that works...we shall see.
But for now, I am rejoicing in the fact that for at least today. ..I AM OVERWEIGHT NOT OBESE!!!
Tuesday, May 6, 2014
ONE YEAR
One year ago tonight I was in a motel in Iowa City preparing for bed. Having something to eat, probably, and some water ... all before midnight - the magical cut off time for food and drink when having surgery the next day.
I honestly do not recall being nervous. Maybe if we went back in time and could look, I was, but my memory is not of nerves - just excitement.
Sometimes I wonder if I was odd that I was not nervous. I belong to a few support groups on-line for people who have had weight loss surgery and often I will read about someone who is scheduling their surgery or their surgery is in a few days or tomorrow and they are saying they are nervous and wondering if they are doing the right thing.
I truly know that once I made this decision, I have never looked back. I never second guessed myself or wondered if I was doing the right thing.
Several years ago (like 11) I knew someone who had the surgery and had many complications. She had been hospitalized for much of the 3 months following surgery, lost nearly all of her hair with the rapid weight loss, and basically just looked sickly. It scared me away from the idea of surgery.
Well, Labor Day weekend of 2012 was a turning point for me - and one from which I have never looked back! I probably need to thank my brother-in-law and his wife for the site they chose for their wedding as that played a huge role in my turning point.
They got married at Lutsen up on Lake Superior. Beautiful site for a wedding. They got married down near the beach...we all stayed in condos up a HUGE freaking flight of stairs. Those stairs were my sign #1 that it was time. I was humiliated at how out of breath I was just trying to go up those stairs. Others were going up at the same time, others who were older than me by a good 20 years in some cases. They went up and then went over and started doing whatever. I stopped part way up, was out of breath, my lungs burned, I could not breathe. Mike and I took the long way back to the condo once we reached the top of the stairs...why? So I could attempt to catch my breath and not humiliate myself more.
That sign #1 - did not turn into a positive until much later. At that point it was simply humiliation, pure and simple. I remember that when we got back to the condo, my mother-in-law and daughter were working on the groom's dinner food. She asked me why I wasn't helping my daughter and her. I, who was still trying to catch my breath and not humiliate myself, lied and told her that I had hurt my ankle on the stairs. This ankle is one that I broke in 2003 and does often bother me - but it was not bothering me that day. But it was a quick excuse to attempt to cover up my inability to breathe.
Sign #2 came later that evening during the groom's dinner. Someone I had not seen in about 5 years showed up and I did not recognize her. 18 months earlier she had had Gastric Bypass Surgery (RNY). I finally got the guts to talk to her about it and her only regret was that she hadn't done it years earlier.
I guess those 2 signs were all I needed to take the plunge. I got on-line that weekend and requested an appointment with the chief of bariatric surgery at the University of Iowa.
I guess that sign #3 was how quickly I was able to get in to see the doctor and start my journey. Within 6 weeks of taking the plunge and requesting an appointment, I was in their office starting my journey toward surgery. Now 6 weeks may seem like a long time - but getting an appointment at the University of Iowa is not always a quick and/or easy thing to do. Often they are a good 4-6 months out in scheduling things. So to me, that was sign #3 that this was what I was supposed to be doing.
Over the next 7 months, I can say that I got frustrated and was hungry - but I was never deterred from my path. In fact, that made me MORE determined. I remember a friend suggesting that since I was being successful in my 7 months and losing weight, maybe I wouldn't need the surgery after all. I know she was trying to be positive and helpful, but it made me laugh inside because I felt anything but successful. It took me 7 months to lose 30 pounds and I was starving the whole stinking time. I mean really hungry. It wasn't like my stomach shrunk and I got used to eating less. I was hungry every minute of every day. But, I didn't give in and eat junk. Yes, at times I actually ate a full meal so I would feel satisfied, just for a little while. But that was rare. Typically I stuck to my eating plan. I was determined that if I was going to do this surgery, I was going to be successful.
I look back and I am amazed. I seriously never wavered on my decision. It's like once I made that on-line request for an appointment I was on a mission and nothing was going to stop me.
I had some people question my decision - in fact try to tell me I was doing the wrong thing. Tell me about people who died when they had the surgery. Telling me about people who had the surgery and regained all the weight. That did not scare me or change my mind. It annoyed me and even angered me that they had that little faith in me. One person went so far as to scold me when I had a finger full of frosting from a cake. Yes, ONE finger tip worth of frosting from a cake. While that person stood there and ate like 2 pieces of cake and later had a couple more. That person told me that if I was going to have this surgery and expect it to work I was going to have to stop doing that or I would fail.
That did not make me question my decision, but it made me question why that person had so little faith in me. My amazing husband did what I am simply not strong enough to do, and told that person how much they hurt me by saying that to me. That person has never bothered to apologize to me, but has never said another word about my eating.
But I still did not waver. I KNEW that what I was doing was what I had to do for my health and well being. I was taking my life back and I was not letting anything stop me.
Through the past year I have also never questioned my decision or wished I had not done the surgery. Are there times that are rough, yes. Having food be fine one day and make me sick the next is not fun. But it doesn't happen that often. And if I can figure out what does it - I don't eat it any more.
I have become rather food apathetic. Meaning, I really don't care if I eat. I'm rarely hungry and when I am, nothing sounds appealing. Going out to eat is no longer something I look forward to - it's more like, "hmmm, if we go out, what will I eat?" But to me, that is a small price to pay for my health and getting my life back and being in control of my life and well being.
A year ago tonight I would never, ever have dreamed that I would be sitting here writing this post in a size 16 jeans (not a 16W, a normal person size 16 bought at Kohl's) and a MEDIUM shirt. Yes, that's smaller than large! LOL I was at a 30W pant and a 4X shirt when I started this journey in September of 2012. The change in sizes of my clothing is overwhelming to me at times. It almost makes me cry in the store when something from the "normal" sizes actually fits me. As I sit here thinking about it, I cry.
Have I reached my goal? Not yet. Notice I am not saying No, I am saying NOT YET. This morning I weighed 196.4 - that is still obese on the BMI scale. I truly want to just be overweight. I would LOVE to be "normal" but that is 40 pounds away. If I set that goal right now - it will overwhelm me. So I set smaller goals. And my current goal is to hit 187 because that puts my BMI into the "overweight" category instead of obese.
Thursday I have my 1 year appointment at the surgeon's office. I am hoping they remember the goal they set for me of 200 pounds. And I PRAY that their scale isn't too much different from mine. I may not eat all mroning before my appointment just to make sure that the normal couple of pounds you add during the day from eating and drinking aren't there for my step onto that scale. Not because it really matters, because I know what my scale at home says. But I am a pleaser - I want to please people, I want them to see I did what they set before me. So I want THEIR scale to show that I made their goal. So cross your fingers!
If I have one piece of advice to someone undertaking this journey - it's not food, diet, exercise, surgery related. It's something simpler than that. TAKE PICTURES of yourself. Even though you do not like what you look like - take pictures from all angles. AND, take measurments of your thighs, upper arms, hips, waist, bust, chest, neck. Do it at your highest weight. Then do it right before surgery. Then do it monthly after that.
I SO wish I had pics like that of me from before surgery. I wish I had measurements from before surgery. Why? The hardest part of the whole journey for me is wrapping my head around what I look like now. I still see the 327 pound girl when I look in the mirror. I need the pictures to help me truly see what I look like now. To see how much healthier I look. To see "the Inner Skinny Me" that is no longer inner!
I don't have the pics I wish - but for you here, I have a picture of the first day of school in 2012 (that was about a week before the wedding I mention). Then I have a picture from shortly before my surgery. Then I have 4 pictures that I just went and made my husband take right now!
August 2012 - first day of school.
March 2013 - down about 20 pounds from highest weight - about 6 weeks before surgery.
May 6, 2014 - 1 year after surgery
NEVER would I have dreamed I would post a picture of my backside! But darn it, I'm rather proud! And being a choir director - that IS the side the audience always gets to see - so I am glad I have made it a nicer sight to look at! LOL
Do I have further to go - absolutely. If I can make it work in my future, I would LOVE to have plastic surgery done to remove the excess skin from my tummy. That "might" get covered by insurance. I would also love to do a breast lift - they simply are NOT what they used to be! LOL - and that too I may be able to get covered because of back/shoulder pain due to the weight. In my dream world I would get rid of my "bat wings", otherwise known as the arm flab that hangs down on my upper arms. And I would love a thigh lift from all the sagging skin there. Those two, however, are almost never covered by insurance - so they are a pipe dream! But a girl can dream.
In the mean time - I go to the gym and work on toning and firming and trying to tighten up as much of it as I can that way.
As I look at the pictures above - I cry. I am proud of what I have accomplished in the last 19 months. I am proud that I have never stopped working toward my goal and never given up on myself. I have bad days, I don't eat what I am supposed to eat all the time - I sometimes eat things I shouldn't eat. But I don't punish myself for those days. I move forward and start fresh each day telling myself I can do this and it is worth it.
I LOVE the new outer me. I am PROUD of the new outer me. I am THRILLED that the outer me now matches more closely the inner me.
I have loved the last year and can't wait for the next year to see what I can accomplish with this wonderful tool I received a year ago.
I honestly do not recall being nervous. Maybe if we went back in time and could look, I was, but my memory is not of nerves - just excitement.
Sometimes I wonder if I was odd that I was not nervous. I belong to a few support groups on-line for people who have had weight loss surgery and often I will read about someone who is scheduling their surgery or their surgery is in a few days or tomorrow and they are saying they are nervous and wondering if they are doing the right thing.
I truly know that once I made this decision, I have never looked back. I never second guessed myself or wondered if I was doing the right thing.
Several years ago (like 11) I knew someone who had the surgery and had many complications. She had been hospitalized for much of the 3 months following surgery, lost nearly all of her hair with the rapid weight loss, and basically just looked sickly. It scared me away from the idea of surgery.
Well, Labor Day weekend of 2012 was a turning point for me - and one from which I have never looked back! I probably need to thank my brother-in-law and his wife for the site they chose for their wedding as that played a huge role in my turning point.
They got married at Lutsen up on Lake Superior. Beautiful site for a wedding. They got married down near the beach...we all stayed in condos up a HUGE freaking flight of stairs. Those stairs were my sign #1 that it was time. I was humiliated at how out of breath I was just trying to go up those stairs. Others were going up at the same time, others who were older than me by a good 20 years in some cases. They went up and then went over and started doing whatever. I stopped part way up, was out of breath, my lungs burned, I could not breathe. Mike and I took the long way back to the condo once we reached the top of the stairs...why? So I could attempt to catch my breath and not humiliate myself more.
That sign #1 - did not turn into a positive until much later. At that point it was simply humiliation, pure and simple. I remember that when we got back to the condo, my mother-in-law and daughter were working on the groom's dinner food. She asked me why I wasn't helping my daughter and her. I, who was still trying to catch my breath and not humiliate myself, lied and told her that I had hurt my ankle on the stairs. This ankle is one that I broke in 2003 and does often bother me - but it was not bothering me that day. But it was a quick excuse to attempt to cover up my inability to breathe.
Sign #2 came later that evening during the groom's dinner. Someone I had not seen in about 5 years showed up and I did not recognize her. 18 months earlier she had had Gastric Bypass Surgery (RNY). I finally got the guts to talk to her about it and her only regret was that she hadn't done it years earlier.
I guess those 2 signs were all I needed to take the plunge. I got on-line that weekend and requested an appointment with the chief of bariatric surgery at the University of Iowa.
I guess that sign #3 was how quickly I was able to get in to see the doctor and start my journey. Within 6 weeks of taking the plunge and requesting an appointment, I was in their office starting my journey toward surgery. Now 6 weeks may seem like a long time - but getting an appointment at the University of Iowa is not always a quick and/or easy thing to do. Often they are a good 4-6 months out in scheduling things. So to me, that was sign #3 that this was what I was supposed to be doing.
Over the next 7 months, I can say that I got frustrated and was hungry - but I was never deterred from my path. In fact, that made me MORE determined. I remember a friend suggesting that since I was being successful in my 7 months and losing weight, maybe I wouldn't need the surgery after all. I know she was trying to be positive and helpful, but it made me laugh inside because I felt anything but successful. It took me 7 months to lose 30 pounds and I was starving the whole stinking time. I mean really hungry. It wasn't like my stomach shrunk and I got used to eating less. I was hungry every minute of every day. But, I didn't give in and eat junk. Yes, at times I actually ate a full meal so I would feel satisfied, just for a little while. But that was rare. Typically I stuck to my eating plan. I was determined that if I was going to do this surgery, I was going to be successful.
I look back and I am amazed. I seriously never wavered on my decision. It's like once I made that on-line request for an appointment I was on a mission and nothing was going to stop me.
I had some people question my decision - in fact try to tell me I was doing the wrong thing. Tell me about people who died when they had the surgery. Telling me about people who had the surgery and regained all the weight. That did not scare me or change my mind. It annoyed me and even angered me that they had that little faith in me. One person went so far as to scold me when I had a finger full of frosting from a cake. Yes, ONE finger tip worth of frosting from a cake. While that person stood there and ate like 2 pieces of cake and later had a couple more. That person told me that if I was going to have this surgery and expect it to work I was going to have to stop doing that or I would fail.
That did not make me question my decision, but it made me question why that person had so little faith in me. My amazing husband did what I am simply not strong enough to do, and told that person how much they hurt me by saying that to me. That person has never bothered to apologize to me, but has never said another word about my eating.
But I still did not waver. I KNEW that what I was doing was what I had to do for my health and well being. I was taking my life back and I was not letting anything stop me.
Through the past year I have also never questioned my decision or wished I had not done the surgery. Are there times that are rough, yes. Having food be fine one day and make me sick the next is not fun. But it doesn't happen that often. And if I can figure out what does it - I don't eat it any more.
I have become rather food apathetic. Meaning, I really don't care if I eat. I'm rarely hungry and when I am, nothing sounds appealing. Going out to eat is no longer something I look forward to - it's more like, "hmmm, if we go out, what will I eat?" But to me, that is a small price to pay for my health and getting my life back and being in control of my life and well being.
A year ago tonight I would never, ever have dreamed that I would be sitting here writing this post in a size 16 jeans (not a 16W, a normal person size 16 bought at Kohl's) and a MEDIUM shirt. Yes, that's smaller than large! LOL I was at a 30W pant and a 4X shirt when I started this journey in September of 2012. The change in sizes of my clothing is overwhelming to me at times. It almost makes me cry in the store when something from the "normal" sizes actually fits me. As I sit here thinking about it, I cry.
Have I reached my goal? Not yet. Notice I am not saying No, I am saying NOT YET. This morning I weighed 196.4 - that is still obese on the BMI scale. I truly want to just be overweight. I would LOVE to be "normal" but that is 40 pounds away. If I set that goal right now - it will overwhelm me. So I set smaller goals. And my current goal is to hit 187 because that puts my BMI into the "overweight" category instead of obese.
Thursday I have my 1 year appointment at the surgeon's office. I am hoping they remember the goal they set for me of 200 pounds. And I PRAY that their scale isn't too much different from mine. I may not eat all mroning before my appointment just to make sure that the normal couple of pounds you add during the day from eating and drinking aren't there for my step onto that scale. Not because it really matters, because I know what my scale at home says. But I am a pleaser - I want to please people, I want them to see I did what they set before me. So I want THEIR scale to show that I made their goal. So cross your fingers!
If I have one piece of advice to someone undertaking this journey - it's not food, diet, exercise, surgery related. It's something simpler than that. TAKE PICTURES of yourself. Even though you do not like what you look like - take pictures from all angles. AND, take measurments of your thighs, upper arms, hips, waist, bust, chest, neck. Do it at your highest weight. Then do it right before surgery. Then do it monthly after that.
I SO wish I had pics like that of me from before surgery. I wish I had measurements from before surgery. Why? The hardest part of the whole journey for me is wrapping my head around what I look like now. I still see the 327 pound girl when I look in the mirror. I need the pictures to help me truly see what I look like now. To see how much healthier I look. To see "the Inner Skinny Me" that is no longer inner!
I don't have the pics I wish - but for you here, I have a picture of the first day of school in 2012 (that was about a week before the wedding I mention). Then I have a picture from shortly before my surgery. Then I have 4 pictures that I just went and made my husband take right now!
March 2013 - down about 20 pounds from highest weight - about 6 weeks before surgery.
NEVER would I have dreamed I would post a picture of my backside! But darn it, I'm rather proud! And being a choir director - that IS the side the audience always gets to see - so I am glad I have made it a nicer sight to look at! LOL
Do I have further to go - absolutely. If I can make it work in my future, I would LOVE to have plastic surgery done to remove the excess skin from my tummy. That "might" get covered by insurance. I would also love to do a breast lift - they simply are NOT what they used to be! LOL - and that too I may be able to get covered because of back/shoulder pain due to the weight. In my dream world I would get rid of my "bat wings", otherwise known as the arm flab that hangs down on my upper arms. And I would love a thigh lift from all the sagging skin there. Those two, however, are almost never covered by insurance - so they are a pipe dream! But a girl can dream.
In the mean time - I go to the gym and work on toning and firming and trying to tighten up as much of it as I can that way.
As I look at the pictures above - I cry. I am proud of what I have accomplished in the last 19 months. I am proud that I have never stopped working toward my goal and never given up on myself. I have bad days, I don't eat what I am supposed to eat all the time - I sometimes eat things I shouldn't eat. But I don't punish myself for those days. I move forward and start fresh each day telling myself I can do this and it is worth it.
I LOVE the new outer me. I am PROUD of the new outer me. I am THRILLED that the outer me now matches more closely the inner me.
I have loved the last year and can't wait for the next year to see what I can accomplish with this wonderful tool I received a year ago.
Monday, March 31, 2014
Milestones, Milestones
So, last Thursday, March 27, 2014 is one of my favorite days. Why?! Well, by 11:30 that morning I had made THREE major milestones.
Milestone #1:
I made it to what the weight loss community calls "onederland" - in otherwords - I no longer weigh over 200 pounds. My scale that morning said 199.8. Yes, barely onederland, but onederland all the same.
This was my 2nd post surgery goal, so I am thrilled. I am moving on to my 3rd post surgery goal which is to be "overweight" instead of obese - that means getting to 187 pounds. So, I have updated my marble jars so that I can "see" my next goal. And as of this morning - I was 197.8 so life is good!
Milestone #2:
I bought my first pair of pants with NO W after the number. In other words, normal old pants, not plus sized or women's sized pants.
At first I was a little bummed by the number, but hey, it's progress. Why was I bugged? Well, my jeans that fit right now are a 14W. I tried on some capris in a 14W and they were too big. So I asked the clerk - NOW WHAT? Luckily, Dress Barn is a double sided store - meaning it has "normal" sized clothes and plus sized clothes.
The clerk said, "Well, we get a 16 from the other side." My first reaction was ...16?! But then I realized - well, the cut is different,e tc, etc.
And, the 16 fit. It is snug, not tight, on the thighs and hips, but gapping at the waist. I guess I am now resigned to wearing belts all the time because I am a hippy and thighy (nice, made up word) person. And to fit my lovely hips, thighs, and extra skin on my lower tummy, the waist is going to be to large. So, belts it is!
Milestone #3:
I bought a shirt in a size MEDIUM. Holy shit, medium. My mind has been blown lately anyway realizing that my shirts are now a size Large. That is just unfathomable to me. But to need to buy a MEDIUM? I almost started crying right there in the store.
It was kind of funny. I saw the shirt on the wall and thought it was cute, I grabbed a large. When I put it on and was looking in the mirror, it just was wrong. I decided it was the shirt just didn't look good on me. Well, about 5 minutes later it occurred to me that what I hadn't liked is how it hung on my sides. So, I decided to take a change and grabbed a medium. I figured it was a silly thing to do, but what the heck.
I was blown away when it fit.
Since Thursday, life just keeps making me happy. I was telling my mother-in-law how hard it is for me to look in the mirror because I still see the 327 pound fat girl when I look. I know in my head I am not that person any more, but since I have changed gradually and I have been seeing myself the whole time - I seriously do not see the difference unless I compare pictures.
My MIL's response, "Well you need to see it because it's there." or something to that extent. Her point being - I'm not the 327 pound girl any more and I need to see that when I look in the mirror.
THEN, my daughter wanted to go in to Vanity to try on some clothes. I am still looking for some jean capris for this spring so I thought - what the heck, why not try?
OMG - they fit me - and not even the largest size in the store! The problem - evidently people who shop at Vanity like to have their pants nearly showing their butt and have to pull them up all the time. LOL
I could NOT buy them - they were just way too low cut for me...I'm an old lady, now some young one, I like the higher riding pants, please.
But the real point - I could shop in the SAME STORE as my 14 year old daughter. Again, mind blown.
So life is going pretty darn well as I approach my 11 months since surgery date. I would LOVE, LOVE, LOVE it if I could be to goal #3 (187 pounds) and not be obese any longer when I go for my 1 year post surgery appointment in May. THAT would make my day. So, I have a little over a month to get there and 10.8 pounds to lose.
Milestone #1:
I made it to what the weight loss community calls "onederland" - in otherwords - I no longer weigh over 200 pounds. My scale that morning said 199.8. Yes, barely onederland, but onederland all the same.
This was my 2nd post surgery goal, so I am thrilled. I am moving on to my 3rd post surgery goal which is to be "overweight" instead of obese - that means getting to 187 pounds. So, I have updated my marble jars so that I can "see" my next goal. And as of this morning - I was 197.8 so life is good!
Milestone #2:
I bought my first pair of pants with NO W after the number. In other words, normal old pants, not plus sized or women's sized pants.
At first I was a little bummed by the number, but hey, it's progress. Why was I bugged? Well, my jeans that fit right now are a 14W. I tried on some capris in a 14W and they were too big. So I asked the clerk - NOW WHAT? Luckily, Dress Barn is a double sided store - meaning it has "normal" sized clothes and plus sized clothes.
The clerk said, "Well, we get a 16 from the other side." My first reaction was ...16?! But then I realized - well, the cut is different,e tc, etc.
And, the 16 fit. It is snug, not tight, on the thighs and hips, but gapping at the waist. I guess I am now resigned to wearing belts all the time because I am a hippy and thighy (nice, made up word) person. And to fit my lovely hips, thighs, and extra skin on my lower tummy, the waist is going to be to large. So, belts it is!
Milestone #3:
I bought a shirt in a size MEDIUM. Holy shit, medium. My mind has been blown lately anyway realizing that my shirts are now a size Large. That is just unfathomable to me. But to need to buy a MEDIUM? I almost started crying right there in the store.
It was kind of funny. I saw the shirt on the wall and thought it was cute, I grabbed a large. When I put it on and was looking in the mirror, it just was wrong. I decided it was the shirt just didn't look good on me. Well, about 5 minutes later it occurred to me that what I hadn't liked is how it hung on my sides. So, I decided to take a change and grabbed a medium. I figured it was a silly thing to do, but what the heck.
I was blown away when it fit.
Since Thursday, life just keeps making me happy. I was telling my mother-in-law how hard it is for me to look in the mirror because I still see the 327 pound fat girl when I look. I know in my head I am not that person any more, but since I have changed gradually and I have been seeing myself the whole time - I seriously do not see the difference unless I compare pictures.
My MIL's response, "Well you need to see it because it's there." or something to that extent. Her point being - I'm not the 327 pound girl any more and I need to see that when I look in the mirror.
THEN, my daughter wanted to go in to Vanity to try on some clothes. I am still looking for some jean capris for this spring so I thought - what the heck, why not try?
OMG - they fit me - and not even the largest size in the store! The problem - evidently people who shop at Vanity like to have their pants nearly showing their butt and have to pull them up all the time. LOL
I could NOT buy them - they were just way too low cut for me...I'm an old lady, now some young one, I like the higher riding pants, please.
But the real point - I could shop in the SAME STORE as my 14 year old daughter. Again, mind blown.
So life is going pretty darn well as I approach my 11 months since surgery date. I would LOVE, LOVE, LOVE it if I could be to goal #3 (187 pounds) and not be obese any longer when I go for my 1 year post surgery appointment in May. THAT would make my day. So, I have a little over a month to get there and 10.8 pounds to lose.
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