I answered quickly...it was success. Then I added how I looked/clothes fit. Then I added how great I have been feeling.
Then I thought about it more. And I added how recently I was visiting a town I used to live in and hadn't been there for over a year. The reaction people had to me was incredible.
Some people did not recognize me at first. One woman told me I was "melting away."
This all made me feel very good, but also made me look in the mirror with new eyes.
When I step on the scale, when I buy clothes - I feel the success I am having. The scale tells me I am nearly 75 pounds lighter than when I started in October. The clothes I am buying - pants a full 5 sizes smaller - show me I really am thinner.
But when I look in the mirror, I still see the same fat girl I have always seen. Yes, I DO see that my face is thinner...but I see the flabby arms, the puckered cellulite of my thighs, and the rolls of my stomach.
Mike tells me that I look thinner - heck, he calls me "shrinking boobs!!" OK - he has only called me that once. But he is right...they are shrinking. But I still see that they are quite large.
I have read and heard that wrapping your brain around your new body is one of the hardest parts of weight loss surgery. I am starting to believe it.
Seeing old friends and "seeing" myself through their eyes granted me the opportunity to look at myself differently, to look in the mirror differently.
In fact, it prompted me to do a side by side picture of me a year ago - the way they saw me last, and me now.
That is me in June 2012 at 327 pounds on the left and me two days ago at 253 pounds on the right.
Honestly, I look at the current picture and I still see the flaws, the areas I want to improve, the areas of fat. But I DO see the difference now. I especially see it in my face - but I see it in my thighs, my stomach, even across my shoulders.
I suppose it is normal, even human, to see the flaws in oneself. I do not know if I will ever look at myself and see thin.
Honestly, even if I reach the doctor's goal of 200 pounds, I will still be technically obese. The goal is a BMI of 30 - that is obese. Yes, obese, not just overweight. I am currently morbidly obese. So it will be a downgrade, that is for sure.
For my height, the target weight is 143. By 164, it is considered HIGH.
My current BMI at 253 pounds is 39.6 - but that is down significantly from the 51.4 I started at in October.
But it's difficult to process that after all this work, after everything I am doing and everything I have done to get where I am, the goal is still obesity.
I know in my HEAD that a BMI of 30 and a weight of 200 pounds is significantly better than a BMI of 51 and weight of 327 pounds.
But in my HEART I still think obese.
The head and the heart are such difficult things, at times, to reconcile. I need to work on having my heart see things the way my head does. I need to work on accepting that even though the "charts" say obese ...it is so much better than where I started. Charts are simply charts - they are not what rule me.
I am healthier, I feel better. I am off all prescription meds for my co-morbidities. The only prescription I still take is for my asthma. THAT is what I need to focus on...I am healthier.
Health is why I started this journey in the first place. Not because I wanted to "win" on the chart. But because I want to be here when my children have children. I want to be able to play with my grandchildren and have fun, not just watch them have fun.
I know that I am being successful, that I am doing wonderful things for myself. The scale and the sizes of my new clothes are concrete ways for me to know that I am making strides.
Wrapping my heart around the new me is proving a little bit more difficult, but I know that I will get there.
In the mean time, my recent visit with old friends has made me look at myself differently. I need to start seeing myself through the eyes of others and see the success that I am having.
I need to focus on the positives and keep moving forward toward a healthier me. THAT is my motivation each day.
Molly, I applaud the milestones you've achieved inside AND outside in the course of this journey. I want to be supportive, and I hope you take the following comment in a way that motivates rather than de-motivates you (because I share it to help you and others know, "you're not alone"): You are dealing with wrapping your brain around a new body times TWO -- those "flabby arms, the puckered cellulite of my thighs, and the rolls of my stomach" come with age, too, I'm afraid to tell you. There's no chiseled hard body underneath the layers of fat of women our age; I haven't been obese, but I have those flaws you describe, too (I'm on a diet, and I'm pretty grumpy about it). ALL of us have to remember and applaud the inner skinny me. I'm so happy you're healthier, and I hope you're happier, too. But you've always been beautiful.
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