I had to see her once before surgery to get psych approval for the surgery. I liked her. She is the person they have us all see, so she is used to talking with weight loss surgery patients.
At my support groups I have heard others talk about how helpful she has been for them. They, the other WLS patients, have encouraged us newbies to utilize her.
So, toward the end of August I was struggling when I look in the mirror. Honestly - it's not the relationship with food that I am struggling with. That is going well. I am eating the right things, I am making good choices and honestly, I don't even want all the "bad" stuff I used to eat.
My problem is when I look in the mirror, I still see the fat girl. I see the rolls and flab. Yes, it's gotten looser, but when I look, THAT is the first thing I see.
So I made the appointment because I want to start accepting my new body and seeing a new me.
The funny part is, my head gets it.
- I am very aware that I now have only like 1 1/2 chins instead of 4-6.
- I am very aware that my face is much thinner.
- I am very aware that my old clothes fall off me (bottoms) or I swim in them (tops).
- I am very aware that my old bras are laughable now.
I am down from a 3X or 4X shirt to a 0X. (yes, for those of you who are not plus sized saavy, that is a size and it is still bigger than a "normal" sized XL.)
I am down from a 30W pant (at my largest) to today's purchase of 18W jeans and dress pants.
I am down from a 46DD bras (again at my largest) to currently a 38DDD. Honestly - this one pisses me off some. Everyone talks about how with WLS they have lost their boobs. PLEASE - can I loose them! Or at least some of them. I had to order in the DDD. They don't carry it in the store. Actually, they don't carry many 38s at all where I shop - becaues most plus sized people need at least a 40. So that part is good. But as my band size goes down, the "girls" jump out of the DD I used to wear. And since I really don't want to look like I have 4 boobs - I had to get the DDD to hold them all in. THAT frustrates me. But...oh well - a small price.
When I started this process last October - I bought 2 belts because I started losing some weight pre-surgery and even though I couldn't go down a size, the pants were getting to where I needed a belt.
Anyway - until today, I had no long pants that fit me. I had one pair that was like 3 sizes too big that I wore last week to the football game. The hilarious part - I grabbed one of my belts - you can see on the belt that when I was wearing it last year I was on the largest or 2nd largest notch. Now on the smallest notch it slides over my hips. So - guess those won't help! LOL
OK - back to my point tonight. When I look in the mirror, I just don't "see" the new me, I see the old me. Last week my therapist said something that really got me to thinking. She asked me if I could imagine being any smaller. My answer - NO. I do not remember wearing size 18 pants. It was so long ago, I simply don't remember it. I don't remember ever weighing 241 pounds.
Her point - maybe my plateau and my making excuses to not exercise are coming from my brain telling me that I am proud of myself, I am happy with the new size and I can't imagine being smaller so this is a safe place to be.
Wow - that gave me a lot to think about. I told her today when I saw her that she was probably right. I am so thrilled with my progress that I am holding myself back.
This weekend I made the decision that I cannot do that any more. I have a goal - that goal is to see 200...or really, I would LOVE to see 199! I would love to hit "onederland"!
I am a goal oriented person. And, as much as I hate to set my goals on what the WLS calls "scale victories" - I have NO WAY to set a goal for a size I would like to hit in clothing because I have no clue what size I will fit into when I hit that goal! So - for now, my goal is a scale-based goal. It is tangible - and I need tangible.
Some of the ideas my food therapist has had is to give myself visuals to help remind myself that I have changed. So tonight I took this picture.
This is the ONE pair of pants from the old me that I kept (30W) and my brand new pair I bought today (18W) that fit perfectly.
Seeing images like that really help me internalize that I am changing.
I was in the dressing room today at the consignment store trying on several pair of jeans and dress pants. I had grabbed all 18s - or so I thought. I was putting on one pair and was freaking out that they were too big - they were 20s. Yes, I saw the size BEFORE putting them on, but figured, what's one size, I'm sure they'll fit. I was shocked when they were truly too big. I never dreamed a pair of 20s would be too big for me.
As is normal for me and pants - I tried on many and bought 2. But hey - I bought 2!! This weekend I plan to do a little more shopping because like I mentioned earlier - except for the 2 I bought today - I have NO long pants and we are getting to long pants weather!!
Like I said, I made a decision this weekend that I WILL start exercising and I WILL reach my goal. I had not shared that with anyone...but tonight, a friend contacted me and said she needs an exercise buddy to help her stay on track. OMG - this is just what I needed. Having someone else exercising with me will hold me accountable - I can't make excuses when I have someone coming over to exercise with me. THIS is exactly what I needed. I am so happy that the "stars aligned" and she needed me as much as I needed her! We start tomorrow. And yes, tomorrow will come - it will not be put off.
Time for some complete honesty now. I LOVE seeing people I haven't seen in a long time. I think that is one of the most motivating things for me. Because they have NOT been looking at me every day. THEY can see the transformation I am making.
Tonight I ran into someone I hadn't seen since about a week after my surgery. She just kept going on about how I looked. This may sound vain - but wow does that feel good. It really helps me take another look at myself and attempt to see what the other person is seeing.
Mike just shakes his head at me sometimes because I tell him I want to keep running into people we haven't seen for awhile. It's not that I am fishing for compliments, it's that I am trying very hard to see myself through the eyes of others. Other eyes that are not jaded with the day to day struggle I have. Other eyes that don't see the rolls and the flab, but instead see the nearly 87 pounds lost. Other eyes that can see that I have lost over 25% of myself.
Mirror, mirror on the wall...thank you for giving me those other eyes to help me see myself as the world sees me. Thank you for giving me a therapist who has some of these "other eyes" and "gets" what I am going through. Thanks for those other eyes that encourage me to look for ways to see the change in myself, like taking the picture I took tonight.
I may struggle with my normal day to day eyes that see the "gumba" in me. (that would be the brown mushrooms in Mario Cart on the Mushroom Gorge race track. They are brown mushrooms toward the finish line. I picture them every time I look at myself unclothed and see my tummy roll hanging. Sad, but true.) Anyway, I may struggle with my self-image and my "normal" eyes. But I am lucky enough that I am finally starting to use those "other eyes" to look at myself. Now if only I can get those to be my normal eyes.
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