So, last Thursday, March 27, 2014 is one of my favorite days. Why?! Well, by 11:30 that morning I had made THREE major milestones.
Milestone #1:
I made it to what the weight loss community calls "onederland" - in otherwords - I no longer weigh over 200 pounds. My scale that morning said 199.8. Yes, barely onederland, but onederland all the same.
This was my 2nd post surgery goal, so I am thrilled. I am moving on to my 3rd post surgery goal which is to be "overweight" instead of obese - that means getting to 187 pounds. So, I have updated my marble jars so that I can "see" my next goal. And as of this morning - I was 197.8 so life is good!
Milestone #2:
I bought my first pair of pants with NO W after the number. In other words, normal old pants, not plus sized or women's sized pants.
At first I was a little bummed by the number, but hey, it's progress. Why was I bugged? Well, my jeans that fit right now are a 14W. I tried on some capris in a 14W and they were too big. So I asked the clerk - NOW WHAT? Luckily, Dress Barn is a double sided store - meaning it has "normal" sized clothes and plus sized clothes.
The clerk said, "Well, we get a 16 from the other side." My first reaction was ...16?! But then I realized - well, the cut is different,e tc, etc.
And, the 16 fit. It is snug, not tight, on the thighs and hips, but gapping at the waist. I guess I am now resigned to wearing belts all the time because I am a hippy and thighy (nice, made up word) person. And to fit my lovely hips, thighs, and extra skin on my lower tummy, the waist is going to be to large. So, belts it is!
Milestone #3:
I bought a shirt in a size MEDIUM. Holy shit, medium. My mind has been blown lately anyway realizing that my shirts are now a size Large. That is just unfathomable to me. But to need to buy a MEDIUM? I almost started crying right there in the store.
It was kind of funny. I saw the shirt on the wall and thought it was cute, I grabbed a large. When I put it on and was looking in the mirror, it just was wrong. I decided it was the shirt just didn't look good on me. Well, about 5 minutes later it occurred to me that what I hadn't liked is how it hung on my sides. So, I decided to take a change and grabbed a medium. I figured it was a silly thing to do, but what the heck.
I was blown away when it fit.
Since Thursday, life just keeps making me happy. I was telling my mother-in-law how hard it is for me to look in the mirror because I still see the 327 pound fat girl when I look. I know in my head I am not that person any more, but since I have changed gradually and I have been seeing myself the whole time - I seriously do not see the difference unless I compare pictures.
My MIL's response, "Well you need to see it because it's there." or something to that extent. Her point being - I'm not the 327 pound girl any more and I need to see that when I look in the mirror.
THEN, my daughter wanted to go in to Vanity to try on some clothes. I am still looking for some jean capris for this spring so I thought - what the heck, why not try?
OMG - they fit me - and not even the largest size in the store! The problem - evidently people who shop at Vanity like to have their pants nearly showing their butt and have to pull them up all the time. LOL
I could NOT buy them - they were just way too low cut for me...I'm an old lady, now some young one, I like the higher riding pants, please.
But the real point - I could shop in the SAME STORE as my 14 year old daughter. Again, mind blown.
So life is going pretty darn well as I approach my 11 months since surgery date. I would LOVE, LOVE, LOVE it if I could be to goal #3 (187 pounds) and not be obese any longer when I go for my 1 year post surgery appointment in May. THAT would make my day. So, I have a little over a month to get there and 10.8 pounds to lose.
Monday, March 31, 2014
Monday, March 10, 2014
10 Month Surgiversary
This past Friday marked 10 months since my Gastric Bypass (RNY) surgery.
They have been 10 amazing months. Amazing for many reasons: good and bad.
I'll start with the bad - because I don't want to dwell on them.
They have been 10 amazing months. Amazing for many reasons: good and bad.
I'll start with the bad - because I don't want to dwell on them.
- still, 10 months out, I don't always know what food will sit well and what food will make me sick. It's kind of a "crap shoot". The unfortunate part is that one day a food can be great and the next time I eat it, it makes me sick. I would worry, but the support sites I belong to on-line have shown me that I am not alone in this.
- Food apathy. NEVER would I have guessed that I would go from being a food addict to being food apathetic. But seriously - much of the time I have to remind myself to eat. And when I am hungry, nothing ever sounds good. I used to get excited about going out to eat - I still enjoy going out but the eating part, I really could not care less. Eating has become something I MUST do, something my body needs, so I do it...but food no longer is something I look forward to.
- Because of the food apathy I have learned that I need to find something that works, something I like to eat, and eat it all the time. yes, I tend to eat the same thing every single day. BORING. But, it stays down, I stay feeling good.
- Protein - who knew it would be so difficult to get all the protein in that I am supposed to have each day. Especially when nothing ever sounds good. My dietitian really stresses and pushes EATING the protein, not using protein bars or protein shakes. Well - if I don't do a protein shake, I simply do not get enough protein in.
- Carbs - OMG - I still crave carbs and that stinks. Yes, although I am food apathetic, there is still that urge to munch at times. I work really hard to not munch and mindlessly eat. But when I do allow a snack or munch - my body says "give me carbs" - bad, bad bad. This did not really start until December and since then I am trying really hard to break the carb cycle and get them OUT.
- Stalls - Losing weight the first few months was easy..,.it seemed to just melt off. It is MUCH slower now...MUCH. But it is still slowly coming off. I need to remember it is coming off much more than it was a year ago. So - I keep plugging away.
Honestly - I put these in the "bad" category - but they really are not bad. They are a bother, a pain, an obstacle, but really are not problems or complications. I have been truly fortunate. I had ZERO complications from my surgery. I have had no complications from the surgery over the last 10 months. As far as the surgery goes - I have been a dream. The "bad" things are more of me adjusting to the new life I have.
So, on to the good:
- Health - wow...when I really think about this, it amazes me. Before surgery I had high blood pressure, gastric reflux, sleep apnea, joint pain, and holy heck stairs were hell on me. Since surgery...Blood Pressure meds gone since 1 week after surgery, reflux meds gone 1 month after surgery. Sleep Apnea - I had to stop using the machine toward the end of summer because it actually made me hurt. In January I finally had a new sleep study and it shows that I no longer need the CPap machine. Joints - other than periodic pains from exercising and such - they are virtually gone. Stairs - well, I actually choose to take them sometimes when I have the option of stairs vs. elevator. Why not!
- Stairs - just a side note. Last week our surgery support group met and our speaker was an orthopedic surgeon. He was talking about obesity and the joints, mostly knees. He told us a figure that I had not heard before...He said when we go up stairs - we are putting 5 times our body weigh on our knees, going down stairs it is 7 times. So - I have lost 125 pounds, that means when I go down stairs I am putting 875 fewer pounds of weight/pressure on my knees with each step. 875 pounds. That is completely unreal to me. I looked at the doctor and said, "NO WONDER stairs were hell!"
- Self Image - this may sound petty but I feel so much better about myself. I look in the mirror and I am finally able to see that I have lost 125 pounds. It has taken me most of these 10 months to get to this point. For most of the last 10 months I looked in the mirror and still saw the 327 pound fat girl. I still struggle with this, but I am FINALLY seeing the new me (at least a little) when I look in the mirror. INfact, I have kind of become a mirror aholic! LOL I actually enjoy looking in the mirror now.
- Exercise - I can't say I enjoy it necessarily, but I don't hate it and THAT is progress. I feel guilty when I do not get to the gym. I am learning to push myself and strive to do more/be better each time I am there.
- Will Power - I finally have some of this when it comes to food and sweets. I have learned to take a bit or two of a dessert instead of 1-2 pieces of dessert. I can eat a few bites of Mike's dessert and be satisfied. There have been 4 boxes of Girl Scout cookies in my house for a few weeks - they seriously do not even tempt me. THAT is unreal to me. The food apathy helps in that way - so even though I listed it as a bad - I try to see the good parts of it and use it to help me.
- Energy - People have always said I have lots of energy. Often that was because I made sure to have that energy when I was in public - privately I could have none. Well now - it's not something I have to try to do, something I have to think about - I just seriously have more energy all the time. Infact, I feel old, I am waking up earlier and going to bed earlier - that's what OLD people do. I wake up sometimes at 3:00am and have to read or soemthing for an hour before I can go back to sleep. And when I wake up in the morning I don't feel horrible, I can still get up!
- Horizontal Stripes - this is odd, for my whole life I have completely stayed away from clothing with horizontal stripes - they accentuate your width - and I wanted to hide my width. Now - they are my favorite thing to wear. I have many shirts with black and white horizontal stripes, some with other colors, but most of them are black and white. (don't worry, they are all different!) But I love the way I look in them now. It accentuates my smaller waist. They show off that I have a figure, I have curves...and the curves are in the right places!!
Way back last May I had my pre-op appointment with the surgeon and the PA. At that meeting the PA set a 1 year goal for me - the weight he wanted me to achieve by May 7, 2014. I am thrilled to say that at the 10 month point, I am only 2 pounds away from that doctor set goal. MY goal, however is 15 pounds away. The doctor set my goal to be a BMI of 30. Which is down 22 from where I started with a BMI of 52. As much as that thrills me....a BMI of 30 is still considered obese. I have not come this far to still be obese.
So, I set my goal to be overweight. It's kind of funny when you say to someone, "The goal I am striving for is to finally be overweight!" It makes people look at you a little oddly. But I started with such a high BMI and was morbidly obese. At least now I am simply obese, no more morbidly before it. But that just is not good enough for me. I want to at least be overweight! And I know that if I keep working at this and doing what I need to do - I can achieve that goal. And then, if I really, really work hard - I can maybe...MAYBE get to "normal". But I have decided that I have to agree to be happy with getting to overweight and maintaining that. Sure, I might be able to push really hard and get to "normal" but would I be able to maintain that? I do NOT want to get down and then start re-gaining the weight - that can just be a train wreck.
I need to keep things real, I need to remember where I came from and all that I have achieved in the past 10 months. I was given a gift... a tool to use to help me finally find the Molly that was hidden inside, "theinnerskinnyme"! She was really in there and I am finding her. Doing this surgery and adjusting to my new lifestyle has been FAR from easy and will remain FAR from easy for the rest of my life. But I would not change it for the world. Other than picking my amazing husband, deciding to have this surgery is the best decision I have ever made for myself. I am thankful every single day for the tool I have to help me do this.
I am excited to see what the next 10 months bring!
Thursday, January 9, 2014
Numbers...numbers...numbers
I have said it a bazillion times...."numbers are NOT important" "numbers do NOT define me"
That said, I was playing with numbers last night and was incredibly WOWED by what I figured out.
15 months ago I started my journey at a weight of 327 pounds
My BMI was 52
The doctor says that to be "normal" on the BMI charts I should be 155 pound
That means my EXCESS weight was 172 pounds
That overwhelmed me. Now granted - he did NOT say that I needed to get to that 155 pounds, he was just telling me what my excess weight was according to the charts.
RNY surgery, the one I had, averages 65% of excess weight lost. Now I think that is a 1-2 year average - like when you "level off" and maintain a weight. So that would put me at losing 114 pounds total and having my ending weight be 213.
Well guess what - I have BEAT that. Yes, I am currently at 210 pounds I have lost 117 pounds and I am 8 months out from surgery.
Last night I figured it out - that is 68% of my excess weight.
OMG - I have BEAT the average and I am 8 months out from surgery and not done losing weight. OMG, OMG, OMG.
This made me do a happy dance last night.
More numbers....
Starting Now Next Goal
Weight 327 210 199
BMI 52 33.7 31.6
Shirt Size 3X to 4X L
Pant Size 28W or 30 W 14W
Bra Size 44 DD 38 DDD (yes, larger cup to cram em in)
Underwear Size 13 10
These are simply amazing to me.
I say "next goal" because, as I posted in an earlier entry, I need smaller, attainable goals or I get frustrated and give up. I mean seriously - if the doctor had said, "Lose 117 pounds." I would have given up. That was SO out of reach, so overwhelming, I would have freaked.
But the doctor set my goal as 10 pounds a month. Now THAT is doable. I use my surgery, my TOOL, to help me. And I use my new healthier life style to assist my tool. Better food choices, exercise...a healthier me.
My doctor set my "goal weight" at 200 pounds. But I have two big problems with that.
1) It starts with a 2! I want to start with a 1! Thus my next goal of 199 pounds, NOT 200.
2) That still has me with a BMI of 31.8 which is "obese"
I REALLY want to no longer be classified as obese. I was morbidly obese, or worse, to start. I think like Obese Class 3. I am now Obese Class 1. And at 200, even 199, I am still obese. So 199 is the next goal.
THEN, I will set a new goal. And that goal is to get to "overweight" instead of obese. To do that I have to have a BMI of 29.9 or lower. THAT is 188 pounds.
To after I reach 199 pounds - my next goal will be 11 short pounds away at 188.
Might sound silly to be striving to be overweight! But seriously, I would LOVE to be overweight. I have not been overweight since high school. I know that in college I weighed 200 pounds. (I really do not know why I know that, but I remember being 200 pounds in college.)
Here are my goals for myself - both achieved and future:
Goal #1 - lose 10% of my starting weight before surgery.........accomplished!
Goal #2 - to survive the first weeks after surgery (they are tough)......accomplished!
Goal #3 - to lose 100 pounds........................accomplished 10/26/2013
Goal #4 - to weigh 199.................in progress, 11 pounds to go
Goal #5 - to be "overweight" instead of "obese" - weigh 188 pounds.............future
Goal #6 - To weigh 175 (because I need small goals and that would be 13 pounds)............future
Goal #7 - to weigh 160 pounds.................set this to be accomplished by May 7, 2015 (2 yrs from surgery)
Goal #8 - IF I can get there - to weigh 155 and be "normal"................TBD
If you had told me a year ago that I would have lost 68% of my excess body weight - I would have laughed in your face. That is a BIG number and I would never have believed it was possible. But I have, I am there. It makes all my other goals seem reachable, like something I CAN accomplish with a lot of hard work.
I was reminded today of how some people say surgery is taking the "easy way out" - This journey has been anything but easy. It started as a daily struggle to curb my old habits and to learn new ones...new healthier eating habits. AND to stick to them even though my stomach was still huge and told me I was starving every day. Then the surgery itself - ha, that is most certainly not easy. Just google RNY surgery and look at the pictures of what they do. NOT easy. For the last 8 months now, navigating eating with my new pouch (stomach). Some days it will have nothing to do with any food or it will make me sick. Other days it wants food constantly. NOT easy trying to maintain a steady diet.
Numbers.....numbers.....numbers. They may only be a number, but our lives are ruled by them. I have decided to not let numbers control my feelings about myself, but that does not mean that I do not strive for a different number.
Ultimately - I do not strive for that number BECAUSE of the number. I strive for that number because it means I have made a change in my life that has made me a much healthier person. I strive for that number because it means being the healthiest I can be. Health is the goal....NOT a number. (But those darn numbers are still there and how we measure our progress!)
That said, I was playing with numbers last night and was incredibly WOWED by what I figured out.
15 months ago I started my journey at a weight of 327 pounds
My BMI was 52
The doctor says that to be "normal" on the BMI charts I should be 155 pound
That means my EXCESS weight was 172 pounds
That overwhelmed me. Now granted - he did NOT say that I needed to get to that 155 pounds, he was just telling me what my excess weight was according to the charts.
RNY surgery, the one I had, averages 65% of excess weight lost. Now I think that is a 1-2 year average - like when you "level off" and maintain a weight. So that would put me at losing 114 pounds total and having my ending weight be 213.
Well guess what - I have BEAT that. Yes, I am currently at 210 pounds I have lost 117 pounds and I am 8 months out from surgery.
Last night I figured it out - that is 68% of my excess weight.
OMG - I have BEAT the average and I am 8 months out from surgery and not done losing weight. OMG, OMG, OMG.
This made me do a happy dance last night.
More numbers....
Starting Now Next Goal
Weight 327 210 199
BMI 52 33.7 31.6
Shirt Size 3X to 4X L
Pant Size 28W or 30 W 14W
Bra Size 44 DD 38 DDD (yes, larger cup to cram em in)
Underwear Size 13 10
These are simply amazing to me.
I say "next goal" because, as I posted in an earlier entry, I need smaller, attainable goals or I get frustrated and give up. I mean seriously - if the doctor had said, "Lose 117 pounds." I would have given up. That was SO out of reach, so overwhelming, I would have freaked.
But the doctor set my goal as 10 pounds a month. Now THAT is doable. I use my surgery, my TOOL, to help me. And I use my new healthier life style to assist my tool. Better food choices, exercise...a healthier me.
My doctor set my "goal weight" at 200 pounds. But I have two big problems with that.
1) It starts with a 2! I want to start with a 1! Thus my next goal of 199 pounds, NOT 200.
2) That still has me with a BMI of 31.8 which is "obese"
I REALLY want to no longer be classified as obese. I was morbidly obese, or worse, to start. I think like Obese Class 3. I am now Obese Class 1. And at 200, even 199, I am still obese. So 199 is the next goal.
THEN, I will set a new goal. And that goal is to get to "overweight" instead of obese. To do that I have to have a BMI of 29.9 or lower. THAT is 188 pounds.
To after I reach 199 pounds - my next goal will be 11 short pounds away at 188.
Might sound silly to be striving to be overweight! But seriously, I would LOVE to be overweight. I have not been overweight since high school. I know that in college I weighed 200 pounds. (I really do not know why I know that, but I remember being 200 pounds in college.)
Here are my goals for myself - both achieved and future:
Goal #1 - lose 10% of my starting weight before surgery.........accomplished!
Goal #2 - to survive the first weeks after surgery (they are tough)......accomplished!
Goal #3 - to lose 100 pounds........................accomplished 10/26/2013
Goal #4 - to weigh 199.................in progress, 11 pounds to go
Goal #5 - to be "overweight" instead of "obese" - weigh 188 pounds.............future
Goal #6 - To weigh 175 (because I need small goals and that would be 13 pounds)............future
Goal #7 - to weigh 160 pounds.................set this to be accomplished by May 7, 2015 (2 yrs from surgery)
Goal #8 - IF I can get there - to weigh 155 and be "normal"................TBD
If you had told me a year ago that I would have lost 68% of my excess body weight - I would have laughed in your face. That is a BIG number and I would never have believed it was possible. But I have, I am there. It makes all my other goals seem reachable, like something I CAN accomplish with a lot of hard work.
I was reminded today of how some people say surgery is taking the "easy way out" - This journey has been anything but easy. It started as a daily struggle to curb my old habits and to learn new ones...new healthier eating habits. AND to stick to them even though my stomach was still huge and told me I was starving every day. Then the surgery itself - ha, that is most certainly not easy. Just google RNY surgery and look at the pictures of what they do. NOT easy. For the last 8 months now, navigating eating with my new pouch (stomach). Some days it will have nothing to do with any food or it will make me sick. Other days it wants food constantly. NOT easy trying to maintain a steady diet.
Numbers.....numbers.....numbers. They may only be a number, but our lives are ruled by them. I have decided to not let numbers control my feelings about myself, but that does not mean that I do not strive for a different number.
Ultimately - I do not strive for that number BECAUSE of the number. I strive for that number because it means I have made a change in my life that has made me a much healthier person. I strive for that number because it means being the healthiest I can be. Health is the goal....NOT a number. (But those darn numbers are still there and how we measure our progress!)
Thursday, October 31, 2013
MAJOR milestone
This past week I reached a major milestone....I reached the 100# mark. I officially have lost 100 pounds since I started this journey.
Some people would say it is only 70 since I lost 30 of it before surgery. But I started keeping track on October 11, 2012. So in just over a year, I lost 100 pounds.
Now on to goal #2, that is to weigh less than 200 pounds. So my goal is set to weigh 199. That is 28 more pounds from where I was when I reached goal #1.
To help myself with these goals, I followed my surgery buddy's idea of marbles in jars. One jar for pounds to lose and the other for pounds lost. Here is a picture of my current marbles.
Some people would say it is only 70 since I lost 30 of it before surgery. But I started keeping track on October 11, 2012. So in just over a year, I lost 100 pounds.
Now on to goal #2, that is to weigh less than 200 pounds. So my goal is set to weigh 199. That is 28 more pounds from where I was when I reached goal #1.
To help myself with these goals, I followed my surgery buddy's idea of marbles in jars. One jar for pounds to lose and the other for pounds lost. Here is a picture of my current marbles.
The vase on the right has 101 marbles, the one on the left has 27.
My goal is to hit 199 by about February 1. That is "around" 10 pounds a month which is reasonable and attainable.
I purposely have not put all my marbles in at once because I want my goals to be attainable, not overwhelming. 199 is NOT where I want to end up - I have more goals. I am still technically "obese" at 199 pounds. I have spent my entire adult life being obese or morbidly obese. I would love to simply be "overweight". In my DREAMS I could get to 'Normal" - but right now my goal is "overweight." When I get there, we will see if I set goals to lose more or to maintain. The number or the classification isn't everything - the biggest part is how I feel.
So, the plan was to celebrate reaching this first, HUGE, milestone. I tried to figure out what to do to celebrate. I decided on a trip for just me and Mike - a long weekend kind of trip. I have been researching where to go and prices, just waiting to reach the milestone and then set a date and book the trip.
Here arrives the stumbling block....2 weeks ago I discovered I have a uterine prolapse. NOT something I ever even knew could happen. But yep, believe it or not, it is possible for your uterus to try to escape your body!
So, got in to see the specialists today to find out the next course of action. I knew the answer, but no one had said it out loud for certain until today. The answer is a hysterectomy.
Today I saw the OB/GYN and the Urologist who will do the surgery. Yep - I am so special, I get TWO surgeons! The OB/GYN will do the hysterectomy and then the Urologist will do the repairs to the front of the vaginal wall and make sure the bladder is supported well.
At the end of the appointment, they checked their calendars and set the surgery date: December 9. When they told me I started to laugh - that is my birthday! So for my birthday, I am getting a hysterectomy!
Not the best birthday gift in the world - but, I will survive. I'd rather do it then than have to wait even longer!
So - thought I should also post more current side by side picture of a before and after.
The following pics were taken in March of 2013...I was about 307 pounds. Really not sure why I didn't smile that day! The second picture was taken recently and I am at 230 pounds. (Not quite the 100 pounds gone at that point - but the most recent picture I have!)
Saturday, October 12, 2013
One Year Ago Today
One year ago today, October 11, 2012, I started my weight loss journey.
October 11, 2012 - the day had arrived, I started meeting with my weight loss team of doctors and nurses and dietitian. It was a LONG day. I met with the coordinator of the bariatric program, I met with the surgeon himself, I met with the PA with the surgeon separately, then we watched a 90 minute power point about surgery and all it entails, then we met with the dietitian for a good hour.
It was an overwhelming day, to say the least. But it was a day that started me on my journey to where I am now, 87 pounds lighter than I was one year ago today!!!
I cannot tell you how thankful I am for the people I met that day and the gift they have given me by helping me in my journey. I could not have done it without them and their fabulous help.
And they continue to help because there are monthly support groups. These groups are awesome. Once a month any WLS patients or people considering surgery or in the process of getting to surgery are welcome. They bring in speakers most months to discuss different things. We have had a plastic surgeon there to talk about reconstructive surgery post weight loss....abdominalplasty, thighs, arms (bat wings) and breasts. All to remove the excess skin that results after significant weight loss.
One month we had the Fellow with the department talk to us about indicators of success and failure - in otherwords, what can you do BEFORE surgery and after surgery to ensure success and what can you do that will screw it up. THAT was one of the more important meetings for me because I still needed to lose 10 pounds at that point to get to where studies have shown you have a greater chance of long term success. That meeting jump started me and I did it by the next time I was in to see them - one month later.
The dietitian comes sometimes - that's up next month!
We had a psychologist there to lead discussion on goal setting.
But more than all these speakers that come and talk with us - it's getting a chance to talk with other WLS patients and compare stories, ask for help, ask for advice, give advice, get encouragement, give encouragement, etc. It is the only place I go where I know everyone there understands what I have been through, what I will go through and the emotions that go along with the whole process.
It's a fabulous place where I am meeting new people! I have what I call my surgery buddy who I see there. She had surgery the same day I did. Infact, she was right after me. She gives me a hard time that because my surgery took longer than they thought (my ribs are small and they had to work around them!)...anyway because I took longer - her surgery bumped back a couple hours. So she razzes me about having to wait for me! LOL
But she and I have developed a friendship, encouraging each other and someone to talk to about what we are going through and the emotions, struggles, feelings of it all. We email each other most days, chat on facebook, whatever works. It is a great relationship.
And funnily enough, we both scowl (inside) at the man at support group who had surgery exactly one month after we did and has lost a LOT more weight then either of us have. WE have to remind eachother that HE is a MAN and men lose weight more easily, usually. Honestly, we are extremely happy for him - just a bit jealous!
So, here are "the numbers" from October 11, 2012 to October 11, 2013...
Weight: 327 to 239 (88 pounds lost)
Pant Size: 30W to 16W (that's SEVEN pant sizes)
Shirt Size: 4X to 0X (that's 4 shirt sizes)
Underwear: (I know, what an odd thing - but when your underwear is falling down....) 13 to 11 - I should probably even go to 10, but well, they aren't falling down, so why buy new ones again?!?!
Bra: 44DD to 38DDD (wish the cup size would have stayed DD or gone down, but as you lose band size, the cups get smaller and I need the larger cup to stuff it all in! It's weird how empty they are now. Just bags of skin.)
Things you cannot measure by a number:
Health - no more blood pressure medicine, no more acid reflux medicine. The only prescriptions I take now are for my asthma and my antidepressant.
Joint Pain - SO much better
Lower Back Pain - SO much better
Health again - I feel great and my co morbidities are dwindling!
Energy - believe it or not, by getting caffeine out of my diet I have TONS more energy. And, being 88 pounds lighter, I have more energy for moving around and being active
Self Confidence - In some ways up, in others, the same. This is due to me looking in the mirror and still seeing the "fat girl" I have always been. I am working on this continually, but this is one I am looking forward to improving more and more.
Stress Level - wow, it has gone down. It's amazing what feeling good can do to stress levels.
Pride - in myself, that is - through the roof. This has been one heck of a year's journey. It has been probably one of the hardest years of my life. Why? Because this is NOT an easy road I chose. Preparing for surgery, having surgery and life after surgery is NOT a walk in the park. It is a tool to HELP you lose weight, but it is NOT a magical thing that just takes off tons of weight and you do nothing. It is a TON of work and FAR from easy. I am proud of myself for not getting scared off when it started to get really tough before surgery. This is THE BEST thing I have ever done for myself.
I think I could go on and on about the whole process and what I have been through.
I have set goals for myself so that I keep moving in the direction I want.
Goal #1 - lose 12 more pounds to hit 100# lost - when I do this, Mike and I are taking a long weekend away as my "reward" to myself for this HUGE milestone!
Goal #2 - to make exercise MORE of my routine. This is going to be a tough one for me. I really do NOT enjoy working out and exercising. But I am determined to be healthier (and to reach Goal #1 and #3 and #4, etc) So I WILL figure out a way to make it more prevalent.
Goal #3 - to hit 200 pounds. This is the goal that the PA I see when I go back for follow up visits has set for me as my "goal weight". I, however, do not like this number as it will still classify me as obese. I would like to AT LEAST get to over weight instead of obese. Which leads me to my long term goal...
Goal #4 - to get to "over weight" instead of obese - I believe this would mean getting to 185 pounds.
In my heart, I would love to get to a "normal" weight...but the 4 goals I have already are going to be hard to reach and take a lot of work. I do not want to set myself up for failure by setting an unreasonable goal.
I already worry with my Goal #4 - can I get there or am I just going to feel badly about myself?
That is why I broke them up...I didn't go striaght to I want to be 185. I am giving myself stepping stones to get to my end goal. I am hoping that this approach will help me reach my goals.
My surgery buddy emailed me a great idea yesterday. She read somewhere about having two glass jars or containers (or plastic, but see through). One labeled pounds lost and one labeled pounds to lose. Then you put marbles in. When you lose a pound, you move a marble. A GREAT visual to see that you ARE making progress, no matter how slowly.
We both decided that we put marbles in the pounds lost jar for the weight we have already lost. So in my jar I would put 88 marbles to represent what I have already lost. Then in my Pounds to Lose jar I would put 54 marbles.
However, I am thinking of putting those 54 marbles in one goal at a time. So first I will put 12 marbles in that jar to represent goal #1. Once that is reached I will put 27 marbles in to represent goal #3, and then finally put in 15 marbles to represent goal #4. And then WHEN I get there, I can make new goals to get me to a "normal" weight if that is still what I want to do.
Thank you for following me this past year as I have made this journey, and I hope you will continue to follow me as I reach to make my goals and continue toward the Inner Skinny Me.
October 11, 2012 - the day had arrived, I started meeting with my weight loss team of doctors and nurses and dietitian. It was a LONG day. I met with the coordinator of the bariatric program, I met with the surgeon himself, I met with the PA with the surgeon separately, then we watched a 90 minute power point about surgery and all it entails, then we met with the dietitian for a good hour.
It was an overwhelming day, to say the least. But it was a day that started me on my journey to where I am now, 87 pounds lighter than I was one year ago today!!!
I cannot tell you how thankful I am for the people I met that day and the gift they have given me by helping me in my journey. I could not have done it without them and their fabulous help.
And they continue to help because there are monthly support groups. These groups are awesome. Once a month any WLS patients or people considering surgery or in the process of getting to surgery are welcome. They bring in speakers most months to discuss different things. We have had a plastic surgeon there to talk about reconstructive surgery post weight loss....abdominalplasty, thighs, arms (bat wings) and breasts. All to remove the excess skin that results after significant weight loss.
One month we had the Fellow with the department talk to us about indicators of success and failure - in otherwords, what can you do BEFORE surgery and after surgery to ensure success and what can you do that will screw it up. THAT was one of the more important meetings for me because I still needed to lose 10 pounds at that point to get to where studies have shown you have a greater chance of long term success. That meeting jump started me and I did it by the next time I was in to see them - one month later.
The dietitian comes sometimes - that's up next month!
We had a psychologist there to lead discussion on goal setting.
But more than all these speakers that come and talk with us - it's getting a chance to talk with other WLS patients and compare stories, ask for help, ask for advice, give advice, get encouragement, give encouragement, etc. It is the only place I go where I know everyone there understands what I have been through, what I will go through and the emotions that go along with the whole process.
It's a fabulous place where I am meeting new people! I have what I call my surgery buddy who I see there. She had surgery the same day I did. Infact, she was right after me. She gives me a hard time that because my surgery took longer than they thought (my ribs are small and they had to work around them!)...anyway because I took longer - her surgery bumped back a couple hours. So she razzes me about having to wait for me! LOL
But she and I have developed a friendship, encouraging each other and someone to talk to about what we are going through and the emotions, struggles, feelings of it all. We email each other most days, chat on facebook, whatever works. It is a great relationship.
And funnily enough, we both scowl (inside) at the man at support group who had surgery exactly one month after we did and has lost a LOT more weight then either of us have. WE have to remind eachother that HE is a MAN and men lose weight more easily, usually. Honestly, we are extremely happy for him - just a bit jealous!
So, here are "the numbers" from October 11, 2012 to October 11, 2013...
Weight: 327 to 239 (88 pounds lost)
Pant Size: 30W to 16W (that's SEVEN pant sizes)
Shirt Size: 4X to 0X (that's 4 shirt sizes)
Underwear: (I know, what an odd thing - but when your underwear is falling down....) 13 to 11 - I should probably even go to 10, but well, they aren't falling down, so why buy new ones again?!?!
Bra: 44DD to 38DDD (wish the cup size would have stayed DD or gone down, but as you lose band size, the cups get smaller and I need the larger cup to stuff it all in! It's weird how empty they are now. Just bags of skin.)
Things you cannot measure by a number:
Health - no more blood pressure medicine, no more acid reflux medicine. The only prescriptions I take now are for my asthma and my antidepressant.
Joint Pain - SO much better
Lower Back Pain - SO much better
Health again - I feel great and my co morbidities are dwindling!
Energy - believe it or not, by getting caffeine out of my diet I have TONS more energy. And, being 88 pounds lighter, I have more energy for moving around and being active
Self Confidence - In some ways up, in others, the same. This is due to me looking in the mirror and still seeing the "fat girl" I have always been. I am working on this continually, but this is one I am looking forward to improving more and more.
Stress Level - wow, it has gone down. It's amazing what feeling good can do to stress levels.
Pride - in myself, that is - through the roof. This has been one heck of a year's journey. It has been probably one of the hardest years of my life. Why? Because this is NOT an easy road I chose. Preparing for surgery, having surgery and life after surgery is NOT a walk in the park. It is a tool to HELP you lose weight, but it is NOT a magical thing that just takes off tons of weight and you do nothing. It is a TON of work and FAR from easy. I am proud of myself for not getting scared off when it started to get really tough before surgery. This is THE BEST thing I have ever done for myself.
I think I could go on and on about the whole process and what I have been through.
I have set goals for myself so that I keep moving in the direction I want.
Goal #1 - lose 12 more pounds to hit 100# lost - when I do this, Mike and I are taking a long weekend away as my "reward" to myself for this HUGE milestone!
Goal #2 - to make exercise MORE of my routine. This is going to be a tough one for me. I really do NOT enjoy working out and exercising. But I am determined to be healthier (and to reach Goal #1 and #3 and #4, etc) So I WILL figure out a way to make it more prevalent.
Goal #3 - to hit 200 pounds. This is the goal that the PA I see when I go back for follow up visits has set for me as my "goal weight". I, however, do not like this number as it will still classify me as obese. I would like to AT LEAST get to over weight instead of obese. Which leads me to my long term goal...
Goal #4 - to get to "over weight" instead of obese - I believe this would mean getting to 185 pounds.
In my heart, I would love to get to a "normal" weight...but the 4 goals I have already are going to be hard to reach and take a lot of work. I do not want to set myself up for failure by setting an unreasonable goal.
I already worry with my Goal #4 - can I get there or am I just going to feel badly about myself?
That is why I broke them up...I didn't go striaght to I want to be 185. I am giving myself stepping stones to get to my end goal. I am hoping that this approach will help me reach my goals.
My surgery buddy emailed me a great idea yesterday. She read somewhere about having two glass jars or containers (or plastic, but see through). One labeled pounds lost and one labeled pounds to lose. Then you put marbles in. When you lose a pound, you move a marble. A GREAT visual to see that you ARE making progress, no matter how slowly.
We both decided that we put marbles in the pounds lost jar for the weight we have already lost. So in my jar I would put 88 marbles to represent what I have already lost. Then in my Pounds to Lose jar I would put 54 marbles.
However, I am thinking of putting those 54 marbles in one goal at a time. So first I will put 12 marbles in that jar to represent goal #1. Once that is reached I will put 27 marbles in to represent goal #3, and then finally put in 15 marbles to represent goal #4. And then WHEN I get there, I can make new goals to get me to a "normal" weight if that is still what I want to do.
Thank you for following me this past year as I have made this journey, and I hope you will continue to follow me as I reach to make my goals and continue toward the Inner Skinny Me.
Saturday, September 28, 2013
To my students, past, present and future...
Have you seen the e-card that goes around on facebook that says,
"I wish I was as fat as when I first thought I was fat!"
I have seen that many times and each time it rings so true. Our self-images can be so skewed. Helped along with our society's view on weight.
I'm not sure if I have told you this before or not, but in high school I was called "Moose" by a boy who was in the grade ahead of me. Ironically, or maybe not so ironic, he was heavy as well.
Tonight I was looking through pictures for Maggie. She needed a picture of my grandfather. I found the picture she needed, but as I was doing so, I found my HS scrapbooks. I called Maggie in to see some of the picture of when I was a freshman like she is now.
We were looking at some of the pictures and I realized - I may have been heavy, but I certainly wasn't obese then. Where did that boy get off making fun of me and calling me names?!
I'm sure he does not realize what that did to me - what effect that had on me. One would hope it would have the effect of making you want to lose weight to "show him" how wrong he was. Unfortunately, I turned to food for comfort and ...well... got larger.
I remember a friend said to me once, "You have such a pretty face, it's a shame you are so heavy." Again, a male. I am sure he has no memory of saying that to me - but I sure do...I can remember where we were standing. I can see the image in my head very clearly. Why? Because to have a friend say that to me cut through my heart.
It truly is amazing the effect a few words can have on a person. The LONG LASTING effect those words can have. I'm almost 45 years old - those things were said to me when I was 16-19 years old. I have never forgotten them - they have been a HUGE part of shaping my self-image. Maybe if someone had been complimenting me on how I looked it would have off set it?! And yes, my family did - but family doesn't count! They have to be nice to you! LOL
Maggie was looking at my prom pictures from 10th grade. I remember that dress was size 13. Seriously - size 13 and they were calling me names for my weight.
Yes, I realize it wasn't a size 0, I was not a person with the "ideal" body. But was it really necessary to make me feel horrible about myself - so horrible I wanted to never be in school. I HATED school. Not the classes - all the rest of it.
It's why I became a teacher - the way kids treat each other.
I don't think I'm an especially great actress - I don't hide it well when I am upset or sad or depressed. Can I fake it and act happy - yes, for the short term, and when in a conversation with people. But sitting in class, I was just "there" - pretty much going through the steps, waiting to go home.
Wouldn't it have been nice if just one teacher asked me if I was okay? If one teacher noticed that I was detached? If one teacher had showed me I mattered?
Luckily school was not difficult for me and my detached attitude during class did not affect my grades. So I learned that getting good grades got the teacher's attention and they would acknowledge me for them. But what I craved - what I NEEDED - was a teacher to notice ME.
Don't get me wrong - some of you reading this are former teachers of mine - I had great teachers. I learned a lot and was prepared for college and the world. But I didn't feel cared for as a person, just as a student in class.
Like I said, it's why I became a teacher. I have always said, "If I can help ONE person through the hell we call high school, I will feel like I have been a success in my career."
I am fortunate - I have had former students tell me that I DID have an impact on them and I did make a difference to them. And for that, I am forever thrilled.
If my students past, present and future read this - I hope they think of me as someone who did care about them more than just a student in my chairs in my classroom.
Many times I have pulled a student aside or talked to a student before school or after school. What have I said to them? "Are you okay?" Yes, I asked them if they are okay because I noticed that they were not their "normal" self and I was concerned and wanted them to know that I noticed, I cared, and I was there to help them if I could.
I have contacted parents when I see a student that way for a few days. Why? Because as a parent, I would want to know if a teacher was noticing that my child was not their "normal" self for more than a day or so. I want to know if someone is noticing my child is struggling with something.
As a teacher, I want the parents to know that I am there for their children. I see their children as a whole person, not just a kid in the seats in my room. I want the parent to know that I am with them if they are working to help their child and that I will do anything I can to help.
Boy it would have made a difference in my life in high school if someone had noticed what was going on with me. I was desperate for friends, desperate to be noticed. I spent SO MANY hours trying to get "in" with the popular crowd. They were never going to accept me - hell, at our 20 year reunion, they would barely even say "Hi" to me.
But what a difference it would have made if a teacher had taken the time to talk to me and ask me if I was okay. To ask me if I needed anything. Taken the time to SEE me. I felt invisible.
Someone might read this and say that I am wanting teachers to cross that line and be the friends of the students. NO, that is not what I am advocating at all. A teacher is a person of authority and just like a parent, we need to be teacher first - not their friend.
You can "be there" for your students without crossing that line. No students call me by my first name and think they can be my friend. No students want to hang out with me.
BUT, students know that if they need to talk, they need help - I am there for them. When I was teaching in Wapello I had my "happy place" which was the entry way of the school in the mornings. I was there before the kids came in for the day and I stayed there until the tardy bell rang. Why? Because I got to interact with the students and get to know them outside of the classroom setting. Was I their friend? Did I cross the line? No way. But did I talk with the kids, ask them how things were going, remember important details about them and their lives and ask about them...Absolutely. I built up a rapport with them so they knew I was there for them.
I had students come in crying and come and get a hug and sit for a bit - just needing someone to be there. OK - I can do that. Would I follow up with them - you bet your ass I did. The next day I was sure to talk to them and ask if things were better, how had they made it better, how could they help fix it for the future. My goal was to help them see that things do get better, there is hope - and a lot of the time, you can do things to help yourself for the future.
Yesterday I had 2 girls come up to me as I was walking out of the building where I was subbing. I had subbed for them the week before. They told me how they missed me and wished I was still their sub. (It was a long-term job that I stopped early due to some issues.) These girls told me how they wished I was still there and they missed me and tried to convince me that I need to come back and be their sub. Funny thing - you certainly can't say I crossed any line or got to friendly - they didn't even remember my name!
That conversation made my day...heck, who am I kidding, they made my month! Evidently in the two days they had me, they figured out who I was. They felt comfortable enough to talk to me when they had only seen me for a total of like 90 minutes. I came home yesterday knowing that I may not have been in their lives for long - but I had at least some impact on them.
This all stems back to that darn e-card I started with in this entry. As a teenager (even before that) I thought I was fat. It was reinforced by classmates/fellow students who felt justified in making fun of me, belittling me and making me feel awful about myself. And when I think of that I remember high school and how all I wanted to do was be out of there and away from those people who did that to me. I did not feel safe and protected by my teachers. I did not feel like my teachers were "there for me" and cared or even noticed what I was going through.
So to my students - past, present and future - I hope you all know that I am there for you, I care and I will do what I can to help you through whatever you are going through. I can be a shoulder, a sounding board, whatever you need. But mostly know - that I DO notice when you are struggling, I do care and I WILL ask you about it. You may think I'm just a dumb adult when I ask you if you are okay - but that's okay with me. As a dumb adult, I feel a responsibility to make you feel important, worthy and acknowledged - not just when you are being an awesome student, but when you are struggling and you need support. Or when you are just a little "off" and think you are hiding it from the world. I notice you on your "off" days and I care. I WILL ask you if you are okay. I WILL call your parents if I see you having several "off" days - Why - because I care about you. Please know - you matter, you are awesome, and no one should be allowed to make you feel differently!
"I wish I was as fat as when I first thought I was fat!"
I have seen that many times and each time it rings so true. Our self-images can be so skewed. Helped along with our society's view on weight.
I'm not sure if I have told you this before or not, but in high school I was called "Moose" by a boy who was in the grade ahead of me. Ironically, or maybe not so ironic, he was heavy as well.
Tonight I was looking through pictures for Maggie. She needed a picture of my grandfather. I found the picture she needed, but as I was doing so, I found my HS scrapbooks. I called Maggie in to see some of the picture of when I was a freshman like she is now.
We were looking at some of the pictures and I realized - I may have been heavy, but I certainly wasn't obese then. Where did that boy get off making fun of me and calling me names?!
I'm sure he does not realize what that did to me - what effect that had on me. One would hope it would have the effect of making you want to lose weight to "show him" how wrong he was. Unfortunately, I turned to food for comfort and ...well... got larger.
I remember a friend said to me once, "You have such a pretty face, it's a shame you are so heavy." Again, a male. I am sure he has no memory of saying that to me - but I sure do...I can remember where we were standing. I can see the image in my head very clearly. Why? Because to have a friend say that to me cut through my heart.
It truly is amazing the effect a few words can have on a person. The LONG LASTING effect those words can have. I'm almost 45 years old - those things were said to me when I was 16-19 years old. I have never forgotten them - they have been a HUGE part of shaping my self-image. Maybe if someone had been complimenting me on how I looked it would have off set it?! And yes, my family did - but family doesn't count! They have to be nice to you! LOL
Maggie was looking at my prom pictures from 10th grade. I remember that dress was size 13. Seriously - size 13 and they were calling me names for my weight.
Yes, I realize it wasn't a size 0, I was not a person with the "ideal" body. But was it really necessary to make me feel horrible about myself - so horrible I wanted to never be in school. I HATED school. Not the classes - all the rest of it.
It's why I became a teacher - the way kids treat each other.
I don't think I'm an especially great actress - I don't hide it well when I am upset or sad or depressed. Can I fake it and act happy - yes, for the short term, and when in a conversation with people. But sitting in class, I was just "there" - pretty much going through the steps, waiting to go home.
Wouldn't it have been nice if just one teacher asked me if I was okay? If one teacher noticed that I was detached? If one teacher had showed me I mattered?
Luckily school was not difficult for me and my detached attitude during class did not affect my grades. So I learned that getting good grades got the teacher's attention and they would acknowledge me for them. But what I craved - what I NEEDED - was a teacher to notice ME.
Don't get me wrong - some of you reading this are former teachers of mine - I had great teachers. I learned a lot and was prepared for college and the world. But I didn't feel cared for as a person, just as a student in class.
Like I said, it's why I became a teacher. I have always said, "If I can help ONE person through the hell we call high school, I will feel like I have been a success in my career."
I am fortunate - I have had former students tell me that I DID have an impact on them and I did make a difference to them. And for that, I am forever thrilled.
If my students past, present and future read this - I hope they think of me as someone who did care about them more than just a student in my chairs in my classroom.
Many times I have pulled a student aside or talked to a student before school or after school. What have I said to them? "Are you okay?" Yes, I asked them if they are okay because I noticed that they were not their "normal" self and I was concerned and wanted them to know that I noticed, I cared, and I was there to help them if I could.
I have contacted parents when I see a student that way for a few days. Why? Because as a parent, I would want to know if a teacher was noticing that my child was not their "normal" self for more than a day or so. I want to know if someone is noticing my child is struggling with something.
As a teacher, I want the parents to know that I am there for their children. I see their children as a whole person, not just a kid in the seats in my room. I want the parent to know that I am with them if they are working to help their child and that I will do anything I can to help.
Boy it would have made a difference in my life in high school if someone had noticed what was going on with me. I was desperate for friends, desperate to be noticed. I spent SO MANY hours trying to get "in" with the popular crowd. They were never going to accept me - hell, at our 20 year reunion, they would barely even say "Hi" to me.
But what a difference it would have made if a teacher had taken the time to talk to me and ask me if I was okay. To ask me if I needed anything. Taken the time to SEE me. I felt invisible.
Someone might read this and say that I am wanting teachers to cross that line and be the friends of the students. NO, that is not what I am advocating at all. A teacher is a person of authority and just like a parent, we need to be teacher first - not their friend.
You can "be there" for your students without crossing that line. No students call me by my first name and think they can be my friend. No students want to hang out with me.
BUT, students know that if they need to talk, they need help - I am there for them. When I was teaching in Wapello I had my "happy place" which was the entry way of the school in the mornings. I was there before the kids came in for the day and I stayed there until the tardy bell rang. Why? Because I got to interact with the students and get to know them outside of the classroom setting. Was I their friend? Did I cross the line? No way. But did I talk with the kids, ask them how things were going, remember important details about them and their lives and ask about them...Absolutely. I built up a rapport with them so they knew I was there for them.
I had students come in crying and come and get a hug and sit for a bit - just needing someone to be there. OK - I can do that. Would I follow up with them - you bet your ass I did. The next day I was sure to talk to them and ask if things were better, how had they made it better, how could they help fix it for the future. My goal was to help them see that things do get better, there is hope - and a lot of the time, you can do things to help yourself for the future.
Yesterday I had 2 girls come up to me as I was walking out of the building where I was subbing. I had subbed for them the week before. They told me how they missed me and wished I was still their sub. (It was a long-term job that I stopped early due to some issues.) These girls told me how they wished I was still there and they missed me and tried to convince me that I need to come back and be their sub. Funny thing - you certainly can't say I crossed any line or got to friendly - they didn't even remember my name!
That conversation made my day...heck, who am I kidding, they made my month! Evidently in the two days they had me, they figured out who I was. They felt comfortable enough to talk to me when they had only seen me for a total of like 90 minutes. I came home yesterday knowing that I may not have been in their lives for long - but I had at least some impact on them.
This all stems back to that darn e-card I started with in this entry. As a teenager (even before that) I thought I was fat. It was reinforced by classmates/fellow students who felt justified in making fun of me, belittling me and making me feel awful about myself. And when I think of that I remember high school and how all I wanted to do was be out of there and away from those people who did that to me. I did not feel safe and protected by my teachers. I did not feel like my teachers were "there for me" and cared or even noticed what I was going through.
So to my students - past, present and future - I hope you all know that I am there for you, I care and I will do what I can to help you through whatever you are going through. I can be a shoulder, a sounding board, whatever you need. But mostly know - that I DO notice when you are struggling, I do care and I WILL ask you about it. You may think I'm just a dumb adult when I ask you if you are okay - but that's okay with me. As a dumb adult, I feel a responsibility to make you feel important, worthy and acknowledged - not just when you are being an awesome student, but when you are struggling and you need support. Or when you are just a little "off" and think you are hiding it from the world. I notice you on your "off" days and I care. I WILL ask you if you are okay. I WILL call your parents if I see you having several "off" days - Why - because I care about you. Please know - you matter, you are awesome, and no one should be allowed to make you feel differently!
Wednesday, September 25, 2013
Mirror, Mirror on the wall...
So in August I started seeing a therapist. NO, not for my "many" issues (LOL) - but for my relationship with food. I say she is my food therapist!
I had to see her once before surgery to get psych approval for the surgery. I liked her. She is the person they have us all see, so she is used to talking with weight loss surgery patients.
At my support groups I have heard others talk about how helpful she has been for them. They, the other WLS patients, have encouraged us newbies to utilize her.
So, toward the end of August I was struggling when I look in the mirror. Honestly - it's not the relationship with food that I am struggling with. That is going well. I am eating the right things, I am making good choices and honestly, I don't even want all the "bad" stuff I used to eat.
My problem is when I look in the mirror, I still see the fat girl. I see the rolls and flab. Yes, it's gotten looser, but when I look, THAT is the first thing I see.
So I made the appointment because I want to start accepting my new body and seeing a new me.
The funny part is, my head gets it.
I had to see her once before surgery to get psych approval for the surgery. I liked her. She is the person they have us all see, so she is used to talking with weight loss surgery patients.
At my support groups I have heard others talk about how helpful she has been for them. They, the other WLS patients, have encouraged us newbies to utilize her.
So, toward the end of August I was struggling when I look in the mirror. Honestly - it's not the relationship with food that I am struggling with. That is going well. I am eating the right things, I am making good choices and honestly, I don't even want all the "bad" stuff I used to eat.
My problem is when I look in the mirror, I still see the fat girl. I see the rolls and flab. Yes, it's gotten looser, but when I look, THAT is the first thing I see.
So I made the appointment because I want to start accepting my new body and seeing a new me.
The funny part is, my head gets it.
- I am very aware that I now have only like 1 1/2 chins instead of 4-6.
- I am very aware that my face is much thinner.
- I am very aware that my old clothes fall off me (bottoms) or I swim in them (tops).
- I am very aware that my old bras are laughable now.
I am down from a 3X or 4X shirt to a 0X. (yes, for those of you who are not plus sized saavy, that is a size and it is still bigger than a "normal" sized XL.)
I am down from a 30W pant (at my largest) to today's purchase of 18W jeans and dress pants.
I am down from a 46DD bras (again at my largest) to currently a 38DDD. Honestly - this one pisses me off some. Everyone talks about how with WLS they have lost their boobs. PLEASE - can I loose them! Or at least some of them. I had to order in the DDD. They don't carry it in the store. Actually, they don't carry many 38s at all where I shop - becaues most plus sized people need at least a 40. So that part is good. But as my band size goes down, the "girls" jump out of the DD I used to wear. And since I really don't want to look like I have 4 boobs - I had to get the DDD to hold them all in. THAT frustrates me. But...oh well - a small price.
When I started this process last October - I bought 2 belts because I started losing some weight pre-surgery and even though I couldn't go down a size, the pants were getting to where I needed a belt.
Anyway - until today, I had no long pants that fit me. I had one pair that was like 3 sizes too big that I wore last week to the football game. The hilarious part - I grabbed one of my belts - you can see on the belt that when I was wearing it last year I was on the largest or 2nd largest notch. Now on the smallest notch it slides over my hips. So - guess those won't help! LOL
OK - back to my point tonight. When I look in the mirror, I just don't "see" the new me, I see the old me. Last week my therapist said something that really got me to thinking. She asked me if I could imagine being any smaller. My answer - NO. I do not remember wearing size 18 pants. It was so long ago, I simply don't remember it. I don't remember ever weighing 241 pounds.
Her point - maybe my plateau and my making excuses to not exercise are coming from my brain telling me that I am proud of myself, I am happy with the new size and I can't imagine being smaller so this is a safe place to be.
Wow - that gave me a lot to think about. I told her today when I saw her that she was probably right. I am so thrilled with my progress that I am holding myself back.
This weekend I made the decision that I cannot do that any more. I have a goal - that goal is to see 200...or really, I would LOVE to see 199! I would love to hit "onederland"!
I am a goal oriented person. And, as much as I hate to set my goals on what the WLS calls "scale victories" - I have NO WAY to set a goal for a size I would like to hit in clothing because I have no clue what size I will fit into when I hit that goal! So - for now, my goal is a scale-based goal. It is tangible - and I need tangible.
Some of the ideas my food therapist has had is to give myself visuals to help remind myself that I have changed. So tonight I took this picture.
This is the ONE pair of pants from the old me that I kept (30W) and my brand new pair I bought today (18W) that fit perfectly.
Seeing images like that really help me internalize that I am changing.
I was in the dressing room today at the consignment store trying on several pair of jeans and dress pants. I had grabbed all 18s - or so I thought. I was putting on one pair and was freaking out that they were too big - they were 20s. Yes, I saw the size BEFORE putting them on, but figured, what's one size, I'm sure they'll fit. I was shocked when they were truly too big. I never dreamed a pair of 20s would be too big for me.
As is normal for me and pants - I tried on many and bought 2. But hey - I bought 2!! This weekend I plan to do a little more shopping because like I mentioned earlier - except for the 2 I bought today - I have NO long pants and we are getting to long pants weather!!
Like I said, I made a decision this weekend that I WILL start exercising and I WILL reach my goal. I had not shared that with anyone...but tonight, a friend contacted me and said she needs an exercise buddy to help her stay on track. OMG - this is just what I needed. Having someone else exercising with me will hold me accountable - I can't make excuses when I have someone coming over to exercise with me. THIS is exactly what I needed. I am so happy that the "stars aligned" and she needed me as much as I needed her! We start tomorrow. And yes, tomorrow will come - it will not be put off.
Time for some complete honesty now. I LOVE seeing people I haven't seen in a long time. I think that is one of the most motivating things for me. Because they have NOT been looking at me every day. THEY can see the transformation I am making.
Tonight I ran into someone I hadn't seen since about a week after my surgery. She just kept going on about how I looked. This may sound vain - but wow does that feel good. It really helps me take another look at myself and attempt to see what the other person is seeing.
Mike just shakes his head at me sometimes because I tell him I want to keep running into people we haven't seen for awhile. It's not that I am fishing for compliments, it's that I am trying very hard to see myself through the eyes of others. Other eyes that are not jaded with the day to day struggle I have. Other eyes that don't see the rolls and the flab, but instead see the nearly 87 pounds lost. Other eyes that can see that I have lost over 25% of myself.
Mirror, mirror on the wall...thank you for giving me those other eyes to help me see myself as the world sees me. Thank you for giving me a therapist who has some of these "other eyes" and "gets" what I am going through. Thanks for those other eyes that encourage me to look for ways to see the change in myself, like taking the picture I took tonight.
I may struggle with my normal day to day eyes that see the "gumba" in me. (that would be the brown mushrooms in Mario Cart on the Mushroom Gorge race track. They are brown mushrooms toward the finish line. I picture them every time I look at myself unclothed and see my tummy roll hanging. Sad, but true.) Anyway, I may struggle with my self-image and my "normal" eyes. But I am lucky enough that I am finally starting to use those "other eyes" to look at myself. Now if only I can get those to be my normal eyes.
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