Comfort foods.....oops - shouldn't do that

Well...tomorrow I meet with my dietitian for the first time to "go over" my daily food diary.

Nervous - yes.  What if I have been doing it wrong?  What if I totally screwed up things?

What if she yells at me for my times I ate the wrong things?

What if she yells at me for not being on the exercise wagon like I should be?  Yes, I've been doing some exercising, but not the daily doing it like I am supposed to be doing.  UGH.

I've had a "down" few days and I have found myself resorting to my finding comfort from food.  Yikes - I need to stop myself from doing that.

Why is it that when I am feeling down and depressed I turn to food?  Seriously, I was thinking about that today.  I have spent SO much of my life being teased, bullied, feeling horrible about my weight.  I know that my eating habits are poor.

I know that comfort from food is really very short lived - yes, it's delicious, yes, it makes me feel good at the time.  But later....argh, the pounds come on and I feel crappy about myself for eating.

I'm actually thinking it would be better for me if I screwed up and had a pop!  At least there aren't any calories.

It's frustrating to me that for nearly 4 weeks I have done so well and then have a bad day or two and I "fall off the wagon".   Then, I find it's a cycle - I fall off the wagon - I feel bad about myself for doing so, I get down, so I eat more.   ARGH

It made me think about the support group last week where one of the women said how difficult it is to accept the different you.  She said that she was seeing a therapist who specialized in helping people accept the new them and figure out WHY we turn to food and deal with those issues.  I may need to check into this therapist.  I know what I do, but I need to figure out why and how to stop turning to food!  Especially since it's so cyclical and just makes me feel worse.

So, lots of emotions going into this first dietitian meeting tomorrow.  I think that in the back of my mind I think she's going to yell at me like Jillian does on the Biggest Loser.  I do NOT need someone yelling at me.  I do NOT respond well to that!

I have always put up a good front - very outgoing, loud, strong...but I take things VERY personally and straight to heart.  I take things TOO personally much of the time, so if she yells at me, I won't do well.  I'll put up a good front, I won't let her know she's hurting me, but it will.

I'm hoping that this woman will not attack me for my faults, but help me work through them and become a better me.  That is what I need.  Someone to help me, build me up, assure me I can do this and I won't fail.  Someone who won't ride me for my faults, but help me get through/over them and move forward.

Here's to hoping for a good first meeting.