Take care of yourself

A friend of mine wrote a blog today that I simply must piggyback on.

Her sister had read a blog about as a parent, especially a mom, you need to "soldier on."

My friend's blog said:

 The gist of the article was saying that we (parents) need to "soldier on" when the times get tough. When you are exhausted, soldier on. When you are annoyed, deal with it. When you are sick, but your child wants to play, mom up. It went on to say that when you, as a parent, are feeling the "trials and tribulations" of being a parent, you need to put things into perspective. You have your health!! And if you don't have your health, you have your mind! And if you don't have your mind, at least you can still love!

 Then my friend went on to talk about her trials and tribulations in her nearly 8 months as a mother.

I had to commend her for her thoughts and views.  And now I must add my own thoughts and views.

YES, as parents we need to put our children first, we need to take care of them, love them, do what they need done.  But this article basically told moms that you should let your own health and sanity go to heck if your child wants you.

I mean seriously, if you are sick and your child wants to play you are supposed to go play?  What exactly is that teaching your child? I don't know about you, but when my kids are sick, we tell them the best way to get well is to rest, sleep, rest.  So if we tell them they need to rest and sleep to get better and then do the exact opposite when we, ourselves, are sick - what are we teaching them?  Shouldn't we be teaching them that taking care of yourself, as a parent, is important?

I had an allergy doctor once read me the riot act because I hadn't gotten mattress and box-spring encasements yet for my bed.  I told him that if he said my kids needed them I would have ordered them immediately, regardless of the cost.  He looked at me and said, "Molly, don't you think taking care of yourself to make sure you are healthy will help you be a good mom?  Shouldn't you take care of yourself so you can be a good mom?"  I ordered my encasements that day.

What he said has stuck with me.  Mike and I have always been sure to take care of our relationship, but we often let our own health take a back seat to the children's needs.  That changed that day!

In this article my friend talked about she says they say if you don't have your health you have your mind and if you don't have that you can still love.

This makes me stop and go...huh?  It is awfully hard to love if you are not healthy in body and mind.   And I go further to say you need to have a healthy relationship with your partner.

We are blessed with two amazing children.  They are the center of our world.  BUT, they are not our whole world.  What do I mean by that?

From day one with Maggie, we made sure to still date.  Now when she was little, that meant she came along in her infant car seat.  That kid went everywhere with us.  We were coaching speech in Minnesota and it was speech season when she was born.  At 9 days old she was at her first speech contest and went every week for the next 3 months.  OUR lives didn't stop because we had a child.

As she got older, we made sure to date.  We tried to go on a date at least once a month.  Sometimes it didn't work because of our schedules, and sometimes it was even more often.  But we continued to take time to be a couple.

Three years later, along came Matthew.  Now he went everywhere with us in his carseat and Maggie had a babysitter.  But our lives didn't stop.

Some people have really but us down through the years because we don't stop everything for the kids.  Yes, I will admit...we have NOT made every single sporting event our children are in.  WE both have lives and events that we need to attend as well.  And try as we might, sometimes they overlap with the kids' events.

Rather than being upset, our children know that we will come to as many as we possibly can, but that they do not NEED us there to be successful.  They can succeed and feel good about what they are doing, without us being there to cheer them on at every single moment.  They know that yes, what they are doing is important, but what we are doing is also important.  Not more important, but equally important.

I think that is a good lesson for children to learn.  That yes, what they are doing is important, but not MORE important than what their parents are doing.  Isn't it okay for kids to realize that what their parents do is important as well.  That their parents are more than just parents, they are people with interests and jobs and things that they enjoy.

We have talked to our kids about why we date regularly.  They know, and have forever known, that mom and dad need time to be Mike and Molly.  They know that we love each other and we like to be with each other and we like to just be alone sometimes.  They don't  feel less important because we take time to be a couple.  We have stressed to them that part of being good parents is taking care of ourselves and our marriage.  We have stressed to them that we hope when they are in a relationship, if they have children, that they too will remember to take time to be a couple and to keep that relationship healthy and vibrant.

Mike and I live very busy lives because of what we do.  Our kids know that.  Our kids have attended many a function that they would much rather have missed.  But they know that like us, they need to appreciate what we like as well as just what they like.  So they survive long meetings, or drives and are just fine.

In fact, I would say they are better because of it.  They are learning from the start that just because they are children and the center of our world - they are NOT the whole world.  They are learning that they should not expect the entire world to revolve around them.

As a teacher I see children at school who are obviously raised to believe that they are the center of the world and the world should revolve around them.  I do not believe those parents are doing their children any good by teaching them that.  Because in the real world, they will need to realize that they are NOT more important than everyone and everything else.  The world doesn't revolve around them.

So all of this was spurred on by my friend's post about "soldiering on" as a parent and how detrimental that can be.  I agree with her 100%.  Her post was, of course, focused on being a parent of an infant.  I know that her little girl is going to be an amazing kid because her parents are amazing.  I know that her mom was raised by some great people and that has made her a great mom of a beautiful 8 month old.

My post has focused more on the effects putting your child first, no matter the cost, can have on the child.  Children need balance.  They need to know that they are part of a world with many, many people and that being self-ish and expecting the world to revolve around you, is simply not realistic.

I love my children to pieces, but I want them to grow up knowing that everyone around them is equally as special as they are and worth admiring and respecting.  We all have our differences, we all do things differently...but no one is more important than the next person in the world.  Children need to grow up knowing that!