Waiting is killing me

March 28th I had my final of 6 appointments with the dietitian, doctors and psychologist.  They had to finish their reports and then send them in to insurance for approval.

So now I sit waiting to hear back from insurance.  They said it usually takes 7-10 days to hear back.  Well that means this week some time.  So as far as I am concerned - NOW please.

People ask me if I am nervous - not for the surgery, no!  The only thin I am nervous about is hearing back from insurance.  I have worked so hard for this and every other thing I have tried has failed - I feel like this is finally my chance to succeed.  So what am I nervous about?  That they will so no and I will fail again.

Honestly - I cannot see why in the world insurance would say no.  I meet every single requirement for the surgery.  I have worked hard to change my habits, learn new habits,etc.  The doctors and dietitian also think it will go through fine.  So I need to stop being nervous.

Funny thing happened at the last appointment.  I met with the psychologist - went well.  Met with the dietitian - went well.  Then I met with the doctor.  I have met the head surgeon, I have met the PA that works with him.  This time it was a different doctor.  He is the fellow with the bariatric department for 2013.  Nice guy.

So he sits down, looks at my chart and told me that I didn't lose enough weight.  My goal was to lose 30-35 pounds and I was right at 20 pound.

Oooo - that pissed me off.  Does he not know how hard I have worked to lose that 20 pounds?!?!  Does he not know how starving I am every day?!  He made me mad.

Well, 5 days later I went to the bariatric support group meeting, guess who the speaker was?  That same doctor!  Needless to say I was kind of bleh about listening to him.

Well - I should not have been bleh.  He was wonderful and 20 minutes into the meeting I knew why he wanted me to lose more weight!  I was no longer pissed at him!

Research has shown that patients who lose 10% of their weight before surgery have the best long-term results.  Well - 32.7 pounds is 10%  - so I resolved that I WOULD lose the other 12.7 pounds before surgery!  Not try - I WILL do it.  I resolved to be better about exercising, better about drinking more water.  I was just plain going to be better!

So - here I am, not quite a week after that support group and I have lost 4 pounds!  I am GOING to make that 12.7 more pounds.... only 8.7 to go!

Then, this past Saturday I had another wonderful thing happen.

I've been hating wearing jeans.  They bunch up on my inner thighs and rub and hurt.  Well....the issue - THEY ARE TOO BIG!!!!!!  I have had to tighten my belt 4 notches since I started this journey.  So I have been wearing the same jeans and tightening my belt.  They are gaping and weird at the top and there is too much fabric at my inner thighs!

So Saturday I decided to try a pair of jeans I had bought last year and then decided they were too small and bought the next size.

THEY FIT!  They fit and even have a little extra room at the waist!  I still have to put my belt at the 4th notch - cuz that's what size my waist is - but there isn't all this extra material.  And they are not tight AT ALL!

So - that is my feel good moment this past week.  I am wearing a size smaller jeans.  I could be wearing smaller dress pants - but I refuse to go shopping until after I have lost weight after my surgery.  I am not spending good money on clothes that are going to be too big and I will never wear again.  So - I keep wearing my dress pants that are baggy on the butt and smile knowing that htey are too big.

Wow - what a weird thing to type - TOO BIG.  I have never had clothes that are too big - always too small.

I am keeping those old (TOO BIG) jeans though - they will be my motivation.  to NEVER fit in them again and to hold up in front of the NEW me!

Living a Loving Life

If you have read my blogs you will know that I am very much into treating ALL people with kindness, period.

A friend is doing a writing each day this week on LOVE in honor of Valentine's Day.  Today, his struck a note with me.

Here is what he wrote:

I wonder how many people think they live loving lives. When I read Paul's introduction of love it strikes that chord in me that we all have... "Here is what love is all about!" But Paul's famous words about love are not just for our significant other, they apply to how we treat all humans.

"Be patient with everyone, and be kind to them as well. Do not become jealous when others have things you want, don't brag about yourself and do not insult others by your lack of social skills. Stop being that person that is always angry, and don't bring up every little thing someone has done every time they make you upset..." ~1 Corinthians 13:4-5~

We always read the famous 1 Corinthians 13:13.

It is so important to read these two verses as well.  My friend, Ryan, is right - THIS is what love is about.  NOT just about your partner in life, but about how you treat every single person you encounter.

"Be patient with everyone" - wow, wouldn't the world be a wonderful place if we followed this.  Even if we followed it ONE MORE time each day than we currently do.  

"Be kind to them as well" - so those people you are having to work hard to be patient with...you need to be kind to them as well.  Too often, if we only do the patient part, it comes across as condescending and belittling.  We need to partner our patience with kindness so that it is sincere and can be appreciated because it is genuine, not forced.

"Do not become jealous when others have things you want" - I think this is a huge one to teach our children.  (Don't get me wrong - adults need it to...but read on)  So often kids make fun of others because they are jealous.  It's much easier to point out some fault in another rather than to admit you are jealous of what they have.  And it may not be a concrete "thing" they have - it could be respect by teachers, a friendship that is always there, ability in the classroom, the ability to wear fashionable clothing and make it look good.

Kids are masters of finding that one little thing that will "get" another kid and hurt them by making fun of it.  A bully makes it their daily goal.  If only we could teach our kids to follow this teaching.

"Don't brag about yourself" - this is one I sure wish I could have learned in school.  I don't know what it is about me, but I have never made friends easily.  I get along with men much more easily than women.  But in high school I desperately, desperately wanted to fit in and be part of the popular crowd.  I never did fit in.  But is certainly wasn't for lack of trying.  I found myself not being able to get the attention of anyone - I would brag to get people to notice me.  WRONG tactic, only got me negative attention. 

"Do not insult others by your lack of social skills" - this just makes me giggle.  HOW long ago did Paul write this letter to the Corinthians?  Social skills are so darn important.  And when people refuse to use them, they DO insult the people around them.  Learning social skills and important for all people, even if being around others is not their forte.  They still need to learn to be able to be around others and use social skills that are appropriate for the setting.

"Stop being that person that is always angry." - we all know people like that, people who always seem angry.  There was a psychologist who came to my high school and worked with groups of students.  He had a theory (as inappropriate as it was to share with us) that I have always remembered.  He said those are the people you want to wish an orgasm on.  Now, as an adult, I understand what he was trying to get across to us.  

Now, granted, he needed to learn his own social skills since he was working with teens - most of whom had not had sex yet.  But now, I get it.  He was wishing them a way of finding happiness that comes from something deep and meaningful.  He wasn't implying casual sex - he was implying a true relationship with someone you truly love.  And the culmination of that love in an orgasm.  Now, whenever I see someone who you can sense is always angry - I remember that man and his theory.  And though I do NOT do what he wished - I try to make sure that I do not come across angry, even if I am angry.  

I work very hard every day to make sure that even if I am sad, upset, angry, frustrated...the people around me are not affected by my mood.  People deserve the best me and I am not my best when I am sad, upset, angry, frustrated, etc.  Now that does NOT mean that I ignore my feelings, it is very important that a person deals with those feelings, not ignores them.  But there is a time and a place and it is not when you are around others.  It makes others uncomfortable and it is rude.  Always show the best you and you will be a happier person for it.

"Don't bring up every little thing someone has done every time they make you upset." - this is a classic marriage fight - heck, just this weekend I reminded Mike how our first Valentine's Day he got me nothing.  Granted - this wasn't done in a fight (this time) it was just in our teasing back and forth.  I think way to many of us do this with the people around us.  Maybe people we work with, people we see at activities, etc.  Or when we go home for a holiday.  Or when we see people from our past.  We may not actually bring it up aloud, but we bring it up in our head and hold it against them.  Wow - really think about this.  We often say we have forgiven...but in your heart of hearts have we?  Can we be around someone who has upset us in the past, maybe even many, many times - and not bring those faults up in our heads if they upset us again?  I know I am at fault of this one.  I think I have forgiven, put it aside, and then I am in the situation again and darn it all - it's back in my head again.  UGH - I am learning that I really need to turn it over and allow myself to forgive completely.

So my friend, Ryan, has truly inspired me today to keep these verses in my mind as I deal with people.  Can I do these things and really be a a loving person, not just to my partner, but to everyone.  That is my challenge to all of you.  Work to live as truly loving people by following these 2, simple verses.  Thanks, Ryan, for sharing that with us today!

Take care of yourself

A friend of mine wrote a blog today that I simply must piggyback on.

Her sister had read a blog about as a parent, especially a mom, you need to "soldier on."

My friend's blog said:

 The gist of the article was saying that we (parents) need to "soldier on" when the times get tough. When you are exhausted, soldier on. When you are annoyed, deal with it. When you are sick, but your child wants to play, mom up. It went on to say that when you, as a parent, are feeling the "trials and tribulations" of being a parent, you need to put things into perspective. You have your health!! And if you don't have your health, you have your mind! And if you don't have your mind, at least you can still love!

 Then my friend went on to talk about her trials and tribulations in her nearly 8 months as a mother.

I had to commend her for her thoughts and views.  And now I must add my own thoughts and views.

YES, as parents we need to put our children first, we need to take care of them, love them, do what they need done.  But this article basically told moms that you should let your own health and sanity go to heck if your child wants you.

I mean seriously, if you are sick and your child wants to play you are supposed to go play?  What exactly is that teaching your child? I don't know about you, but when my kids are sick, we tell them the best way to get well is to rest, sleep, rest.  So if we tell them they need to rest and sleep to get better and then do the exact opposite when we, ourselves, are sick - what are we teaching them?  Shouldn't we be teaching them that taking care of yourself, as a parent, is important?

I had an allergy doctor once read me the riot act because I hadn't gotten mattress and box-spring encasements yet for my bed.  I told him that if he said my kids needed them I would have ordered them immediately, regardless of the cost.  He looked at me and said, "Molly, don't you think taking care of yourself to make sure you are healthy will help you be a good mom?  Shouldn't you take care of yourself so you can be a good mom?"  I ordered my encasements that day.

What he said has stuck with me.  Mike and I have always been sure to take care of our relationship, but we often let our own health take a back seat to the children's needs.  That changed that day!

In this article my friend talked about she says they say if you don't have your health you have your mind and if you don't have that you can still love.

This makes me stop and go...huh?  It is awfully hard to love if you are not healthy in body and mind.   And I go further to say you need to have a healthy relationship with your partner.

We are blessed with two amazing children.  They are the center of our world.  BUT, they are not our whole world.  What do I mean by that?

From day one with Maggie, we made sure to still date.  Now when she was little, that meant she came along in her infant car seat.  That kid went everywhere with us.  We were coaching speech in Minnesota and it was speech season when she was born.  At 9 days old she was at her first speech contest and went every week for the next 3 months.  OUR lives didn't stop because we had a child.

As she got older, we made sure to date.  We tried to go on a date at least once a month.  Sometimes it didn't work because of our schedules, and sometimes it was even more often.  But we continued to take time to be a couple.

Three years later, along came Matthew.  Now he went everywhere with us in his carseat and Maggie had a babysitter.  But our lives didn't stop.

Some people have really but us down through the years because we don't stop everything for the kids.  Yes, I will admit...we have NOT made every single sporting event our children are in.  WE both have lives and events that we need to attend as well.  And try as we might, sometimes they overlap with the kids' events.

Rather than being upset, our children know that we will come to as many as we possibly can, but that they do not NEED us there to be successful.  They can succeed and feel good about what they are doing, without us being there to cheer them on at every single moment.  They know that yes, what they are doing is important, but what we are doing is also important.  Not more important, but equally important.

I think that is a good lesson for children to learn.  That yes, what they are doing is important, but not MORE important than what their parents are doing.  Isn't it okay for kids to realize that what their parents do is important as well.  That their parents are more than just parents, they are people with interests and jobs and things that they enjoy.

We have talked to our kids about why we date regularly.  They know, and have forever known, that mom and dad need time to be Mike and Molly.  They know that we love each other and we like to be with each other and we like to just be alone sometimes.  They don't  feel less important because we take time to be a couple.  We have stressed to them that part of being good parents is taking care of ourselves and our marriage.  We have stressed to them that we hope when they are in a relationship, if they have children, that they too will remember to take time to be a couple and to keep that relationship healthy and vibrant.

Mike and I live very busy lives because of what we do.  Our kids know that.  Our kids have attended many a function that they would much rather have missed.  But they know that like us, they need to appreciate what we like as well as just what they like.  So they survive long meetings, or drives and are just fine.

In fact, I would say they are better because of it.  They are learning from the start that just because they are children and the center of our world - they are NOT the whole world.  They are learning that they should not expect the entire world to revolve around them.

As a teacher I see children at school who are obviously raised to believe that they are the center of the world and the world should revolve around them.  I do not believe those parents are doing their children any good by teaching them that.  Because in the real world, they will need to realize that they are NOT more important than everyone and everything else.  The world doesn't revolve around them.

So all of this was spurred on by my friend's post about "soldiering on" as a parent and how detrimental that can be.  I agree with her 100%.  Her post was, of course, focused on being a parent of an infant.  I know that her little girl is going to be an amazing kid because her parents are amazing.  I know that her mom was raised by some great people and that has made her a great mom of a beautiful 8 month old.

My post has focused more on the effects putting your child first, no matter the cost, can have on the child.  Children need balance.  They need to know that they are part of a world with many, many people and that being self-ish and expecting the world to revolve around you, is simply not realistic.

I love my children to pieces, but I want them to grow up knowing that everyone around them is equally as special as they are and worth admiring and respecting.  We all have our differences, we all do things differently...but no one is more important than the next person in the world.  Children need to grow up knowing that!

So Much Fun

School is so much fun right now.  Ok, I always love my job, but I am really loving it now!

Today the last classes finished their note naming speed tests and it was fun.  New records were set, life was fun.

Things that made today especially fun....

• a "dark horse" who hadn't been close to the top 5 , broke in and took 3rd place!
• a sister broke her older brother's record and she felt good!
• kids pushed themselves harder than I would have pushed them
• they cheered on and encouraged their classmates

That was just with the speed tests we were finishing!

Other fun things that were awesome:

• the 5th and 6th graders were learning an old song "Chattanooga Choo Choo" and they were actually having a blast doing so - they were giggling at the words and singing it out!
• the preschoolers were absolutely adorable correcting me on the words and actions to one of their songs
• the preschoolers were awesome...knowing their speaking parts and in some cases, knowing everyone else's speaking parts as well!
• the Kindergarteners and 1st graders were learning about the upcoming Opera they are going to see and they were having a blast imagining what real life would be like if we sang everything and a piano or orchestra went everywhere with us so we had music playing to sing to!
• it's Hawaiian week in the lunch room and today was especially fun.  They served fruit out of shark and whale bowls made out of watermelons, and there was a huge fish "swimming" around the room in the air.  (must have taken a lot of helium in that thing)  especially cool because it is remote controlled and "swims" around and with the tail moving, looks real!

Basically, I love my job.  

This morning a 6th grade girl was telling me how her boyfriend told her that she is prettier with make-up on.  I laughed and told her at least he said prettier, implying she was already pretty!  It would be worse if he said she was pretty with make-up on.  Later, I made sure to tell the boy that you NEVER say that kind of thing to a girl, you have to make sure you say it carefully so the girl can't interpret it badly!  He just rolled his eyes.

Sitting in my "happy place," that I've talked about before, starts every day off on the right note.  I see the kids in their "natural environment" and they see me as a trusted adult, not just their teacher of music.  Kids who don't talk in class or don't interact with me in class, interact more easily with me in this setting.  

There is one little girl who walks in every morning looking for me.  I make sure I am not off taking care of something until I have seen her.  I have one little boy who comes and give me a hug every morning.  This makes me smile hugely, especially because he isn't always the best behaved in class and tends to get in a bit of trouble.  But each morning - he gives me a hug, so he obviously doesn't hold it against me!

There is one mom and little sister who often bring a boy to school - and the little girl looks for me every time but refuses to smile or say hi.  But she sure does make sure to look for me, the little stinker!

Something happened a couple of times in the last two weeks that has made me all warm and gooey inside.  Band lessons and group band happen at 2:00 every day in my classroom with the band director.  I get to be an observer (not always silent) of their lessons and their interactions with the band director and with each other.  So a week or two ago one girl, who had been struggling with her notes, finally got it and put together that the note and the fingering went together and ta-dah, she played much better.  She turned around and said, "I have to say this Mrs. Peterson, thank you."  Almost made me cry.

Then yesterday a young man was working on his exercise and he was playing along and the band director asked him how he did that, last week he could barely remember how to finger things.  He said, "Cuz Mrs. Peterson taught me the notes."

To see the kids making those connections and having it click...absolutely amazing.  The band director and I giggle when the kids finally see the connection and are amazed that he and I work together!  Makes us laugh that even though we tell them that, it's not until it clicks in their brain that they truly see how it all works together!

Tomorrow - what a fun day we will have.  Okay, that's a bit sarcastic because it actually gets a little boring.  We are having a limbo contest in the lunchroom all day for Hawaiian week.  The first class tends to be fun, but after doing it all day long, it gets a little bit tedious.  BUT, the kids have so much fun it's hard to not have fun yourself!

I, however, will NOT be doing the limbo.  I may have had 4 successful days of exercising on my new bike/elliptical, but I am not ready to be doing the limbo!  I would land on my butt and never be able to get up again!  

Practice what I Preach

One of my favorite things in teaching is when I see kids succeed and feel good about themselves.  THAT is my whole goal in my classroom....to make students feel that they can succeed, that they are good at something.

I absolutely love when a student who struggles in the "regular" classroom can succeed in my classroom.  Seeing them gain that confidence in themselves is what validates what I do and how I do it.

One of the reasons I get particularly proud is that I do NOT set low expectations.  In fact, I set fairly high expectations.  But I work the kids into them and the achieve!

Currently, my 3rd-6th grade students are working on naming the notes of the treble clef.  We do flash cards, we do worksheet, we even do on-line note naming games.  All of those are tools I use to evaluate their learning, and my teaching.  Then, we do the culminating activity.  This activity, at first, freaks out the kids.  They get nervous, they think they can't do it.  But they learn quickly that they can.  And it helps that this last activity is NOT graded.

This culminating activity is  4 days of Note Naming Speed Tests.  They get a worksheet with 63 notes on it and I time them.  We discuss how this isn't a race against anyone but themselves.  The goal of this is simply to do YOUR best, whatever that is.  Then, we set individual goals based on their first speed test.

Now, I do mix this up by doing a "Wall of Fame" as well.  This is to entice those top note namers to push themselves a little harder.  I keep track of everyone's times and the top 5 fastest get on the wall of fame.  Now mind you, there are already names/times on that wall of fame from last year.  So they have to try to top them and break into the wall of fame.

Because each student has individualized goals, no one feels badly that they aren't on the wall of fame.  In fact, they cheer on the kids who are close and trying to break in!

Classes are finishing their 4th trial and it is fun to see kids celebrate their success and advancement over the 4 tests.  Since I keep track I can tell them immediately if they were better, worse, LOTS better, etc.

It's fun to watch the kids and how different they all are.  One little girl pushed SO HARD the first trial that she broke into the wall of fame first try.  The other 3 tries, she never got close again to her original time.  Where another student tried hard every time and finally on his 4th try broke into the wall of fame.  He had nearly gotten in the 1st try, but he got one of the notes wrong.  (Yes, they have to have a perfect paper to get onto the wall of fame.  Perfect and fast.)

Then there was the little boy who got 5 right the first try.  Yes, he got 5 out of 63 in the 4 minutes they are given.  He was sad, he was upset.  I talked to him and we got a game plan on how he could improve.  We put that plan into action.  Today he did his final trial and had a 58.  Yes!  He was SO excited about what he was able to do.  He didn't hold it against a classmate who broke the 1st place record.  He was excited for his classmate and thrilled with his own success.

So I was thinking about this tonight when I was doing my first workout on my new Hybrid Recumbent Bike/Elliptical.  Wow, it's a lot harder than I thought it would be to ride that bike for 30 minutes.  Yikes!

So, I thought about my students and what I say to them.  I did 10 minutes and let myself have a break.  Then, after I could breathe again, I did 10 more minutes.  Then I took a break again.  But I didn't need quite as long this time before I started again.  Then came the real kicker.  I tried the elliptical instead of the bike.  Oh my goodness, that is a mean machine.  I made it 3-4 minutes before I needed to stop.

At first I was mad at myself and feeling badly that I couldn't do more.  Then I thought about what I tell my students...that was the best I could do today.  Tomorrow I can try to do a little more.  If each day I try to do a little more than the day before, I can't do anything but go up!  I also will remember that we all have our down days.  Nearly every single student has one of the 4 trials where they slide backwards, it's normal.

So, I have decided that I am going to do my best each day, try to improve a little from the day before.  BUT, allow myself to have a "backwards day" if it happens, without kicking myself for it.

Anyone who knows me knows that I am a competitive person.  I take things personally and I hold myself to very high standards.  So when I go to my exercise group, or when I workout with Mike...I push myself to the levels of the best person in the room.  Even if that is NOT my level.  I always feel like I need to be as good as they are.  It drives me crazy when Mike and I work out together and I am dying and he is barely sweating.  I beat myself up over it, expect to be able to push as hard as he does.

Tonight I decided that I need to Practice what I Preach.  In other words, I need to do MY best, not someone else's best.  That's what I tell my students every single day, they are trying to do THEIR best not their neighbor's best.  If it's good enough for me to tell all of my students, shouldn't it be good enough for me?!

That's my new motto.  I will do my best, I will not beat myself up if I don't do as well or as much as Mike or someone else.  I will work each day to do a little more or a little harder than the day before.  I will allow myself to go "backwards" if I know that I am doing my best and that day, that is my best.

By the way, my legs still feel like spaghetti after tonight's workout.  And my butt is going to be sore in the morning after riding the bike!  But tomorrow I will do it again, work through the spaghetti legs and the sore butt.  And I will do MY best, not someone else's best.  I CAN do this!

Things on my mind

Wow - it's been awhile.  I haven't blogged in an entire month.  So, I'm back!

Met with the bariatric team last week....it was the half-way point in my preparation for the surgery.  I meet again in February and then in March is my final meeting and the point when they send all the paperwork and information into insurance for approval.  They say that about a week after they send it all in we get an answer and then we can schedule surgery.

Things I've been thinking about since  I've started all of this:

• Giving up pop is a LOT harder than I thought.  I hear a pop can open, I salivate.  I sit with others having a pop, I desperately want one.  I have given it up, I got over the headaches from the caffeine withdrawal.  But I still want one every time I see one.    Yes, I have back slid on this a few times.  Like the whole time I was on Christmas vacation!  But, I am back on track now and once again desperately wanting my coke zero!

• Eating the same thing for breakfast every day isn't as bad as I thought it would be.  I eat a half cup of oatmeal, 8 slices of apple and 2 tablespoons of peanut butter every day.  Getting my carb, protein, fruit and a little fat with the peanut butter.  Everything I need to start the day.  I am actually finding I really like it and when I try to do something else I miss my normal breakfast.

• Counting my bubbles is really quite easy and becomes second nature quite quickly.  When I started in October, I had to use a different color pen for each meal so I could see my bubbles and how they worked.  Now I have the bubbles in my head during the day and know how many of each I have used and how many I have left.  I can "see" what I have had and am able to plan accordingly and make sure that I don't go "over" in any area.

• Drinking 6-8 glasses of water every day is NOT as easy as it seems.  I thought it would be no big deal, but I am still having trouble getting the 48 ounces minimum.  I average 40 ounces.  So...the dietitian tells me that I have to view it as my job...I must drink the water.  So my new thing is I must drink 20 ounces before I go home for lunch and then I must drink 20 ounces before supper.  Then I have only 8 ounces to do after supper.  Now...to stay on this and not go backwards.

• I miss chocolate.  Today we had a teacher workday.  One of the people at my table had a bag of chocolate kisses.  She opened the bag and poured a view out.  I looked, I salivated and I resisted.  Okay, I resisted for a LONG time.  And then I had 2 kisses.  I did not have more...just the 2.  But wow, was it awesome.  I miss chocolate!

• The weight came off quickly the first week - I think I lost 6 pounds that week.  Here I am now, 3 months out and I have lost a total of 12 pounds.  So 6 pounds in one week and then 11 more weeks to lose the other 6.  UGH.  But I know why...

• I STILL do not like exercise.  I have totally and completely stunk at doing the exercise regularly like I am supposed to do.  I always seem to find something else I need to do/want to do and don't have time to exercise.  I am pathetic.  So I MUST start doing this and making it a habit.  My dietitian also said to treat this like a job - you may not want to go everyday, but you do.

• I am looking forward to when I have had the surgery...many reasons but the one that I think of the most right now is that I will not feel hungry all the time.  Right now I still have a normal sized stomach. But the amount of food I am allowed does not fill me up.  It is designed to help me lose weight before the surgery.  After the surgery, my stomach will be small and I will actually feel full after eating.  That will be wonderful!!!

• I am getting excited about the new me and my new life.  I want to buy new clothes.  But at the same time I am nervous about how to shop with a new body.  That will be interesting.  Already, even though I have only lost 12 pounds, my pants are all bigger on me.  The belt I bought I started on the biggest whole in the belt.  I am on the 3rd hole now.  So even with only 12 pounds gone, my body is obviously changing.  I actually had someone see me last week who hadn't seen me in a couple of months and she noticed and thought I had lost more than I have.  So that made me feel good!!!

• Treadmill - good idea or will it collect dust?  We are looking into a treadmill.  We both think that maybe we would actually use it - you can read and walk, watch movies and walk, etc.  I honestly think that we would both use it so I am open to input on a good one that isn't going to break the bank.

So, those are the things that are on my mind right now as January is almost half over.  Time for me to stop blogging and head out to the bonus room and do my exercise!

My heart is breaking.

"A well regulated militia being necessary to the security of a free state, the right of the people to keep and bear arms shall not be infringed."

That is the wording for the 2nd amendment to our Constitution - known as the right to bear arms by many.

If you read it, I truly believe that the writers and ratifiers of this amendment in 1791 meant it for the military. NOT for the individual person who is not part of the "militia."

In 1791 when this amendment was ratified by the states, they could not begin to imagine the weapons that humans would develop over the next 200+ years.  The weapons of that time required significant labor to fire a single shot.  The couldn't pull the trigger and set off round after round of ammunition.

I have a feeling that the people of Newtown, Connecticut today are not in favor of people being allowed to own rapid fire weapons.

With the shooter now dead, all of our questions may never be answered.  Why did he do this?  What was his thinking?  Was he after his mom?  Why kill all the children?  Could this have been handled if he told someone what was wrong?  Were their signs?  Should people have known?

The list of questions and what ifs are endless.  

What I know...every single parent in this country is holding their kids a little closer tonight and asking why.

What else I know...every single school is looking at their security and safety procedures and questioning if it is adequate.

Every single teacher is going through safety procedures in their minds and in groups and asking themselves and others what they would do in this situation.

The truth is - when a person brings in 2 weapons and is wearing a bullet-proof vest, we can have all the security we want, the person will get through it.  There are some things we simply cannot stop.

I truly believe that our schools do a fabulous job of keeping our students safe.  Working in a school, I can tell you that every adult in the building was sick to their stomach today after hearing the news.  Every lunch group conversation was about the shooting and how we could stop it, what we could do, how we would handle, etc, etc.  Every person there was worried about the KIDS and how to keep them safe.  

In truth, in this kind of a situation, your school can have the best security possible, and it wouldn't be adequate.  It's not that our schools are not safe, it's not that our schools don't care, it's not that the schools can't protect our students.  Our schools do a fabulous job of keeping our kids safe and taking precautions and having procedures for dangerous situations.

The problem is...when a person has a semi-automatic weapon and is determined to cause harm...they will.

I was talking to a colleague today.  We both agree that people should be able to have guns...a lot of people hunt. People should have the right to hunt and have the weapons they need for that.

But they certainly do not need weapons that fire round after round of ammunition.

We were talking about the fact that on the gun control issue there are extremes....no guns or any gun.  There is no in between.

I do agree with the statements that say "Guns don't kill people, people kill people."  Obviously, the guns aren't killing the people by themselves.  There have to be people firing the guns.  

I also agree that the people who want to get their hands on an assault weapon, will get them, even if they are not legal.

But it seems like the availability of these weapons is what we need to look at when we talk about gun control.

My heart is breaking for the residents of Newtown.  What those K-4 children and school personnel will live with for the rest of their lives is unbelievable.  Even police who see death as part of their job have trouble living with the sights they see.  But they are trained and at least somewhat prepared for it.  These children and school employees are NOT prepared for that.  Their memories, their visions, their dreams will FOREVER be inundated with today's happenings.

We will NEVER stop every disturbed person from causing harm.  However, the availability of weapons NEEDS to be addressed.

I honestly believe there has to be a way to allow guns for hunting and NOT all these other weapons.  

I have read on facebook some people saying they think that every teacher or school person should be armed for cases like this.

ABSOLUTELY NOT.  I do NOT want a weapon in my classroom that I am responsible for.  Having weapons available will NOT solve the problem, it could cause WAY more problems.

Like I said a moment ago, I believe that there needs to be more discussion on gun and ammunition control.  There is NO reason that these kinds of weapons and ammunition should be available outside of the military and law enforcement.  The average person does not need these kinds of weapons.

I know there will be people who argue with me about this, who say that we have a right.  But if you truly look at the 2nd amendment and the wording of it, it was intended for the right to have arms for the militia.  NOT for every Tom, Dick and Harry.

Whether or not you agree with me on the issue of gun/ammunition control, today was a horrible day in our country.

My heart breaks for all the families of the victims.  My heart breaks for the families of all the witnesses.  Basically my heart breaks.

The lesson - we only have this moment, we are not promised any more.  Take advantage of every moment of your life.  Live life to it's fullest and TELL PEOPLE THAT YOU LOVE THEM!!!  Hug your children, hug your spouses, hug your parents.  The people who are important to you should know that they are important to you.  Don't set yourself up to feel badly if you haven't told them how you feel.  

I am deeply saddened, my heart is breaking and my prayers are with all of those affected by today's tragedy.