Getting Nervous

"Don't let it break you.  No matter how hard things get, life goes on."

A few weeks ago a friend posted this on her facebook page.  I'm thinking of it this week.  Thursday I have my first appointment with the obesity surgery  doctor.  My understanding is that this appointment will determine if I am a candidate or not.

So I am getting nervous.  What will they say to me?  Will I "pass" muster?  Will I be selected for surgery or will I fail again?  Ahhhh..... scary.

I set a goal for myself before this appointment, give up my pop.  I have purchased no pop since I posted it a couple of weeks ago.  I have allowed myself to keep drinking the pop I had purchased already.  So I currently have 14 left and then it's done.  I have been slowly weening myself from my habit.  I am working on drinking lots more water as well.  It's been easier than I thought, actually.  Today I was craving water...me, craving water.  Weird.

Then I start thinking about the whole surgery thing itself.  And I start having questions:

 - how long will I be in the hospital when I have surgery?

 - how long is the recovery time?

 - will I be able to do this surgery during the school year or need to wait until summer time?
       
         part of me wants to wait until summer yet another part of me is anxious to do this and quit waiting around.  Then I say to myself, I've spent this many years over weight, what is a few more months. And then the other side of me says I HAVE spent so many years over weight, I don't want to wait any longer, let's do this thing and do it now.

 - will I have side effects from the surgery?

          several years ago I knew someone who had the surgery and she was in and out of the hospital   for like 3 months, she got very sick.  But in the long run she would still have done the surgery all over, even knowing the complications.  And then I've talked to others who have had the surgery and they have had no complications and are completely satisfied with the procedure.

 - will I finally feel full?

           I think one of the hardest parts for me of going on a diet and trying to lose weight is feeling         hungry all the time.  I never seem to feel full.  I know that through the years I have stretched my     stomach.  This is going to cut off a small pouch and reattach it to the intestines - my stomach will        be a pouch now, not a large organ.

 - what will people think of me for doing this?

            I have spent most of my life feeling self conscious about my weight and how people treat           me/talk to me/talk about me for my weight.  I have heard every single name for fat.  And        surprisingly, it still hurts.  I act like I have thick skin, like nothing bugs me but the truth is I have very thin skin.  I am very sensitive to how people treat me and say about me.

            Are people going to think I'm a failure for doing this?  Other people can lose weight and           succeed, why can't I?  Will they think I'm just copping out and taking the "easy way" out? (this is FAR from easy, by the way)

 - what if I don't lose as much weight as I would hope?

             I don't know what to expect, that's a question I will ask the doctor on Thursday.  But I know that              for once in my life, I would like to not be stared at for being fat.  I would like to not be considered the "fat girl."

 - Stupid question - will I feel like I'm not the fat girl any more?

             I call my blog the Inner Skinny Me - why?  I joke all the time that I feel 25 years old, how can I             possibly be turning 44?!?!  I have never let my weight stop me.  I am always on the go, I don't use my weight as an excuse and I do what I want to do.  (No, I don't do as much as I SHOULD do, but I do whatever I want to do.)  I think I have always imagined myself thinner because it hurts so badly when people make fun of me or put down fat people.  It doesn't even have to be me that people are talking rudely about, when I hear people putting down fat people, I get irrate.  NOTHING bothers me more.  If I get thinner, will I still feel like the fat girl?

 - will people look at me differently because I did this?

              Will people judge me?  I think this goes to the what will people think of me for doing this               question.

 - will I be able to maintain this?

                Probably one of my biggest questions/fears.  Will I fail again and put the weight back on               after going through all of this?  I am scared to death that I will fail.  That I will do this, go through everything and then a few years down the road, start over eating and stretch out my pouch and ruin everything I have done.  I have promised myself that I will not do this, that I will be strong, and will stay the course for the rest of my life.  But I still get scared that I will fail yet again.

Thursday is coming fast and I have NO IDEA what to expect from this first appointment.  All I really know is that I have to be there by 8 am and that I was told it is a 5-6 hour evaluation and I meet with a dietitian as well as the surgeon.  Mike is coming along with me to be a second set of ears and another brain.  He can think of questions I may not think of.  He may hear things that I miss.  I am SO glad to have a husband who supports me 100% and is there for me.  We will both miss an entire day of work for this appointment but it doesn't bother him at all - he is will do miss work and be there for me.  That means the world to me.

So, I'm a little on edge these days.  I have butterflies in my stomach and keep thinking of more questions.  The procedure itself doesn't scare me.  I am READY to let the inner skinny me out for the world to see.