It Takes a Village

There is an African proverb that says, "It takes a village to raise a child."  That is the the origin of the title of a book written by First Lady Hillary Clinton in 1996.

The idea is that children are influenced by more than just their immediate family, they are influenced by everyone they see every day.

Children  are impressionable, children learn what they see and what they hear.  Everyone in the community has a responsibility for raising the children in our community.  No, we don't directly care for them, we don't feed them, put them to bed, etc - but the members of the community play a very important role in the lives of our children.

Parents have the largest influence on their children and whether or not the kids will drink, smoke, do drugs, have sex, etc.

The experts say that the more time parents spend talking with their children, the less risk there is of their children making the poor choices.

We take that responsibility very seriously in our house, but we do it in a humorous way.  Our kids are old enough now that they both know about drugs, alcohol, sex, etc.  So daily we talk to our kids about their days.  We ask them what was going on at school, what happened in their lives, anything happen that was not fun?  At the end of our talking here is a typical discussion:

Mike:  Have we talked long enough?
Maggie:  Yes
Mike:  Are you going to drink?
Maggie:  No
Mike:  Are you going to do drugs?
Maggie:  No
Mike:  Are you going to smoke?
Maggie:  No
Mike:  Are you going to have sex?
Maggie:  Sometime.
Mike:  Okay, sit down, we haven't talked enough!
Maggie:  Daaad.

She used to say, No, gross.  But as she has gotten older she switched to the sometime answer.  She did it simply to get dad's goat.  Perfect!

We have the largest role in this for our children, but I know that what my kids see and hear from others plays a role as well.  It makes them question what we are saying when they see other students doing questionable things and the adults in their lives allowing it to happen.

Being a parent is tough.  Making hard decision, standing by them and being strong...not always easy, but what we have to do to raise responsible, independent, reliable children.

So, I was thinking about my own childhood and the adults other than my parents who were a part of my life.

There were, of course, my 2nd parents.  Oh wait, I had a couple sets of 2nd parents.  These people were parents of my closest friends and my parents' friends.  I spent many, many hours at their houses and those adults disciplined me like I was their own child.  I knew they were going to hold me responsible for my actions and my behavior.

I can remember very clearly being disciplined by my 2nd mom, Benda.  Darcy and I had been fighting over something, that I cannot recall.  But I got mad and I threw her piggy bank or something against her dresser and broke it.  Oooo... I remember Benda being VERY mad at me.  I had just as much "fear" of her as I had of my own parents.  I knew that I couldn't get away with things just because she wasn't my mom.

I remember going to my dad's store and the adults that worked there.  These 2 women and 1 man playes a large role in my life.  They knew what was going on in my life, they asked me about my life, they cared and I wanted to please them.

Then there were the "old people" in our neighborhood.  We had 2 sets of neighbors whose children were grown.  They were like grandparents in many ways.  There were (in my little girl language) Mr. and Mr. Jennings (sorry Carolyn, I always said Mr. and Mr.) and then there was Mr. and Mrs. Rising.  Jennings lived in the 2 story yellow house next door.  I LOVED to go over and watch Mr. Jennings working on his lawn, Mrs. Jennings cooking.  I just loved to be over there.  Mr. and Mrs. Rising lived 2 doors down in the blue house.  I can remember playing hide and seek in their house in the basement with other kids from the neighborhood.

These "old" people in our neighborhood knew my parents, but they weren't people they socialized with on a regular basis.  They socialized with my parents because of us children!  We were what got my parents and these "older" people together.

SCARY...Mike and I are now the "older" people in the neighborhood.  For the last 2 weekends we have been the old people doing fun things for the little people in our neighborhood!  Last weekend our 5 year old neighbor girl had a birthday party.  She invited all of us to her party.  But what she REALLY wanted was for us to have a bon fire for her party.  All she could talk about all week was...we have fire, right?  I get fire for my birthday, right?  Is it time for fire?  What fun.

So last Saturday night found us on our back patio with the neighbor girl and two of her little friends.  In addition, the parents of the 2 other little girls.  We had s'mores and sat around the fire enjoying the nice fall evening.

This week at school the mom of one of those other little girls told me that her daughter had asked if we were coming to HER birthday party (which is tomorrow) and if SHE got a fire too.

So guess what we did tonight?  We had a fire for this other little girl's birthday!  She and her family came, as did her grandma and grandpa.  We had s'more and hot chocolate and sat around enjoying the fire and the chilly night.

Now, we are not old like Mr. and Mrs. Jennings or Rising - our kids are still in school and living at home.  But to the little girl tonight - we are old...her grandma is one of my friends.  So to her, we are old like grandma!  :-)

That's okay with me - I don't mind being the old lady who makes s'mores for the neighbor kids.

Mike has been working on the landscaping of our yard this summer.  Recently some neighbor kids have been paying very close attention to what Mike is doing.  These kids must be home schooled because we don't know who they are.  We know where they live, down the street, but we don't know them.

These kids will do anything to be part of helping Mike with the landscaping.  They spread the mulch on our recent corner project.  It was done super quick with the help of these 2 kids.  Mike is being a part of their lives, talking with them, asking about their day, and they are loving being around him.

We have always lived in small towns.  We feel that whole "village" philosophy is easier to find in a smaller community.  I know that my friends who live in cities tell me that they find that feeling in neighborhoods in the cities.  But we really prefer small town living.

The last 2 weekends have reminded me even more how much of a responsibility we adults have in our communities.  These 2 little girls have reminded me that they are watching what we do with their little brains that are sponges.

I know my own kids watch adults and what they do and don't do and question us about it.  They watch what people do and say and then ask us why or why not.  They are watching and wondering how it applies to their lives.  I know my kids are doing this so I know other kids are watching as well.  My kids aren't special, they are normal.  Kids watch we adults, they learn from us, they model what they see.

We have a responsibility to be people we would want our children to be modeling.  We need to realize that little eyes are watching us all the time, even when we don't realize we are being observed.

"It takes a village to raise a child."  The last 2 weekends have driven that home to me.  It is fun being part of a village and I take that responsibility seriously, do you?