I honestly do not recall being nervous. Maybe if we went back in time and could look, I was, but my memory is not of nerves - just excitement.
Sometimes I wonder if I was odd that I was not nervous. I belong to a few support groups on-line for people who have had weight loss surgery and often I will read about someone who is scheduling their surgery or their surgery is in a few days or tomorrow and they are saying they are nervous and wondering if they are doing the right thing.
I truly know that once I made this decision, I have never looked back. I never second guessed myself or wondered if I was doing the right thing.
Several years ago (like 11) I knew someone who had the surgery and had many complications. She had been hospitalized for much of the 3 months following surgery, lost nearly all of her hair with the rapid weight loss, and basically just looked sickly. It scared me away from the idea of surgery.
Well, Labor Day weekend of 2012 was a turning point for me - and one from which I have never looked back! I probably need to thank my brother-in-law and his wife for the site they chose for their wedding as that played a huge role in my turning point.
They got married at Lutsen up on Lake Superior. Beautiful site for a wedding. They got married down near the beach...we all stayed in condos up a HUGE freaking flight of stairs. Those stairs were my sign #1 that it was time. I was humiliated at how out of breath I was just trying to go up those stairs. Others were going up at the same time, others who were older than me by a good 20 years in some cases. They went up and then went over and started doing whatever. I stopped part way up, was out of breath, my lungs burned, I could not breathe. Mike and I took the long way back to the condo once we reached the top of the stairs...why? So I could attempt to catch my breath and not humiliate myself more.
That sign #1 - did not turn into a positive until much later. At that point it was simply humiliation, pure and simple. I remember that when we got back to the condo, my mother-in-law and daughter were working on the groom's dinner food. She asked me why I wasn't helping my daughter and her. I, who was still trying to catch my breath and not humiliate myself, lied and told her that I had hurt my ankle on the stairs. This ankle is one that I broke in 2003 and does often bother me - but it was not bothering me that day. But it was a quick excuse to attempt to cover up my inability to breathe.
Sign #2 came later that evening during the groom's dinner. Someone I had not seen in about 5 years showed up and I did not recognize her. 18 months earlier she had had Gastric Bypass Surgery (RNY). I finally got the guts to talk to her about it and her only regret was that she hadn't done it years earlier.
I guess those 2 signs were all I needed to take the plunge. I got on-line that weekend and requested an appointment with the chief of bariatric surgery at the University of Iowa.
I guess that sign #3 was how quickly I was able to get in to see the doctor and start my journey. Within 6 weeks of taking the plunge and requesting an appointment, I was in their office starting my journey toward surgery. Now 6 weeks may seem like a long time - but getting an appointment at the University of Iowa is not always a quick and/or easy thing to do. Often they are a good 4-6 months out in scheduling things. So to me, that was sign #3 that this was what I was supposed to be doing.
Over the next 7 months, I can say that I got frustrated and was hungry - but I was never deterred from my path. In fact, that made me MORE determined. I remember a friend suggesting that since I was being successful in my 7 months and losing weight, maybe I wouldn't need the surgery after all. I know she was trying to be positive and helpful, but it made me laugh inside because I felt anything but successful. It took me 7 months to lose 30 pounds and I was starving the whole stinking time. I mean really hungry. It wasn't like my stomach shrunk and I got used to eating less. I was hungry every minute of every day. But, I didn't give in and eat junk. Yes, at times I actually ate a full meal so I would feel satisfied, just for a little while. But that was rare. Typically I stuck to my eating plan. I was determined that if I was going to do this surgery, I was going to be successful.
I look back and I am amazed. I seriously never wavered on my decision. It's like once I made that on-line request for an appointment I was on a mission and nothing was going to stop me.
I had some people question my decision - in fact try to tell me I was doing the wrong thing. Tell me about people who died when they had the surgery. Telling me about people who had the surgery and regained all the weight. That did not scare me or change my mind. It annoyed me and even angered me that they had that little faith in me. One person went so far as to scold me when I had a finger full of frosting from a cake. Yes, ONE finger tip worth of frosting from a cake. While that person stood there and ate like 2 pieces of cake and later had a couple more. That person told me that if I was going to have this surgery and expect it to work I was going to have to stop doing that or I would fail.
That did not make me question my decision, but it made me question why that person had so little faith in me. My amazing husband did what I am simply not strong enough to do, and told that person how much they hurt me by saying that to me. That person has never bothered to apologize to me, but has never said another word about my eating.
But I still did not waver. I KNEW that what I was doing was what I had to do for my health and well being. I was taking my life back and I was not letting anything stop me.
Through the past year I have also never questioned my decision or wished I had not done the surgery. Are there times that are rough, yes. Having food be fine one day and make me sick the next is not fun. But it doesn't happen that often. And if I can figure out what does it - I don't eat it any more.
I have become rather food apathetic. Meaning, I really don't care if I eat. I'm rarely hungry and when I am, nothing sounds appealing. Going out to eat is no longer something I look forward to - it's more like, "hmmm, if we go out, what will I eat?" But to me, that is a small price to pay for my health and getting my life back and being in control of my life and well being.
A year ago tonight I would never, ever have dreamed that I would be sitting here writing this post in a size 16 jeans (not a 16W, a normal person size 16 bought at Kohl's) and a MEDIUM shirt. Yes, that's smaller than large! LOL I was at a 30W pant and a 4X shirt when I started this journey in September of 2012. The change in sizes of my clothing is overwhelming to me at times. It almost makes me cry in the store when something from the "normal" sizes actually fits me. As I sit here thinking about it, I cry.
Have I reached my goal? Not yet. Notice I am not saying No, I am saying NOT YET. This morning I weighed 196.4 - that is still obese on the BMI scale. I truly want to just be overweight. I would LOVE to be "normal" but that is 40 pounds away. If I set that goal right now - it will overwhelm me. So I set smaller goals. And my current goal is to hit 187 because that puts my BMI into the "overweight" category instead of obese.
Thursday I have my 1 year appointment at the surgeon's office. I am hoping they remember the goal they set for me of 200 pounds. And I PRAY that their scale isn't too much different from mine. I may not eat all mroning before my appointment just to make sure that the normal couple of pounds you add during the day from eating and drinking aren't there for my step onto that scale. Not because it really matters, because I know what my scale at home says. But I am a pleaser - I want to please people, I want them to see I did what they set before me. So I want THEIR scale to show that I made their goal. So cross your fingers!
If I have one piece of advice to someone undertaking this journey - it's not food, diet, exercise, surgery related. It's something simpler than that. TAKE PICTURES of yourself. Even though you do not like what you look like - take pictures from all angles. AND, take measurments of your thighs, upper arms, hips, waist, bust, chest, neck. Do it at your highest weight. Then do it right before surgery. Then do it monthly after that.
I SO wish I had pics like that of me from before surgery. I wish I had measurements from before surgery. Why? The hardest part of the whole journey for me is wrapping my head around what I look like now. I still see the 327 pound girl when I look in the mirror. I need the pictures to help me truly see what I look like now. To see how much healthier I look. To see "the Inner Skinny Me" that is no longer inner!
I don't have the pics I wish - but for you here, I have a picture of the first day of school in 2012 (that was about a week before the wedding I mention). Then I have a picture from shortly before my surgery. Then I have 4 pictures that I just went and made my husband take right now!
March 2013 - down about 20 pounds from highest weight - about 6 weeks before surgery.
NEVER would I have dreamed I would post a picture of my backside! But darn it, I'm rather proud! And being a choir director - that IS the side the audience always gets to see - so I am glad I have made it a nicer sight to look at! LOL
Do I have further to go - absolutely. If I can make it work in my future, I would LOVE to have plastic surgery done to remove the excess skin from my tummy. That "might" get covered by insurance. I would also love to do a breast lift - they simply are NOT what they used to be! LOL - and that too I may be able to get covered because of back/shoulder pain due to the weight. In my dream world I would get rid of my "bat wings", otherwise known as the arm flab that hangs down on my upper arms. And I would love a thigh lift from all the sagging skin there. Those two, however, are almost never covered by insurance - so they are a pipe dream! But a girl can dream.
In the mean time - I go to the gym and work on toning and firming and trying to tighten up as much of it as I can that way.
As I look at the pictures above - I cry. I am proud of what I have accomplished in the last 19 months. I am proud that I have never stopped working toward my goal and never given up on myself. I have bad days, I don't eat what I am supposed to eat all the time - I sometimes eat things I shouldn't eat. But I don't punish myself for those days. I move forward and start fresh each day telling myself I can do this and it is worth it.
I LOVE the new outer me. I am PROUD of the new outer me. I am THRILLED that the outer me now matches more closely the inner me.
I have loved the last year and can't wait for the next year to see what I can accomplish with this wonderful tool I received a year ago.
