Frustrated and Hungry

Bubble this, bubble that, drink your water, drink more water, exercise, drink milk, drink more water.

Last weekend was Thanksgiving and I TOTALLY blew everything about the above list.

Now, I DID bubble what I ate, I did write down everything that I ate.  But let's just say that there were a few extra bubbles on those pages.  And there was food that did not really have bubbles to fill out!

So I get up on Monday morning and weigh myself and I lost 4 pounds.  WHAT?

Yes, I had lost 4 pounds over the Thanksgiving holiday weekend.

Most of the 5 days off I spent sleeping in as late as I wanted, which usually meant that I slept right through breakfast and my morning "snack" of milk.  I would eat lunch, I would eat supper and yes, I would eat snacks at the movie.

We went to the movie 4 times over the weekend.  I ate snacks at each one.  And yet, I still lost 4 pounds?!

Now, 3 days later, I've been up at normal times again, eating my healthy breakfast and having my mid-morning snack of milk.  I've been making sure to drink my water, etc.  Kind of worked on getting back on the wagon after falling off.

So I'm going to lose more weight, right?  NO - I've put those 4 pounds back on.

OK, so that is the most frustrating thing EVER.

Break all the rules, eat like crap.  Enjoy pie with home made whipping cream, eat pretzel bites at the movie (dipped in nacho cheese), snack on cookies Mike is baking......and I lose 4 pounds.

I can't believe that the skipping of breakfast and those few calories I actually eat then would mean losing pounds.  Especially considering that I was eating WAY more calories in all the snacking I was doing.

And now that I'm back on the restricted calorie diet, and actually sticking to it, I put pounds back on.

THIS is why I hate "dieting" and focusing on eating right.  When I do what I am supposed to do, follow the rules, I either maintain weight or gain weight.  But when I "cheat" and eat what tastes good, I lose weight.

How in the heck am I supposed to make sense of that?  How is that supposed to inspire me to stick to this restricted diet and deprive myself of the nummy foods I love....like chocolate!!

So I am looking forward to seeing the dietitian in a couple of weeks and asking about this.  Feeling very frustrated and hungry.

Inspiration hits

A friend mentioned today that they had not seen a blog post lately.  I replied, "Yeah, I know."  Her reponse, "Nothing inspiring you?"

That's exactly it...the same things seem to inspire me daily, but I feel like I will bore you with my constant repetition.

I know in my heart that my views of accepting everyone for whomever they are is a message worth saying and worth repeating.  But those of you reading have commented to me enough that I know that I am "preaching to the choir".

How can I get that message across to those that need to hear it?  How do I get people to understand the hurt and devastation the cause by judging others by standards that are just not fair?

I was watching "Lincoln": this weekend and I thought about all that our country went through just to get slavery abolished.  I honestly thought the Emancipation Proclamation was what did it.  I didn't realize that it was only a small part and that getting the amendment passed was a separate thing.

But watching the movie...wow, it brought up so many thoughts in my head.  How scared our nation was of the idea of black people having equal rights.  The fear of ...gasp... inter-racial marriage.  Or even letting a black person vote.  Let alone a black woman!  Yikes - the world might end.

But we have gotten past that.  No, I'm not naive enough to say that we don't have racism or sexism.  But as a whole, our nation no longer fears black people.  We are smart enough to realize that the color of one's skin is simply the color of their skin.  It's no different than brown eyes, blue eyes, etc.  It's not something that is to be used to discriminate.

So why do we continue to discriminate against people for other reasons?  Sexual orientation is my big frustration.  Seriously - people think that somehow, allowing two people to marry who are in love and just happen to be of the same gender, somehow this will hurt the institution of marriage?  This will make a mockery of marriage?

I mean come on.   How many times was Elizabeth Taylor married?  What about the Kardasean (or however you spell that) marriage.  What, it lasted like 72 hours.  THAT is allowed and accepted and that doesn't make a mockery of marriage?

I think about people who live in my town and I don't know.  They may live a couple of blocks from me.  If they are married - HOW does their marriage, their relationship affect mine?  It does NOT!

So how does allowing EVERYONE to marry the partner of their choice affect others?  I have tried and tried and tried to figure this out.  I have tried to figure out their argument and why they are so positive that gay marriage will end the sanctity of marriage.  I just cannot see their argument.  I cannot wrap my brain around it.

I am a very open and accepting person.  I find it funny sometimes because throughout my life some of my closest friends have been, and still are, completely opposite in opinions to me.  It is because of these people that I try so hard to understand their point of view.  They are important people to me, I love them dearly, but I cannot understand this point of view even though I love them.  But...It doesn't change my opinion of them.  I still love them.  Don't understand them - but Love them.  WE simply do NOT talk politics, religion, etc.  Or we wouldn't remain friends.

I tell my children regularly that you don't have to like someone's opinions, but you have to respect them.

Here is what I don't get - why can't people take that attitude about marriage?  You don't have to like someone's spouse choice, but it is their choice and you should respect them.  Just like you can dislike someone's opinion and still respect them.

There is a thing flying around on fb and such that says...

Don't like cigarettes?  Then don't smoke.
Don't like guns?  Then don't own one.
Don't like gay marriage?  Then don't marry a gay.

I can't remember all of the things on there, but you get the point.

I'm allergic to pets and to perfumes and odors - does that mean that I should be able to tell everyone they can't have a pet or wear perfume or use smelly laundry detergent?  NO.  And gosh, I am legitimately allergic to these things and get sick from being around them.  Yet I do not require everyone in my world to follow my regulations.

So if you don't like same-sex marriage, bully for you.  But it shouldn't mean that you can tell same-sex couples they can't get married.  That is YOUR belief, your opinion.  That's the wonderful part of a free country - we are all free to live our lives the way we wish.

I am proud of our country and the recent elections.  Three states took measures to stop this discrimination.  That is huge.  I went to bed November 6th sick at heart worrying about those measures.  I woke up happily relieved.  I was so happy that those states took a stand for equality for ALL not just equality for those that some people deem worthy.

I truly believe that when the for-fathers wrote that all should be equal, they meant all.  Rich, poor, black, white, straight, gay....all of that doesn't matter.  We were all made by the same God - He loves us all.

Thank You!

I have been absent for the past week, lots going on in life and school.  Getting ready for programs in 2 weeks means busy, busy, busy!

Facebook has this thing - 30 days of Thankfulness.  People are posting each day about the things they are thankful for.

I have been doing this all month.  Each day I try to think about the things that I am truly thankful for.

Last Friday I was already having a crappy morning, following a crappy Thursday.  I was in my classroom, not my happy place in the entry way.  I was too crabby to be in the entry way, I was hiding in my classroom.

In come 3 students.  These 3 kids are bouncy, energetic and well, goofy!  I love them.  They came into my room to put their horns away for band later in the afternoon.  Then they spent the next 10 minutes joking around with me, being silly and totally cheering up my day.

It's things like that that remind me how important our attitudes are and how much we can affect other people.

These kids didn't set out to cheer me up - they just came in and were being their normal, goofy selves!  Without trying, without knowing how much good they were doing, they made my day so much better.

What we say and do affect the people around us.  Both negatively and positively.

ONE negative word or comment can cause someone pain.  Something unintentionally said or done can cause another person pain or sadness.

It's so important to be observant of how our actions and words affect the people around us.  Even when people don't want us to know, often we can tell by their actions, their tone, their manner.

I am trying very hard, not always successfully, to be more observant of those around me.  Why?  Because I know that I am an expert of hiding my true feeling when someone is hurtful to me.  I quickly put on a front so that it appears that it doesn't hurt or bother me.  But honestly, it hurts to the core.  I take things personally and when someone says/does something hurtful, it cuts me deeply.  But instead of telling them, I hide it.

Why do I hide it?  I don't want to appear weak?  I think more over I am worried that if they see they hurt me they will know how to "get to me" and do it in the future.

That is a remnant of my growing up years and being bullied for my weight and my intelligence.  I learned then that when I let on that it hurt me, they did it more.  I learned then to put up a front and not show my true emotions - not let them know that they were hurting me.

We learn young how to protect ourselves, protect our hearts.  We learn how to raise our defenses so as not to let others past them.

The problem with that....just because we pretend that it doesn't bother us or hurt us doesn't mean that it truly doesn't.  Fact is, it affects us greatly and more than that - the more that we try to hide it, the more we are hurting ourselves.

I know that for me, personally, when I hide my feeling and pretend that I'm not hurting...I get even more hurt inside because somehow I think they should realize just how hurtful they are being.  Hmmm - so I won't tell them they are hurting me, I pretend they are not, but expect them to know?  Yikes - that's backwards!

Backwards, that's me!  But I truly think that my youth plays a big part in that.  It was easier to hurt inside twice over than to let the others know they were hurting me because when I did, they hurt me more - they took joy in hurting me.

I hope that as adults, people don't take joy in hurting other adults, but that old habit is way too hard to break.  It's too risky for me to admit they are hurting me, I've been burned way too many times.

So, back to my original topic - we have so much to be thankful for and I have been trying very hard to be focusing on those things.  And as I do that I have been trying to be more observant of the people around me and how things are affecting them.

Can I be a positive in their lives.  Can I be there for them when I see that they are hurting?  Can I help pick them up?  I know that for me when someone notices that I am hurting, it means the world to me.  They may not be able to fix it, they may not be able to make the situation better...but the fact that they are paying attention and noticing that I hurt makes all the difference.

So I guess that I have decided that if someone noticing for me makes that much of a difference...maybe I can make a difference for others by paying attention and noticing when others are hurting.

So over all, I am thankful for my life experiences (yes, even the bad ones) because they have made me who I am.  I think that my experiences have allowed me to be a better mom, wife, teacher, friend than I would be if I hadn't had all of those experiences.

So, thank you God, for my life.  For giving me the most amazing husband I could ever have.  He "gets" me more than I could ever imagine!  He doesn't always understand why I react the way I do, but he is always supportive.

Thank you for my amazing children.  I am honestly blessed, they have taught me more than I could ever hope to teach them.

Basically, thank you!

I Passed!

So last night after reading my blog, my amazing husband came into the family room and said, "Would you like me to go with you to the appointment?"

I, of course, said that I didn't need him to come, he's busy, etc.  He assured me that he could make it work and I said, "Yes, I would love you to come."

So he came along with me assuring me that if the dietitian went "jillian" on me he would yell right back at her.

Now that is what I call love.  I am one lucky lady!

So we get there and the first thing they do.......the scale.

Every month when I go in that is the first thing we do....same scale every time.

The result of my first month of "bubbling" my food.......11 pounds gone.

I am proud of that 11 pounds.  They came off fast and then have stayed steady, but I am happy with the overall result of 11 pounds.

After "the scale" I had to sit back in the waiting room for a little bit awaiting the dreaded dietitian.

When I get called back, it's two lovely young women.  One is a dietitian intern and the other a "real" intern.  But neither of them is THE dietitian I was expecting to see.

We got the chance to ask lots of questions, talk about what has gone well, what is not going as well.  The whole time they are going through my food diary and answering questions on their computer about me.

Have I stopped drinking pop.  Am I exercising?  Am I taking 30 minutes to eat my meals?  Am I NOT drinking during meals and 30 minutes before or after?  Am I getting my 6-8 glasses of water every day?  Etc, etc.

What happened when they saw the honesty of my food diary and the poor choices I have made over the past few days....

NOTHING - they told me not to get down about it.  They were happy to see that I was writing it down even though I knew it was wrong to be eating it.  They encouraged me to keep at it and I would succeed.

Whew.  Bullet dodged - not feeling nearly as bad about it tonight.

We did ask for help for ideas of fast meals or meals on the go.  With our lifestyle with all of the events Mike needs to attend, I need to attend or the kids are in...we need to have food that can be prepared and taken on the go.  They were going to get with the "head dietitian" because she has files of ideas and such.  Then they will email me some ideas.

So, all that worry for nothing.  It went well, they thought I was doing a good job and that I should keep at it and the areas where I was falling down some, I should focus on those and work to improve those areas.

In other words, I passed!

Comfort foods.....oops - shouldn't do that

Well...tomorrow I meet with my dietitian for the first time to "go over" my daily food diary.

Nervous - yes.  What if I have been doing it wrong?  What if I totally screwed up things?

What if she yells at me for my times I ate the wrong things?

What if she yells at me for not being on the exercise wagon like I should be?  Yes, I've been doing some exercising, but not the daily doing it like I am supposed to be doing.  UGH.

I've had a "down" few days and I have found myself resorting to my finding comfort from food.  Yikes - I need to stop myself from doing that.

Why is it that when I am feeling down and depressed I turn to food?  Seriously, I was thinking about that today.  I have spent SO much of my life being teased, bullied, feeling horrible about my weight.  I know that my eating habits are poor.

I know that comfort from food is really very short lived - yes, it's delicious, yes, it makes me feel good at the time.  But later....argh, the pounds come on and I feel crappy about myself for eating.

I'm actually thinking it would be better for me if I screwed up and had a pop!  At least there aren't any calories.

It's frustrating to me that for nearly 4 weeks I have done so well and then have a bad day or two and I "fall off the wagon".   Then, I find it's a cycle - I fall off the wagon - I feel bad about myself for doing so, I get down, so I eat more.   ARGH

It made me think about the support group last week where one of the women said how difficult it is to accept the different you.  She said that she was seeing a therapist who specialized in helping people accept the new them and figure out WHY we turn to food and deal with those issues.  I may need to check into this therapist.  I know what I do, but I need to figure out why and how to stop turning to food!  Especially since it's so cyclical and just makes me feel worse.

So, lots of emotions going into this first dietitian meeting tomorrow.  I think that in the back of my mind I think she's going to yell at me like Jillian does on the Biggest Loser.  I do NOT need someone yelling at me.  I do NOT respond well to that!

I have always put up a good front - very outgoing, loud, strong...but I take things VERY personally and straight to heart.  I take things TOO personally much of the time, so if she yells at me, I won't do well.  I'll put up a good front, I won't let her know she's hurting me, but it will.

I'm hoping that this woman will not attack me for my faults, but help me work through them and become a better me.  That is what I need.  Someone to help me, build me up, assure me I can do this and I won't fail.  Someone who won't ride me for my faults, but help me get through/over them and move forward.

Here's to hoping for a good first meeting.

Support Group #1

Have I mentioned that I am the luckiest woman and wife?

Tonight was my first Bariatric Surgery support group.  This is for people who have had bariatric surgery or who are preparing for it.

I went into this meeting not knowing what to expect.  And my amazing husband agreed to go along with me.

At the meeting tonight were 2 people who had the surgery in September, one who is 3 years out, one who is 6 months out, one who is 1 year out and one like me who is just starting the journey.

Got some great ideas for ways to eat things that are tasty, but good for you.  Found out about a Chocolate Skim Milk that is sweetened with Splenda.  So I am looking forward to finding that and trying it.  They told me that it is so chocolatey many people do half white milk, half this chocolate milk!

Not sure about the powdered peanut butter they told me about - but I will try it and see.

Also got some recipes to try:  White Chocolate Raspberry Mouse, Asian Meatballs and a Pumpkin Bake.  So may try them!

The support group was pretty interesting.  We started the evening by introducing ourselves, telling where in the process we are and then (for those who have had surgery) the best part of having the surgery and the worst part.

Honestly, the 5 people there who have had the surgery had very little negative to say about it.  There were the small recovery issues that you would have after any surgery, but nothing huge.

I especially related to the woman who was 6 months out from surgery.  She talked about how frustrating it is that binge eating or food addiction is not recognized by the world as an eating disorder just like anorexia and bulimia.  We have programs for those diseases, but we don't for food addiction.

She talked about how she is having trouble wrapping her brain around her new body and how she still thinks about those "comfort foods" she would eat.  She talked about how important it is to do the therapy they recommend.  I thought that was very enlightened.

Ok - at this point, I must stop typing and watch the coverage of the election because I am a happy woman voter this evening!

My dream ....

I think by now, if you have been reading my blog at all, you know that I am a big believer that ALL people should be accepted, loved and treated as equal and important.

Tomorrow my friends and relatives in Minnesota are voting on an amendment that would limit the rights of some people if it passes.

I know that not all people believe in same sex marriage, and that is their right.  We all have the right to believe how we believe.

I have been extremely grateful that no one has blasted me for my beliefs and thoughts.  I konw that my views are not always popular but they are mine.  I work hard to tell my kids that you do not have to agree with the opinions of others, but you have to respect their right to have their own opinion.

In that light, I will NOT blast people for having the beliefs that they do, even if I disagree with them.

I will remind people, however, that voting NO will not change anything.  Voting NO will keep things exactly as they currently are in Minnesota.  There are still like 155 laws in Minnesota that limit the rights of same sex couples.  Voting NO will not change any of that.  Voting NO will not allow same sex couples to marry, because they are not recognized now.

Voting yes will make it a law saying that marriage is ONLY between a man and a woman.

Will that mean that same sex couples will cease to exist?  NO
Will that mean that same sex couple will stop raising families?  NO
Will that mean that your heterosexual marriage will mean more?  NO

So, if voting yes doesn't stop all of this, what is the point of voting yes?  The only point that I truly see is to tell some people that their love is not as important or worthy of other's love.

Seriously - can we legislate love and who has a right to be a couple?  I don't think so.

It wasn't so long ago that there were rallies in the streets trying to ban inter-racial marriages.

Have inter-racial marriages destroyed our country?  NO
Have inter-racial marriages destroyed the sanctity of marriage?  NO
Have inter-racial marriages made my heterosexual marriage less?  NO

Infact, we don't call it "inter-racial marriage" anymore.  We call it...... MARRIAGE.

Marriage is the union of two people who are in love and want to share every aspect of their lives together.

One of the things I've recently seen said it very well to me.

A gay person doesn't go to the gay grocery store, they don't go to the gay post office or go to the gay gas station.

A person is a person is a person.  And one of the hardest things we do in life is find that person who we love and they love us in return.  To find that person who completes us and makes us whole.  To find that person who loves us for our flaws as well as our good points.  To find that person who finishes our thoughts without even trying.

Why should we try to tell someone that they shouldn't love who they love?  God made me who I am.  I've never heard someone say to me that I chose to be attracted to men.  It's just who I am.  No one questioned that.  Yet my friend Joel loves a man, and we question him and say he chose that life?  ARe you kidding me?  Seriously - in the society we live in where the LGBT community is ridiculed, excluded, discriminated against....WHY would anyone chose to be gay?

NO, it's not a choice.  God made them just the way they are.  If we believe that God made me the way I am, why do we not believe that God made them the way they are?  Everything I have always heard and read is that God doesn't make mistakes, God made us all.  So if God made us all and God doesn't make mistakes....well, you see where I am going.

Tomorrow, my friends and family in Minnesota, I hope you will vote NO on the marriage amendment.  Even if you disagree with all of my beliefs, which is your right, a NO vote will not make my world vision come true.  A NO vote simply does NOT limit the rights of one group of people.  A NO vote ensures that this one group of people will NOT have their rights legally made different than my rights.

In 1963, Martin Luther King Jr. gave a 17 minute speech that is still remembered today.  He was fighting for racial equality and an end to discrimination.  Are we where King dreamed?  Not yet - but we are a far sight closer than we were in 1963.

MY dream is that tomorrow, Minnesotans will vote NO so that the rights of a group of people are not limited even more than they already are.  MY dream is that Minnesotans will vote NO.  It is my dream that one day, all people - regardless of race, gender, sexual orientation, language, religion - will be considered equal.  God made us all and ALL deserve to be treated the same.

This blog tonight is dedicated to all of my friends who have had to fight to be accepted for who they are.  Our world is not fair and I hope that one day you will all be appreciated and loved for who you are.  I love you all for exactly what God made you - amazing!

Stumble, mistake...move forward with a clean slate

So, I've fallen down a bit on my exercising and my eating.  This past week has been incredibly busy...not that I am using that as an excuse.

Last week we had parent/teacher conferences, Halloween, parent/teacher conferences.  By the time each day ended, I was exhausted which resulted in no exercise.

Meals provided at parent/teacher conferences resulted in eating GREAT food, but not following my bubble regimen very well.

On the up side, As of Friday I was down a total of 10 pounds now after 3 weeks.  So, I must be doing a little of something right?!?!

What this last week has made me think about is the fact that we all have set backs, we all make mistakes, but we can't let that be what defines us.

This weekend I have been thinking about students and how we relate to them and the expectations we have of them.

Kids make mistakes, kids do dumb things.  Do we let that be how we define them or how we think of them?

Specifically I have been thinking about my daughter.  She did something really stupid last week.  Nothing dangerous, nothing malicious, but stupid.  The worst part is she lied about it afterwards when she got "caught"!

I swear, it doesn't matter how many times you tell a kid that if they lie, they WILL get caught and they WILL be in more trouble than if they had told the truth in the first place.

So, she got caught being stupid and then worse yet, she got caught lying about it.

After a LONG discussion about what happened, what should have happened, what she did, what she should have done, how she lied, what she should have said...we had many, many tears.

The ultimate ending of the discussion was the fact that she is a kid.  She will make mistakes, she is human, she is normal!  We explained that even though she knows what she did is stupid, she will do stupid things again - why?  Because she is a kid and kids make mistakes.  She can easily see, in retrospect, what she did was wrong and what she should have done.  But kids don't think ahead like that, they run with what they want at that moment....normal.

Luckily, we have a great relationship with our daughter and we talked about this very openly.  The biggest thing we ended with was that NO MATTER WHAT, we love her.  We love her when she makes dumb choices, we love her when she lies, we love her when she makes mistakes....none of that will make us stop loving her.

She's a normal kid.  I teach a bunch of normal kids...so I teach a bunch of kids who make mistakes, just like my daughter!

Do we as educators remember that point?  That kids are normal and they make mistakes?  Do we remember that when we were their age WE made mistakes?  Do we allow kids to make mistakes, do wrong things, without judging them?

YES, there are some things that absolutely must be reprimanded.  There are some things that we cannot dismiss as kids make mistakes.  When it comes to physically or emotionally harming someone, we MUST take a stand.  Bullying absolutely cannot be tolerated.

But what about the stupid mistakes that don't hurt someone?  Yes, there need to be consequences. Maggie's stupid mistake cost her our trust and letting her do something she really wanted to do.  She needed to realize that we take honesty seriously.

So yes, kids need to have consequences.  But then we need to allow them to have a clean slate.  We need to let those kids move forward and know that their NORMAL mistake will not hang over their head.  Kids need to know that every day we have them in class is a new day, no grudges held, no preconceived ideas about what they will do, a totally clean slate.

I messed up last week - but if that is held against me, if I am judged for a mistake that I made, I am more likely to screw up again.  You feel like you are expected to make a mistake and we tend to do that then, make the mistake that we think people are expecting us to make.

So can we give our students, our children, the benefit of the doubt?  Can we allow them to make the mistakes that we know they will make and then forgive them?  Give them a clean slate.

We all make mistakes, we all mess up and we ALL need the chance to redeem ourselves without others expecting us to fail.

I will not fail in my plans because I have a wonderful support system who believes in me and allows me to stumble, allows me to make mistakes, but doesn't judge me.  Instead, they pick me up, they help me move forward and tell me they believe in me.

Imagine if our students had that in all of the adults around them - people who believe in them, allow them to stumble, allow them to make mistakes and don't judge them.  Then, pick them up and help them move forward with them knowing that we believe in them.

That would make a huge difference in the lives of our students.