It is absolutely amazing to me how quickly one can be transported back in time. It takes one smell, one song, one taste, or one comment to quickly make you feel like you are 16 again.
This morning that happened to me. Two short sentences transported me back to HS and all of the feelings from then. For me, this is NOT a good thing.
30 years has past since I was 16, but the memories of the way I was treated by some people feel like yesterday when something like this happens.
I think one of the hardest things my amazing husband has had to put up with in our 24+ year relationship is my self-esteem, or lack there of. He sees things bring me down, he sees how things affect me, he sees my lack of confidence in myself...and he is always reminding me about the good things, about who I really am inside.
Today, I called him in where I was getting ready for work and I told him he was going to be proud of me. He looked at me and in typical Mike said, "I'm always proud of you." Then he saw I was upset. I explained that there was a fb group conversation started by HS classmates of mine. They are wanting to plan a trip somewhere for when we all turn 50. The person who started it said in the first post, feel free to add people from our class. So I'm reading from the beginning of the conversation (I got added this morning). Sounds like fun, they are planning a trip to somewhere, domestic to keep costs down, and people are throwing out ideas.
Then a classmate says, "Aren't you going to invite Molly? Just kidding, that was mean."
Boom - I'm 16 again.
Why did I tell Mike he'd be proud of me? He is always telling me to remove myself from situations that are like that - hurtful. But I never do because 1) I don't want to hurt someone's feelings and 2) I imagine that after I do remove myself then I'm talked about and bad mouthed.
But today, as I was blowdrying my hair, with tears running down my face, I decided...to hell with it - I do not need to subject myself to this. And I "left the conversation".
Now I know that may not seem like a big deal - but for me it is. I can't unfriend someone on facebook because that's confrontational to me. I don't like confrontation. I avoid it at all cost. I will say "I'm Sorry" if it means the confrontation will end - even if I have nothing to be sorry for. But today, something in me snapped and I had enough belief in myself to leave the conversation, regardless of if they will talk about me.
I don't know if my weight loss journey is the reason for my ability to finally do something for myself in this regard or not. My whole weight loss journey has been doing something for myself...taking control of my health.
My brain has been racing since this morning. Thinking, pondering...when did I lose confidence in myself? I have great memories of Kindergarten and first grade. I remember holding hands with Jess Graba in 1st grade (under the table during movies). I remember show and tell in Kindergarten. I don't remember a lot, but what I do remember is all good.
2nd grade - I have 2 memories - one of a boy having to be restrained by the teacher and one where I got the number of syllables in estate wrong. Not sure why I have so few memories from that grade.
But 3rd grade on - the memories that come are not pleasant. I'm not saying there are no good memories, I'm just saying that if you ask me to remember those years what immediately comes to my mind is negative.
In Kindergarten and 1st grade I was average size like the rest of my classmates. 2nd grade - like I said, no memories. But in 3rd grade I would be what you would call pleasantly plump. That's when the bad memories start.
No, I am not saying that all the bad memories are because of my weight - but I have learned that the continued weight gain has a lot to do with my memories and my emotions. One boy in HS even decided it would be fine to call me "Moose" - and no one stopped him. They thought it was funny.
I was/am definitely an emotional eater. Food makes you feel better, right? Ha
I'm a strong willed person. I was raised to do my best, be strong. I grew up in a family of yellers. We were a loud family. Want to be heard - shout a little louder. LOL - if only we had stopped yelling and listened better to each other. But that's another story.
Anyway, Somehow my being strong developed into me being a bossy know-it-all. Yes, I wanted to be in charge, I wanted things done my way (the right way, of course) and I wanted it to be good. This part of me is probably why to this day I have a lot of acquaintances and very few actual friends I could call in when I am in need.
I have never made friends easily - part of it, I think, is because I suck at small talk. And, until recently, I sucked at listening. Remember - yell louder you'll be heard. LIstening was not a strong point - so conversations needed to be ME centered. I still find it easier to talk about my kids or something I'm doing in school or something I know than to talk with others about whatever. But I'm really working on that. I also have trouble looking people in the eye when talking - never understood exactly why - but it's only when I feel the "lesser role."
So, I've never made friends easily - but growing up, I desperately wanted friends. I wanted someone to want to hang out with me. I wanted to be "popular". As I think back (oh if only we could know then what we know now!) I did everything I could do to be noticed. I talked about myself, I bragged about my grades, I made sure people knew I was there.
I guess I thought if they knew I was smart, doing well, involved in many things they would think I was worthy of their friendship. But (again, if only I knew then what I know now) it did the exact opposite - actually made it worse to be honest.
Unfortunately, one of the things I was teased about, relentlessly by some, was my weight. My reaction? When I got home I would eat. My favorite emotional eating food - Cheetos with dip. Yep, with dip. Delicious. Oh - not just some - the whole bag. Food made me feel good, food became my panacea to a bad day. Fighting with my mom or brother or dad? Eat, that will make me feel good.
At school, Music was my saving grace - it was my safe place - a place I could be me. Music was a place I could just be and not be judged - most of the time anyway.
The funny thing - a memory - I was voted most likely to become president my senior year. Ha - I thought," Wow, they believe in me." Looking back - did they believe in me or was it "she is bossy and wants to be in charge - always makes herself be in charge so she'll make it so she IS in charge."
To put it lightly - I HATED high school. It was pure hell for me. I went home most days and cried.
BUT - that's why I became a teacher. I have always said, "If I can help just ONE person through the hell we call high school, I will feel like I have accomplished something." I have been fortunate that there are former students who now, as adults, have told me that I did make a difference for them. I did give them that place where they could be accepted for who they are. Knowing that keeps me going. Keeps me staying the person who will always be there for the kids.
My favorite part of my day at school? Breakfast. I have breakfast duty every single day. Most people hate being in the lunch room, loud, messy. But I love it. Why? Because the kids are just kids there and you learn so much about them. You get to know them as a kid, not just a student. You get to know who needs a little more attention, who can use a hug, who needs to be reminded to be kind, etc. I love going to the events my students are in - supporting them and them knowing that what they do outside of my classroom is cool and awesome.
On of my classroom expectations is that you will show respect for feelings. And I always start the year talking about who has been teased, how does it make you feel, who HAS teased - think about it, you are making them feel the way you said you don't like. You get the idea. I try to put it to them in a way they will understand.
So, I left Wadena and headed to college and never looked back. I was so glad to get away from high school and all that meant to me. At college, I met the love of my life. Someone who gets ME. Understand me inside and out. I thank God daily for putting him in my life.
Fast forward to 2007 - my 20th reunion. About a week before the reunion a classmate contacted me and asked if I had pictures. My mom did a great job in my younger years of taking pics and having them in little albums. I had a lot of pics from preschool and early elementary school. Those were great memories for me - those were the years I do remember fondly.
I scanned them in and sent them to her. During the slide show presentation one of the pictures from like my 5th or 6th birthday came up - there were at least 8 classmates in the picture. As we watch the slide show a classmate yells out, "Hey look, it's when Molly HAD friends." And everybody laughed. Needless to say, I remember little else from the reunion. The other memory from that reunion is the same classmate going up to the microphone and calling people who weren't at the reunion and calling them losers and hanging up on them. THAT in itself is bad, but worse - nobody stopped him. A lot of people laughed and egged him on. Others just ignored it - but no one stopped him.
I was already "done" because of the comment he had made about me during the slide show...so I had nothing in me to stand up to him. Besides, that would be confrontational - and I've already talked about how much I like confrontation. But none of my classmates told him to stop either.
We finished the night, didn't stay long, Mike was ready to walk out during the slide show - but me, Miss Anti Confrontation, wouldn't let him. I made us stay.
Why do I talk about that? Because 20 years later I had the same feelings from high school. That I'm not worth anything, they have a right to treat me that way and I should just put up with it. I was told so much to ignore that kind of behavior and it will go away. Or that I was paranoid and thought everyone was out to get me. But it never went away, so I started to believe that that was normal for me to be treated that way - I deserved to be treated that way.
Kids do not realize the impact teasing and belittling can have on a person. For that matter, adults don't realize the impact words can have on a person.
I've realized something about myself recently... I always think I'm younger than everyone else around me. I'm not. But I always feel like they know more than me, they are more deserving than me, they are the ones who should get to call the shots, I should just let them because I'm not worth anything. Ha - it's not that I feel younger - it's that I feel like I'm not worth it. I don't deserve it. I'm horribly nervous about leading a group of adults doing something - what if they don't like what I'm doing, what if they say I'm doing it wrong, what if they make fun of me, what if they don't like me because I ...... you get the picture.
But for my whole life I have not been willing to stand up for myself, not even a little, when it comes to matters of self-worth. I've allowed people to control how I feel about myself. I've given others way too much control of ME.
This morning - after reading the comment. I couldn't take myself out of the conversation. I thought I needed to just stay there and stay quiet otherwise I'd be asking for them to belittle me more.
Then I got mad at myself and decided, NO, I'm worth it. And I removed myself from the conversation...literally.
This may not seem like a big deal to most people but for me it was HUGE. Later today, when I get the chance to get on facebook, I will actually go a step further and "unfriend" the person who made the comment. That person has been in my life from birth and starting about 4th grade, she has been nothing but nasty to me. But I've allowed her to be part of my life because I felt like I couldn't cut her out because it might hurt her feelings.
WHO AM I KIDDING - she has made it clear that she has no trouble hurting feelings, why should I be allowing her to do it to me.
Like I said - this is HUGE for me. It's 46 - it's time I learned to stand up for myself and believe in myself. And get rid of the negative people in my life. I don't have to let them stay there - I can choose to remove them.
So I get to school this morning and I'm still in a funk. I started writing this blog entry. Then I have a class come in - 4th graders. I decided that this may not be about music, but it most certainly is about school. I told them this whole story...condensed of course. And, I cried as I told it. Yes, my students saw me cry - actually had a hard time talking at first I was crying so hard.
But they saw just how REAL it is. I talked with them about how you may think - I'm 10, I'm just saying one little thing, I'm just teasing....but when you are on the receiving end of that day after day, it sticks. I told them that I was there to tell them that what you say now WILL be remembered and DOES have an affect on people.
I told them we always talk about bullying. I said I don't like that word because they hear it so much it has stopped meaning much to them. I told them, when you say or do anything to someone that you wouldn't want said or done to you (or do it behind their backs) - then you are in the wrong. NO ONE has the right to make others feel that way.
I told the kids, don't take until you are 46 to "unfriend" those people in your life. YOU ARE WORTH BETTER. I assured them that if they know the feelings I'm talking about, then they need to remember that I, and the other adults in the building, are there for them. We will listen, we will help.
If I can help kids have good self-esteem, something I have never really had, I will be happy. I can get across the idea to students that YOU MATTER and You deserve to be treated well. Don't wait until you're 46 to decide to stand up for yourself.
So, I'm 16 again today. Trying hard to get back to 46, but having a tough day as my brain floods me with memories. Tomorrow, I will be 46 and I will decide I am worth it.
