My heart is breaking.

"A well regulated militia being necessary to the security of a free state, the right of the people to keep and bear arms shall not be infringed."

That is the wording for the 2nd amendment to our Constitution - known as the right to bear arms by many.

If you read it, I truly believe that the writers and ratifiers of this amendment in 1791 meant it for the military. NOT for the individual person who is not part of the "militia."

In 1791 when this amendment was ratified by the states, they could not begin to imagine the weapons that humans would develop over the next 200+ years.  The weapons of that time required significant labor to fire a single shot.  The couldn't pull the trigger and set off round after round of ammunition.

I have a feeling that the people of Newtown, Connecticut today are not in favor of people being allowed to own rapid fire weapons.

With the shooter now dead, all of our questions may never be answered.  Why did he do this?  What was his thinking?  Was he after his mom?  Why kill all the children?  Could this have been handled if he told someone what was wrong?  Were their signs?  Should people have known?

The list of questions and what ifs are endless.  

What I know...every single parent in this country is holding their kids a little closer tonight and asking why.

What else I know...every single school is looking at their security and safety procedures and questioning if it is adequate.

Every single teacher is going through safety procedures in their minds and in groups and asking themselves and others what they would do in this situation.

The truth is - when a person brings in 2 weapons and is wearing a bullet-proof vest, we can have all the security we want, the person will get through it.  There are some things we simply cannot stop.

I truly believe that our schools do a fabulous job of keeping our students safe.  Working in a school, I can tell you that every adult in the building was sick to their stomach today after hearing the news.  Every lunch group conversation was about the shooting and how we could stop it, what we could do, how we would handle, etc, etc.  Every person there was worried about the KIDS and how to keep them safe.  

In truth, in this kind of a situation, your school can have the best security possible, and it wouldn't be adequate.  It's not that our schools are not safe, it's not that our schools don't care, it's not that the schools can't protect our students.  Our schools do a fabulous job of keeping our kids safe and taking precautions and having procedures for dangerous situations.

The problem is...when a person has a semi-automatic weapon and is determined to cause harm...they will.

I was talking to a colleague today.  We both agree that people should be able to have guns...a lot of people hunt. People should have the right to hunt and have the weapons they need for that.

But they certainly do not need weapons that fire round after round of ammunition.

We were talking about the fact that on the gun control issue there are extremes....no guns or any gun.  There is no in between.

I do agree with the statements that say "Guns don't kill people, people kill people."  Obviously, the guns aren't killing the people by themselves.  There have to be people firing the guns.  

I also agree that the people who want to get their hands on an assault weapon, will get them, even if they are not legal.

But it seems like the availability of these weapons is what we need to look at when we talk about gun control.

My heart is breaking for the residents of Newtown.  What those K-4 children and school personnel will live with for the rest of their lives is unbelievable.  Even police who see death as part of their job have trouble living with the sights they see.  But they are trained and at least somewhat prepared for it.  These children and school employees are NOT prepared for that.  Their memories, their visions, their dreams will FOREVER be inundated with today's happenings.

We will NEVER stop every disturbed person from causing harm.  However, the availability of weapons NEEDS to be addressed.

I honestly believe there has to be a way to allow guns for hunting and NOT all these other weapons.  

I have read on facebook some people saying they think that every teacher or school person should be armed for cases like this.

ABSOLUTELY NOT.  I do NOT want a weapon in my classroom that I am responsible for.  Having weapons available will NOT solve the problem, it could cause WAY more problems.

Like I said a moment ago, I believe that there needs to be more discussion on gun and ammunition control.  There is NO reason that these kinds of weapons and ammunition should be available outside of the military and law enforcement.  The average person does not need these kinds of weapons.

I know there will be people who argue with me about this, who say that we have a right.  But if you truly look at the 2nd amendment and the wording of it, it was intended for the right to have arms for the militia.  NOT for every Tom, Dick and Harry.

Whether or not you agree with me on the issue of gun/ammunition control, today was a horrible day in our country.

My heart breaks for all the families of the victims.  My heart breaks for the families of all the witnesses.  Basically my heart breaks.

The lesson - we only have this moment, we are not promised any more.  Take advantage of every moment of your life.  Live life to it's fullest and TELL PEOPLE THAT YOU LOVE THEM!!!  Hug your children, hug your spouses, hug your parents.  The people who are important to you should know that they are important to you.  Don't set yourself up to feel badly if you haven't told them how you feel.  

I am deeply saddened, my heart is breaking and my prayers are with all of those affected by today's tragedy.

Frustrated and Hungry

Bubble this, bubble that, drink your water, drink more water, exercise, drink milk, drink more water.

Last weekend was Thanksgiving and I TOTALLY blew everything about the above list.

Now, I DID bubble what I ate, I did write down everything that I ate.  But let's just say that there were a few extra bubbles on those pages.  And there was food that did not really have bubbles to fill out!

So I get up on Monday morning and weigh myself and I lost 4 pounds.  WHAT?

Yes, I had lost 4 pounds over the Thanksgiving holiday weekend.

Most of the 5 days off I spent sleeping in as late as I wanted, which usually meant that I slept right through breakfast and my morning "snack" of milk.  I would eat lunch, I would eat supper and yes, I would eat snacks at the movie.

We went to the movie 4 times over the weekend.  I ate snacks at each one.  And yet, I still lost 4 pounds?!

Now, 3 days later, I've been up at normal times again, eating my healthy breakfast and having my mid-morning snack of milk.  I've been making sure to drink my water, etc.  Kind of worked on getting back on the wagon after falling off.

So I'm going to lose more weight, right?  NO - I've put those 4 pounds back on.

OK, so that is the most frustrating thing EVER.

Break all the rules, eat like crap.  Enjoy pie with home made whipping cream, eat pretzel bites at the movie (dipped in nacho cheese), snack on cookies Mike is baking......and I lose 4 pounds.

I can't believe that the skipping of breakfast and those few calories I actually eat then would mean losing pounds.  Especially considering that I was eating WAY more calories in all the snacking I was doing.

And now that I'm back on the restricted calorie diet, and actually sticking to it, I put pounds back on.

THIS is why I hate "dieting" and focusing on eating right.  When I do what I am supposed to do, follow the rules, I either maintain weight or gain weight.  But when I "cheat" and eat what tastes good, I lose weight.

How in the heck am I supposed to make sense of that?  How is that supposed to inspire me to stick to this restricted diet and deprive myself of the nummy foods I love....like chocolate!!

So I am looking forward to seeing the dietitian in a couple of weeks and asking about this.  Feeling very frustrated and hungry.

Inspiration hits

A friend mentioned today that they had not seen a blog post lately.  I replied, "Yeah, I know."  Her reponse, "Nothing inspiring you?"

That's exactly it...the same things seem to inspire me daily, but I feel like I will bore you with my constant repetition.

I know in my heart that my views of accepting everyone for whomever they are is a message worth saying and worth repeating.  But those of you reading have commented to me enough that I know that I am "preaching to the choir".

How can I get that message across to those that need to hear it?  How do I get people to understand the hurt and devastation the cause by judging others by standards that are just not fair?

I was watching "Lincoln": this weekend and I thought about all that our country went through just to get slavery abolished.  I honestly thought the Emancipation Proclamation was what did it.  I didn't realize that it was only a small part and that getting the amendment passed was a separate thing.

But watching the movie...wow, it brought up so many thoughts in my head.  How scared our nation was of the idea of black people having equal rights.  The fear of ...gasp... inter-racial marriage.  Or even letting a black person vote.  Let alone a black woman!  Yikes - the world might end.

But we have gotten past that.  No, I'm not naive enough to say that we don't have racism or sexism.  But as a whole, our nation no longer fears black people.  We are smart enough to realize that the color of one's skin is simply the color of their skin.  It's no different than brown eyes, blue eyes, etc.  It's not something that is to be used to discriminate.

So why do we continue to discriminate against people for other reasons?  Sexual orientation is my big frustration.  Seriously - people think that somehow, allowing two people to marry who are in love and just happen to be of the same gender, somehow this will hurt the institution of marriage?  This will make a mockery of marriage?

I mean come on.   How many times was Elizabeth Taylor married?  What about the Kardasean (or however you spell that) marriage.  What, it lasted like 72 hours.  THAT is allowed and accepted and that doesn't make a mockery of marriage?

I think about people who live in my town and I don't know.  They may live a couple of blocks from me.  If they are married - HOW does their marriage, their relationship affect mine?  It does NOT!

So how does allowing EVERYONE to marry the partner of their choice affect others?  I have tried and tried and tried to figure this out.  I have tried to figure out their argument and why they are so positive that gay marriage will end the sanctity of marriage.  I just cannot see their argument.  I cannot wrap my brain around it.

I am a very open and accepting person.  I find it funny sometimes because throughout my life some of my closest friends have been, and still are, completely opposite in opinions to me.  It is because of these people that I try so hard to understand their point of view.  They are important people to me, I love them dearly, but I cannot understand this point of view even though I love them.  But...It doesn't change my opinion of them.  I still love them.  Don't understand them - but Love them.  WE simply do NOT talk politics, religion, etc.  Or we wouldn't remain friends.

I tell my children regularly that you don't have to like someone's opinions, but you have to respect them.

Here is what I don't get - why can't people take that attitude about marriage?  You don't have to like someone's spouse choice, but it is their choice and you should respect them.  Just like you can dislike someone's opinion and still respect them.

There is a thing flying around on fb and such that says...

Don't like cigarettes?  Then don't smoke.
Don't like guns?  Then don't own one.
Don't like gay marriage?  Then don't marry a gay.

I can't remember all of the things on there, but you get the point.

I'm allergic to pets and to perfumes and odors - does that mean that I should be able to tell everyone they can't have a pet or wear perfume or use smelly laundry detergent?  NO.  And gosh, I am legitimately allergic to these things and get sick from being around them.  Yet I do not require everyone in my world to follow my regulations.

So if you don't like same-sex marriage, bully for you.  But it shouldn't mean that you can tell same-sex couples they can't get married.  That is YOUR belief, your opinion.  That's the wonderful part of a free country - we are all free to live our lives the way we wish.

I am proud of our country and the recent elections.  Three states took measures to stop this discrimination.  That is huge.  I went to bed November 6th sick at heart worrying about those measures.  I woke up happily relieved.  I was so happy that those states took a stand for equality for ALL not just equality for those that some people deem worthy.

I truly believe that when the for-fathers wrote that all should be equal, they meant all.  Rich, poor, black, white, straight, gay....all of that doesn't matter.  We were all made by the same God - He loves us all.

Thank You!

I have been absent for the past week, lots going on in life and school.  Getting ready for programs in 2 weeks means busy, busy, busy!

Facebook has this thing - 30 days of Thankfulness.  People are posting each day about the things they are thankful for.

I have been doing this all month.  Each day I try to think about the things that I am truly thankful for.

Last Friday I was already having a crappy morning, following a crappy Thursday.  I was in my classroom, not my happy place in the entry way.  I was too crabby to be in the entry way, I was hiding in my classroom.

In come 3 students.  These 3 kids are bouncy, energetic and well, goofy!  I love them.  They came into my room to put their horns away for band later in the afternoon.  Then they spent the next 10 minutes joking around with me, being silly and totally cheering up my day.

It's things like that that remind me how important our attitudes are and how much we can affect other people.

These kids didn't set out to cheer me up - they just came in and were being their normal, goofy selves!  Without trying, without knowing how much good they were doing, they made my day so much better.

What we say and do affect the people around us.  Both negatively and positively.

ONE negative word or comment can cause someone pain.  Something unintentionally said or done can cause another person pain or sadness.

It's so important to be observant of how our actions and words affect the people around us.  Even when people don't want us to know, often we can tell by their actions, their tone, their manner.

I am trying very hard, not always successfully, to be more observant of those around me.  Why?  Because I know that I am an expert of hiding my true feeling when someone is hurtful to me.  I quickly put on a front so that it appears that it doesn't hurt or bother me.  But honestly, it hurts to the core.  I take things personally and when someone says/does something hurtful, it cuts me deeply.  But instead of telling them, I hide it.

Why do I hide it?  I don't want to appear weak?  I think more over I am worried that if they see they hurt me they will know how to "get to me" and do it in the future.

That is a remnant of my growing up years and being bullied for my weight and my intelligence.  I learned then that when I let on that it hurt me, they did it more.  I learned then to put up a front and not show my true emotions - not let them know that they were hurting me.

We learn young how to protect ourselves, protect our hearts.  We learn how to raise our defenses so as not to let others past them.

The problem with that....just because we pretend that it doesn't bother us or hurt us doesn't mean that it truly doesn't.  Fact is, it affects us greatly and more than that - the more that we try to hide it, the more we are hurting ourselves.

I know that for me, personally, when I hide my feeling and pretend that I'm not hurting...I get even more hurt inside because somehow I think they should realize just how hurtful they are being.  Hmmm - so I won't tell them they are hurting me, I pretend they are not, but expect them to know?  Yikes - that's backwards!

Backwards, that's me!  But I truly think that my youth plays a big part in that.  It was easier to hurt inside twice over than to let the others know they were hurting me because when I did, they hurt me more - they took joy in hurting me.

I hope that as adults, people don't take joy in hurting other adults, but that old habit is way too hard to break.  It's too risky for me to admit they are hurting me, I've been burned way too many times.

So, back to my original topic - we have so much to be thankful for and I have been trying very hard to be focusing on those things.  And as I do that I have been trying to be more observant of the people around me and how things are affecting them.

Can I be a positive in their lives.  Can I be there for them when I see that they are hurting?  Can I help pick them up?  I know that for me when someone notices that I am hurting, it means the world to me.  They may not be able to fix it, they may not be able to make the situation better...but the fact that they are paying attention and noticing that I hurt makes all the difference.

So I guess that I have decided that if someone noticing for me makes that much of a difference...maybe I can make a difference for others by paying attention and noticing when others are hurting.

So over all, I am thankful for my life experiences (yes, even the bad ones) because they have made me who I am.  I think that my experiences have allowed me to be a better mom, wife, teacher, friend than I would be if I hadn't had all of those experiences.

So, thank you God, for my life.  For giving me the most amazing husband I could ever have.  He "gets" me more than I could ever imagine!  He doesn't always understand why I react the way I do, but he is always supportive.

Thank you for my amazing children.  I am honestly blessed, they have taught me more than I could ever hope to teach them.

Basically, thank you!

I Passed!

So last night after reading my blog, my amazing husband came into the family room and said, "Would you like me to go with you to the appointment?"

I, of course, said that I didn't need him to come, he's busy, etc.  He assured me that he could make it work and I said, "Yes, I would love you to come."

So he came along with me assuring me that if the dietitian went "jillian" on me he would yell right back at her.

Now that is what I call love.  I am one lucky lady!

So we get there and the first thing they do.......the scale.

Every month when I go in that is the first thing we do....same scale every time.

The result of my first month of "bubbling" my food.......11 pounds gone.

I am proud of that 11 pounds.  They came off fast and then have stayed steady, but I am happy with the overall result of 11 pounds.

After "the scale" I had to sit back in the waiting room for a little bit awaiting the dreaded dietitian.

When I get called back, it's two lovely young women.  One is a dietitian intern and the other a "real" intern.  But neither of them is THE dietitian I was expecting to see.

We got the chance to ask lots of questions, talk about what has gone well, what is not going as well.  The whole time they are going through my food diary and answering questions on their computer about me.

Have I stopped drinking pop.  Am I exercising?  Am I taking 30 minutes to eat my meals?  Am I NOT drinking during meals and 30 minutes before or after?  Am I getting my 6-8 glasses of water every day?  Etc, etc.

What happened when they saw the honesty of my food diary and the poor choices I have made over the past few days....

NOTHING - they told me not to get down about it.  They were happy to see that I was writing it down even though I knew it was wrong to be eating it.  They encouraged me to keep at it and I would succeed.

Whew.  Bullet dodged - not feeling nearly as bad about it tonight.

We did ask for help for ideas of fast meals or meals on the go.  With our lifestyle with all of the events Mike needs to attend, I need to attend or the kids are in...we need to have food that can be prepared and taken on the go.  They were going to get with the "head dietitian" because she has files of ideas and such.  Then they will email me some ideas.

So, all that worry for nothing.  It went well, they thought I was doing a good job and that I should keep at it and the areas where I was falling down some, I should focus on those and work to improve those areas.

In other words, I passed!

Comfort foods.....oops - shouldn't do that

Well...tomorrow I meet with my dietitian for the first time to "go over" my daily food diary.

Nervous - yes.  What if I have been doing it wrong?  What if I totally screwed up things?

What if she yells at me for my times I ate the wrong things?

What if she yells at me for not being on the exercise wagon like I should be?  Yes, I've been doing some exercising, but not the daily doing it like I am supposed to be doing.  UGH.

I've had a "down" few days and I have found myself resorting to my finding comfort from food.  Yikes - I need to stop myself from doing that.

Why is it that when I am feeling down and depressed I turn to food?  Seriously, I was thinking about that today.  I have spent SO much of my life being teased, bullied, feeling horrible about my weight.  I know that my eating habits are poor.

I know that comfort from food is really very short lived - yes, it's delicious, yes, it makes me feel good at the time.  But later....argh, the pounds come on and I feel crappy about myself for eating.

I'm actually thinking it would be better for me if I screwed up and had a pop!  At least there aren't any calories.

It's frustrating to me that for nearly 4 weeks I have done so well and then have a bad day or two and I "fall off the wagon".   Then, I find it's a cycle - I fall off the wagon - I feel bad about myself for doing so, I get down, so I eat more.   ARGH

It made me think about the support group last week where one of the women said how difficult it is to accept the different you.  She said that she was seeing a therapist who specialized in helping people accept the new them and figure out WHY we turn to food and deal with those issues.  I may need to check into this therapist.  I know what I do, but I need to figure out why and how to stop turning to food!  Especially since it's so cyclical and just makes me feel worse.

So, lots of emotions going into this first dietitian meeting tomorrow.  I think that in the back of my mind I think she's going to yell at me like Jillian does on the Biggest Loser.  I do NOT need someone yelling at me.  I do NOT respond well to that!

I have always put up a good front - very outgoing, loud, strong...but I take things VERY personally and straight to heart.  I take things TOO personally much of the time, so if she yells at me, I won't do well.  I'll put up a good front, I won't let her know she's hurting me, but it will.

I'm hoping that this woman will not attack me for my faults, but help me work through them and become a better me.  That is what I need.  Someone to help me, build me up, assure me I can do this and I won't fail.  Someone who won't ride me for my faults, but help me get through/over them and move forward.

Here's to hoping for a good first meeting.

Support Group #1

Have I mentioned that I am the luckiest woman and wife?

Tonight was my first Bariatric Surgery support group.  This is for people who have had bariatric surgery or who are preparing for it.

I went into this meeting not knowing what to expect.  And my amazing husband agreed to go along with me.

At the meeting tonight were 2 people who had the surgery in September, one who is 3 years out, one who is 6 months out, one who is 1 year out and one like me who is just starting the journey.

Got some great ideas for ways to eat things that are tasty, but good for you.  Found out about a Chocolate Skim Milk that is sweetened with Splenda.  So I am looking forward to finding that and trying it.  They told me that it is so chocolatey many people do half white milk, half this chocolate milk!

Not sure about the powdered peanut butter they told me about - but I will try it and see.

Also got some recipes to try:  White Chocolate Raspberry Mouse, Asian Meatballs and a Pumpkin Bake.  So may try them!

The support group was pretty interesting.  We started the evening by introducing ourselves, telling where in the process we are and then (for those who have had surgery) the best part of having the surgery and the worst part.

Honestly, the 5 people there who have had the surgery had very little negative to say about it.  There were the small recovery issues that you would have after any surgery, but nothing huge.

I especially related to the woman who was 6 months out from surgery.  She talked about how frustrating it is that binge eating or food addiction is not recognized by the world as an eating disorder just like anorexia and bulimia.  We have programs for those diseases, but we don't for food addiction.

She talked about how she is having trouble wrapping her brain around her new body and how she still thinks about those "comfort foods" she would eat.  She talked about how important it is to do the therapy they recommend.  I thought that was very enlightened.

Ok - at this point, I must stop typing and watch the coverage of the election because I am a happy woman voter this evening!

My dream ....

I think by now, if you have been reading my blog at all, you know that I am a big believer that ALL people should be accepted, loved and treated as equal and important.

Tomorrow my friends and relatives in Minnesota are voting on an amendment that would limit the rights of some people if it passes.

I know that not all people believe in same sex marriage, and that is their right.  We all have the right to believe how we believe.

I have been extremely grateful that no one has blasted me for my beliefs and thoughts.  I konw that my views are not always popular but they are mine.  I work hard to tell my kids that you do not have to agree with the opinions of others, but you have to respect their right to have their own opinion.

In that light, I will NOT blast people for having the beliefs that they do, even if I disagree with them.

I will remind people, however, that voting NO will not change anything.  Voting NO will keep things exactly as they currently are in Minnesota.  There are still like 155 laws in Minnesota that limit the rights of same sex couples.  Voting NO will not change any of that.  Voting NO will not allow same sex couples to marry, because they are not recognized now.

Voting yes will make it a law saying that marriage is ONLY between a man and a woman.

Will that mean that same sex couples will cease to exist?  NO
Will that mean that same sex couple will stop raising families?  NO
Will that mean that your heterosexual marriage will mean more?  NO

So, if voting yes doesn't stop all of this, what is the point of voting yes?  The only point that I truly see is to tell some people that their love is not as important or worthy of other's love.

Seriously - can we legislate love and who has a right to be a couple?  I don't think so.

It wasn't so long ago that there were rallies in the streets trying to ban inter-racial marriages.

Have inter-racial marriages destroyed our country?  NO
Have inter-racial marriages destroyed the sanctity of marriage?  NO
Have inter-racial marriages made my heterosexual marriage less?  NO

Infact, we don't call it "inter-racial marriage" anymore.  We call it...... MARRIAGE.

Marriage is the union of two people who are in love and want to share every aspect of their lives together.

One of the things I've recently seen said it very well to me.

A gay person doesn't go to the gay grocery store, they don't go to the gay post office or go to the gay gas station.

A person is a person is a person.  And one of the hardest things we do in life is find that person who we love and they love us in return.  To find that person who completes us and makes us whole.  To find that person who loves us for our flaws as well as our good points.  To find that person who finishes our thoughts without even trying.

Why should we try to tell someone that they shouldn't love who they love?  God made me who I am.  I've never heard someone say to me that I chose to be attracted to men.  It's just who I am.  No one questioned that.  Yet my friend Joel loves a man, and we question him and say he chose that life?  ARe you kidding me?  Seriously - in the society we live in where the LGBT community is ridiculed, excluded, discriminated against....WHY would anyone chose to be gay?

NO, it's not a choice.  God made them just the way they are.  If we believe that God made me the way I am, why do we not believe that God made them the way they are?  Everything I have always heard and read is that God doesn't make mistakes, God made us all.  So if God made us all and God doesn't make mistakes....well, you see where I am going.

Tomorrow, my friends and family in Minnesota, I hope you will vote NO on the marriage amendment.  Even if you disagree with all of my beliefs, which is your right, a NO vote will not make my world vision come true.  A NO vote simply does NOT limit the rights of one group of people.  A NO vote ensures that this one group of people will NOT have their rights legally made different than my rights.

In 1963, Martin Luther King Jr. gave a 17 minute speech that is still remembered today.  He was fighting for racial equality and an end to discrimination.  Are we where King dreamed?  Not yet - but we are a far sight closer than we were in 1963.

MY dream is that tomorrow, Minnesotans will vote NO so that the rights of a group of people are not limited even more than they already are.  MY dream is that Minnesotans will vote NO.  It is my dream that one day, all people - regardless of race, gender, sexual orientation, language, religion - will be considered equal.  God made us all and ALL deserve to be treated the same.

This blog tonight is dedicated to all of my friends who have had to fight to be accepted for who they are.  Our world is not fair and I hope that one day you will all be appreciated and loved for who you are.  I love you all for exactly what God made you - amazing!

Stumble, mistake...move forward with a clean slate

So, I've fallen down a bit on my exercising and my eating.  This past week has been incredibly busy...not that I am using that as an excuse.

Last week we had parent/teacher conferences, Halloween, parent/teacher conferences.  By the time each day ended, I was exhausted which resulted in no exercise.

Meals provided at parent/teacher conferences resulted in eating GREAT food, but not following my bubble regimen very well.

On the up side, As of Friday I was down a total of 10 pounds now after 3 weeks.  So, I must be doing a little of something right?!?!

What this last week has made me think about is the fact that we all have set backs, we all make mistakes, but we can't let that be what defines us.

This weekend I have been thinking about students and how we relate to them and the expectations we have of them.

Kids make mistakes, kids do dumb things.  Do we let that be how we define them or how we think of them?

Specifically I have been thinking about my daughter.  She did something really stupid last week.  Nothing dangerous, nothing malicious, but stupid.  The worst part is she lied about it afterwards when she got "caught"!

I swear, it doesn't matter how many times you tell a kid that if they lie, they WILL get caught and they WILL be in more trouble than if they had told the truth in the first place.

So, she got caught being stupid and then worse yet, she got caught lying about it.

After a LONG discussion about what happened, what should have happened, what she did, what she should have done, how she lied, what she should have said...we had many, many tears.

The ultimate ending of the discussion was the fact that she is a kid.  She will make mistakes, she is human, she is normal!  We explained that even though she knows what she did is stupid, she will do stupid things again - why?  Because she is a kid and kids make mistakes.  She can easily see, in retrospect, what she did was wrong and what she should have done.  But kids don't think ahead like that, they run with what they want at that moment....normal.

Luckily, we have a great relationship with our daughter and we talked about this very openly.  The biggest thing we ended with was that NO MATTER WHAT, we love her.  We love her when she makes dumb choices, we love her when she lies, we love her when she makes mistakes....none of that will make us stop loving her.

She's a normal kid.  I teach a bunch of normal kids...so I teach a bunch of kids who make mistakes, just like my daughter!

Do we as educators remember that point?  That kids are normal and they make mistakes?  Do we remember that when we were their age WE made mistakes?  Do we allow kids to make mistakes, do wrong things, without judging them?

YES, there are some things that absolutely must be reprimanded.  There are some things that we cannot dismiss as kids make mistakes.  When it comes to physically or emotionally harming someone, we MUST take a stand.  Bullying absolutely cannot be tolerated.

But what about the stupid mistakes that don't hurt someone?  Yes, there need to be consequences. Maggie's stupid mistake cost her our trust and letting her do something she really wanted to do.  She needed to realize that we take honesty seriously.

So yes, kids need to have consequences.  But then we need to allow them to have a clean slate.  We need to let those kids move forward and know that their NORMAL mistake will not hang over their head.  Kids need to know that every day we have them in class is a new day, no grudges held, no preconceived ideas about what they will do, a totally clean slate.

I messed up last week - but if that is held against me, if I am judged for a mistake that I made, I am more likely to screw up again.  You feel like you are expected to make a mistake and we tend to do that then, make the mistake that we think people are expecting us to make.

So can we give our students, our children, the benefit of the doubt?  Can we allow them to make the mistakes that we know they will make and then forgive them?  Give them a clean slate.

We all make mistakes, we all mess up and we ALL need the chance to redeem ourselves without others expecting us to fail.

I will not fail in my plans because I have a wonderful support system who believes in me and allows me to stumble, allows me to make mistakes, but doesn't judge me.  Instead, they pick me up, they help me move forward and tell me they believe in me.

Imagine if our students had that in all of the adults around them - people who believe in them, allow them to stumble, allow them to make mistakes and don't judge them.  Then, pick them up and help them move forward with them knowing that we believe in them.

That would make a huge difference in the lives of our students.

Two weeks in the books

So, week two is in the books for me.

I "cheated" this weekend - twice.  Come on - I went to the movie twice...how could I NOT have a treat?

The first time, well, I had the pretzel bites.  But I was thinking about it...once i have the surgery, I could have them, they are baked.  I just would only have a few and I would be full.  So, I had them.

The second time, I had the kid's pack with popcorn, fruit snacks and an icee.  Small amounts of each.

Saturday a friend said to me that her prayer is that this new diet will work so well that I won't need the surgery in the spring.  She said she worries about me, not about the surgery itself, but that for the rest of my life my eating will have to be changed.

I thanked her for her concern and caring about me.  But honestly, I can't wait for the surgery.  Yes, my eating habits will be changed forever - and that is a good thing.  She brought up the no sweets, no cake at birthdays.  Well, it's not like I can never have anything sweet, I will just have to watch what I choose and how much of it I eat.

The fact of the matter is this, Mike and I both think this will be somewhat easier after the surgery than now.  Why?  Because right now I am still starving all the time.  I eat my allotted proteins and carbs, etc and an hour later, my tummy is yelling at me.  I am hungry all of the time.

After the surgery, my stomach will be so  that I will feel full...I will NOT be hungry.  The nurse at my first appointment told us that for the first 3 months or so I will actually not have an appetite, I will need to make myself eat my allotted food so my body gets what it needs.  My friend who had the surgery 19 months ago told me that she never feels hungry now!!  That will be such an amazing and welcomed feeling (or lack of feeling)!  It always makes me angry when I have eaten recently and then I am hungry again.

On the weight loss thing - I spent the week losing 1-2 pounds, gaining them back, losing them, gaining them.  So I ended where I started...down 6 pounds.  I won't be sad since 6 pounds over 2 weeks is still a good number, nothing to be sad about.

The exercising, well it happens, but it still isn't my favorite thing in the world.  This weekend I pretty much used anything I could as an excuse and well, didn't exercise then.  So today felt like I was starting all over again.  UGH - I guess I need to not skip the weekends so that Monday doesn't feel like hell all over again.  Monday is bad enough - don't need to end it with nastiness.  May as well just do it all weekend so that Monday's exercise is just another one, nothing else.

Yesterday I had a fabulous, fabulous surprise.  My childhood best friend called me, out of the blue.  I saw her name on the caller ID and was shocked.  I hadn't talked to her in like 2 years (other than facebook talking).  What did she call for?  To tell me she was proud of me.  I nearly started crying.  What an amazing phone call.  To her, a huge thank you.  Random Acts of kindness do wonderful things for people - you did a wonderful thing for me.  Reminded me how important doing things like that, out of the blue, are to people.  How much good they can do!  I am going to be "stepping up" my random kindness thanks to you.  That was such an amazing feeling to have someone take the time to call me and boost me up like that.  THANK YOU!

Then today, another out of the blue - a former student and friend posted on my wall telling me that he enjoyed my blog and to keep it up.  What a great thing to read, made my day.  It is those little things that make a difference in our lives.

So I end my Monday meanderings with that thought.  Think about when someone has done something for you or said something to you that made a difference in your life.  Think about those relatively little things and how big of an impact they had on you.

Can you do more of that for other people in your life?  Can you send someone a note?  Call someone who is struggling with something, doing something new, facing something.  Take the little bit of time from your life to make a huge difference in the life of someone else.

A little bit of effort on your behalf can make a HUGE difference to someone.  Take the time, put yourself out there and make a difference in the life of someone who needs you to notice, needs you to say you care!  YOU can make a difference in the world of someone else...so go for it!

Starfish....make a difference

Today in church Pastor Pam started with a story I have heard many times before:

Once upon a time, there was a wise man who used to go to the ocean to do his writing. He had a habit of walking on the beach before he began his work. One day he was walking along the shore. As he looked down the beach, he saw a human figure moving like a dancer. He smiled to himself to think of someone who would dance to the day. So he began to walk faster to catch up. As he got closer, he saw that it was a young man and the young man wasn't dancing, but instead he was reaching down to the shore, picking up something and very gently throwing it into the ocean.

As he got closer, he called out, "Good morning! What are you doing?" The young man paused, looked up and replied "Throwing starfish into the ocean."

"I guess I should have asked, Why are you throwing starfish into the ocean?"

"The sun is up and the tide is going out. And if I don't throw them in they'll die."

"But young man, don't you realize that there are miles and miles of beach and starfish all along it. You can't possibly make a difference!"

The young man listened politely. Then bent down, picked up another starfish and threw it into the sea, past the breaking waves. "It made a difference for that one!"

~adapted from "The Star Thrower" by Loren Eiseley

Pam reminded me just how much little things we do every day CAN and DO make a difference.

I have a poster in my classroom that says, "Stand Up for What is Right, Even if you are Standing Alone."  

It is so important for people to realize that going along with the crowd, doing what everyone else is doing is NOT always the right thing to do.

As a teacher, I see students every day doing things that they KNOW are wrong, but they want to fit in, they want to be part of the crowd and belong.

As humans we have a need, a desire, to be part of a group.  We want to be part of a group.  We want peers, people we can talk to, socialize with, be around.  Sometimes that desire for belonging leads us down a wrong path.  Sometimes we make bad choices based on the decision of a group.

I can give you an example of a time I did this, and I was a so-called smart adult at the time.  Some friends and I were going out for dinner to celebrate Christmas.  When I picked up the first friend, she got in the car and had a bottle of red wine and a bottle of white wine and 4 glasses.  She asked what kind of wine I wanted.

I looked at this friend and was totally shocked.  I told her, "None.  You can't drink and drive.  And you can't drink in my car."  The friend told me I was silly, I was acting like a little kid and that it was only illegal to drink as a passenger in Minnesota, I needed to get used to being in Iowa now."

OMG - Seriously I felt like I was 16 years old again and being bullied by the "popular" crowd.  I spent years of my life trying to be liked, trying to fit in.  And here I was in the same situation and I was 40 years old!

I didn't want to disrupt the fun evening by kicking her out of my car, so I allowed her and the others to drink wine in my car while I drove.  I hated every single moment of this time and was scared to death I would speed or do something silly to get me pulled over and then I would be in big, big trouble.  I had headlines going through my mind..."Principal's wife arrested for open container."  I imagined losing my job, my license...I was freaked out.

Needless to say, the entire evening was unenjoyable for me.  First the nerve wracking drive.  Then the entire dinner I was beating myself up inside for giving in and letting the bully win.  Why can't I be strong, why can't I stand up for myself like I preach to my students?  OMG - I had a horrible evening and it was all my own doing of not wanting to piss off a friend.  Needless to say, that tainted the friendship I had with that person.

What if I had stood up for myself?  What if I had said NO, either put the wine away or get out of my car and drive yourself?  I worried that this friend would no longer like me or be my friend.  But honestly, what kind of a friend was she being anyway?  Was this a friendship I should have been nurturing and trying to preserve?

If at the age of 40 people can have these difficulties and supposedly we are "world wise" and know better.  HOW do we expect our students or our children to be able to stand up against a bully?

WE need to be the ones who make a difference for our students and our children.  WE need to stand up for these kids when they are in a tough situation.  Kids need to see that an adult DOES care.  That an adult is willing to stand up for them against these people who can be so hurtful.

Unfortunately, bullies are as plentiful a the starfish on the beach in the story.  We often think that one person cannot make a difference, one person cannot stop the bullying.  NO, we can't stop it all, we can't fix the world.  But, imagine if one victim sees you standing up to a bully for them...imagine the difference you will make for that victim.

Isn't making a difference for that ONE person worth putting your neck out there and standing up against the bully?

Bullies come in many, many forms.  Bullying can be subtle, subtle so that others won't notice it if not watching carefully.  Bullying can come in the form of exclusion of someone, exclusion of a group of people.  Bullying is wide spread.

Others can disagree with me, that is fine...but honestly, I see the proposed amendment to the Minnesota Constitution as bullying.  It is designed to limit the rights of a small group of people.  Isn't that what a bully does on the playground?  A playground bully tries to limit the rights of that child or children to do what they want, when they want to do it?!

EVERY person should have the right to do what they want to do, love whom they love, when they want to!  I am so proud of my Minnesota friends and family who are taking a stand against this bullying proposed amendment.  Some might wonder why should they try, it's only one state.  But if we can make a difference in that one state...there is hope that others will make a difference in their state.

We need to make a stand and make a difference - help those that can't do it alone.  Show that you are willing to put yourself out there and make a difference for someone.  We can't save the world, we can't make a difference for everyone, but we can and do make a difference.

Make a difference, one person or one cause at a time.  But remember, you DO make a difference.

An Inspiration

Our family with to the movie tonight...we saw "Here Comes the Boom"

What a fun movie...predictable, as Maggie said, but fun.

The gist of the movie (and there is no spoiler here, all garnered from previews) is that there is a former teacher of the year, now lazy, who decides he is going to try to raise money for the school by cage fighting.  They were told the school had to make cuts and the cut they were making was the music department.  They were told they needed $48,000 to save the music department.

Maggie is right, the movie is predictable.  But it is a fun movie, with things that you don't expect.

One funny, funny thing was Maggie, after the movie, saying she recognized the guy who played the music teacher.  Well, that would be Henry Winkler.  Or to those of us children of the 70s, The Fonz!  When we said he was the Fonz, she looked at us like we had two heads.  Nope, that's not where she recognized him from!  She didn't have a clue what the Fonz was!

Anyway, at one of the key points in the movie, Winkler's character says something that really hit home to me.  "As teachers, our job is to inspire."  (he said it differently than that, and I don't recall the exact words, but that was the general idea)

The dictionary says:

Inspire

n·spire/inˈspī(ə)r/

Verb:

Fill (someone) with the urge or ability to do or feel something, esp. to do something creative: "his enthusiasm inspired them". Create (a feeling, esp. a positive one) in a person: "inspire confidence".

To fill someone with the urge to do or feel something.....To create a feeling (positive) in a person......hmmmm

If a teacher's job is to inspire, and that is the definition of inspire...aren't we all teachers.  We may not all have gone to school for education, but we all have the ability to inspire others.  We all have the ability to fill others with an urge to feel something, do something, or create a positive feeling in someone.  We all have the ability to inspire others.

Daily I am inspired by my students.  Wait...I am the teacher but they are inspiring me?!  Yeppers - daily my students inspire or teach me about something.  My favorite times of the day are before and after school when I sit in my "happy place" in the entry way.  

The enthusiasm of children is contagious.  If you surround yourself with that enthusiastic energy, you cannot help to have some enthusiasm yourself.  Even on my worst days, the days I would rather be at home in bed, the kids inspire me to get rid of my funk and step up to the plate and have fun teaching.

For the first time ever, I am teaching preschool music.  Let me tell you, you better have a TON of energy when those little people show up!  Daily, they make me laugh at myself, at the world.  They inspire me to look at the world through their rose-colored glasses and see joy in all things.  I don't know a time when I've had more fun touching my head, shoulders, knees and toes!  And what is more fun?  Starting slowly and getting faster and faster and watching the kids laugh and laugh and laugh.

My biggest inspiration is my friend who had gastric bypass surgery 19 months ago.  She knows exactly what I have suffered in my life due to my size and weight.  She didn't say to me, "Molly, you should do this."  In fact, she did not know I was planning to do this until I emailed her and told her.  She did not set out to inspire me...she was just being herself and talking honestly with me about one of her experiences with a doctor and how she was treated because of her weight.

Being honest with people, being yourself - that can often be the biggest inspiration of all.  When you are yourself, no fronts or masks, you are the most free and easy.  It is at those times that you can be the most inspiring.  

I find it so sad when people are not able to be themselves, are forced (or feel forced) to pretend to be something they are not.  That is such a lonely, tiring place to be.  My wish for people is that they are inspired by someone or something to be themselves, to allow themselves the freedom to be whomever they are and not worry about what others feel or think.

When I watch children at school feeling sad, sitting alone....it breaks my heart.  I try my hardest to let them know I am there and will listen and like them for exactly who they are.  But I am just one person.  When they are being beaten down by peers who thrive on making others feel badly about themselves, one person may help spread some sunshine...but it takes more than one person.

We all need to be that inspiration for others around us.  We all need to spread an energy that helps others be filled with a positive feeling for who they are.

In the movie tonight, Winkler's character was awesome at filling people with a positive feeling.  During a rehearsal, when NOT every note was played right or every rhythm, he was shouting out positive comments like "you're wonderful"  or "you are amazing" "this is great", etc.  

Winkler's character didn't spend time pointing out the mistakes or making the kids feel bad about them.  He spent his time saying positive things and the kids grew taller, tried harder and sounded better.

Being an inspiration is what we should all strive to be.  Being an inspiration is what I hope, in some small way, my blog may be for some.  I decided that I was going to put myself out there by sharing my story, my thoughts, my beliefs....I don't expect everyone to understand or agree with all of my blogs.  But I hope that people accept them as mine and don't think less of me for them.  But...I also won't allow someone disagreeing or thinking less of me to stop me.  

Accepting me for me has been one of the most freeing and wonderful experiences ever.  It has allowed me to see that EVERYONE deserves to be accepted for who they are.  EVERYONE deserves to be valued for what they offer.  We don't have to agree with everyone, we don't even have to like everyone, but we need to accept them for who they are.  EVERYONE has the right to be accepted for exactly who they are - no ifs, ands or buts!  

To those of you who have accepted me for who I am, thank you for being an inspiration for me!

I hope that through my journey and the sharing of it (and my other random thoughts) I can be an inspiration to others.  I hope I can fill someone with the urge to do or feel something.....To create a feeling (positive) in a person.  Because I truly want to create a positive feeling in each of you.

I'm Wide Awake

"Think positive because thoughts are like the steering wheel that moves our lives in the right direction."   I got this off of someone's facebook the other day and I really thought it pertained to my life.  I keep thinking positive and my life keeps moving in the right direction!

So those of you who have already given up caffeine, no need for "I told you so's!"

I have now been off caffeine for 11 days and I made a startling discovery yesterday.... I am LESS tired now than I was when I was drinking caffeine.  Wow.

I was very surprised to discover this.  Everyone uses caffeine to wake up or stay awake.  I have always been tired - it's a constant in my life.  But now, 11 days with no caffeine, I am more awake during the day AND I am actually ready to sleep at night.  Woo hoo!  Getting rid of caffeine has turned my internal clock back to normal.  And I don't remember the last time it was normal!

Those of you who knew that this would happen - man I wish you had told me and I wish I would have listened!  This is awesome!

Today was day 4 of exercise.  Can't say I am enjoying it...but I'm not hating it.  We have been doing Just Dance 3.  Mike would prefer to go for a walk, but bless his heart, he does the Just Dance because "it's your ball game"!  So he is such a wonderful man that he does something he doesn't like simply because he's being there for me!  How awesome!

Tonight was kind of fun.  A friend started an exercise group at our church.  Tonight was our first meeting.  There were 7 of us there and we were having a good time.  And what did we do tonight? Just Dance 3!

The second scary discovery I made came today.  Just Dance 3 is already getting easier after just 4 days!  Not nearly as easy as my daughter and son find it, but a heck of a lot easier than it was Monday!

AND, the counting of my bubbles is starting to happen in my head without even having to look things up and try to figure it out.

Yesterday we got our new food scale in the mail.  Ordered it from a Pampered Chef party.  Yes, it was a little spendy, but it is awesome.  It has a tare so we can zero it out after putting a container on the scale.  Loving that we can finally weigh the food and have accurate amounts of food.  Also finding that we are getting pretty good at guesstimating food weights.  Before the scale came we were approximating the meats.  I weighed the bags of chicken we had already cut and put into portion bags.  They were right on for weight.  We were quite proud of that!

So life is really heading in a positive direction for me.  This weekend we may end up eating out - that will be a first since starting the new eating regimen.  It will be interesting to see what we come up with to eat.  I think we'll be looking at that menu a bit longer than normal!

Thinking positive, it can do so much for a person and their life.  So I urge you to think positive and keep steering your life in the right direction.

Discovered a "new" food

Wow.  We have found a winner in our house.

Tonight we had baked cod.  We bought frozen whole fillets at Costco.  Why?  Because we thought we needed to start eating a lean fish.  And cod is benign enough that the kids should like it as well.

So Mike thawed out the cod pieces and dredged them lightly in flour seasoned with salt and pepper.  Baked them up....DELICIOUS.  Normally when I eat fish I like a tartar sauce or a mayonaise with it.  I was allowed 1 Tablespoon of light mayo in my bubbles.  I used barely any of it.  I loved the fish plain!

The other big winner tonight was the potatoes we made.  In our meeting 2 weeks ago with the dietitian she talked about how people always wanted french fries.  But McDonald's fries, or other fast food fries, are so nasty because of the deep frying.  She told us that we could make our own by simply cutting up potatoes and baking them.

Mike tried it.  HUGE HIT.  And get this, a cup of baked french fries equals one starch or carb bubble.  A CUP.  We usually have 2 carbs for dinner - that's a lot of french fries!  Woo hoo.  We are in heaven.  In fact, after we finished supper and realized that we only had enough fries for each of us to have 1 "bubble", we went in and made some more.  They are in the oven right now!!!  Woo hoo, can't wait until they get done!  :-)

It is so nice to have a food that is tasty and filling...and we can have a lot of!  Hurrah!  Nummy!

Finding out I like yogurt has also been a wonderful find.

Today has been a great food day - oatmeal for breakfast, which filled me up nicely.  Salad for lunch, getting a bit bored with that, may need to try something new.  But it's fairly filling.  And then the nummy cod and french fries for supper, along with some raw cauliflower and broccoli.

So week 2 is off to a great start.  Very exciting.

Today at school was kind of cute.  The kids in one class were talking about what they were bringing for their birthday treats.  One girl told me, "I'm bringing mine next Monday and you love cupcakes so I'll be sure to bring you one."  Two classmates turned to her and said, "She can't have those any more, remember!  Bringing her one would be mean!"  I laughed and laughed.  I told them I appreciated them thinking of me but I am not eating that stuff any more, but it's okay if you forget and bring me something.  I will just tell you nicely that I don't eat that any more but thank you and happy birthday!

Have I mentioned how much I love my job?  Kids are such great people.  They really can be very considerate and caring.  Yes, they can be the opposite at times too, but mostly, they are really pretty cool.  I love my job!

Today was an awesome Monday (and for me to say that - that's huge!).  I hope your Monday was great as well.  I wish you a fabulous week.

One Week Down

So.... today marks day 7 of the new way of eating in our house.

We are both getting pretty good at figuring out our bubbles.  Or as Mike says, bubbles be damned, I'm eating better and that's what matters.

He, however, doesn't have the dietitian meeting and judgement looming over his head.  So I can't say bubbles be damned, I must use the bubbles.

I have spent a week with now caffeine.  Well, at least no coke zero.  I suppose the fat free, sugar free chocolate pudding powder might have a little caffeine in it, but....

We figured out pretty quickly that eating the same thing every day is easy and actually makes life better than trying to figure out every day how to have something different.  And, since we made lasagna early in the week and can only eat one piece a meal, we finished it tonight.  It ended up making 5 meals for us - wow, that's pretty good.

We also had pork chops one night.  Now that was a new experience for us.  We have always cooked our pork chops in the crock pot in gravy.  Well gravy is a TON of fat.  So Mike cooked them in the crock pot in water.  Let's just say, they were fine, but they certainly didn't have the flavor we are used to them having.  We chopped the left overs up and they went into salads today for lunch.

I discovered that frozen grapes, that others have said are wonderful, are NOT for me.  And once I have the surgery they really won't be for me.  After surgery I can't have skins and such not chewed up and when eating the frozen grapes I ended up with skin left over every time.  And, really didn't like the flavor as much as when they are fresh.  So I will stick to regular old grapes.

I discovered that I DO like yogurt.  I tried it years ago and didn't like it so I have always avoided it. Well, I am supposed to have 3 snacks a day - each of them 8 ounces of milk.  But, I can have yogurt for one of them.  Well, I like milk, but....   So, I thought I would try yogurt again, but definitely with fruit.  So we bought a low-fat yogurt with strawberry.  LOVED it.  But found out that since it was only LOW fat and had the fruit, it had the protein of the milk but double the carbs.

So, yesterday we went shopping and spent a long time in the yogurt department comparing nutrition labels.  I found out that the Great Value light fatfree yogurt has the same protein and carbs as an 8 ounce servie of skim milk.  Woo hoo.  AND, they are rather inexpensive as well!  So we bought several flavors.  Had Key Lime first - nummy, nummy.

Mike decided to try brussel sprouts.  Hee hee - he'll be finishing the bag that he bought, but I think that won't be a purchase again in the future.  His exact words, "A little salsa and you can get anything down."  Needless to say, I didn't bother to try them if he disliked them so much!

Exercise - I guess we need to get on that one this week. We started the whole food change and completely did it, no slowly, just jumped right in.  I guess it's time we need to "jump" into the exercising thing.  Our problem is finding the time to do it in our busy lives.

I know, you all will say that your lives are busy and you find time.  But I think YOU might actually like exercising.  I haven't gotten to that point...liking exercising.  But, it's something I have to start and something I have to at least do, whether I like it or not.  So.... it must start.

Our problem - we are fair-weather people.  If it's raining, too windy, too cold, icy, we won't be walking.  So...we either need to figure out a place to walk inside or spend the money to get a treadmill.  Time will tell what we figure out.

On the up side of the last week.

• My headaches from the lack of caffeine have finally stopped.
• I found out I like yogurt!
• Our food budget will be changing - more on the veggies and fruit.  But less on the meats and such since the meals we make last for several meals.
• At times, I am not starving.
• I am drinking lots more water.
• I have pretty much mastered the not drinking 30 minutes before, during or 30 minutes after meals.
• I have NOT cheated this entire week.  When I did have 1 cookie, I found out what it counted for on my bubbles and bubbled it.  So it wasn't cheating!  :-)

On the down side of this last week.

• I may have said that at times I am not starving.  Well those times are few and far between.  Most of the time I am starving still!
• We used to be able to shop once a month (except for milk and eggs).  We got really used to that.  Now we need to shop weekly to get the fresh veggies and fruits and yogurt and such.
• I'm still not drinking enough water.  Must work on that.
• We have not started exercising yet.  :-(
• Worried about my kids.  With the two of us eating the leftovers every night, they are left to "fend" and that means fewer "meals" for them.  We need to figure out how we are going to make sure they are still getting well-rounded meals instead of cereal and cheesy tortillas all the time.

So, we did some good things this week and we have some things to work on.

Oh wait - I forgot to tell you the BEST up side.

I LOST 6 POUNDS THIS WEEK.

Bubble, bubble, bubble

I believe I said in an earlier blog that the dietitian has me keeping a food diary.  But, not just a food diary...I must also "bubble" my food into the categories of food.  Carbs, proteins, vegetables, fruits,  fats, milk and water.

Yesterday was an adventure in bubbling.  It was funny really.  I had my breakfast, had my lunch, and at supper time I had so many "left over" bubbles I couldn't eat everything.  I did, however, succeed in not drinking during meals and not having any pop.  And lucky, lucky me, I woke up today with a killer headache...my body getting used to no caffeine.  Tylenol took the edge off of it, but that's it, just the edge.  It's back tonight with a vengeance.  I am hoping that after a few days of no caffeine my body will quit rebelling against me and stop having headaches.

Since my first day in bubbling didn't work out exactly as I had hoped, last night I planned for today.  We knew we were going to have lasagna for supper.  Yes, good old-fashioned, home made lasagna.  So I started from there and worked backwards.  What did I have allotted for already and what did I want to eat for other meals.

I did figure out a way to have my visalus shakes again.  That made me happy.  I had it with milk instead of  juice.  And hey, I got to have my sugar-free, fat-free chocolate mix in it so it was nummy!

Lunch was completely satisfying...2 cups of salad with 2 ounces of baked chicken, with salad dressing.  A bagel thin to go with it and I was filled right up.

I do think that for this to work well, I need to plan ahead like I did last night.  Kind of like a kid laying out their clothes the night before so they don't have to take the time in the morning.  I am all about being prepared, so this will be my new night time routine...plan for the next day.

So for now, my life is all about bubbles.  I must plan in advance what to eat and determine if I have enough bubbles for what I am planning to eat and what else I need to eat to complete my bubbles, or cut out to meet my bubble limit.

Now, I'm off to plan for tomorrow and how I will fill my tummy and my bubbles.

Change

Change - that word alone scares people.  I am facing a HUGE change in my life starting today.

Today I am filling out the bubble sheet that my eating has now been reduced to.  I am finding it MUCH easier to write down what I am eating than figuring out which darn little bubble to fill in.

The bubbles are simply defining how I may eat my calories.  Very weight watchers like.  I get 6 carbs/starchy vegetables, 6 proteins, 3 non-starchy vegetables, 2 fruits, 3 fats.  Then I must add in 3 milks and 6 waters as well as 30 minutes of exercise.

So does my 1 Tablespoon of lite ranch dressing count as a fat or as a free food, because technically it is a free food and I can have 3 free foods a day.  But they have to be spread out.  So then, does the lettuce and coleslaw mix I had count as my vegetable or as a free food, because that too is a free food.  And then I had some flaked chicken with 1 teaspoon of lite miracle whip - again - fat or free?  UGH - technically most of my lunch was on the free list, but since I at them together they aren't free or are they?!  Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh

So it's currently 4:40pm and I am officially starving!  Now I haven't had my afternoon "snack" of 8 ounces of milk yet.  Maybe if I have that it will be better.  I just know I had better do something before I have to go work at the concession stand for the JV football game or I may try to eat everything in the stand!  And there isn't a thing there that is on my "allowed" list.  So....

My wonderful husband is doing this 1400 calorie a day thing as well.  He texted part way through the afternoon that he too was feeling rather hungry.  Could be a grumpy evening in our house!

I'm finding the limiting my food part fairly easy compared to figuring out the exercise part.  I just got home, have a piano lesson soon and then off to the concession stand.  So once I'm done with that, it's dark outside.  And Wapello isn't exactly known for an excess of street lights.  This is why we are seriously considering purchasing a treadmill.

Things that went will today:  I managed to eat both of my meals and not drink anything 30 minutes before or after.  AS hard as I thought that was going to be, it is actually proving fairly easy.  I easily remembered my morning "snack" of milk.  During an afternoon meeting, someone brought treats.  I was excited to have a brownie, was just about to grab it and retracted my arm...oh yeah, I can't have that!  So, I was proud of myself for remembering and not taking one anyway.

So working in the concession stand was torture.  Not because of the work, that was fun, great people and great conversation.  We got a lot of talking done because we weren't exactly busy.  that was a great time, but the torture was scooping up the meat, lettuce and cheese for walking tacos.  Or squirting out the nacho cheese on chips and adding meat.  I love eating those things and then I had to get M&Ms out of the fridge....torture!!!  But, I made it through and didn't cheat!

Supper was an interesting experience.  I had been so careful during breakfast and lunch to not use up all of my bubbles....I had a LOT of bubbles left for supper.  In fact, I ended up not eating all my carbs or veggies for the day and I was stuffed at supper!  Who would have thought!

Thanks to a friend who has gone through this, I have figured out that I can do one of my shakes with milk instead of juice for breakfast.  This makes me happy - I liked my shakes!  We'll see how this goes tomorrow.

Change comes when we need it most.  I am using this change as a daily motivation for what is to be the long-term change, a healthier me.  I know that each step of the way will be difficult.  I know that I will stumble, I will make mistakes, but I will pick myself up and continue and not hold that against myself as I continue forward in my quest.

So I try to think about school and kids and change.  How can I take what I am learning about myself and my personal changes and use them in my professional life?  Is that even possible?

When we first think of change, or a different way of doing something, people often get very defensive.  People often think that when someone suggests a different way of doing something they are saying that the current way is bad.  That is NOT the case.  Suggesting a change doesn't mean that the current way is bad, it is simply an idea that may work as well or better.  Or, could flop and not work well at all.

Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result...I've seen quotes that say that is the definition of insanity.    If we do the same thing and expect a different result - how do we think that result will suddenly change?  IN teaching.  If we have taught the same way for years, or a certain lesson the same way...if we expect that suddenly the test scores will improve...we are being naive.  Getting different results means we need to change the approach we are taking.

The government has decided that ALL students will be proficient in ALL areas.  They take no circumstances into account.  EVERYONE must achieve that level, period.  Schools all over the nation are finding that what we are doing to try to attain that result is not getting the job done.  Schools are having to face hard test results and the fact that if we want a chance to get close to that government set goal, we have to change how we do things.

We have to change and that is scary.  We have to go outside of our comfort zone and try new things, try new approaches, do things that we have never done before.

In my personal life that is what I am doing....I have to change and that is scary.  I am going outside of my comfort zone and trying new things and new approaches and definitely doing things I have never done before.

Take a chance, be willing to change, be willing to put yourself out there and try new things.  I believe you can do it and I hope that you will too.

Glee - can we learn from it?

"Pretty, pretty please.  Don't you ever ever feel that you're less than, less than perfect.
Pretty, pretty please, if you ever, ever feel like you're nothing, you are perfect to me."

Pink's song (granted, the "clean" version) says what I would love to say to every single person.

I started watching Glee last year.  What first drew me to the show was pretty simple, the music.  I love how they take both classic and contemporary songs and re-do them.  For example, the did Cyndi Lauper's "Girls Just Wanna Have Fun" and made it into a ballad.  Way cool, didn't recognize it at first, yet I know every single word!  I love the experimentation and the joy of the music.

These kids are unlikely friends, all outcasts for some reason or another.  The idea that for these kids, music is making school tolerable, that music is their savior to making it through school.  That music is giving them a peer group, a group of people who accept them.

I grew up feeling that way.  I felt safe in music and drama activities.  I wasn't ridiculed, bullied or made fun of by my fellow music geeks.  It was a save place.  We loved music, we loved making music, we had safety in numbers.

I know my daughter feels that connection to music and drama already as an 8th grader.

What is it about the arts that allow people to feel accepted for who they are?  That makes people feel safe and allows them to just be who they are?

The more I watch Glee, the more I love it.  Yes, I still love the music, but I love how they show the horrible things that people do to others who are "different" and who live their life the way they want to.  It extends past the students to the adults in the show as well.  There is the bully teacher, the OCD nervous teacher, the shy over-weight teacher, the popular good-haired teacher, every group that we see in the students, we see in the teachers.

The show does a fabulous job of showing how people who choose to love themselves for who they are treated by the "mainstream" people.  They are ostracized daily by other students and except for a few caring teachers, the other adults allow it to occur.

I know that the show stereo-types and exaggerates, but it highlights what IS happening to our students.  It may over do it in their presentation, but they deal with real issues that are really happening.

One of the girls in the show says: "Everyday just feels like a war.  I walk around hating the world.  But I don't want to fight any more.  I just want to be me."

Shouldn't every student be able to stop fighting and be allowed to just be who they are?  Kids shouldn't have to feel like every day is a war, that every day they are are fighting against the people around them.  Kids should be able to be themselves and be loved and accepted for whoever that is.

And honestly, I say kids because I'm referring to this show...but I really mean people.  ALL people should be able to love themselves for exactly who they are.  ALL people should be accepted for who they are, whoever that is.

Adults, just like kids, hide who they are, hide what they feel and want.  NO ONE should have to pretend to be someone they aren't.  NO ONE should have to hide what they feel, what they want.  Everyone deserves to know that they are not alone, that they are loved and accepted for exactly who they are.

I have spent my life pretending to be okay with being over weight.  On the outside I have always seemed happy and "jolly."  Then at home I would find solace in food.  Being teased and made fun of and made to feel less because I was fat, played a huge toll on me.

I may have pretended that I was okay with it but I am not okay with it.  Not because I don't like me, but because I want to be able to do things I see other people do.  I want to be able to ride in an airplane and not need a seat belt extender.  I want to have the seat belt fit so I can ride on the roller coaster with my children.  I don't want to have to pretend that I don't want to go for a walk with friends because I won't make it very far before I am huffing and puffing and embarrass myself.  I don't want to have to pretend to not hear people making fun of me.

I'm 43, and if I feel that way after years of dealing with my weight, how hard must it be for kids who are being teased and made fun of daily?!  Kids don't know how to process their feelings, how to deal with everything that is happening to them.  Kids are merciless to each other.  We, as adults, need to stand up for those kids.  We need to help those kids deal with what is happening to them and most importantly, we need to help those kids LIKE WHO THEY ARE.

The best lesson we can teach our students, the kids in our lives, is to LOVE THEMSELVES for exactly who they are.  Don't make excuses, don't try to change...be who you were made to be and love yourself for it.

Day 2 and Day 3

Yesterday, Day 2 on my journey.

I shared with my students what I was going to be doing.  Went back and forth in my head if it was the right thing to do and decided that I was going to be telling them anyway when they asked, so why not just tell them from the start.

As I was telling the kids I made sure to say, SEVERAL times, that I was NOT doing this because I don't like what I look like or I don't like me.  I told them that I love me just the way I was made, but it is important to me that I be healthy.  I want to be a grandma who plays with her grandchildren and has fun, not one who sits in the chair and watches them playing.  I explained to them that with being overweight there come many health risks and I want to make myself healthier.

It was VERY important to me that my students know that they should love themselves for whoever they are.  I don't want anyone thinking I am doing this for how I look or because I don't like me.  I am doing this to be healthier.  I certainly don't want to send the message to students that if they are heavy they should want to change or they should not like themselves.

I also talked about how being overweight is partially my fault for the eating habits I have had.  I explained that having good eating habits from a young age is important.  If you have them from the start, it is much easier to carry them forward into adulthood when your metabolism changes on you anyway!

But I went on to tell them that part of being overweight is out of your control, it is a gene.  It is how you are made and you should NEVER feel badly for how you were made.  We were all made to be exactly who we are and we should love who that is.  NO ONE is perfect but we are who we are supposed to be.

One of the best parts of what I have already gone through with this program was in the reading I did and in meeting with the surgeon.  Yes, they want me to try to lose weight before the surgery, but he also said that people try, and often gain weight "it's part of the disease."

It gave me such validation....I have tried and tried to lose weight.  It's frustrating beyond belief.  I know people in my life have, at times, watched me eat and judged me for what I eat.

Here's the deal...when I eat healthy, exercise and really work hard to lose weight...I do for a little while and then, even while still eating healthy and exercising, I start to put it back on and then more.

The kicker - when I eat what I want and don't worry about it...I maintain my weight.  No, I don't lose, but I also don't gain.  It's like my body just wants to be there at that weight.  And let me tell you....if eating carrots, broccoli, water, etc doesn't make me lose any weight and eating chocolate, coke zero and cheetos doesn't make me gain any weight - I will pick the chocolate, coke zero and cheetos!  :-)

But, back to the kids at school.  ONe of the reasons I first decided to tell them what was going on is that every morning since last March I have had a Visalus shake for breakfast.  I am NOT good at time management in the morning (getting out of bed and getting breakfast before I leave the house - ummm, I'd rather stay in bed).  So, I always have that shake at school with me while I am sitting in my happy place in the entry way with the kids.  It's always been 12 ounces of OJ, the shake mix, 1/2 cup of mandarin oranges.  Nummy.  Well, one of the "NO" items for me now is juice.  I can't have any juice any more.  (the sugar molecules would enter my system before being broken down and cause diarrhea and such - so no more juice)

So kids were already asking me where my smoothie was.  They were already seeing something was  weird with me.  They've been noticing that I am drinking water instead of coke zero, and now this darn smoothie is gone, what's going on Mrs. P!?!

And, if all goes as planned, when they come back to school next fall, there will be significantly less of me!  And I'd be answering a TON of questions then.

It was kind of fun, actually.  The kids are really excited for me, and that really made my day.  Unlike adults, they totally accept what I am doing and don't question the why.

I do have to say, there were a few moments that nearly made me cry.  A 4th grader worried I would become anorexic. I assured her that I would be FAR from anorexic!  A 3rd grader worried I would die from the surgery.  I told her that I had more of a chance of dying by driving to Burlington and being hit by another car.

I loved when a 5th grade boy told me that was it, he was going to stop eating junk food and start now and eating better because he too wanted to be able to play with his grandkids and if good eating habits start when you are young, he was starting now!  :-)

Kids have a habit of being very transparent and saying exactly what they are feeling.  Honestly, the kids were awesome and totally and completely supportive.  NONE of them can believe that my stomach will end up being the size of 1/2 of an egg - they just can't fathom that!  They feel VERY sorry that I will never get to have ice cream again.  THAT was the worst for them.  Oh, and that from now on my "snack" is a glass of milk.  That made them just look at me like I was crazy.

Friday was a fabulous day 2 to my journey.  The kids were phenomenal and I had my first "milk snack" during recess time!

SATURDAY - Day 3:

So, I tried the whole not drinking while you eat thing.  That was weird.  I drank a 20 ounce bottle of water while driving from Des MOines to Iowa City.  I finished it out by Williamsburg outlet mall.  When we got to REd Lobster, we had a 15 minute wait for a table.  I definitely waited 30 minutes after drinking to eat anything.  Then, after eating supper we shopped at Wal-Mart and then drove home.  I didn't have any water until I got home.  So, I did it.  It was weird, at times I was really thirsty, but it passed.

I've decided that this no drinking during meals is going to be my first behavior change.  I will work on the chewing 30 times for each bite after this has become more natural for me.  I can't change everything at once, that just isn't possible.

Mike and I had already decided to wait unitl MOnday to start this whole 1400 calorie plan since we were traveling this weekend.  So, I DID have one pop today - but just the one that I had with lunch at IHOP.  And I didn't even drink it all!

Tomorrow we are doing to do some "prep" for the week, figuring out what to eat for lunches and suppers.  And actually that will be easier for me than breakfast.  I struggle with eating breakfast, always have.  And the shakes were an easy way for me to get my breakfast but not feel heavy.  So tomorrow I need to spend some time figuring out what I can do for breakfast that will meet my requirements but not made me feel icky.

Tomorrow is Day 4, a day of planning and preparing for the start of new eating habits that begin Monday.

To quote C.S. Lewis (I saw this on a friend's facebook page tonight):

"There are far, far better things ahead than any we leave behind."