To my students, past, present and future...

Have you seen the e-card that goes around on facebook that says,

 "I wish I was as fat as when I first thought I was fat!"

I have seen that many times and each time it rings so true.  Our self-images can be so skewed.  Helped along with our society's view on weight.

I'm not sure if I have told you this before or not, but in high school I was called "Moose" by a boy who was in the grade ahead of me.  Ironically, or maybe not so ironic, he was heavy as well.

Tonight I was looking through pictures for Maggie.  She needed a picture of my grandfather.  I found the picture she needed, but as I was doing so, I found my HS scrapbooks.  I called Maggie in to see some of the picture of when I was a freshman like she is now.

We were looking at some of the pictures and I realized - I may have been heavy, but I certainly wasn't obese then.  Where did that boy get off making fun of me and calling me names?!

I'm sure he does not realize what that did to me - what effect that had on me.  One would hope it would have the effect of making you want to lose weight to "show him" how wrong he was.  Unfortunately, I turned to food for comfort and ...well... got larger.

I remember a friend said to me once, "You have such a pretty face, it's a shame you are so heavy."  Again, a male.  I am sure he has no memory of saying that to me - but I sure do...I can remember where we were standing.  I can see the image in my head very clearly.  Why?  Because to have a friend say that to me cut through my heart.

It truly is amazing the effect a few words can have on a person.  The LONG LASTING effect those words can have.  I'm almost 45 years old - those things were said to me when I was 16-19 years old.  I have never forgotten them - they have been a HUGE part of shaping my self-image.  Maybe if someone had been complimenting me on how I looked it would have off set it?!  And yes, my family did - but family doesn't count!  They have to be nice to you!  LOL

Maggie was looking at my prom pictures from 10th grade.  I remember that dress was size 13.  Seriously - size 13 and they were calling me names for my weight.

Yes, I realize it wasn't a size 0, I was not a person with the "ideal" body.  But was it really necessary to make me feel horrible about myself - so horrible I wanted to never be in school.  I HATED school.  Not the classes - all the rest of it.

It's why I became a teacher - the way kids treat each other.

I don't think I'm an especially great actress - I don't hide it well when I am upset or sad or depressed.  Can I fake it and act happy - yes, for the short term, and when in a conversation with people.  But sitting in class, I was just "there" - pretty much going through the steps, waiting to go home.

Wouldn't it have been nice if just one teacher asked me if I was okay?  If one teacher noticed that I was detached?  If one teacher had showed me I mattered?

Luckily school was not difficult for me and my detached attitude during class did not affect my grades.  So I learned that getting good grades got the teacher's attention and they would acknowledge me for them.  But what I craved - what I NEEDED - was a teacher to notice ME.

Don't get me wrong - some of you reading this are former teachers of mine - I had great teachers.  I learned a lot and was prepared for college and the world.  But I didn't feel cared for as a person, just as a student in class.

Like I said, it's why I became a teacher.  I have always said, "If I can help ONE person through the hell we call high school, I will feel like I have been a success in my career."

I am fortunate - I have had former students tell me that I DID have an impact on them and I did make a difference to them.  And for that, I am forever thrilled.

If my students past, present and future read this - I hope they think of me as someone who did care about them more than just a student in my chairs in my classroom.

Many times I have pulled a student aside or talked to a student before school or after school.  What have I said to them?  "Are you okay?"  Yes, I asked them if they are okay because I noticed that they were not their "normal" self and I was concerned and wanted them to know that I noticed, I cared, and I was there to help them if I could.

I have contacted parents when I see a student that way for a few days.  Why?  Because as a parent, I would want to know if a teacher was noticing that my child was not their "normal" self for more than a day or so.  I want to know if someone is noticing my child is struggling with something.

As a teacher, I want the parents to know that I am there for their children.  I see their children as a whole person, not just a kid in the seats in my room.  I want the parent to know that I am with them if they are working to help their child and that I will do anything I can to help.

Boy it would have made a difference in my life in high school if someone had noticed what was going on with me.  I was desperate for friends, desperate to be noticed.  I spent SO MANY hours trying to get "in" with the popular crowd.  They were never going to accept me - hell, at our 20 year reunion, they would barely even say "Hi" to me.

But what a difference it would have made if a teacher had taken the time to talk to me and ask me if I was okay.  To ask me if I needed anything.  Taken the time to SEE me.  I felt invisible.

Someone might read this and say that I am wanting teachers to cross that line and be the friends of the students.  NO, that is not what I am advocating at all.  A teacher is a person of authority and just like a parent, we need to be teacher first - not their friend.

You can "be there" for your students without crossing that line.  No students call me by my first name and think they can be my friend.  No students want to hang out with me.

BUT, students know that if they need to talk, they need help - I am there for them.  When I was teaching in Wapello I had my "happy place" which was the entry way of the school in the mornings.  I was there before the kids came in for the day and I stayed there until the tardy bell rang.  Why?  Because I got to interact with the students and get to know them outside of the classroom setting.  Was I their friend?  Did I cross the line?  No way.  But did I talk with the kids, ask them how things were going, remember important details about them and their lives and ask about them...Absolutely.  I built up a rapport with them so they knew I was there for them.

I had students come in crying and come and get a hug and sit for a bit - just needing someone to be there.  OK - I can do that.  Would I follow up with them - you bet your ass I did.  The next day I was sure to talk to them and ask if things were better, how had they made it better, how could they help fix it for the future.  My goal was to help them see that things do get better, there is hope - and a lot of the time, you can do things to help yourself for the future.

Yesterday I had 2 girls come up to me as I was walking out of the building where I was subbing.  I had subbed for them the week before.  They told me how they missed me and wished I was still their sub.  (It was a long-term job that I stopped early due to some issues.)  These girls told me how they wished I was still there and they missed me and tried to convince me that I need to come back and be their sub.  Funny thing - you certainly can't say I crossed any line or got to friendly - they didn't even remember my name!

That conversation made my day...heck, who am I kidding, they made my month!  Evidently in the two days they had me, they figured out who I was.  They felt comfortable enough to talk to me when they had only seen me for a total of like 90 minutes.  I came home yesterday knowing that I may not have been in their lives for long - but I had at least some impact on them.

This all stems back to that darn e-card I started with in this entry.  As a teenager (even before that) I thought I was fat.  It was reinforced by classmates/fellow students who felt justified in making fun of me, belittling me and making me feel awful about myself.  And when I think of that I remember high school and how all I wanted to do was be out of there and away from those people who did that to me.  I did not feel safe and protected by my teachers.  I did not feel like my teachers were "there for me" and cared or even noticed what I was going through.

So to my students - past, present and future - I hope you all know that I am there for you, I care and I will do what I can to help you through whatever you are going through.  I can be a shoulder, a sounding board, whatever you need.  But mostly know - that I DO notice when you are struggling, I do care and I WILL ask you about it.  You may think I'm just a dumb adult when I ask you if you are okay - but that's okay with me.  As a dumb adult, I feel a responsibility to make you feel important, worthy and acknowledged - not just when you are being an awesome student, but when you are struggling and you need support.  Or when you are just a little "off" and think you are hiding it from the world.  I notice you on your "off" days and I care.  I WILL ask you if you are okay.  I WILL call your parents if I see you having several "off" days - Why - because I care about you.  Please know - you matter, you are awesome, and no one should be allowed to make you feel differently!

Mirror, Mirror on the wall...

So in August I started seeing a therapist.  NO, not for my "many" issues (LOL) - but for my relationship with food.  I say she is my food therapist!

I had to see her once before surgery to get psych approval for the surgery.  I liked her.  She is the person they have us all see, so she is used to talking with weight loss surgery patients.

At my support groups I have heard others talk about how helpful she has been for them.  They, the other WLS patients, have encouraged us newbies to utilize her.

So, toward the end of August I was struggling when I look in the mirror.  Honestly - it's not the relationship with food that I am struggling with.  That is going well.  I am eating the right things, I am making good choices and honestly, I don't even want all the "bad" stuff I used to eat.

My problem is when I look in the mirror, I still see the fat girl.  I see the rolls and flab.  Yes, it's gotten looser, but when I look, THAT is the first thing I see.

So I made the appointment because I want to start accepting my new body and seeing a new me.

The funny part is, my head gets it.

• I am very aware that I now have only like 1 1/2 chins instead of 4-6.
• I am very aware that my face is much thinner.
• I am very aware that my old clothes fall off me (bottoms) or I swim in them (tops).
• I am very aware that my old bras are laughable now.

 

I am down from a 3X or 4X shirt to a 0X.  (yes, for those of you who are not plus sized saavy, that is a size and it is still bigger than a "normal" sized XL.)  

I am down from a 30W pant (at my largest) to today's purchase of 18W jeans and dress pants.

I am down from a 46DD bras (again at my largest) to currently a 38DDD.  Honestly - this one pisses me off some.  Everyone talks about how with WLS they have lost their boobs.  PLEASE - can I loose them!  Or at least some of them.  I had to order in the DDD.  They don't carry it in the store.  Actually, they don't carry many 38s at all where I shop - becaues most plus sized people need at least a 40.  So that part is good. But as my band size goes down, the "girls" jump out of the DD I used to wear.  And since I really don't want to look like I have 4 boobs - I had to get the DDD to hold them all in.  THAT frustrates me.  But...oh well - a small price.

When I started this process last October - I bought 2 belts because I started losing some weight pre-surgery and even though I couldn't go down a size, the pants were getting to where I needed a belt.

Anyway - until today, I had no long pants that fit me.  I had one pair that was like 3 sizes too big that I wore last week to the football game.  The hilarious part - I grabbed one of my belts - you can see on the belt that when I was wearing it last year I was on the largest or 2nd largest notch.  Now on the smallest notch it slides over my hips.  So - guess those won't help!  LOL

OK - back to my point tonight.  When I look in the mirror, I just don't "see" the new me, I see the old me.  Last week my therapist said something that really got me to thinking.  She asked me if I could imagine being any smaller.  My answer - NO.  I do not remember wearing size 18 pants.  It was so long ago, I simply don't remember it.  I don't remember ever weighing 241 pounds.

Her point - maybe my plateau and my making excuses to not exercise are coming from my brain telling me that I  am proud of myself, I am happy with the new size and I can't imagine being smaller so this is a safe place to be.

Wow - that gave me a lot to think about.  I told her today when I saw her that she was probably right.  I am so thrilled with my progress that I am holding myself back.  

This weekend I made the decision that I cannot do that any more.  I have a goal - that goal is to see 200...or really, I would LOVE to see 199!  I would love to hit "onederland"!  

I am a goal oriented person.  And, as much as I hate to set my goals on what the WLS calls "scale victories" - I have NO WAY to set a goal for a size I would like to hit in clothing because I have no clue what size I will fit into when I hit that goal!  So - for now, my goal is a scale-based goal.  It is tangible - and I need tangible.

Some of the ideas my food therapist has had is to give myself visuals to help remind myself that I have changed.  So tonight I took this picture.

This is the ONE pair of pants from the old me that I kept (30W) and my brand new pair I bought today (18W) that fit perfectly.

Seeing images like that really help me internalize that I am changing.  

I was in the dressing room today at the consignment store trying on several pair of jeans and dress pants.  I had grabbed all 18s - or so I thought.  I was putting on one pair and was freaking out that they were too big - they were 20s.  Yes, I saw the size BEFORE putting them on, but figured, what's one size, I'm sure they'll fit.  I was shocked when they were truly too big.  I never dreamed a pair of 20s would be too big for me.

As is normal for me and pants - I tried on many and bought 2.  But hey - I bought 2!!  This weekend I plan to do a little more shopping because like I mentioned earlier - except for the 2 I bought today - I have NO long pants and we are getting to long pants weather!!

Like I said, I made a decision this weekend that I WILL start exercising and I WILL reach my goal.  I had not shared that with anyone...but tonight, a friend contacted me and said she needs an exercise buddy to help her stay on track.  OMG - this is just what I needed.  Having someone else exercising with me will hold me accountable - I can't make excuses when I have someone coming over to exercise with me.  THIS is exactly what I needed.  I am so happy that the "stars aligned" and she needed me as much as I needed her!  We start tomorrow.  And yes, tomorrow will come - it will not be put off.

Time for some complete honesty now.  I LOVE seeing people I haven't seen in a long time.  I think that is one of the most motivating things for me.  Because they have NOT been looking at me every day.  THEY can see the transformation I am making.

Tonight I ran into someone I hadn't seen since about a week after my surgery.  She just kept going on about how I looked.  This may sound vain - but wow does that feel good.  It really helps me take another look at myself and attempt to see what the other person is seeing.  

Mike just shakes his head at me sometimes because I tell him I want to keep running into people we haven't seen for awhile.  It's not that I am fishing for compliments, it's that I am trying very hard to see myself through the eyes of others.  Other eyes that are not jaded with the day to day struggle I have.  Other eyes that don't see the rolls and the flab, but instead see the nearly 87 pounds lost.  Other eyes that can see that I have lost over 25% of myself.  

Mirror, mirror on the wall...thank you for giving me those other eyes to help me see myself as the world sees me.  Thank you for giving me a therapist who has some of these "other eyes" and "gets" what I am going through.  Thanks for those other eyes that encourage me to look for ways to see the change in myself, like taking the picture I took tonight.

I may struggle with my normal day to day eyes that see the "gumba" in me.  (that would be the brown mushrooms in Mario Cart on the Mushroom Gorge race track.  They are brown mushrooms toward the finish line.  I picture them every time I look at myself unclothed and see my tummy roll hanging.  Sad, but true.)  Anyway, I may struggle with my self-image and my "normal" eyes.  But I am lucky enough that I am finally starting to use those "other eyes" to look at myself.  Now if only I can get those to be my normal eyes.

Plateau....the dreaded word

In all of my reading about weight loss surgery, and now on the facebook sites I belong to for bariatric patients, plateau is a dreaded thing.

Dictionary.com defines plateau as  (I took out the land form!)

a period or state of little or no growth or decline: to reach a plateau in one's career.

Psychology . a period of little or no apparent progress in an individual's learning, marked by an inability to increase speed, reduce number of errors, etc., and indicated by a horizontal stretch in a learning curve or graph.

to reach a state or level of little or no growth or decline, especially to stop increasing or progressing;remain at a stable level of achievement; level off: After a period of uninterrupted growth, sales began to plateau.

So why is this so tough?  Unlike the sample sentence above, I have not had uninterrupted growth, but rather, uninterrupted LOSS.  I was losing at a consistent rate.  But now, it is slowing down, a LOT.  Am I now hitting a plateau, or leveling off?

I do NOT want to level off yet.  I have 43 pounds to go til my goal weight of 200 pounds set by the doctor.  Honestly, I would love to lose even more and get below 200 pounds.  I remember being 200 pounds in college - that is the lowest weight I remember being.  It would be phenomenal if I could achieve my lowest weight in memory!  I just have to get below 200 pounds to do that.

So why is my weight loss slowing down now?  Why the possible plateau now?  I can tell you the #1 reason without even thinking.   I HATE TO EXERCISE and now the pool is closed and I can't go swim every day.  

People say that they love to work out.  Or, they feel so much better after working out.  WHAT?  They must be sick in the head!

I know, I know.  I have to exercise.  But I am so good at finding every single excuse to avoid it.  

I have a recumbant bike and elliptical and could easily go use them every single day.  I have a Wii fit board and discs.  I have exercise DVDs.  I have the "equipment" to do what I need to do.  But still I don't do it.

It's frustrating because I have worked my tail off to change my eating habits.  And I truly have changed them.  I don't eat crap any more.  If I eat the "dreaded cracker" (not supposed to eat them - empty calories and carbs that give my body NOTHING that I need).  But if I do have some crackers, I have them with some 35 calorie cheese that gives me some protein.  AND, I only have a serving of the crackers - that, by the way, is FOUR club crackers.  Yes, only 4.

I make sure to eat my protein first so that when I am full my body first has what it needs.  I pick protein heavy foods, I add things to recipes to add protein.  I stay away from pastas and other carbs. 

I am truly doing the food part right.

So why is this exercising thing so hard for me to just do?  Yes, I dislike it.  I feel stupid doing it.  I get all sweaty and nasty.  I get winded and feel dumb that it makes me feel winded.  And I have yet to feel "great" after exercising.

Some people say they pay a gym to hold themselves accountable.  Here are some issues with that...

1)  I have equipment at home, it is stupid to pay a gym to go and use equipment that I own.

2)  I feel like I look stupid when I exercise and I really don't want others watching me or seeing me.

3)  I don't have a job right now - and though we certainly aren't going to the poor house because of that, we also don't have the extra money to pay a gym right now.

4)  If I WERE going to pay to exercise, I would pay to swim because it works so many more muscle groups and burns so many more calories.  BUT - the nearest indoor pool is 30 miles away.  That means $$ to join, $$ to drive and instead of a 60 minute work out it becomes a minimum of 120 minutes to include the drive time.  If I am having trouble carving out 60 minutes a day, how will I find 120 minutes a day?  

Ok - see.  Told you I was great at finding excuses.  

I had applied for a job in one of the nearby towns that does have a YMCA.  I was so excited at the possibility of getting that job because I would already be there and could swim before coming home each day.  Unfortunately, that job was not offered to me.

Now, I am substitute teaching.  Many times I find out at 6am that I am working that day.  Makes it more difficult to find a consistent time to work out.  If I KNEW I wasn't working every day...or I WAS working every day.  

UGH - like I said, excuses, excuses.  

OK - I am telling you, here and now, I have to put the excuses aside.  I am going to start working out at night before I go to bed.  I HATE getting up in the morning, am much more of a night owl.  So that will work better for me than earlier in the morning.  Tonight I have to paint a bathroom.  When I complete that, I will head out to the bonus room and find that DVD I bought last spring and just DO IT.

If you feel so inclined...ask me if I am doing it.  Maybe the pressure from you will hold me accountable.