Overweight....FINALLY!

I knew that it had been awhile since I posted...I did not realize it had been nearly 5 months.

Many times over the last 5 months I have started a blog post in my head.  Topics ranging from having a 7 month stall, feeling content with my new life, frustration that I have failed since I am still obese, how I still find no enjoyment in exercising....the list goes on.

This summer I actually tried running.  It was short lived.  I would do a jog/walk switch off.  Walking typically more than jogging, but getting my heart rate up there.  First day out...I was attacked by 2 dogs who live two doors away from my parents.  Yep, 2 black labs tackled me.  The owners did not even apologize, simply told me the dogs were very protective of their lawn.  I ran in the road by their house from then on.

The running was very short lived...but I did keep up walking for quite a bit.   I was even getting up early before leaving town for trips to be sure to walk.  Well ..that went by the wayside as well.

I dropped the gym this summer for a couple of reasons.  1) we were gone so much it did not make sense to pay and never be in town to even go to he gym.  2) it was summer, I can walk outside and enjoy being outside instead of stuck in a gym on a machine.

Well...I joined up again come August because I was getting pretty lax on exercising.  The problem...now I was paying someone and still not going.  I thought now that school was starting we would be back to a more normal routine and that would include going to the gym.  Ha...how wrong I was.  Between work, my son's drumming and my daughter's cross country and marching band competitions, we are never home.  I am writing this while in the car on our way to a drumming performance.  (So if I have weird spelling or words...blame it on fat thumbs and smart phone auto correct.)

So...we dropped the gym again here at the end of September.  We do have the ability to use the school's weight room and work out machines. ..we just have to find the time and energy (and motivation) to go.  We shall see how this goes.

Regardless of this lack of exercising...something has seemed to be clicking with my body this past month or so.  I started the summer weighing anywhere from 195-197.  It fluctuated but I stayed in that range.  Then, all of a sudden at the end of August I dropped to 192.  Then immediately jumped back up to 194.  I wasn't sure what happened, but I wasn't going to complain.

The last month I have stayed under 195 and was gradually dropping a half a pound here, a half a pound there.  Yesterday I stepped on the scale and was 189.4!  OMG. ..Under 190?  I truly do not remember when I weighed that little...for sure high school which was 27 years ago.  But I remember weighing 200 in college so not sure when in high school.

I figured it was a fluke and today I would be back up over 190.  Nope...I was 189.0 today.  So I decided to put it into my BMI calculator since I knew it would be getting close to being below 30.  I thought my "magic number" was 187...so I wasn't too excited.

Holy crap...189 puts me below a BMI of 30...below 30 is OVERWEIGHT instead of obese.  I even used two different BMI calculators because I was sure it could not be right.  But it is...After over 27 years of being obese...I AM OVERWEIGHT!

I have giggled and joked that my goal was to be overweight.  People chuckled when I said..."I just want to be overweight, can I please be overweight?!"  They knew what I meant and why I said that but it still made them chuckle.

You know how you set a goal, even an obtainable goal, but you still doubt you can actually attain it?   That was me and the goal of being overweight.  Yes, I truly wanted it,  but it has been a dream and so far out of reach for so many years, I guess I doubted it could ever really happen.

Honestly, that is probably what has held me in my stall for so long...the disbelief that I truly could reach that goal.  I am so used to not being where I want to be weight wise, I did not believe I could truly do it.  I was careful about what I ate,  I was going to the gym, I was doing everything "right" but I still stayed at 195-197 and obese.

When school started this August I kind of decided...okay, this is who I am and what I am going to be.  I would love to be less, but I am so much better than I was even a year ago, and my health is so much better that I was going to be content with staying 195-197.

I am still not sure what has changed other than my mind set.  I am not going to the gym and I stopped tracking my food since it did not seem to matter.  I even started allowing myself more carbs than my program's plan allows.  Why?  Because for some reason my new tummy rejects a lot of the proteins, but accepts the carbs.  I was sick of always feeling Bleh forcing the proteins in because that is what I am supposed to do.   I wanted to enjoy what I ate.

In my head it makes little sense that these actions have allowed me to start losing weight again...but it has.  I have dropped 6 pounds in the last month.   And as of today I am officially overweight.  I am more than ecstatic.  I am in disbelief, I am thrilled.  I am revitalized.  I have renewed faith in myself.  I am listening to my body and what it tells me and trusting it.  I HOPE that works...we shall see.

But for now, I am rejoicing in the fact that for at least today. ..I AM OVERWEIGHT NOT OBESE!!!

ONE YEAR

One year ago tonight I was in a motel in Iowa City preparing for bed.  Having something to eat, probably, and some water ... all before midnight - the magical cut off time for food and drink when having surgery the next day.

I honestly do not recall being nervous.  Maybe if we went back in time and could look, I was, but my memory is not of nerves - just excitement.

Sometimes I wonder if I was odd that I was not nervous.  I belong to a few support groups on-line for people who have had weight loss surgery and often I will read about someone who is scheduling their surgery or their surgery is in a few days or tomorrow and they are saying they are nervous and wondering if they are doing the right thing.

I truly know that once I made this decision, I have never looked back.  I never second guessed myself or wondered if I was doing the right thing.

Several years ago (like 11) I knew someone who had the surgery and had many complications.  She had been hospitalized for much of the 3 months following surgery, lost nearly all of her hair with the rapid weight loss, and basically just looked sickly.  It scared me away from the idea of surgery.

Well, Labor Day weekend of 2012 was a turning point for me - and one from which I have never looked back!  I probably need to thank my brother-in-law and his wife for the site they chose for their wedding as that played a huge role in my turning point.

They got married at Lutsen up on Lake Superior.  Beautiful site for a wedding.  They got married down near the beach...we all stayed in condos up a HUGE freaking flight of stairs.  Those stairs were my sign #1 that it was time.  I was humiliated at how out of breath I was just trying to go up those stairs.  Others were going up at the same time, others who were older than me by a good 20 years in some cases.  They went up and then went over and started doing whatever.  I stopped part way up, was out of breath, my lungs burned, I could not breathe.  Mike and I took the long way back to the condo once we reached the top of the stairs...why?  So I could attempt to catch my breath and not humiliate myself more.

That sign #1 - did not turn into a positive until much later.  At that point it was simply humiliation, pure and simple.  I remember that when we got back to the condo, my mother-in-law and daughter were working on the groom's dinner food.  She asked me why I wasn't helping my daughter and her.  I, who was still trying to catch my breath and not humiliate myself, lied and told her that I had hurt my ankle on the stairs.  This ankle is one that I broke in 2003 and does often bother me - but it was not bothering me that day.  But it was a quick excuse to attempt to cover up my inability to breathe.

Sign #2 came later that evening during the groom's dinner.  Someone I had not seen in about 5 years showed up and I did not recognize her.  18 months earlier she had had Gastric Bypass Surgery (RNY).  I finally got the guts to talk to her about it and her only regret was that she hadn't done it years earlier.

I guess those 2 signs were all I needed to take the plunge.  I got on-line that weekend and requested an appointment with the chief of bariatric surgery at the University of Iowa.

I guess that sign #3 was how quickly I was able to get in to see the doctor and start my journey.  Within 6 weeks of taking the plunge and requesting an appointment, I was in their office starting my journey toward surgery.  Now 6 weeks may seem like a long time - but getting an appointment at the University of Iowa is not always a quick and/or easy thing to do.  Often they are a good 4-6 months out in scheduling things.  So to me, that was sign #3 that this was what I was supposed to be doing.

Over the next 7 months, I can say that I got frustrated and was hungry - but I was never deterred from my path.  In fact, that made me MORE determined.  I remember a friend suggesting that since I was being successful in my 7 months and losing weight, maybe I wouldn't need the surgery after all.  I know she was trying to be positive and helpful, but it made me laugh inside because I felt anything but successful.  It took me 7 months to lose 30 pounds and I was starving the whole stinking time.  I mean really hungry.  It wasn't like my stomach shrunk and I got used to eating less.  I was hungry every minute of every day.  But, I didn't give in and eat junk.  Yes, at times I actually ate a full meal so I would feel satisfied, just for a little while.  But that was rare.  Typically I stuck to my eating plan.  I was determined that if I was going to do this surgery, I was going to be successful.

I look back and I am amazed.  I seriously never wavered on my decision.  It's like once I made that on-line request for an appointment I was on a mission and nothing was going to stop me.

I had some people question my decision - in fact try to tell me I was doing the wrong thing.  Tell me about people who died when they had the surgery.  Telling me about people who had the surgery and regained all the weight.  That did not scare me or change my mind.  It annoyed me and even angered me that they had that little faith in me.  One person went so far as to scold me when I had a finger full of frosting from a cake.  Yes, ONE finger tip worth of frosting from a cake.  While that person stood there and ate like 2 pieces of cake and later had a couple more.  That person told me that if I was going to have this surgery and expect it to work I was going to have to stop doing that or I would fail.

That did not make me question my decision, but it made me question why that person had so little faith in me.  My amazing husband did what I am simply not strong enough to do, and told that person how much they hurt me by saying that to me.  That person has never bothered to apologize to me, but has never said another word about my eating.

But I still did not waver.  I KNEW that what I was doing was what I had to do for my health and well being.  I was taking my life back and I was not letting anything stop me.

Through the past year I have also never questioned my decision or wished I had not done the surgery.  Are there times that are rough, yes.  Having food be fine one day and make me sick the next is not fun.  But it doesn't happen that often.  And if I can figure out what does it - I don't eat it any more.

I have become rather food apathetic.  Meaning, I really don't care if I eat.  I'm rarely hungry and when I am, nothing sounds appealing.  Going out to eat is no longer something I look forward to - it's more like, "hmmm, if we go out, what will I eat?"  But to me, that is a small price to pay for my health and getting my life back and being in control of my life and well being.

A year ago tonight I would never, ever have dreamed that I would be sitting here writing this post in a size 16 jeans (not a 16W, a normal person size 16 bought at Kohl's) and a MEDIUM shirt.  Yes, that's smaller than large!  LOL  I was at a 30W pant and a 4X shirt when I started this journey in September of 2012.  The change in sizes of my clothing is overwhelming to me at times.  It almost makes me cry in the store when something from the "normal" sizes actually fits me.  As I sit here thinking about it, I cry.

Have I reached my goal?  Not yet.  Notice I am not saying No, I am saying NOT YET.  This morning I weighed 196.4 - that is still obese on the BMI scale.  I truly want to just be overweight.  I would LOVE to be "normal" but that is 40 pounds away.  If I set that goal right now - it will overwhelm me.  So I set smaller goals.  And my current goal is to hit 187 because that puts my BMI into the "overweight" category instead of obese.

Thursday I have my 1 year appointment at the surgeon's office.  I am hoping they remember the goal they set for me of 200 pounds.  And I PRAY that their scale isn't too much different from mine.  I may not eat all mroning before my appointment just to make sure that the normal couple of pounds you add during the day from eating and drinking aren't there for my step onto that scale.  Not because it really matters, because I know what my scale at home says.  But I am a pleaser - I want to please people, I want them to see I did what they set before me.  So I want THEIR scale to show that I made their goal.  So cross your fingers!

If I have one piece of advice to someone undertaking this journey - it's not food, diet, exercise, surgery related.  It's something simpler than that.  TAKE PICTURES of yourself.  Even though you do not like what you look like - take pictures from all angles.  AND, take measurments of your thighs, upper arms, hips, waist, bust, chest, neck.  Do it at your highest weight.  Then do it right before surgery.  Then do it monthly after that.

I SO wish I had pics like that of me from before surgery.  I wish I had measurements from before surgery.  Why?  The hardest part of the whole journey for me is wrapping my head around what I look like now.  I still see the 327 pound girl when I look in the mirror.  I need the pictures to help me truly see what I look like now.  To see how much healthier I look.  To see "the Inner Skinny Me" that is no longer inner!

I don't have the pics I wish - but for you here, I have a picture of the first day of school in 2012 (that was about a week before the wedding I mention).  Then I have a picture from shortly before my surgery.  Then I have 4 pictures that I just went and made my husband take right now!

August 2012 - first day of school.

March 2013 - down about 20 pounds from highest weight - about 6 weeks before surgery.

May 6, 2014 - 1 year after surgery

NEVER would I have dreamed I would post a picture of my backside!  But darn it, I'm rather proud!  And being a choir director - that IS the side the audience always gets to see - so I am glad I have made it a nicer sight to look at!  LOL

Do I have further to go - absolutely.  If I can make it work in my future, I would LOVE to have plastic surgery done to remove the excess skin from my tummy.  That "might" get covered by insurance.  I would also love to do a breast lift - they simply are NOT what they used to be!  LOL - and that too I may be able to get covered because of back/shoulder pain due to the weight.  In my dream world I would get rid of my "bat wings", otherwise known as the arm flab that hangs down on my upper arms.  And I would love a thigh lift from all the sagging skin there.  Those two, however, are almost never covered by insurance - so they are a pipe dream!  But a girl can dream.

In the mean time - I go to the gym and work on toning and firming and trying to tighten up as much of it as I can that way.

As I look at the pictures above - I cry.  I am proud of what I have accomplished in the last 19 months.  I am proud that I have never stopped working toward my goal and never given up on myself.  I have bad days, I don't eat what I am supposed to eat all the time - I sometimes eat things I shouldn't eat.  But I don't punish myself for those days.  I move forward and start fresh each day telling myself I can do this and it is worth it.

I LOVE the new outer me.  I am PROUD of the new outer me.  I am THRILLED that the outer me now matches more closely the inner me.

I have loved the last year and can't wait for the next year to see what I can accomplish with this wonderful tool I received a year ago.

Milestones, Milestones

So, last Thursday, March 27, 2014 is one of my favorite days.  Why?!  Well, by 11:30 that morning I had made THREE major milestones.

Milestone #1:
I made it to what the weight loss community calls "onederland" - in otherwords - I no longer weigh over 200 pounds.  My scale that morning said 199.8.  Yes, barely onederland, but onederland all the same.

This was my 2nd post surgery goal, so I am thrilled.  I am moving on to my 3rd post surgery goal which is to be "overweight" instead of obese - that means getting to 187 pounds.  So, I have updated my marble jars so that I can "see" my next goal.  And as of this morning - I was 197.8 so life is good!


Milestone #2:
I bought my first pair of pants with NO W after the number.  In other words, normal old pants, not plus sized or women's sized pants.

At first I was a little bummed by the number, but hey, it's progress.  Why was I bugged?  Well, my jeans that fit right now are a 14W.  I tried on some capris in a 14W and they were too big.  So I asked the clerk - NOW WHAT?  Luckily, Dress Barn is a double sided store - meaning it has "normal" sized clothes and plus sized clothes.

The clerk said, "Well, we get a 16 from the other side."  My first reaction was ...16?!  But then I realized - well, the cut is different,e tc, etc.

And, the 16 fit.  It is snug, not tight, on the thighs and hips, but gapping at the waist.  I guess I am now resigned to wearing belts all the time because I am a hippy and thighy (nice, made up word) person.  And to fit my lovely hips, thighs, and extra skin on my lower tummy, the waist is going to be to large.  So, belts it is!


Milestone #3:
I bought a shirt in a size MEDIUM.  Holy shit, medium.  My mind has been blown lately anyway realizing that my shirts are now a size Large.  That is just unfathomable to me.  But to need to buy a MEDIUM?  I almost started crying right there in the store.

It was kind of funny.  I saw the shirt on the wall and thought it was cute, I grabbed a large.  When I put it on and was looking in the mirror, it just was wrong.  I decided it was the shirt just didn't look good on me.  Well, about 5 minutes later it occurred to me that what I hadn't liked is how it hung on my sides.  So, I decided to take a change and grabbed a medium.  I figured it was a silly thing to do, but what the heck.

I was blown away when it fit.


Since Thursday, life just keeps making me happy.  I was telling my mother-in-law how hard it is for me to look in the mirror because I still see the 327 pound fat girl when I look.  I know in my head I am not that person any more, but since I have changed gradually and I have been seeing myself the whole time - I seriously do not see the difference unless I compare pictures.

My MIL's response, "Well you need to see it because it's there."  or something to that extent.  Her point being - I'm not the 327 pound girl any more and I need to see that when I look in the mirror.

THEN, my daughter wanted to go in to Vanity to try on some clothes.  I am still looking for some jean capris for this spring so I thought - what the heck, why not try?

OMG - they fit me - and not even the largest size in the store!  The problem - evidently people who shop at Vanity like to have their pants nearly showing their butt and have to pull them up all the time.  LOL
I could NOT buy them - they were just way too low cut for me...I'm an old lady, now some young one, I like the higher riding pants, please.

But the real point - I could shop in the SAME STORE as my 14 year old daughter.  Again, mind blown.

So life is going pretty darn well as I approach my 11 months since surgery date.  I would LOVE, LOVE, LOVE it if I could be to goal #3 (187 pounds) and not be obese any longer when I go for my 1 year post surgery appointment in May.  THAT would make my day.  So, I have a little over a month to get there and 10.8 pounds to lose.

10 Month Surgiversary

This past Friday marked 10 months since my Gastric Bypass (RNY) surgery.

They have been 10 amazing months.  Amazing for many reasons:  good and bad.

I'll start with the bad - because I don't want to dwell on them.

• still, 10 months out, I don't always know what food will sit well and what food will make me sick.  It's kind of a "crap shoot".  The unfortunate part is that one day a food can be great and the next time I eat it, it makes me sick.  I would worry, but the support sites I belong to on-line have shown me that I am not alone in this.
• Food apathy.  NEVER would I have guessed that I would go from being a food addict to being food apathetic.  But seriously - much of the time I have to remind myself to eat.  And when I am hungry, nothing ever sounds good.  I used to get excited about going out to eat - I still enjoy going out but the eating part, I really could not care less.  Eating has become something I MUST do, something my body needs, so I do it...but food no longer is something I look forward to.  
• Because of the food apathy I have learned that I need to find something that works, something I like to eat, and eat it all the time.  yes, I tend to eat the same thing every single day.  BORING.  But, it stays down, I stay feeling good.
• Protein - who knew it would be so difficult to get all the protein in that I am supposed to have each day.  Especially when nothing ever sounds good.  My dietitian really stresses and pushes EATING the protein, not using protein bars or protein shakes.  Well - if I don't do a protein shake, I simply do not get enough protein in.  
• Carbs - OMG - I still crave carbs and that stinks.  Yes, although I am food apathetic, there is still that urge to munch at times.  I work really hard to not munch and mindlessly eat.  But when I do allow a snack or munch - my body says "give me carbs" - bad, bad bad.  This did not really start until December and since then I am trying really hard to break the carb cycle and get them OUT.
• Stalls - Losing weight the first few months was easy..,.it seemed to just melt off.  It is MUCH slower now...MUCH.  But it is still slowly coming off.  I need to remember it is coming off much more than it was a year ago.  So - I keep plugging away.

Honestly - I put these in the "bad" category - but they really are not bad.  They are a bother, a pain, an obstacle, but really are not problems or complications.  I have been truly fortunate.  I had ZERO complications from my surgery.  I have had no complications from the surgery over the last 10 months.  As far as the surgery goes - I have been a dream.  The "bad" things are more of me adjusting to the new life I have.

So, on to the good:

• Health - wow...when I really think about this, it amazes me.  Before surgery I had high blood pressure, gastric reflux, sleep apnea, joint pain, and holy heck stairs were hell on me.  Since surgery...Blood Pressure meds gone since 1 week after surgery, reflux meds gone 1 month after surgery.  Sleep Apnea - I had to stop using the machine toward the end of summer because it actually made me hurt.  In January I finally had a new sleep study and it shows that I no longer need the CPap machine.  Joints - other than periodic pains from exercising and such - they are virtually gone.  Stairs - well, I actually choose to take them sometimes when I have the option of stairs vs. elevator.  Why not!
• Stairs - just a side note.  Last week our surgery support group met and our speaker was an orthopedic surgeon.  He was talking about obesity and the joints, mostly knees.  He told us a figure that I had not heard before...He said when we go up stairs - we are putting 5 times our body weigh on our knees, going down stairs it is 7 times.  So - I have lost 125 pounds, that means when I go down stairs I am putting 875 fewer pounds of weight/pressure on my knees with each step.  875 pounds.  That is completely unreal to me.  I looked at the doctor and said, "NO WONDER stairs were hell!"
• Self Image - this may sound petty but I feel so much better about myself.  I look in the mirror and I am finally able to see that I have lost 125 pounds.  It has taken me most of these 10 months to get to this point.  For most of the last 10 months I looked in the mirror and still saw the 327 pound fat girl.  I still struggle with this, but I am FINALLY seeing the new me (at least a little) when I look in the mirror.  INfact, I have kind of become a mirror aholic!  LOL  I actually enjoy looking in the mirror now.
• Exercise - I can't say I enjoy it necessarily, but I don't hate it and THAT is progress.  I feel guilty when I do not get to the gym.  I am learning to push myself and strive to do more/be better each time I am there.
• Will Power - I finally have some of this when it comes to food and sweets.  I have learned to take a bit or two of a dessert instead of 1-2 pieces of dessert.  I can eat a few bites of Mike's dessert and be satisfied.  There have been 4 boxes of Girl Scout cookies in my house for a few weeks - they seriously do not even tempt me.  THAT is unreal to me.  The food apathy helps in that way - so even though I listed it as a bad - I try to see the good parts of it and use it to help me.
• Energy - People have always said I have lots of energy.  Often that was because I made sure to have that energy when I was in public - privately I could have none.  Well now - it's not something I have to try to do, something I have to think about - I just seriously have more energy all the time.  Infact, I feel old, I am waking up earlier and going to bed earlier - that's what OLD people do.  I wake up sometimes at 3:00am and have to read or soemthing for an hour before I can go back to sleep.  And when I wake up in the morning I don't feel horrible, I can still get up!
• Horizontal Stripes - this is odd, for my whole life I have completely stayed away from clothing with horizontal stripes - they accentuate your width - and I wanted to hide my width.  Now - they are my favorite thing to wear.  I have many shirts with black and white horizontal stripes, some with other colors, but most of them are black and white. (don't worry, they are all different!)  But I love the way I look in them now.  It accentuates my smaller waist.  They show off that I have a figure, I have curves...and the curves are in the right places!!

Way back last May I had my pre-op appointment with the surgeon and the PA.  At that meeting the PA set a 1 year goal for me - the weight he wanted me to achieve by May 7, 2014.  I am thrilled to say that at the 10 month point, I am only 2 pounds away from that doctor set goal.  MY goal, however is 15 pounds away.  The doctor set my goal to be a BMI of 30.  Which is down 22 from where I started with a BMI of 52.  As much as that thrills me....a BMI of 30 is still considered obese.  I have not come this far to still be obese.

So, I set my goal to be overweight.  It's kind of funny when you say to someone, "The goal I am striving for is to finally be overweight!"  It makes people look at you a little oddly.  But I started with such a high BMI and was morbidly obese.  At least now I am simply obese, no more morbidly before it.  But that just is not good enough for me.  I want to at least be overweight!  And I know that if I keep working at this and doing what I need to do - I can achieve that goal.  And then, if I really, really work hard - I can maybe...MAYBE get to "normal".  But I have decided that I have to agree to be happy with getting to overweight and maintaining that.  Sure, I might be able to push really hard and get to "normal" but would I be able to maintain that?  I do NOT want to get down and then start re-gaining the weight - that can just be a train wreck.

I need to keep things real, I need to remember where I came from and all that I have achieved in the past 10 months.  I was given a gift... a tool to use to help me finally find the Molly that was hidden inside, "theinnerskinnyme"!  She was really in there and I am finding her.  Doing this surgery and adjusting to my new lifestyle has been FAR from easy and will remain FAR from easy for the rest of my life.  But I would not change it for the world.  Other than picking my amazing husband, deciding to have this surgery is the best decision I have ever made for myself.  I am thankful every single day for the tool I have to help me do this. 

I am excited to see what the next 10 months bring!

Numbers...numbers...numbers

I have said it a bazillion times...."numbers are NOT important"  "numbers do NOT define me"

That said, I was playing with numbers last night and was incredibly WOWED by what I figured out.

15 months ago I started my journey at a weight of 327 pounds

My BMI was 52

The doctor says that to be "normal" on the BMI charts I should be 155 pound

That means my EXCESS weight was 172 pounds


That overwhelmed me.  Now granted - he did NOT say that I needed to get to that 155 pounds, he was just telling me what my excess weight was according to the charts.

RNY surgery, the one I had, averages 65% of excess weight lost.  Now I think that is a 1-2 year average - like when you "level off" and maintain a weight.   So that would put me at losing 114 pounds total and having my ending weight be 213.


Well guess what - I have BEAT that.  Yes, I am currently at 210 pounds I have lost 117 pounds and I am 8 months out from surgery.

Last night I figured it out - that is 68% of my excess weight.

OMG - I have BEAT the average and I am 8 months out from surgery and not done losing weight.  OMG, OMG, OMG.

This made me do a happy dance last night.

More numbers....


                                                  Starting                                  Now                           Next Goal
Weight                                         327                                       210                              199
BMI                                            52                                          33.7                             31.6
Shirt Size                                    3X to 4X                                 L
Pant Size                                     28W or 30 W                         14W
Bra Size                                       44 DD                                    38 DDD (yes, larger cup to cram em in)
Underwear Size                          13                                            10


These are simply amazing to me.

I say "next goal" because, as I posted in an earlier entry, I need smaller, attainable goals or I get frustrated and give up.  I mean seriously - if the doctor had said, "Lose 117 pounds."  I would have given up.  That was SO out of reach, so overwhelming, I would have freaked.

But the doctor set my goal as 10 pounds a month.  Now THAT is doable.  I use my surgery, my TOOL, to help me.  And I use my new healthier life style to assist my tool.  Better food choices, exercise...a healthier me.

My doctor set my "goal weight" at 200 pounds.  But I have two big problems with that.
1)  It starts with a 2!   I want to start with a 1!  Thus my next goal of 199 pounds, NOT 200.
2)  That still has me with a BMI of 31.8 which is "obese"

I REALLY want to no longer be classified as obese.  I was morbidly obese, or worse, to start.  I think like Obese Class 3.  I am now Obese Class 1.  And at 200, even 199, I am still obese.  So 199 is the next goal.

THEN, I will set a new goal.  And that goal is to get to "overweight" instead of obese.  To do that I have to have a BMI of 29.9 or lower.    THAT is 188 pounds.

To after I reach 199 pounds - my next goal will be 11 short pounds away at 188.

Might sound silly to be striving to be overweight!  But seriously, I would LOVE to be overweight.  I have not been overweight since high school.  I know that in college I weighed 200 pounds.  (I really do not know why I know that, but I remember being 200 pounds in college.)

Here are my goals for myself - both achieved and future:

Goal #1 - lose 10% of my starting weight before surgery.........accomplished!
Goal #2 - to survive the first weeks after surgery (they are tough)......accomplished!
Goal #3 - to lose 100 pounds........................accomplished 10/26/2013
Goal #4 - to weigh 199.................in progress, 11 pounds to go
Goal #5 - to be "overweight" instead of "obese" - weigh 188 pounds.............future
Goal #6 - To weigh 175 (because I need small goals and that would be 13 pounds)............future
Goal #7 - to weigh 160 pounds.................set this to be accomplished by May 7, 2015 (2 yrs from surgery)
Goal #8 - IF I can get there - to weigh 155 and be "normal"................TBD

If you had told me a year ago that I would have lost 68% of my excess body weight - I would have laughed in your face.  That is a BIG number and I would never have believed it was possible.  But I have, I am there.  It makes all my other goals seem reachable, like something I CAN accomplish with a lot of hard work.

I was reminded today of how some people say surgery is taking the "easy way out" - This journey has been anything but easy.  It started as a daily struggle to curb my old habits and to learn new ones...new healthier eating habits.  AND to stick to them even though my stomach was still huge and told me I was starving every day.  Then the surgery itself - ha, that is most certainly not easy.  Just google RNY surgery and look at the pictures of what they do.  NOT easy.  For the last 8 months now, navigating eating with my new pouch (stomach).  Some days it will have nothing to do with any food or it will make me sick.  Other days it wants food constantly.  NOT easy trying to maintain a steady diet.

Numbers.....numbers.....numbers.  They may only be a number, but our lives are ruled by them.  I have decided to not let numbers control my feelings about myself, but that does not mean that I do not strive for a different number.

Ultimately - I do not strive for that number BECAUSE of the number.  I strive for that number because it means I have made a change in my life that has made me a much healthier person.  I strive for that number because it means being the healthiest I can be.  Health is the goal....NOT a number.  (But those darn numbers are still there and how we measure our progress!)