Power of Working together.

I haven't blogged in awhile, but my facebook memories had a blog post show up and I went back to read it and it made me cry.  It was about  a young girl who died WAY too early.

And now, Jacob Wetterling is all over the news again, 27 years later, and the family finally getting closure.  Not the closure anyone would have hoped for, but at least answers.  As I read the news report of his killer recounting the events of that October evening, I cried.  I cannot imagine the pain the Wetterling family had while sitting there listening to him coldly tell of his actions.

Then I realize that today is the anniversary of the death of the young girl who died 4 years ago.  So, I went back and re-read my blog post from September 6, 2012.  I am going to share that post with you again, because every single word rings true still today.  With the politics of our country right now, no matter which persuasion you may be, I think my post works again.  When will we learn?  When will we start being what we want to see?

So, here is my post from 4 years ago - And Jane - you will never be forgotten.

Thursday, September 6, 2012

Life is too short.

Today, the world lost a little girl FAR before her time.  In my hometown of Wadena, Minnesota, Jane Fiemeyer passed away this afternoon.

Jane, also known as the Princess Warrior, was diagnosed with Leukemia in August of 2011.  She battled hard and today she lost that battle just one day after leaving the hospital to go home and prepare for the end of her short life.  Jane was 8 years old.

So what does this horrible, horrible even have to do with The Inner Skinny Me?  I never met Jane, I haven't lived there in 10 years, she wasn't even born when we moved away.  But this little girl has had a powerful effect on me in just the past 4 short days.  Until Monday, I knew nothing about Jane.  I had seen some posts from some facebook friends about a Princess Warrior, but I truly didn't know what was up.  It didn't spark my radar until Monday.

Monday the family posted on Jane's Caringbridge site that the doctors had informed them that they had done everything they could and it was time to prepare for the worst.  They gave her from days to possibly months.  Little did we know it would be 4 short days.

Jane's mom, Jil Lorentz Fiemeyer, started a social media campaign to grant her little Princess her last wish.  The family had never contacted Make a Wish Foundation because they were waiting for remission so she could enjoy her wish.  Unfortunately, the news came so quickly, now there wasn't time to contact them and get her wish granted in time.

In comes the power of social media.  It started as a facebook plea and spread to twitter where it took off.  The hashtag #btrmeetjane spread like wild fire.  Jane's wish was to meet the Nickelodeon Boy Band from Minnesota, Big Time Rush.  By Tuesday there was a tweet from one of the band member's brothers saying a little bird had told him she should expect a message the next day.  Wednesday they discovered that BTR had made a video for Jane and were going to Skype with her on Thursday afternoon.  What they didn't know at the time was that BTR and the Make a Wish Foundation was working to surprise her with a visit in person next Monday at her house.

Jane saw the video they made for her, and it made her happy.  However, Jane died hours before her Skype session was to happen.

The power of social media.  Wow - in less than 3 days strangers from all over the country joined together to make this little girl's wish come true.  Hundreds of people (maybe thousands for all I know) banded together for a positive cause.  People of all races, religions, sexual orientation, political beliefs - just people!  None of the things that cause divisiveness mattered, they were fighting for a common cause, they were treating people kindly and working together to get something done.

Wouldn't it be wonderful if we behaved that way every day?!  Not just in cases of tragedy, but every single day.  What would this country, or better yet world, be like if we attacked everyday life like that.  Not being selfish, not doing what WE want, but doing what should be done.

As a society we tend to be very isolated, we take care of our own.  We help those in tragic situations across the world, but we often forget those right next door.  Maybe their situation isn't "as bad" as others, but they need help.  We look at the world through our own lenses and tend to pass judgement on others.  We don't take the time to try to look at it from their perspective, or to walk in their shoes.  It's hard - we don't want to face the fact that we often neglect and condemn those around us for being different or not having the same ideologies as we have, we can't relate.  Since it's "hard" and we don't want to have those hard conversations and make some hard realizations, we ignore it and expect it to take care of itself.

In a case like Jane - it's not hard.  Everyone, regardless of their backgrounds can empathize with the idea of losing a child, sister, friend.  The idea of an 8 year old not living to see age 9 sends chills up everyone's spine.  And I truly find that pulling together, that working as a team awesome and wonderful.

Imagine what we could do in our own communities, neighborhoods if we pulled together like that for those "hard" situations that we don't want to deal with.  Can you imagine the world we would live in and the effect it could have on your lives?  If we put aside our judgements of others just because they have a different belief system than our own.  If we valued EVERY person regardless of their religion, sexual orientation, political beliefs, racial background, or financial status.  If we treated EVERY person equally and believed that we ALL deserve to be treated the same.

So I put that to you all who are reading my posts...can YOU work on yourself to stop judging others by your own standards and start accepting them for theirs?  It isn't easy, it may be down right difficult, but if we can do that and raise our children to do that...imagine the world we would leave for our grandchildren and their grandchildren.  A world where we all work together and accept EVERYONE for exactly who they are.

Be the person who does the right thing even when it's difficult. Be the person who stands up for the people who no one stands up for.  Be the person who fights for the rights of ALL people.  Help make our world a place our grandchildren and their grandchildren can say truly valued EVERY person.

And, hug your children, your family, your friends.  Be sure to tell the people in your life what they mean to you.  Life is fragile and we never know when someone will be taken from us.

In Memory of the Princess Warrior, Jane Fiemeyer.  May you fly with the Angels and Rest in Peace.

THREE YEARS

So - I was asked today by a friend if a 3rd year anniversary was blog worthy.  Hmmm - let me think about that.  Yeah, probably...if said blogger was actually keeping their blog up.  :-)

So all day I was thinking about what to say, how to say it.  Then, I came to the computer tonight to blog and found that I hadn't published the post I wrote in October.  Weird.  But decided that was a sign of what to write about.  AND THEN, I saw a friend and fellow music teacher and their post about what happened to them today - yep, another sign.

Relationships with students:  That's what I blogged about in October but forgot to post.  That's what this fellow music teacher posted about.  That's what my day was about as well.  So, must be what I'm supposed to talk about.

My facebook status this morning at 8:30 was about the fact that 3 years ago at that exact time I was , headed into a surgery that would change my life forever.  My gastric bypass was May 7, 2013 - 3 years ago today.  Wow - hard to believe it was only 3 years ago.  But yet hard to believe it was JUST 3 years ago.  In some ways it feels like a life time ago and at other times it feels like it was recent.  (which may be because I've had a few surgeries in the past 3 years.  LOL)

As I was posting my status this morning, I was sitting on a school bus taking students to State Large Group Music Contest. I was surrounded by teenagers that I see every day.  A couple of them knew I'd had surgery, but they didn't know me 3 years ago...none of them did.  So none of them knew what I looked like then.  Most of them didn't realize I haven't always been this size.  One of them looked over my shoulder and saw the 2 pictures I was posting.  (one of the students actually took the "now" picture during a voice lesson recently when she stole my phone)

The students who were around me, after one seeing the pictures, all had to see.  They were shocked.  they didn't believe picture #1 was actually me.  Here is picture #1.  This picture was taken spring of 2011.


The students didn't believe that was me.  Here is what they see every day.  This picture was taken by a high school student recently.


Then for a minute or so, some other students took a look as well.

What does this have to do with relationships?  Why did those other things give me a "sign" about what to say?

I'm embarrassed about what I looked like "before" - I'm ashamed.  I don't like what I looked like.  I used to be super embarrassed to see pictures of myself - there are not a lot of pictures of me from then.  I was behind the camera, not in front of it.  There are not a lot of pics of me with my kids or with Mike from the "before" years because I didn't want to be in them.  There aren't a lot of pics of me with them now either - but only because I'm the picture taker in the house and have to give them the camera if I want to be in any.  They are so used to me taking pictures, they don't think of doing it themselves!

Back to relationships - I'm embarrassed by what I used to look like.  But you know what - it wasn't hard to show that picture to the students around me because, I knew I was "safe" - I knew that they wouldn't make fun of it - not even behind my back.  How did I know this?  Because I know the kids and have built a relationship with them.  I knew in my heart that even though I'm embarrassed by what I looked like, the students weren't going to think poorly of me or make fun of the old me.  And believe me, I've had students make fun of me for being fat.  I know how that feels too.

But I've worked to build a relationship with the students, to know that I'm there for them.  That I'll listen, that I care.  They know that I trust them I mean, they take my phone and take my picture and I don't freak out.

Honestly, I started this year extremely nervous.  I was going to be working at the HS with the 7-12 vocal students in small groups for voice lessons.  My last experience with students at the same HS was 2 years ago.  I was a substitute for 3 days.  The 3rd day I had a "horrible" experience with some students (it was only some - most of the students were awesome, so this is NOT a commentary on my school in ANY way!).  Anyway, I had a bad experience with some students and decided I would not sub there any more.  I was not given an opportunity to build a relationship with those students at that time, there are numerous reasons why, but that's not important.

So I was terrified to start working with these students - ALL of the 9-12 choir students had been in the classes I subbed for those 3 days.  And the 11th and 12th graders were present for the "horrible" experience that prompted me to leave.  So the idea of going back and working with those students knowing that they had been there, terrified me.

It was all for nothing.  My experience has been nothing but positive.  I have loved every minute of it.  I have gotten to know some absolutely fabulous kids.  Not as well as I wished since I literally get to teach them about 15 minutes a week.  It has taken me most of the year to be confident about names of the students since I see them so little and have 400 other students I see daily and whose names are in my brain.

But still somehow, I have managed to build a relationship with most of these kids.  They matter to me.  And on some level I truly believe I actually matter to them.  They notice when I'm gone, they "lecture" me about me being gone and how they didn't like that and they wanted me to be there.  That's a good feeling as a teacher.  That lets me know that somehow, in some way, I'm doing something right.

I'm a FIRM believer that as a teacher I teach STUDENTS not curriculum.  The student and their well being is so much more important that the curriculum.  If there isn't some relationship built between you - they don't learn.  They go through the steps, they do what they are told, but the real learning doesn't happen.  Knowing the kids and their backgrounds and their history makes such a difference when you are a teacher.  It allows you to teach the student, not the work.  My friend's post on facebook was about him seeing a fellow teacher at his contest in Minnesota today and his fellow teacher was carrying around a baby.  That baby was the child of one of this teacher's students.  The student had contacted the teacher saying she had no child care so she would not be able to attend contest.  The teacher could have said, fine, stay home.  But he didn't, he said, bring the baby.  Without saying the words, he told that student...and every other student in his group .... that she mattered to the group, she was important and just because she was a teen mom didn't change that.

My friend said that this teacher thought to himself that he needed to remove all the barriers to this kid's learning.  That's why he said to bring along the baby.  It would have been more convenient to leave the girl and her baby behind.  But it wouldn't have been better for the girl.  This teacher told her that she mattered. He showed her, and all his students, that he cares about ALL students, regardless of their circumstances.

Powerful.  Because that is SO what I strive for.  I want all of my students to know that I care about them and want to be their teacher - and their circumstances don't change that in any way.  But I can't do that if I don't KNOW their circumstances.  This teacher could have thought this girl was just making excuses, but he knew her, he had a relationship with her to know that she wasn't doing that.  She was being respectful and telling him she couldn't attend.  She could have just not shown up.  That relationship is why she contacted him - she respected him and wanted him to know she wouldn't be there.  I bet she was shocked when he told her to bring the baby - but notice, she trusted him and did it.

Back to me and my 3rd year anniversary.  I'm NOT proud of what I used to look like.  I'm not proud of being that over weight.  But I AM proud of what I have accomplished.  And you know what, those students today who saw my pictures - they were proud of me too - at least that's my interpretation.  There wasn't laughter, there wasn't smirking - there was true astonishment.  I've seen the laughter and smirking with others before who have seen the "before" - I know what that looks like.  That wasn't there.  And I have to believe it's because we have built that relationship.

I'm fortunate, I get to work with amazing kids every day, I get to share their lives and I get to watch them and their accomplishments and I get to cheer them on and praise them.  I see their struggles and I get to be there to ask if they are okay, do they need help.  I'm so, so lucky to do what I do every day.

So, in a roundabout way, this was about my 3rd anniversary.  My self-confidence is SO MUCH more since my surgery.  When you aren't ashamed of what you look like, it allows you to be more open. 5 years ago, I wouldn't have shared a picture of myself with students, I would make sure they did NOT see it.  But what does that really teach a child?  That if they are over weight, they have something about their looks they don't like....that they should be ashamed of themselves?  By not trusting myself enough to be that open in the past - I have sent the message that I wasn't "enough".

These 3 years have taught me - I AM enough, for exactly who I am, whatever I look like.  And THAT is the message I want kids to get from me.  That no matter what they look like, what they weigh, what their personal circumstances are - they are "enough" and they are wonderful.  I don't want any student of mine to think that I don't think they are "enough".  Every child deserves to think they are "enough" and not feel badly about themselves and think they need to be better.

That doesn't mean that we can't encourage them to achieve more or higher.  But we should never give them the message that they are lacking or not worthy for some reason.  Until I believed that about myself, I don't know that I was truly able to give that unspoken message to my students.  How could I if I didn't believe it about myself?!

These last 3 years and the journey I have been on has taught me so much about myself.  These last 3 years have made me a better mother and teacher because I now love myself enough that it's easy for me to say to Maggie and Matthew and my students that they are wonderful JUST THE WAY THEY ARE and they are worthy of being valued.  I've always said it - but kids are smart.  If they see that you don't like yourself  (and yes, they are smart enough to see that and feel that) - then they aren't going to believe you when you tell them they should like themselves.  They're thinking in their heads - yeah right, she doesn't like herself, but she tells me to like myself.  Ha.

So these 3 years have taught me as a mother and teacher that you can't preach it if you don't practice it.  I've always known that, and probably said it - but now I believe it and "get" it.  Those relationships I build with my students, they mean the world to me.  I have former students who are now parents and I still have a relationship with them - I now call them friends.  That is amazing.

Maggie, Matthew, any former or current students who read this - YOU ARE ENOUGH, you matter, you are perfect just the way you are.  Don't ever let anyone (including yourself) tell you differently.  You are amazing!

Building a relationship

Side Note - I wrote this October 9, 2015 and forgot to post it.  So I'm posting it now

I teach music.  I teach voice lessons.  That means, kids get to meet with me 1 on 1 or in small groups and we work on the music they are singing in choir.

For some the idea of singing all by themselves is absolutely terrifying.  Today I had  a student for voice lessons who is quiet and for this student, the idea of singing for me all alone freaked her out.

Now, this student is not one that I had at Roundy last year, so I am new to her.  And let's face it, I'm loud, talk extremely fast and can be overwhelming if you don't know me.

My elementary students know me.  I'm a nut.  I dance, I sing crazy, I talk with silly accents.  By they time I ask them to sing for me, they don't usually even think twice about it.

So, I was totally thrown off when this student was NOT going to sing for me because her lesson mates didn't show up and she was NOT going to sing all by herself.

It took a bit of cajoling on my part and promising that I won't even look at her to get her to sing.  I also goofed around with her a bit about the fact that her mom isn't quiet, neither is her grandma (to which she said, definitely not quiet!).  And she added in that her dad isn't quiet either.  LOL

I said maybe that's why she is quiet, they do all the talking.  But then said, well that theory is blown cuz I'm not quiet and neither is my husband and NEITHER are my kids.  We are all loud.

I "think" that put her more at ease because she did actually end up singing for me.  I sang the whole time as well and I played the piano and looked at my music only periodically glancing up to at least see that her mouth was moving.

Honestly - I could hear her at times and I was working on getting her comfortable with me looking at her.  So I just glanced up once in awhile so she would see that yes, I was paying attention, but I was still singing and playing and really not watching her - just looking every once in awhile.

But all of this made me think about how important the relationship is that we build with our students.  For a student to learn then need to feel safe and like they can trust the adult teaching them.

I do breakfast duty every single day at school.  I am always carrying around either a water bottle full of hot chocolate, protein shake or water.  I often sit down with the kids and chat.  Many, many people do not like having to do lunch room duty.  I'm not sure what the huge difference is between breakfast and lunch in there - but I know people try to only do lunch duty one year at a time and get to something else the next year if possible.  I don't feel like that at breakfast.  I absolutely love my breakfast duty.  In fact, when my principal started discussing the duties we would need to have covered I immediately asked if I could PLEASE have breakfast duty again this year.  No one argued, it's mine.

So, why do I love breakfast duty so much?  Because I get to spend time with the students NOT when I am expected to be getting curriculum taught to them.  That's the hard part about being a "specials" teacher.  I see the kids 35 minutes at a shot every 2 or 3 days.  I don't have any down time, or in between time in which to be able to get to know the kids individually.  Classroom teachers get that opportunity, they are able to really get to know their class of students and I envy that!

So, this allows me the chance to work on that kind of "down time" relationship.  To get to know the kids outside of the music classroom.  What makes them tick, what do they like, why do they do this, etc.

I don't stress about the kids talking while eating - or the loudness in the room.  Honestly, I don't even notice how loud or quiet it is.  I'm too focused on the kids and how they are doing.  Others may think I am crazy and that it's super loud - but I honestly have never noticed it being overly loud.  Not saying it doesn't happen, just that I haven't noticed it.

I learn about the birthdays happening that day, see the unique "gifts" students bring for the classroom teacher and are SO proud of.  (Yesterday's "gift" - hilarious.  A couple of students brought painted apples for their teachers, like an entire ice cream bucket full of them.  Upon looking in their bucket I decided I would NOT be offended if they didn't offer me an apple.

At lunch, the 2 teachers these girls have were talking about the apples they received.  Discussing the colors they were painted and how theirs were different from each others.  I looked at them and said, "They are real apples, you know."

They did NOT know.  They thought they were little wooden or plastic apples the kids painted.  IT never even occurred to them that the students had painted REAL apples.  About 3 hours later I get an email from one of the teachers.  All it says is "Yep.....They're real!!!!!!!!!!!!  LOL"   In fact, it wasn't even a full fledged email - that was the subject of the email and there was no body to it.

Now remember, this is a couple of hours later and I'm now in the high school doing voice lessons and I have totally forgotten about the lunch conversation and the fact that I suggested they go back and check on the apples to see if they are wood or real.  Yep, totally forgot about all of this.

So when I got the email "Yep, they're real" - my mind was not on apples.  My brain went elsewhere.  So I had to reply with "What are real?!?!?"

She replies, "apples  LOL"  At that point I nearly fall over I'm laughing so hard reading my email.

My point in all of this - I actually had the opportunity to build a realtionship wit the students during my daily breakfast duty so that I knew about these apples and knew they were real.

I work really, really hard in the mornings to be a positive, smiling face and voice when the kids are at breakfast.  I want them to feel welcomed and appreciated and safe.