To my students, past, present and future...

Have you seen the e-card that goes around on facebook that says,

 "I wish I was as fat as when I first thought I was fat!"

I have seen that many times and each time it rings so true.  Our self-images can be so skewed.  Helped along with our society's view on weight.

I'm not sure if I have told you this before or not, but in high school I was called "Moose" by a boy who was in the grade ahead of me.  Ironically, or maybe not so ironic, he was heavy as well.

Tonight I was looking through pictures for Maggie.  She needed a picture of my grandfather.  I found the picture she needed, but as I was doing so, I found my HS scrapbooks.  I called Maggie in to see some of the picture of when I was a freshman like she is now.

We were looking at some of the pictures and I realized - I may have been heavy, but I certainly wasn't obese then.  Where did that boy get off making fun of me and calling me names?!

I'm sure he does not realize what that did to me - what effect that had on me.  One would hope it would have the effect of making you want to lose weight to "show him" how wrong he was.  Unfortunately, I turned to food for comfort and ...well... got larger.

I remember a friend said to me once, "You have such a pretty face, it's a shame you are so heavy."  Again, a male.  I am sure he has no memory of saying that to me - but I sure do...I can remember where we were standing.  I can see the image in my head very clearly.  Why?  Because to have a friend say that to me cut through my heart.

It truly is amazing the effect a few words can have on a person.  The LONG LASTING effect those words can have.  I'm almost 45 years old - those things were said to me when I was 16-19 years old.  I have never forgotten them - they have been a HUGE part of shaping my self-image.  Maybe if someone had been complimenting me on how I looked it would have off set it?!  And yes, my family did - but family doesn't count!  They have to be nice to you!  LOL

Maggie was looking at my prom pictures from 10th grade.  I remember that dress was size 13.  Seriously - size 13 and they were calling me names for my weight.

Yes, I realize it wasn't a size 0, I was not a person with the "ideal" body.  But was it really necessary to make me feel horrible about myself - so horrible I wanted to never be in school.  I HATED school.  Not the classes - all the rest of it.

It's why I became a teacher - the way kids treat each other.

I don't think I'm an especially great actress - I don't hide it well when I am upset or sad or depressed.  Can I fake it and act happy - yes, for the short term, and when in a conversation with people.  But sitting in class, I was just "there" - pretty much going through the steps, waiting to go home.

Wouldn't it have been nice if just one teacher asked me if I was okay?  If one teacher noticed that I was detached?  If one teacher had showed me I mattered?

Luckily school was not difficult for me and my detached attitude during class did not affect my grades.  So I learned that getting good grades got the teacher's attention and they would acknowledge me for them.  But what I craved - what I NEEDED - was a teacher to notice ME.

Don't get me wrong - some of you reading this are former teachers of mine - I had great teachers.  I learned a lot and was prepared for college and the world.  But I didn't feel cared for as a person, just as a student in class.

Like I said, it's why I became a teacher.  I have always said, "If I can help ONE person through the hell we call high school, I will feel like I have been a success in my career."

I am fortunate - I have had former students tell me that I DID have an impact on them and I did make a difference to them.  And for that, I am forever thrilled.

If my students past, present and future read this - I hope they think of me as someone who did care about them more than just a student in my chairs in my classroom.

Many times I have pulled a student aside or talked to a student before school or after school.  What have I said to them?  "Are you okay?"  Yes, I asked them if they are okay because I noticed that they were not their "normal" self and I was concerned and wanted them to know that I noticed, I cared, and I was there to help them if I could.

I have contacted parents when I see a student that way for a few days.  Why?  Because as a parent, I would want to know if a teacher was noticing that my child was not their "normal" self for more than a day or so.  I want to know if someone is noticing my child is struggling with something.

As a teacher, I want the parents to know that I am there for their children.  I see their children as a whole person, not just a kid in the seats in my room.  I want the parent to know that I am with them if they are working to help their child and that I will do anything I can to help.

Boy it would have made a difference in my life in high school if someone had noticed what was going on with me.  I was desperate for friends, desperate to be noticed.  I spent SO MANY hours trying to get "in" with the popular crowd.  They were never going to accept me - hell, at our 20 year reunion, they would barely even say "Hi" to me.

But what a difference it would have made if a teacher had taken the time to talk to me and ask me if I was okay.  To ask me if I needed anything.  Taken the time to SEE me.  I felt invisible.

Someone might read this and say that I am wanting teachers to cross that line and be the friends of the students.  NO, that is not what I am advocating at all.  A teacher is a person of authority and just like a parent, we need to be teacher first - not their friend.

You can "be there" for your students without crossing that line.  No students call me by my first name and think they can be my friend.  No students want to hang out with me.

BUT, students know that if they need to talk, they need help - I am there for them.  When I was teaching in Wapello I had my "happy place" which was the entry way of the school in the mornings.  I was there before the kids came in for the day and I stayed there until the tardy bell rang.  Why?  Because I got to interact with the students and get to know them outside of the classroom setting.  Was I their friend?  Did I cross the line?  No way.  But did I talk with the kids, ask them how things were going, remember important details about them and their lives and ask about them...Absolutely.  I built up a rapport with them so they knew I was there for them.

I had students come in crying and come and get a hug and sit for a bit - just needing someone to be there.  OK - I can do that.  Would I follow up with them - you bet your ass I did.  The next day I was sure to talk to them and ask if things were better, how had they made it better, how could they help fix it for the future.  My goal was to help them see that things do get better, there is hope - and a lot of the time, you can do things to help yourself for the future.

Yesterday I had 2 girls come up to me as I was walking out of the building where I was subbing.  I had subbed for them the week before.  They told me how they missed me and wished I was still their sub.  (It was a long-term job that I stopped early due to some issues.)  These girls told me how they wished I was still there and they missed me and tried to convince me that I need to come back and be their sub.  Funny thing - you certainly can't say I crossed any line or got to friendly - they didn't even remember my name!

That conversation made my day...heck, who am I kidding, they made my month!  Evidently in the two days they had me, they figured out who I was.  They felt comfortable enough to talk to me when they had only seen me for a total of like 90 minutes.  I came home yesterday knowing that I may not have been in their lives for long - but I had at least some impact on them.

This all stems back to that darn e-card I started with in this entry.  As a teenager (even before that) I thought I was fat.  It was reinforced by classmates/fellow students who felt justified in making fun of me, belittling me and making me feel awful about myself.  And when I think of that I remember high school and how all I wanted to do was be out of there and away from those people who did that to me.  I did not feel safe and protected by my teachers.  I did not feel like my teachers were "there for me" and cared or even noticed what I was going through.

So to my students - past, present and future - I hope you all know that I am there for you, I care and I will do what I can to help you through whatever you are going through.  I can be a shoulder, a sounding board, whatever you need.  But mostly know - that I DO notice when you are struggling, I do care and I WILL ask you about it.  You may think I'm just a dumb adult when I ask you if you are okay - but that's okay with me.  As a dumb adult, I feel a responsibility to make you feel important, worthy and acknowledged - not just when you are being an awesome student, but when you are struggling and you need support.  Or when you are just a little "off" and think you are hiding it from the world.  I notice you on your "off" days and I care.  I WILL ask you if you are okay.  I WILL call your parents if I see you having several "off" days - Why - because I care about you.  Please know - you matter, you are awesome, and no one should be allowed to make you feel differently!