Day 1 of the rest of my life: today

10/11/12 = Day 1 of the rest of my life!

I had my first appointment with the bariatric department today.  My wonderfully supportive husband came along.  I can't tell you how lucky I am to have him in my life.  He was there, he was asking questions, he was encouraging me...he is in this with me and will be there every step of the way.

So here we go - this first step is hard for me.  But to be honest with myself and to truly "put it out there," it is something I need to do for myself.

Day 1 - 327 pounds, BMI 52

Mike and I on our Anniversary

At the Arch in St. Louis

These pictures are the most recent ones I have of myself, June 2012.  They accurately show me at my present weight/size.

So today's process was interesting, encouraging, and very informative.

8:00am:  I arrive at the Center for Digestive Diseases.  Mike and I joke with each other that I have no trouble digesting food - that's the problem!  LOL

8:10am:  As I stepped off the scale today and said, "ick" the nurse said, "You will never see that number again, today is day 1 of the rest of your life."   That was a very encouraging way to look at this and really started my day off on the right foot.

8:20am:  I meet with the Nurse Specialist, Bariatric Surgery Coordinator.  She goes through the packet I received with us.  She is in charge of the education part of the program.  She explains that I will have a series of 6 appointments to meet the requirements of the pre-authorization for the insurance company.  I meet with the dietitian each of those 6 times.  The first, fourth and sixth appointments I will also meet with the whole bariatric team (her, the PA for the department and my surgeon who is the head of the department).  On the 6th visit (in March) I also do the psychiatric evaluation that is required by the insurance company.  NO - not to make sure I'm not insane, we know I lost m marbles years ago!  LOL.  But to make sure I understand the risks, life-long commitment, and the reason I am doing this.

9:00am:  I meet with the PA for the bariatric surgery department.  He goes through the whole medical side of the procedure.

Picture of the Gastric Bypass procedure.

They go in laproscopically, so no huge incision, but 6 small cuts that are "super glued" and band-aided over.

They cut the top portion of the stomach off.  The resulting pouch is the size of 1/2 an egg.  Yes, tiny.  Then they go down about 74 centimeters and gut the small intestines.  They then take the lower portion of the small intestines and attach it to the newly created pouch.  Then they re-attach the top part of the small intestines further down, closer to where the small intestines joins the large intestines.

THIS made both Mike and I happy.  We thought the stomach and that portion of the small intestines were just "hanging" there unconnected.  We didn't realize where that small intestine section looks like it is touching the other section, they are actually connected.  That made us feel much better.

Why do they do this - at some point on that section of small intestine there is a connection to the pancreas and liver (I believe) and those enzymes are what digest and break down the food.  And your stomach will still be making acid and such and they use all of that to digest the food, just lower down closer to the large intestines.

9:30 am:  Mike and I and the other two new gastric bypass patients head to the education portion of the day.  Here we watch a power point about the procedure and the specifics.  We learn that we stay 2 nights in the hospital and take 1-2 weeks off of work.  They would prefer 1 month off work, but go with 1-2 weeks.  And NO lifting over 10# for 1 month.

Here is where I learn what kind of weight loss to expect.  The statistics for gastric bypass is that you will lose 2/3 of your "excess" weight.   What does that mean?

I currently weigh 327 pounds.  I am 5'6.5" and my "ideal" weight is 140 pounds.  That means my "excess" weight is 187 pounds.  66% of that 187 pounds is 123 pounds.  So I should expect to finally settle with my weight down approximately 123 pounds - that would put me at 204 pounds in the end.  No, not at my "ideal" weight - but a whole lot lighter than I am now!!!!

Things I can also expect to have change post-surgery:
 - sleep apnea:  I could very likely get rid of my sleep machine!
 - blood pressure:  I will most likely end up off my blood pressure meds
 - stress incontinence:  I might not wet my pants when I sneeze, cough, jump.  This won't clear as much, but it should get a lot better!!

10:30am:  The dietitian comes in and gives us our new "bible" for eating.  I am now on a 1400 calorie diet until surgery.

I have met with a dietitian before, it was pathetic.  I remember her telling me that if I am having pasta, no white sauce, only red sauce.  I explained that I don't like red sauce and I'm not supposed to have acidic foods like that and she said, "Oh, you are going to have a hard time then."  Seriously - and this person was supposed to help me?

The dietitian today, amazing.  She talked us through, very specifically, how to figure out your food and what to and not to eat.  She gave us a booklet that has every food in it.  We can look up in the directory in the back to find a food and then find out what to "count" if you eat it.

She gave us a food record sheet that has this cool "bubble sheet" at the top.  So not only do we write down everything we eat and drink, we "bubble" in the appropriate areas (grain/carbs, meat, milk, veggies  fruits, fats, water).  What a great way to SEE what you have eaten and what you have left to eat.  A visual that will really help me stay on track.

This is where I learned all my new NO foods.
 - sweets, ice cream, candy, anything delicious!  LOL
 - carbonated beverages - NONE
 - Alcohol - NONE
 - Acidic beverages - NONE
 - juice - NONE

AHHHHHHHHHH - however, the rationalization made sense.  In my new "pouch" there are no gastric juices to neutralize acidic foods or beverages and so that would set up my pouch and possible ulcers.  AND, with that part of the intestine bypassed, take a sweet or juice and that pure sugar would hit my system hard and cause diarrhea and vomiting.  Yuck.  And alcohol - ha - nothing to process the alcohol so straight to the blood.  Yikes.  I'm already an easy drunk - can you imagine this?!?!  NOPE.

I have to start now, learning to not drink anything while I eat.  I need to stop drinking 30 minutes before I eat and not drink anything for at least 30 minutes after I eat.  WHY?  Because when we drink while we eat, our receptors don't get the "full" feeling they should get while you eat.  And that causes over eating.  So, even if not having surgery, what a great way to help your body get that full feeling.  Do not drink anything before or after or during eating.  Can do.

Chewing food - who knew, I now have to chew all my food to mush.  Yes, 28 times before swallowing.  Why?  There are not gastric juices in your pouch to start digesting the food, so whatever goes into your pouch is what is going to pass into your intestines.  The size of the route from pouch into intestine is the size of a pencil.  If you don't chew your food to mush, you can have blockages and cause real problems.  So, chew, chew, chew.  And let me tell you, if you have never tried to chew EVERY bite you put into your mouth 28 times.... it is really, really hard.  You are fighting the urge to swallow all the time!  Oh, and it's hard to not drink with a meal too.  This is going to be tough.

My new snack?  8 oz of skim milk.  Yep, all day long you are to be drinking water, at least 48 ounces throughout the day.  But 3 times a day (mid morning, mid afternoon, before bed) you need to drink an 8 oz glass of milk.  Why?  The protein.

The new rule to live by will be 50 grams of protein/50 grams of carbs.  And you make sure you get all that protein first - that is the most important.  Add in the 48 ounces of water and 30 minutes a day of exercise.

12:15pm:  I meet with the surgeon who will do my surgery.  We go over all that I've learned today and make sure I understand everything.  At this point he stresses again the importance of stopping the pop, juice and one thing I forgot, no more ibuprofen for the rest of my life.  I cannot have ibuprofen for the rest of my life - issues with stomach and ulcers.  So, Tylenol products only.

Also talked about the vitamin supplements I will need to take post surgery for the rest of my life.

Discussed when the surgery would then happen.  I told the doctor that if I had my way, the surgery would have been last week!  But that I also have obligations with my job.  Basically, once I have completed the 6 month program the surgeon and I can determine the date and go from there.  What am I thinking now - the end part of May.

12:45pm:  Mike and I leave the hospital and head to my "last supper" at Red Lobster!


So - the results of today.  I am still excited and energized and ready to do this.

I am thrilled that as I go into this 6 month process, Mike is joining me on the journey.  I told him that he can't drink pop either or I might go crazy trying to steal his!  :-)

But mostly, he is going to do the 1400 calorie diet with me and do the exercising with me as well.  He is going to be my partner in this 100%.  He is so supportive, I am so fortunate.

My new life started today.  I am excited, I am ready and I can't wait.  I have been given the goal of trying to lose 30 pounds pre-surgery.  But no pressure and no judging if it doesn't happen, the important part is I follow the plan and try.

My plan is to post updates on the progress as we go.  Here we go...............

Expectations

Expectations...can be lived up to, can be lived down to, can be set too low,  can be set too high...what ever way they really affect our students and children.  What we expect from our students and children affect who they are and will become.

Often times I talk about being grateful for being a teacher before being a parent.  I could see all the things people did well or poorly and then know what I would and would not do as a parent.  That would make me perfect right?  HA - not even close.  Nice thought though!

So, examples I have seen:

Expectations set too low

The student is smart, but has a lot of energy.  Parents tell you that there is nothing to do about this student, they are naughty and they are trouble and tell you this right in front of the child.

Kids are more observant than we give them credit for being.  When kids hear, over and over, that they are naughty or they are trouble, they believe it.  They live "down" to the expectations that have been expressed.  They know they are getting attention for their behaviors and they live right down to that expectation.

Kids want attention and they will take it any way they can get it.  If they feel the only way they will get attention is by acting out, then they will take that angry attention just so they get attention.

Kids want to please their parents/teachers.  When they think you expect something from them, they try to achieve what they perceive you expect.  We, as adults, need to set expectations we WANT them to achieve.  If we continuously acknowledge the bad behavior, they think that is what is expected and do it more.

Living Down to Expectations

That is what happens when we set our expectations too low.  Like I said, kids want to please, they want to do what they think you expect.

Some people think that if we set our expectations low, it will encourage success.  Actually, I believe it does exactly the opposite.

Since I teach music, I am going to use an example from directing a choir.  You want the kids to have success singing so you pick a song  that they can easily sing without even trying.  They could basically sight read it and do well.

Kids may appear to want things that they can do without any effort, but the truth is, if it's that easy, it bores them.  If we consistently set too low of expectations, they get so used to not even trying that when we try to raise the bar a little, they give up because they have to try.

Living down to expectations is a huge problem.  We need to believe in kids and not set our expectations to low.

Expectations Set too High

"I know they are capable of much more."  Have you said that about your students or your own children?  I know I have.  We see what they are doing, we are disappointed and our reaction is to set the expectation much higher because we "know" they are capable of much more.

Oops - the problem is, we usually do this in response to students or children doing poorly.  We are frustrated and we want them too realize that they can do better so we set a super high bar.

Well, just like kids shut down when an expectation is set too low and they are bored, kids shut down when an expectation is set too high.  They view it as totally unattainable and shut down because they "know" they can't do it.

We know that they can do it, but the way to prove that is NOT to set the goal that high right off the bat.

The parent expects their child to be perfect, never talk, never miss problems on a test, never do anything out of line.  This child snaps under pressure because... wait for it... they are human and they make mistakes.  What kid doesn't talk too much at times?  What kid doesn't forget the rule about no running in the hallway when they are super excited about something?  Kids are human.

Just yesterday my husband made a comment that was really quite accurate.  As adults, if we forget a form or we forget a deadline, we make arrangements to get it done.  But as teachers we don't give that opportunity to our students.  If they are late with an assignment, they are late.  We don't allow them to make arrangements with us, we just say 'NO' it was due and you missed it.

Now I realize that we need to instill the responsibility of deadlines, time management, etc in our students.  But what about those kids who genuinely forgot something, they have never done that before, this is a first.  We tend to take the attitude of "they'll learn not to do that again."  What?  They will never make a mistake again?  They are human for goodness sake.  We all make mistakes, we all forget something, we are all human.

What if we quit setting that darn bar so high?  What if we allow kids to make mistakes and not always reach that really, really high bar?

Living UP to Expectations

I am a firm believer that kids can and want to and will achieve a very high level if we set the expectations at an appropriately high level.

We need to set expectations a little above their current level.  As a parent or a teacher, we know what the students are able to achieve.  If we know they can do 20 addition problems in 1 minute, you set their goal at 22 problems.  They are going to have to work a little harder, but it is achievable.  If you keep it at 20, they don't have to push any harder.  If we set it at 25, they get overwhelmed, that's another 25%...yikes, too hard, I can never do that.  So they panic and they do worse than they did before.  But, you set it at 22...it's a little harder, just 2 more, you just have to speed up a little bit, not a lot.  This keeps them from being complacent and it forces them to give just a little more.

Every child does not need to have the same goal, do they?  Do we expect every child to be the quarterback of the football team?  Do we expect every child to be the top scorer in basketball?  Do we expect every child to be a Rhodes Scholar?  Absolutely not.  But then why do we expect every child to do a certain number of addition problems in so many minutes?  Some people take longer to process information.  What if instead of saying they have to do 100 problems in 7 minutes, we give them 5 minutes and record how many they CAN do in that time.  Then, individually set new goals for the next time they do it.  Set it at an achievable level for each individual student.  If they could only do 12 in that 5 minutes.  A realistic goal is probably 13.  If they can get 95 done in that 5 minutes, a realistic goal is to finish all 100.  And what if they finish before the 5 minutes is up?  Well you write down what their finish time was and their goal is then 5-10 seconds faster.

Every child deserves to have personal goals for their achievements, both academic and behavioral. Expecting every child to achieve at the same level at the same pace is unrealistic.

Education has moved to Standards and Benchmarks.  What a child WILL be able to do at each grade level.  It doesn't tell us how we have to get there, but it tells us where they need to be at the completion of each school year in each area.

But we are still trying to teach the same way we have always taught.  Everybody does the same chapter at the same time and if you fail, you fail, the class moves on.   But the idea behind the Common Core and standards is that there is a certain level that we need to get all children to.  It is our responsibility to help get the students to that level.  That means that we can't just say oh well when they fail and move on anyway.  We need to work on individualized goals and expectations.  When we do this, we help each kid achieve THEIR best.  The higher student can keep going and do more and achieve more.  The lower student works to raise their achievements at their pace.  They don't give up as easily because they are able to see an attainable goal rather than one that seems so hard they know they can't reach it so they don't even try.

I make it sound so easy, but I know that it is not that easy.  But I have seen it in action and seen it work.  My daughter had a teacher in 1st grade who had this philosophy in his classroom.  He was amazing with the kids.  He helped each child in his classroom achieve THEIR highest.  That was different for each child.  What did that do for his students?  The higher kids weren't held down waiting for others.  The middle kids actually achieved a little more because they were allowed to keep going.  The lower kids achieved a lot more than they would have if they were being expected to keep pace with the rest of the class or fail.  They maybe didn't get as far in the curriculum as they would have if they were forced to keep pace - but when you are forced to keep pace and then fail at it all, are you really achieving much?

What about behavior expectations?  Yes, we expect all kids to behave in a certain manner, but we need to realize that for some of our students/children, it is going to be a slower process to get them to the level we wish for in their behavior.

Even for those difficult students/children, we need to express expectations that are positive and achievable.  And we need to acknowledge them when they achieve an expectation.  Kids want and need recognition for doing well.  The more we positively recognize them for doing the positive, the sooner it becomes ingrained in them.  The more we recognize the negative behaviors, we are reinforcing that behavior - they crave attention, they'll take it anyway they can get it.  We need to make it so that we are recognizing them for the positive behaviors and ignoring the negative ones.

Extremely hard to do, I know.  I struggle with it with my more difficult students.  How do I ignore a problem behavior when it is distracting the entire class?  How do I reinforce positive behaviors?  I work daily trying different ways, but still find myself struggling at times and falling into old habits of acknowledging the problem behavior.

Today I tried the totally positive way of saying "Is that what being responsible looks like?  Are you showing me responsible?"  Wow - it worked.  So rather than expecting them to be bad, I expected them to know what responsible should look like because I had taught it to them already.  So my expectation was clear, it was attainable and guess what - they did it!

So when you set expectations:  Don't set them so low that it bores them, don't set them too high that you make it unattainable ...set it just above where they are, allow them to reach it and grow but feel good about themselves while they are doing it.

Where are your expectations?

Getting Nervous

"Don't let it break you.  No matter how hard things get, life goes on."

A few weeks ago a friend posted this on her facebook page.  I'm thinking of it this week.  Thursday I have my first appointment with the obesity surgery  doctor.  My understanding is that this appointment will determine if I am a candidate or not.

So I am getting nervous.  What will they say to me?  Will I "pass" muster?  Will I be selected for surgery or will I fail again?  Ahhhh..... scary.

I set a goal for myself before this appointment, give up my pop.  I have purchased no pop since I posted it a couple of weeks ago.  I have allowed myself to keep drinking the pop I had purchased already.  So I currently have 14 left and then it's done.  I have been slowly weening myself from my habit.  I am working on drinking lots more water as well.  It's been easier than I thought, actually.  Today I was craving water...me, craving water.  Weird.

Then I start thinking about the whole surgery thing itself.  And I start having questions:

 - how long will I be in the hospital when I have surgery?

 - how long is the recovery time?

 - will I be able to do this surgery during the school year or need to wait until summer time?
       
         part of me wants to wait until summer yet another part of me is anxious to do this and quit waiting around.  Then I say to myself, I've spent this many years over weight, what is a few more months. And then the other side of me says I HAVE spent so many years over weight, I don't want to wait any longer, let's do this thing and do it now.

 - will I have side effects from the surgery?

          several years ago I knew someone who had the surgery and she was in and out of the hospital   for like 3 months, she got very sick.  But in the long run she would still have done the surgery all over, even knowing the complications.  And then I've talked to others who have had the surgery and they have had no complications and are completely satisfied with the procedure.

 - will I finally feel full?

           I think one of the hardest parts for me of going on a diet and trying to lose weight is feeling         hungry all the time.  I never seem to feel full.  I know that through the years I have stretched my     stomach.  This is going to cut off a small pouch and reattach it to the intestines - my stomach will        be a pouch now, not a large organ.

 - what will people think of me for doing this?

            I have spent most of my life feeling self conscious about my weight and how people treat           me/talk to me/talk about me for my weight.  I have heard every single name for fat.  And        surprisingly, it still hurts.  I act like I have thick skin, like nothing bugs me but the truth is I have very thin skin.  I am very sensitive to how people treat me and say about me.

            Are people going to think I'm a failure for doing this?  Other people can lose weight and           succeed, why can't I?  Will they think I'm just copping out and taking the "easy way" out? (this is FAR from easy, by the way)

 - what if I don't lose as much weight as I would hope?

             I don't know what to expect, that's a question I will ask the doctor on Thursday.  But I know that              for once in my life, I would like to not be stared at for being fat.  I would like to not be considered the "fat girl."

 - Stupid question - will I feel like I'm not the fat girl any more?

             I call my blog the Inner Skinny Me - why?  I joke all the time that I feel 25 years old, how can I             possibly be turning 44?!?!  I have never let my weight stop me.  I am always on the go, I don't use my weight as an excuse and I do what I want to do.  (No, I don't do as much as I SHOULD do, but I do whatever I want to do.)  I think I have always imagined myself thinner because it hurts so badly when people make fun of me or put down fat people.  It doesn't even have to be me that people are talking rudely about, when I hear people putting down fat people, I get irrate.  NOTHING bothers me more.  If I get thinner, will I still feel like the fat girl?

 - will people look at me differently because I did this?

              Will people judge me?  I think this goes to the what will people think of me for doing this               question.

 - will I be able to maintain this?

                Probably one of my biggest questions/fears.  Will I fail again and put the weight back on               after going through all of this?  I am scared to death that I will fail.  That I will do this, go through everything and then a few years down the road, start over eating and stretch out my pouch and ruin everything I have done.  I have promised myself that I will not do this, that I will be strong, and will stay the course for the rest of my life.  But I still get scared that I will fail yet again.

Thursday is coming fast and I have NO IDEA what to expect from this first appointment.  All I really know is that I have to be there by 8 am and that I was told it is a 5-6 hour evaluation and I meet with a dietitian as well as the surgeon.  Mike is coming along with me to be a second set of ears and another brain.  He can think of questions I may not think of.  He may hear things that I miss.  I am SO glad to have a husband who supports me 100% and is there for me.  We will both miss an entire day of work for this appointment but it doesn't bother him at all - he is will do miss work and be there for me.  That means the world to me.

So, I'm a little on edge these days.  I have butterflies in my stomach and keep thinking of more questions.  The procedure itself doesn't scare me.  I am READY to let the inner skinny me out for the world to see.

It Takes a Village

There is an African proverb that says, "It takes a village to raise a child."  That is the the origin of the title of a book written by First Lady Hillary Clinton in 1996.

The idea is that children are influenced by more than just their immediate family, they are influenced by everyone they see every day.

Children  are impressionable, children learn what they see and what they hear.  Everyone in the community has a responsibility for raising the children in our community.  No, we don't directly care for them, we don't feed them, put them to bed, etc - but the members of the community play a very important role in the lives of our children.

Parents have the largest influence on their children and whether or not the kids will drink, smoke, do drugs, have sex, etc.

The experts say that the more time parents spend talking with their children, the less risk there is of their children making the poor choices.

We take that responsibility very seriously in our house, but we do it in a humorous way.  Our kids are old enough now that they both know about drugs, alcohol, sex, etc.  So daily we talk to our kids about their days.  We ask them what was going on at school, what happened in their lives, anything happen that was not fun?  At the end of our talking here is a typical discussion:

Mike:  Have we talked long enough?
Maggie:  Yes
Mike:  Are you going to drink?
Maggie:  No
Mike:  Are you going to do drugs?
Maggie:  No
Mike:  Are you going to smoke?
Maggie:  No
Mike:  Are you going to have sex?
Maggie:  Sometime.
Mike:  Okay, sit down, we haven't talked enough!
Maggie:  Daaad.

She used to say, No, gross.  But as she has gotten older she switched to the sometime answer.  She did it simply to get dad's goat.  Perfect!

We have the largest role in this for our children, but I know that what my kids see and hear from others plays a role as well.  It makes them question what we are saying when they see other students doing questionable things and the adults in their lives allowing it to happen.

Being a parent is tough.  Making hard decision, standing by them and being strong...not always easy, but what we have to do to raise responsible, independent, reliable children.

So, I was thinking about my own childhood and the adults other than my parents who were a part of my life.

There were, of course, my 2nd parents.  Oh wait, I had a couple sets of 2nd parents.  These people were parents of my closest friends and my parents' friends.  I spent many, many hours at their houses and those adults disciplined me like I was their own child.  I knew they were going to hold me responsible for my actions and my behavior.

I can remember very clearly being disciplined by my 2nd mom, Benda.  Darcy and I had been fighting over something, that I cannot recall.  But I got mad and I threw her piggy bank or something against her dresser and broke it.  Oooo... I remember Benda being VERY mad at me.  I had just as much "fear" of her as I had of my own parents.  I knew that I couldn't get away with things just because she wasn't my mom.

I remember going to my dad's store and the adults that worked there.  These 2 women and 1 man playes a large role in my life.  They knew what was going on in my life, they asked me about my life, they cared and I wanted to please them.

Then there were the "old people" in our neighborhood.  We had 2 sets of neighbors whose children were grown.  They were like grandparents in many ways.  There were (in my little girl language) Mr. and Mr. Jennings (sorry Carolyn, I always said Mr. and Mr.) and then there was Mr. and Mrs. Rising.  Jennings lived in the 2 story yellow house next door.  I LOVED to go over and watch Mr. Jennings working on his lawn, Mrs. Jennings cooking.  I just loved to be over there.  Mr. and Mrs. Rising lived 2 doors down in the blue house.  I can remember playing hide and seek in their house in the basement with other kids from the neighborhood.

These "old" people in our neighborhood knew my parents, but they weren't people they socialized with on a regular basis.  They socialized with my parents because of us children!  We were what got my parents and these "older" people together.

SCARY...Mike and I are now the "older" people in the neighborhood.  For the last 2 weekends we have been the old people doing fun things for the little people in our neighborhood!  Last weekend our 5 year old neighbor girl had a birthday party.  She invited all of us to her party.  But what she REALLY wanted was for us to have a bon fire for her party.  All she could talk about all week was...we have fire, right?  I get fire for my birthday, right?  Is it time for fire?  What fun.

So last Saturday night found us on our back patio with the neighbor girl and two of her little friends.  In addition, the parents of the 2 other little girls.  We had s'mores and sat around the fire enjoying the nice fall evening.

This week at school the mom of one of those other little girls told me that her daughter had asked if we were coming to HER birthday party (which is tomorrow) and if SHE got a fire too.

So guess what we did tonight?  We had a fire for this other little girl's birthday!  She and her family came, as did her grandma and grandpa.  We had s'more and hot chocolate and sat around enjoying the fire and the chilly night.

Now, we are not old like Mr. and Mrs. Jennings or Rising - our kids are still in school and living at home.  But to the little girl tonight - we are old...her grandma is one of my friends.  So to her, we are old like grandma!  :-)

That's okay with me - I don't mind being the old lady who makes s'mores for the neighbor kids.

Mike has been working on the landscaping of our yard this summer.  Recently some neighbor kids have been paying very close attention to what Mike is doing.  These kids must be home schooled because we don't know who they are.  We know where they live, down the street, but we don't know them.

These kids will do anything to be part of helping Mike with the landscaping.  They spread the mulch on our recent corner project.  It was done super quick with the help of these 2 kids.  Mike is being a part of their lives, talking with them, asking about their day, and they are loving being around him.

We have always lived in small towns.  We feel that whole "village" philosophy is easier to find in a smaller community.  I know that my friends who live in cities tell me that they find that feeling in neighborhoods in the cities.  But we really prefer small town living.

The last 2 weekends have reminded me even more how much of a responsibility we adults have in our communities.  These 2 little girls have reminded me that they are watching what we do with their little brains that are sponges.

I know my own kids watch adults and what they do and don't do and question us about it.  They watch what people do and say and then ask us why or why not.  They are watching and wondering how it applies to their lives.  I know my kids are doing this so I know other kids are watching as well.  My kids aren't special, they are normal.  Kids watch we adults, they learn from us, they model what they see.

We have a responsibility to be people we would want our children to be modeling.  We need to realize that little eyes are watching us all the time, even when we don't realize we are being observed.

"It takes a village to raise a child."  The last 2 weekends have driven that home to me.  It is fun being part of a village and I take that responsibility seriously, do you?

Is Your Reflection worth Seeing

"Wouldn't it be interesting if you could SEE someone's INTERNAL flaws as quickly as some humans judge the perceived EXTERNAL flaws! See, to do that, you actually have to get to KNOW people before making a judgement. That requires work; work that some people may not have any interest in performing."

The above quote is from a friend of mine.  This was her comment on a link I shared on facebook last night.  Very powerful to me.  People are soooo quick to judge a book by it's cover.  People judge others by what they see rather than getting to know people.  And when we do that, we sell ourselves short.  We all have our external (and internal) flaws.  No one wants to be judged by them, they are just that, flaws.  But flaws do NOT define who we are.  

By now most of us have heard about, or seen for ourselves, the video of the Wisconsin news anchor and her live call out of a cyber bully.  Just in case you have not, here is the video.  It's 4:21 long, and worth every second watching.

Things in this video that strike a note with me (there are many).

1)  The man says, "Certainly you don't consider yourself a suitable example for this community's young people, girls in particular."

     Are you kidding me?  First off, when I look at this woman, I don't see obese.  I don't see fat.  I see a woman who is beautiful.  No, she doesn't wear a size 2.  And since when does SIZE matter about being an example for young people.  Isn't being an example about WHO we are, our actions?

     I myself am considered "morbidly obese" in the medical community.  Does that mean I can't be a good example for our children?  I think I am a fabulous example to our kids...I like myself for who I am, not what I look like.  One of the biggest things we need to teach our children is to like themselves, to love who they are on the inside.  To feel worthy of loving and being loved.

    To say someone isn't a suitable example because of their weight is ridiculous on SO MANY levels.

2)  "Obesity is one of the worst choices a person can make and one of the most dangerous habits to maintain."

     Is this man for real?  He has obviously never had any issues with weight or he would never be able to say something like this.  Believe me, I did not CHOOSE to be obese.  I would do almost anything to be a different size.  I have spent so many years hating myself because I am obese.  Feeling like I am unloveable because I am obese.  Why in the world would I CHOOSE to be obese so I can be ridiculed, bullied, harrassed, ostracized, excluded, condemned.  That doesn't even make sense.

     Dangerous habit to maintain?  Right....I am trying to maintain my obesity.  I do everything I can to stay fat.  OMG, this man has no clue.

3)  She said that yes, she is overweight, even could say fat, and yes, on a doctor's chart maybe even obese.  But then she says, "To the person who wrote that letter, do you think I don't know that?"

     This is when I started crying while I watched her video.  I say this every single year to my students when I am talking about the expectation that in my classroom you will not just show respect for the teacher, but you will show respect for your classmates and probably most importantly you will show respect for feelings.  I explain that it doesn't matter if you are 43 years old like me or 7 (or whatever age they are) like you...being made fun of hurts.  I always say that even now, I hear people say things about me and my weight and call me fat... like I don't know that?  Yes, I have a mirror, I look in it every morning and yes, I can see that I weigh more than I want to.  I am not blind, I know that I am fat.  But the outside is NOT what matters, it is what is inside that counts and I like who I am on the inside.

4)  She says to him that "you know nothing about me but what you see on the outside and I am much  more than a number on a scale."

     Wow, powerful words.  And she delivers it straight to camera, excellent.  A number on a scale is just that, a number.  Who we are on the inside, what makes us who we are, what makes us special - that all can't be seen.

     But SO many people judge others by the outside, but what they see without bothering to go further.  For example.  Something that has always bothered me, and really is no big deal, but it still bothers me.  I am a singer, I love to sing.  I have a mezzo-soprano voice.  In many, many musicals or shows I have the voice to sing the lead.  But because of my weight, I get the character roles, the old ladies, the favorite aunt, etc.  I can't be the leading lady because I'm fat.  Seriously?  Evidently to be beautiful and sing the lead, you have to be skinny.
   
     HOnestly, the time in my life for singing those leads is LONG over.  But it always hurt knowing that I could sing as awesome as possible and still never land the role.

5)  This woman has my complete admiration.  She turns something that could have been completely devastating into a fabulous teachable moment.  And the man's timing couldn't have been better with October being national anti-bullying month.

6)  Cyber bullying - scary stuff.  She tells us that kids are getting emails like this and worse.
 
     Kids can be totally demoralized by this kind of bullying.  Cyber bullies are even harsher and meaner than face-to-face bullies because of the assumed anonymity.  These cyber bullies feel a separation from their action because they are typing, they aren't saying mean things, they aren't hitting, they are just sending an email, how can that be bullying?

     It is our job to teach these kids that they are JUST as accountable for cyber bullying as they are for face-to-face bullying.

     As she says, she doesn't know this man, his words mean nothing.  But she also says, she knows better.  Kids do not.  Kids don't realize that a cyber bullies words should mean nothing to them.  Kids have a way of taking everything said to them to heart.  Kids believe bullies, live or cyber.  Kids are not emotionally mature enough to brush off cyber bullying.  Kids need us to protect them.

7)  "This behavior is learned.  It is passed down by people like the man who wrote this email."

    She goes on to say if you are talking about that "fat newslady" and your kids hear you - they are going to go to school talking about that "fat newslady".  You are teaching them that it is okay to talk about another person that way.

8) "We need to teach our kids to be kind, not critical.  And we need to do that by example."

     AMEN.  I said in a blog the other night how kids see and hear what adults do and then learn from that.  If they see us treating others with disrespect, then they will treat others with disrespect.  If they hear us putting down someone for their looks, they will put others down for their looks.

     Kids are perceptive.  It doesn't work to tell them to do as I say, not as I do.  As a matter of fact, kids learn MORE from watching us than from listening to us.  The model what they see.  WE need to lead by example and be sure that what we do and what we say is worth being modeled.

9)   "To all of the children out there who feel lost.  Who are struggling with your weight, with the color of your skin, your sexual preference, your disability, even the acne on your face. Do not let your self worth be defined by bullies."

     What a powerful statement, and so very, very true.

I told you there were many things from that video that struck a note with me!

I found myself crying through this 4 minute video because I was so able to relate to this woman because of my own encounters with bullies.

THEN I kept crying because all I could think of was all the kids I see every day who I know are getting picked on and I want to be able to stop it.  I want to be able to protect them.  I want to be able to wrap them in my arms and tell them that bullies don't matter, bullies are just mean.

But I can't protect the world.  I can't save all the kids.  Oh, but I wish I could.

I became a teacher because school was a horrible place for me.  I was bullied constantly through jr and sr high.  My safe place was music.  I was accepted for who I was, for my singing talent, for my piano and saxophone abilities.  I didn't have to be skinny, I didn't have to be gorgeous, I had other talents.  But outside of my safe zone, school was hell.

I have always said "I became a teacher to help kids through the hell we call high school.  If I can help just ONE student make it through, I will feel like I have done my job."

This woman's 3 daughters have an amazing mother who will raise them to love themselves for who they are inside.  Kudos to her and her strength to stand up to this bully.  And Kudos to her for bringing it to the public and sharing with us the need for stopping these bullies, for holding them accountable for their actions.

I sit in my happy place every day, the entryway to the school.  It is my way of making sure that kids know they are valued and cared for and there are adults who care and are there for them.  I have kids ask me, "Mrs. Peterson, why are you sitting here every single day?"

Because it makes me happy to be around you!  That is my answer to every kid who asks.  And it's true every time I say it.  It doesn't matter who the kid is, it makes me happy to be around them and to share their lives with them.  And I want them to know, whoever they are, whatever they look like, whatever their struggle is....they don't need to feel lost, I am there, others are there.  WE CARE and YOU MATTER.

Help stop bullying, be an example and live your life in a way you would want to be modeled.  Remember, how your children act reflects on you.  Do you want that reflection to be negative?  Do you want that reflection to be bullying?  Make that reflection one you and others can be proud of.  Make that reflection one of acceptance, tolerance and kindness.  Make that reflection one of respect.

Everyone needs a "we"

There is the old saying, "There is no 'I' in 'Team'.  Meaning that when you are on a team it isn't about you, there isn't a hero, there isn't one person who stands out, it is a group of people working together to accomplish something.

Working together, what a concept.  A concept that people always harp on. 

Today I saw a new saying about 'I' vs. 'we' and I really liked it.  Here is the saying I saw:

                                When 'i' is replaced with 'we' even 'illness becomes wellness'.

Trying to do everything alone, feeling alone in the world is not a good feeling.  But what a great feeling to have people, to have friends, to have a companion.

Take the older person who is alone and gets a dog for companionship.  It turns an 'I' into a 'we' and often improves the health of the older person who had been alone.

People need companionship, people need a 'we.'  I know there have been studies done about the health of a person who is alone and a person who is a 'we' in some way.

And how many stories have we all heard about a person who loses their spouse to death and a short time later they succumb to death as well.  People will say that the living spouse simply couldn't live anymore without their partner.  When the we turned to an I, the wellness turned to illness.

Depression is an illness that affects many, many people.  It's nothing to be ashamed of, it just is.  But often people with depression issues also feel alone.  They feel alone in life, alone in their struggle, just plain, alone.

I have dealt with depression on and off in my life and I can tell you that a lot of it has come from a feeling of 'I",  a feeling of being alone, a feeling of loneliness.  I have been happily married for over 20 years now and been with Mike for almost 22 years.  And there is something to be said about the 'we' of marriage.  But there is also a lot to be said for friendships outside of marriage.  Many people need a 'we' outside of just their spouse.  They need friends. I am one of those people, I need people in my life in addition to my spouse and kids.  I need a 'we' outside of family.

So I turn this to kids, to students - the students who we see alone, separated from the group.  Watch recess time and watch the kids playing.  Inevitably you will find a few kids alone somewhere.  An 'I' surrounded by many 'we's' outside.

Kids are great at making it look like they want to be alone, like they enjoy solitude or they don't want to play with the other kids.  But, that's a great act.  The majority of those kids are aching inside, hoping beyond hope that someone will want them to be a 'we' with them.  They watch the groups playing and they envy that companionship, that friendship.  But admitting that would mean endless torture from the other students.

Bullying is a horrible thing.  I have such vivid memories of a bully throughout my HS years.  He was merciless and cruel.  He has no clue what he did to me.  He has no clue how I still, 25 years later, look back at high school and remember very little positive.

Bullies and bullying is a huge issue in our world, huge.  What can we do to help stop it, to stop people from purposely hurting other people.   We  need to empower students to stand up  to the bullies.  We  need kids to see that we, the adults, will help them stand up to the bullies.  They need to see that even when they feel alone, WE are with them, WE are there for them.

And we as adults need to let the bullies know that their behaviors will not be tolerated and will not be allowed.  Kids need to be able to trust the adults to be watching and to be willing to intervene, be willing to stand up for the bullied and against the bullies.  If  we, as adults are not willing to stand up against bullying, how can we expect children to do it.  Yes, it's scary.  Yes, it is difficult.  But if we can't be the adults and protect the bullied, how can we expect the victims to stand up for themselves.

One of the worst things I have heard of is an adult confronting the bully but using the victim when doing so.  Basically selling out the victim by saying, "Well [victim's name] said that you did such and such."  Or "[Victim's name] came to me complaining about you."

What that does is let the bully know that they "got" to the victim.  They win.  A bully wants to know they have power over their victims.  A bully gets satisfaction knowing they have hurt someone.  When adults "sell out" the victim, they may stop that singular instance of bullying, but they granted the bully more power than before over the victim.

We need to approach the bully from a bystander point of view.  "I saw..." or "I overheard..."  We cannot grant the bully more power.  We cannot aid the bully in their quest for power, we need to stop the power and protect the victim.

Kids make themselves sick daily due to bullying.  They don't want to come to school, they avoid recess or group settings.  When we grant them a 'we' instead of being an 'I' we grant them 'wellness' instead of 'illness.'

What can we do to stop bullying?  What can we do to help these kids?  WE can be their 'we'.  We can help them turn an 'I' into a 'we' and 'illness' into 'wellness.'

Kids need to feel like they belong, they need companionship.  They need safety.  They need a 'we' just like everyone else.

Paint your Canvas

"Every time you put something positive into the universe, the world changes.  Your kindness invites miracles to show up, not just in your world, but in the whole world.  ~Unknown

A friend had this on their facebook wall this evening, it spoke to me.

I think you have figured out by now that I am into the idea of being positive and how important positivity is.  All too often we underestimate just how huge an impact being positive can have.

So often we try to be positive when people are watching, or when we are around others and think they will notice.  But then sometimes when we are just hanging out and aren't aware people are listening, we get negative.

What we don't always realize is how huge an effect that negativity can have.  On the people around us and on the people who inadvertently hear the negative attitudes.

People say things, putting others down, saying negative things about body types, sexual orientation, political views, etc.

So imagine, a kid who is struggling with their sexuality, trying to come to terms with who they are inside and looking for the strength to tell others about who they are.  Looking for affirmation that it is okay to be you.  They kid is walking down the hall, the street, the aisle in a store...wherever.  They are walking along and they overhear two adults, whom they know and respect, condemning people for their sexual orientation.  Do you think that kid is now going to feel comfortable coming out?

Those adults weren't talking to this person, they weren't intending a negative effect on this kid, but that is what they would accomplish.

I read on another friend's facebook page tonight that she was discussing Minnesota's proposed marriage amendment that is on the ballot this November.  Her words, "Why can kids get it and adults can't?"  Someone replied that it was because "kids don't have complicated notions about tradition and "sanctity" and other B.S.  They understand the fundamentals:  kindness and fairness."

I think both of these people had it right.  Kids don't care about someone's sexuality, they care about the kind of person they are, period.

Now I am most certainly NOT saying kids are always kind, far from it.  But they learn it from the adults around them.  Not directly, necessarily, but certainly they learn it from the adults.  We teach hate, we teach intolerance, we teach discrimination.

Kids are very good "parrots" of what they see and hear.  Messages that we don't always intend to teach them get taught daily.  For example, we have an election coming up in a month.  Elementary schools across the country will have their own "elections" to teach students what democracy is, how the voting system works, etc.

These elections in elementary schools don't tell us who the KIDS wants or what the KIDS believe, they tell us what the kids are hearing at home from their parents and grandparents.  I have said for years that if you want to know what a parent thinks politically, just listen to their kids.  Adults don't always share their political beliefs with the world, they hold it very close.  But at home they discuss their beliefs, their thoughts.  Kids don't have the same restraints in sharing their "beliefs."  Kids easily spew what they "believe" to their friends.

We think kids don't listen, that kids don't pay attention...NOT TRUE.  Kids are listening and learning every moment.  They are learning to be negative, they are learning to spread hate and intolerance.

Little kids, they are truly fresh little canvases - ready to be painted with positivity and kindness.  But we often stain them with negativity and hate.  We have such a great opportunity to paint them with kindness, with positivity, with tolerance, with love...we have the power to put something positive into the world and invite miracles to show up.  And those miracles aren't limited to the immediate area, they spread.

The whole "pay it forward" notion takes on a greater meaning when you look at it this way.  If we "pay" these kids positivity and kindness, they in turn will "pay" their friends with the same currency.  And if we do it right and long enough, they will "pay" their children with that same positivity and kindness and tolerance.

The little miracles we create with our love are our key to a positive world.  We have the opportunity to make our world an amazing place, full of positive energy and daily miracles.  We can change the world, we can invite positivity into the world and thus invite miracles.

It is so important that we take our opportunity to paint the canvas of our youth with positivity, kindness, tolerance, love...to spread the miracles around our world and replace negativity and pain with positivity and joy.  Every single act of positive we put into the universe invites miracles and changes the world.  Paint your canvas to change our world in the way of positivity.