NOT a Choice

Way back in October when I first blogged I talked about how people/society feel that it is okay to treat people poorly because they are obese.

I talked about a friend who had shared with me an experience with her doctor at her annual exam.  A DOCTOR felt that he was free to say he wished he could take all "you fat girls" and put them on an island without food so they would lose weight, etc.

Seriously - if a doctor, who is educated and should know better, feels that he has the right to put people down and belittle them for being obese....no wonder the average person you encounter feels they can as well.

People in general do not understand that obesity is NOT A CHOICE.  It's not like I chose to be fat.  I didn't sit down one day in 1st or 2nd grade and say, "Hmmm - you know what, I think I want to be overweight."

Why do I say 1st or 2nd grade?  Because I know that when I was younger I was thin.  But I have pictures of myself in 3rd grade - and I am no longer thin.

I spent junior high and high school being teased, called names and being belittled because of my weight.  One boy in high school decided that he had the right to call me "moose" every time he saw me.  I saw this "boy" again as adults.  We were both at a music teacher convention - and he decided then, as adults, that he should call me names and put me down in front of other professionals.  Needless to say, he is NOT one of my favorite people.

Is it any wonder that obese people struggle with weight loss?

Last week a former student of mine posted something on his facebook page that hit a nerve for me - big time.  He wrote (I may not have it exactly right - he has blocked me because of my response so I cannot go back to verify the wording):  "Dear Morbidly Obese Person:  Maybe instead of the triple cheeseburger you should spend that money on a gym membership.  You're welcome."

I replied about how rude I thought that was and that until you have walked a mile in someone's shoes you do not know why they are who they are.

He replied that this person needed "tough love" and needed someone to be rude to them and tell them the truth because being nice didn't work.

OMG - I was frustrated.  I attempted to explain that as a morbidly obese person who has tried over and over to lose weight and have failed over and over...there is more to it than that.  I tried to explain that most obese people feel horrible about it and wish with everything they have that they were NOT obese, but have failed SO MANY times they often give up.

I guess this incident really hit me hard.  Here is a 20 something who had me as a teacher at age 10 and heard my first day talk about how we don't EVER put people down.  That it doesn't matter if you are 45 or 7, when someone makes fun of you, it hurts.

As an obese person I can say that when you have tried over and over and over to lose weight and failed, over and over and over.  Your self-esteem goes in the toilet.

I can honestly say that I have had no self-esteem for as long as I can remember.  As people get to know me, some have been surprised to find that out because I always seem so happy.

I decided long ago that it was safer to be happy - or appear that way - than to let people see how little I believed in myself.

OK - total truth time - never put all of  this into words before....

High School was complete hell for me.  I was not treated well be people - but some of it was brought on by my own behavior.  I so desperately, desperately wanted to be liked and have friends.  I so desperately wanted people to notice something GOOD about me instead of always pointing out my weight.  So what did I do?  I bragged about my grades or anything else that I did well.

Did this help me - NOPE.  It only made things worse.  Now not only did they think I was fat - they thought I was vain.

A classmate did a "great" job of bringing it all back to me at my 20th reunion.  There was a slide show that a classmate had put together.  One of the pictures I submitted was a birthday party picture from when I was like 6.  The other kids there were mostly from my class.

This classmate, at age 38 for goodness sakes, when he saw that picture said, "Look, it's when Molly actually had friends."

Those 7 words pretty much summed up all of my feelings about school.  In 7 words he ruined my class reunion for me.  In 7 words he pretty much determined that I would not be back for another reunion.

NEVER in my life have I stood up to those people who felt it ok to belittle or make fun of me.  NEVER in my life did I have the guts to say, "Yes, I'm fat.  Yes, I wish I was thinner.  Yes, I need help."

So when this young man posted that rude comment last week - I spoke out for the young woman he was putting down.  Why?  Because I remember the years of silence and pain.  I remember how horrible it feels when someone teases you, puts you down, belittles you and thinks they are "helping" you.  I also remember the pain of wishing I could tell them how they made me feel, but not having the guts because I was sure all that would lead to was more teasing and belittling.

To this day I cannot stand up for myself.  I have been taught through years and years of "training" or "conditioning" that I am paranoid and think people are out to get me.  That I "make more of things" than I should and I "take things too personally."

Yes, those are honestly the words and phrases that have been said to me by a person whose opinion mattered more than anything to me.  I learned to believe that I should allow people to treat me this way and just take it.  So now, at age 44, I still cannot stand up for myself for fear that I'm just making too much of it.  I have been conditioned to believe I should allow people to treat me that way.

My last 8 months have done much for my self-esteem.  Writing this blog has allowed me an outlet for my emotions and my thoughts.  I can write here all the things I wished I would say to these people who feel they can treat people rudely.

Before I started this journey, I would never have replied to this 20 something and told him how wrong he was.  I would have read it and fumed silently.

What is bringing this all out today?

The American Medical Association has adopted a new policy that officially labels obesity as a disease "requiring a range of medical interventions to advance obesity treatment and prevention," according to an AMA statement.

That's right - as of today - Obesity is a disease.  Something that every obese person has known in their heart.  

"Obesity has been considered for a long time to be a failure of personal responsibility -- a simple problem of eating too much and exercising too little," he said. "But it's a complex disease... we're hoping attitudes will change."

I am thrilled that the AMA has made this statement and hope that it means that obese children will not have to grow up thinking that their weight is their fault, that they are a failure.  

It is my hope that with this newly adopted policy, obese children and adults can get the help they need to defeat this disease.  

I am not naive enough to think that just because the AMA has adopted this policy that all public views will change.  But I hope, as they do, that attitudes will change.  

I became a teacher to "help kids through the hell we call high school."  I wanted to be a teacher that kids  knew they could trust and count on.  A teacher that kids knew would be there for them.  I wanted to be able to be a place for kids to come and feel safe and respected.

I hope this new policy will help make our society a place that helps obese people through the hell we call life as an obese person.  I know it won't be immediate, I know it will take time.  But if it can help save ONE person from feeling like I have felt my whole life, it will be awesome.