So all day I was thinking about what to say, how to say it. Then, I came to the computer tonight to blog and found that I hadn't published the post I wrote in October. Weird. But decided that was a sign of what to write about. AND THEN, I saw a friend and fellow music teacher and their post about what happened to them today - yep, another sign.
Relationships with students: That's what I blogged about in October but forgot to post. That's what this fellow music teacher posted about. That's what my day was about as well. So, must be what I'm supposed to talk about.
My facebook status this morning at 8:30 was about the fact that 3 years ago at that exact time I was , headed into a surgery that would change my life forever. My gastric bypass was May 7, 2013 - 3 years ago today. Wow - hard to believe it was only 3 years ago. But yet hard to believe it was JUST 3 years ago. In some ways it feels like a life time ago and at other times it feels like it was recent. (which may be because I've had a few surgeries in the past 3 years. LOL)
As I was posting my status this morning, I was sitting on a school bus taking students to State Large Group Music Contest. I was surrounded by teenagers that I see every day. A couple of them knew I'd had surgery, but they didn't know me 3 years ago...none of them did. So none of them knew what I looked like then. Most of them didn't realize I haven't always been this size. One of them looked over my shoulder and saw the 2 pictures I was posting. (one of the students actually took the "now" picture during a voice lesson recently when she stole my phone)
The students who were around me, after one seeing the pictures, all had to see. They were shocked. they didn't believe picture #1 was actually me. Here is picture #1. This picture was taken spring of 2011.
The students didn't believe that was me. Here is what they see every day. This picture was taken by a high school student recently.
Then for a minute or so, some other students took a look as well.
What does this have to do with relationships? Why did those other things give me a "sign" about what to say?
I'm embarrassed about what I looked like "before" - I'm ashamed. I don't like what I looked like. I used to be super embarrassed to see pictures of myself - there are not a lot of pictures of me from then. I was behind the camera, not in front of it. There are not a lot of pics of me with my kids or with Mike from the "before" years because I didn't want to be in them. There aren't a lot of pics of me with them now either - but only because I'm the picture taker in the house and have to give them the camera if I want to be in any. They are so used to me taking pictures, they don't think of doing it themselves!
Back to relationships - I'm embarrassed by what I used to look like. But you know what - it wasn't hard to show that picture to the students around me because, I knew I was "safe" - I knew that they wouldn't make fun of it - not even behind my back. How did I know this? Because I know the kids and have built a relationship with them. I knew in my heart that even though I'm embarrassed by what I looked like, the students weren't going to think poorly of me or make fun of the old me. And believe me, I've had students make fun of me for being fat. I know how that feels too.
But I've worked to build a relationship with the students, to know that I'm there for them. That I'll listen, that I care. They know that I trust them I mean, they take my phone and take my picture and I don't freak out.
Honestly, I started this year extremely nervous. I was going to be working at the HS with the 7-12 vocal students in small groups for voice lessons. My last experience with students at the same HS was 2 years ago. I was a substitute for 3 days. The 3rd day I had a "horrible" experience with some students (it was only some - most of the students were awesome, so this is NOT a commentary on my school in ANY way!). Anyway, I had a bad experience with some students and decided I would not sub there any more. I was not given an opportunity to build a relationship with those students at that time, there are numerous reasons why, but that's not important.
So I was terrified to start working with these students - ALL of the 9-12 choir students had been in the classes I subbed for those 3 days. And the 11th and 12th graders were present for the "horrible" experience that prompted me to leave. So the idea of going back and working with those students knowing that they had been there, terrified me.
It was all for nothing. My experience has been nothing but positive. I have loved every minute of it. I have gotten to know some absolutely fabulous kids. Not as well as I wished since I literally get to teach them about 15 minutes a week. It has taken me most of the year to be confident about names of the students since I see them so little and have 400 other students I see daily and whose names are in my brain.
But still somehow, I have managed to build a relationship with most of these kids. They matter to me. And on some level I truly believe I actually matter to them. They notice when I'm gone, they "lecture" me about me being gone and how they didn't like that and they wanted me to be there. That's a good feeling as a teacher. That lets me know that somehow, in some way, I'm doing something right.
I'm a FIRM believer that as a teacher I teach STUDENTS not curriculum. The student and their well being is so much more important that the curriculum. If there isn't some relationship built between you - they don't learn. They go through the steps, they do what they are told, but the real learning doesn't happen. Knowing the kids and their backgrounds and their history makes such a difference when you are a teacher. It allows you to teach the student, not the work. My friend's post on facebook was about him seeing a fellow teacher at his contest in Minnesota today and his fellow teacher was carrying around a baby. That baby was the child of one of this teacher's students. The student had contacted the teacher saying she had no child care so she would not be able to attend contest. The teacher could have said, fine, stay home. But he didn't, he said, bring the baby. Without saying the words, he told that student...and every other student in his group .... that she mattered to the group, she was important and just because she was a teen mom didn't change that.
My friend said that this teacher thought to himself that he needed to remove all the barriers to this kid's learning. That's why he said to bring along the baby. It would have been more convenient to leave the girl and her baby behind. But it wouldn't have been better for the girl. This teacher told her that she mattered. He showed her, and all his students, that he cares about ALL students, regardless of their circumstances.
Powerful. Because that is SO what I strive for. I want all of my students to know that I care about them and want to be their teacher - and their circumstances don't change that in any way. But I can't do that if I don't KNOW their circumstances. This teacher could have thought this girl was just making excuses, but he knew her, he had a relationship with her to know that she wasn't doing that. She was being respectful and telling him she couldn't attend. She could have just not shown up. That relationship is why she contacted him - she respected him and wanted him to know she wouldn't be there. I bet she was shocked when he told her to bring the baby - but notice, she trusted him and did it.
Back to me and my 3rd year anniversary. I'm NOT proud of what I used to look like. I'm not proud of being that over weight. But I AM proud of what I have accomplished. And you know what, those students today who saw my pictures - they were proud of me too - at least that's my interpretation. There wasn't laughter, there wasn't smirking - there was true astonishment. I've seen the laughter and smirking with others before who have seen the "before" - I know what that looks like. That wasn't there. And I have to believe it's because we have built that relationship.
I'm fortunate, I get to work with amazing kids every day, I get to share their lives and I get to watch them and their accomplishments and I get to cheer them on and praise them. I see their struggles and I get to be there to ask if they are okay, do they need help. I'm so, so lucky to do what I do every day.
So, in a roundabout way, this was about my 3rd anniversary. My self-confidence is SO MUCH more since my surgery. When you aren't ashamed of what you look like, it allows you to be more open. 5 years ago, I wouldn't have shared a picture of myself with students, I would make sure they did NOT see it. But what does that really teach a child? That if they are over weight, they have something about their looks they don't like....that they should be ashamed of themselves? By not trusting myself enough to be that open in the past - I have sent the message that I wasn't "enough".
These 3 years have taught me - I AM enough, for exactly who I am, whatever I look like. And THAT is the message I want kids to get from me. That no matter what they look like, what they weigh, what their personal circumstances are - they are "enough" and they are wonderful. I don't want any student of mine to think that I don't think they are "enough". Every child deserves to think they are "enough" and not feel badly about themselves and think they need to be better.
That doesn't mean that we can't encourage them to achieve more or higher. But we should never give them the message that they are lacking or not worthy for some reason. Until I believed that about myself, I don't know that I was truly able to give that unspoken message to my students. How could I if I didn't believe it about myself?!
These last 3 years and the journey I have been on has taught me so much about myself. These last 3 years have made me a better mother and teacher because I now love myself enough that it's easy for me to say to Maggie and Matthew and my students that they are wonderful JUST THE WAY THEY ARE and they are worthy of being valued. I've always said it - but kids are smart. If they see that you don't like yourself (and yes, they are smart enough to see that and feel that) - then they aren't going to believe you when you tell them they should like themselves. They're thinking in their heads - yeah right, she doesn't like herself, but she tells me to like myself. Ha.
So these 3 years have taught me as a mother and teacher that you can't preach it if you don't practice it. I've always known that, and probably said it - but now I believe it and "get" it. Those relationships I build with my students, they mean the world to me. I have former students who are now parents and I still have a relationship with them - I now call them friends. That is amazing.
Maggie, Matthew, any former or current students who read this - YOU ARE ENOUGH, you matter, you are perfect just the way you are. Don't ever let anyone (including yourself) tell you differently. You are amazing!
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