As parents we teach our children that when you start something, you finish it. You may have decided that that activity or sport or project that you started is not as awesome as you thought, but you have made a commitment and you need to follow through.
So, when is it okay to back down on that? When is it okay to not complete something you have started? And if you as a parent don't always finish everything you start, how can your make your child stick it out if they really dislike what they are doing?
This is the dilemma we faced with Matthew and football. In second grade he went out for flag football in Estherville. He had fun. It wasn't his favorite thing, but he had fun. Last year, in 3rd grade, he went out for flag football again. Well, we went to the games every week, he played, but he had more fun hanging out with his friends on the side lines. When he was on the field playing, he was watching the friends on the side line. One week we forgot his mouth guard and he said, "That's ok, we can just go home." And no, he didn't forget it on purpose! We assured him that he wouldn't need to go home, luckily they had mouth guards for sale in the concession stand! He wasn't upset, he played.
We got the impression after last fall that he had decided that football wasn't his thing and he wouldn't be going out again. Then came 4th grade and well, football became more of a big thing among his friends. And wow, now they have TACKLE football starting at 3rd grade, no more flag football.
Mike and I talked about football before talking with Matthew. We thought we knew his thoughts, we were sure he was not going to go out, especially since it was now tackle. Wow were we wrong. He was so excited to play. We did a lot of talking to him, trying to make really sure that this was what he wanted to do. Mike played football until his senior year before deciding he didn't HAVE to play even though he didn't enjoy it. So we wanted Matthew to know that we were not expecting him to play, that he had the right to choose whatever he wanted to play, he didn't have to do something because he thought he should.
Nope, he desperately wanted to play football, so off to sign up we went. He got fitted for a helmet and pads. Mike and I had discussions about whether we would hold strong on the you finish what your start mantra. We figured that once he got tackled, he would not want to be playing anymore. We had decided that if he decided he did not like it, we would let him out of his commitment this time.
Practice started, he LOVED football. He was having so much fun. He came home a sweaty, stinky mess after each practice. He was loving it. Then they started wearing pads and tackling. His enthusiasm waned, he complained about aches and pains in his legs, arms, neck, etc. But he still claimed to enjoy football. Infact, he told me that he couldn't play as well as the other boys because they had cleats and he didn't yet. So, off we go to buy football cleats.
I KNEW I should have held off on the shoes. Sure enough, after 2 more practices (2 whole wearings of these new cleats), he came home saying he really didn't think he wanted to play football any more. That was last night. He said that, but then said he was thinking about it.
Fast forward to tonight at 5:30, football practice is at 6:00. Matthew comes to me and says, "Did dad tell you that I don't want to do football anymore?" We have our sit down and talk, I call the coach and we let him quit football.
So what does that mean for us as adults. When do we allow ourselves to call it quits? When do we say enough is enough and give up on something we are doing? Do we follow the mantra we give our children and say you see it through, you finish what you have started? Do we follow our hearts when we know that something is wrong and for our own emotional health we need to stop?
It's a hard, hard road. A few years back I was asked to direct the bell choir at a church I belonged to. I was excited, I hadn't done this before, but it sounded like fun. I spent time going through the music, seeing what all there was there for us, arranging practice times and setting aside time in my life to do this. Because when I do something, I give it 110%.
First practice, or rather meeting, happened. Two of the members who had been in it before showed up and TOLD me how I would run practices, what songs we would be playing, and how I would handle things. Whoa...this was NOT what I signed up for at all. I had signed up to reorganize and restart a bell choir that had been faltering. I did not sign up to do what 2 people wanted and be their puppet.
I went home from that meeting and cried and cried. I think it took Mike giving me permission to let myself of the hook. I was crying and struggling because I didn't know how I was going to do this to my 110% level when I was going to be expected to do it someone else's way. But being me, I wasn't going to just quit, that's not who I am, I don't quit. Mike told me that if doing it was going to cause me this much turmoil, it was simply not worth it.
I ended up driving to the pastor's house and knocking on the door and resigning that evening. I sat in the pastor's living room crying and crying because I felt so guilty for quitting. Fortunately for me, he was very understanding and could see how hard this decision had been for me.
Funny, now I am in a new town and I asked if I could revive the bell choir in our new church that hadn't been in existence for many years. We are in our 2nd year and we are having a blast. Had our first rehearsal last night and we are making tons of progress! Everyone is enjoying themselves and I am loving it!
As adults we often hold ourselves to standards that are much too high, not allowing ourselves to be human, to make mistakes, make mistakes in judgement or to fail at something. Every day at school I tell students that it is okay to make a mistake, it's okay to try and not succeed the first time. I tell them that we ALL make mistakes, we all goof up, we are human.
Do you allow yourself to be human? Do you allow yourself to make mistakes and not punish yourself for your mistakes? We tell children that from our mistakes comes our learning, our growth. Are we, as adults, allowing ourselves to learn from our mistakes and grow and change? Everyday I learn something from my students. It may be a silly 8 year old joke, but it makes me laugh and smile.
Smiling and enjoying life, that is what we should be doing. And maybe sometimes it is okay to "call it quits" and allow yourself to not complete something. A smile and a laugh can sometimes be the best medicine you can possible find.
Have you allowed yourself to make a mistake and to laugh at your mistakes? Take time to enjoy life and enjoy what you are doing. When we take things too seriously, we end up not enjoying our lives and our surroundings. No commitment to a task is work your mental or emotional health. Give yourself a break, allow yourself that freedom.
Today my son quit football, something that was NOT his cup of tea. He felt guilty for letting the team down, but he felt relieved because he was no longer letting himself down, he was no longer forcing himself to do something he truly did not enjoy.
Don't let yourself down, allow yourself to be human, and remember to enjoy your life.
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