People in Authority Roles

When a person in a role of authority says something to you, you respect it, right?  I mean come on, that's what we teach our students, listen to the teacher, do what they say, etc.  But what about when that Authority figure says things or does things that should be not only disregarded but ultimately reported?

What do I mean by that and how does that relate to The Inner Skinny Me?

In talking with a friend, who like me was not the perfect size 8, I realized that things I had come to think I deserved I did NOT.  I'm talking about doctors and how they treat their patients.  This friend told me that she had been at the doctor for a routine exam and the doctor said to her, "I want to take all you fat girls and put you on an island with no food for 6 months."  Implying that being fat is totally our own doing, has nothing to do with genes, etc.  My friend said that she didn't say a word, but tears rolled down her cheeks.  The doctor had the gall to then tell her he was glad she was crying because then he knew she at least cared about being fat.  Seriously - a doctor talking like this to a patient?

So your first reaction may be..."I would have gotten up and left."  or "I would have sued him."  or something to that effect.  But let's look at this from the "fat girl's" perspective.  This is a professional, your doctor.  When a doctor says something you listen.  Now, even though he was totally out of line, there was more going on here.

Speaking from experience, I will tell you that over the years of being the "fat girl" you are fortunate enough to be called many, many names be people.  You are lucky enough to have many people think that they are entitled to judge you and tell you how to live your life.  You have the good fortune to be ENTITLED to be judged by every non fat person you encounter.  You may be thinking, "No, Molly.  People don't really do that."  But I am here to tell you, oh yes, they do.

I taught for 2 years in a small town.  I learned a LOT about myself in those 2 years.  I learned that I NEED people around or I go stir crazy.  Granted, I live in a small town now, but this small town was less than 1/6 the size of where I live now.  We graduated 7 I believe one of the years I was there.  I know some classes were as few as 4 graduates!  I grew up in what I considered a small town, but it had nothing on a town this small.  I learned that when you are fighting with your husband and you live in a town that small, you have no where to go to get away from him!  I also learned that I was NOT willing to put up with being treated poorly by an authority figure.  I had THREE different authority figures say/do things that were absolutely intolerable. I did nothing about 2 of them, and tried to do something about one.

I can remember sitting in the lunch room (the school was so small that the staff ate in the same room with the students).  I was sitting next to our Elementary Principal.  I taught K-12 music (vocal, band, everything) and I was the drama director.  So this woman was my boss.  There was a young boy, probably 3rd grade or so, who was very over-weight.  Being a big person, I didn't look down on him, I felt sorry for him because I knew that he didn't want to be fat, but he was.  Sitting next to me, a fat woman eating a 1/2 sandwich and a glass of milk trying to eat sensibly and at least maintain my weight, my principal had the nerve to say to me and the other adults, "Fat people have no one but themselves to blame.  They eat everything in sight, eat junk food for meals.  They deserve to be fat."

Wow, I deserve to be fat?  She wasn't talking directly about me at the moment, but this 3rd grade boy.  Seriously, if she was willing to talk that way about an 8 year old boy, what did she say about me behind my back?  I sat there, didn't say a word.  What could I say?  You ignorant woman, look at what I am eating, I am not eating everything in sight, I am eating a 1/2 sandwich and when I am done I will still be hungry, but I won't be eating.  No, to someone like her, the point would be moot.  Besides, she was my boss, how do you stand up to your boss?

During the 2 years I was there I, of course, needed to have my annual exam.  The town didn't have any MDs, but had 2 PAs.  I was confident in their ability to care for me.  AFter this exam, I had a hard time going back, but when you live in that isolated an area, you don't have much of a choice.  While doing my breast exam, the PA had the nerve to look at me and say, "Your breasts are massive, how do you deal with them?"  Seriously, she was a woman, don't you think she should know better?  Not only a woman, but a PA, a professional person.

The final incident happened with my Superintendent.  One morning he stopped in my room between classes. In those few minutes he "needed" to pass on to me that I was no longer allowed to sit in the folding chairs in the school because "You are too fat, you will break them."  I cannot even begin to tell you what that did to me.  My ability to even go to work deteriorated.  I had no desire to be in that building.  I was finally so upset that I decided I had to do something about this.  I called the State office of the TEacher's Union.  Unfortunately, in that state and in the rural schools like this, very very few teachers belonged to the union and schools had the right to do most anything.  I was told by the union unless my weight was a handicap, the only thing he had done wrong was to act unprofessionally.  I had absolutely no recourse.

Well, somewhere along the line in contacting the state, my Superintendent got wind of the fact that I was trying to do something about the way he treated me and spoke to me.  NEVER before in the 2 years I was there had I ever been talked to about my work not being up to snuff.  No, the band didn't get the best rating possible at contest, but the band consisted of 6-12 grade students.  Beginners and 7 year veterans!  The students and I had picked a slightly harder piece than previous years because they wanted to raise their expectations and strive for more.  They and I knew the risk of the ratings, but thought it was worth it to strive to be better.  NEVER did I hear anything about not getting the best rating possible.  Well, that spring I was informed that if I didn't quit I would not have a job there next year.  He never directly told me that it was because of my attempted actions against him, but he made enough implications to make sure I knew.  The "party line" was, however, that I was not a good enough teacher.

In future years, I had doctors tell me, "You need to lose at least 100 pounds."  and then walk out of the room.  Seriously - 100 pounds?!?!?!  Right, I'll get on that and see you next week.  Come on.

What I'm trying to say through this babbling tonight is that as easy as it is for an observer to say, "STand up for yourself, don't let them treat you that way."  When year after year, person after person, authority figure after authority figure you are told that you are fat, you are not worthy, you deserve this.  Or if authority figures do NOTHING to stop what they see others saying or doing to you - you start to believe that you SHOULD be treated this way.  It becomes natural to have people saying these things and you are expected to just put up with it because you deserve it.  I am NOT saying that is how I, or others, should respond but I am telling you that we become conditioned to expect that kind of treatment and that somehow you deserve it.  Your self-esteem plummets and you just keep plodding along.

What does that mean for me as a teacher and a human being?  I have always told anyone who asks me that I became a teacher because I hated school.  I didn't hate the learning, I hated the environment.  I was never a popular kid.  I had a few friends and a lot of classmates.  I wasn't a partier either.  I was a music and theatre geek, but not even accepted my many of them.  I have always said that "If I help ONE person through the hell we call high school, I will feel like I have accomplished something."  I am fortunate that I have had former students tell me I did help them through school, so I feel like I have done some good in my job.

So what do I do now?  I work VERY hard when talking to or with a student who has been acting poorly, to not say that THEY are naughty, but that their behavior is.  That they are making poor choices.  I don't want to be that authority figure who makes them expect to called bad or naughty.  I make sure that students understand that every day with me is a fresh, clean slate.  I do not hold previous bad choices against them and that I hope they won't hold my bad choices against me.  I make sure to tell them that we ALL make mistakes, we all make bad choices and we learn from them by accepting responsibility for them and moving on.  I work very hard to make sure that I listen to my students when they stop me in the hall and want to tell me about their lives.  When I see a student in public I talk to them, I treat them like they are special - even if they drove me crazy that day!

I cringe when I see an adult or authority figure yelling at a student and making them feel sub-human.  I think that plays into why I hate American Idol.  A friend of mine messaged me today that she doesn't know if she can give up AI, but my blog made her think about it.  I don't expect to change everyone's actions and things they like to do/watch.  I am just saying that because of my life I can not tolerate watching respected people publically humiliating someone.  NO, we don't all have talent.  But, how about helpful encouragement and constructive criticism.

The show I do watch is "The Voice."  Even when no one turns their chair for a singer - there are positive things said to that singer, they are given constructive criticism and they leave feeling like they were great even though they weren't selected.

Oh but Molly, we don't really hurt people when we tell them they aren't good at something, they are young, they are wonderfully resilient.  I leave you with this.  I wish I had a dollar for every adult who has told me that they can't sing, they have a horrible voice.  They almost all tell me that their elementary music teacher told them not to sing, just to mouth the words.  If kids are so resilient, why do these adults still believe that they can't sing and remember being told that as a student?  Honestly, they all believe that they can't sing - and in probably about 95% of the cases I have heard them sing and guess what...they can sing.  They may not be Lady Gaga, but they can sing and stay relatively on pitch.  Like, I would sit next to them and sing and be happy.  But they believe they can't, so they don't and won't.  THAT is how much a person in authority affects the lives of there subordinates.