Pushing the Limits

Oh, the woes of being the Superintendent's child.

In our town it is tradition to TP during homecoming week.  Our house was just hit again for the 3rd night.

Still trying to figure out how they come, do it and leave all without us hearing or seeing a thing and we are 20 feet away in the house!

***Funny note, just had to take a 5 minute break typing because I caught a group of 4 kids in my backyard being VERY noisy.  They were "hiding" from the police.  Really, and you think the superintendent's back patio is a good place to hide?!?!  ***

Tonight a friend of Maggie's invited her to go TPing tomorrow during/after the football game.  She texted dad for permission to go.

She did not like the response...NO.

It all comes down to one simple thing - she's the daughter of the Superintendent of the schools.  And unfair as it seems, she is held to a different standard by people in the community.  All it would take is one person deciding to make an example and she would be the perfect scapegoat.  So, rather than take a chance, we tell her no.

"So if I was someone else's kid you would let me go?"

Hilarious - if you were someone else's kid, we wouldn't have a say in it!  Oops - she did NOT want to hear that!

Our kids have grown up being the kids of an administrator and a teacher.  They haven't known any other life.  And honestly, they have handled it quite well.  On rare instances, they question us and tell us how unfair life is that they can't do something.  But they have never yet said they wished dad was not the superintendent or that I was not a teacher.

Why?  Because, in their heart of hearts, they do understand our reasoning, they just don't like it.

Kids really do "get" what adults tell them.  They may not like it, they may not adhere to it, but they get it.  Kids have a better hold on right and wrong than we often give them credit for having.  But they also are kids and make mistakes and push the limits.

Kids, let's face it all of us, like to find the limits ourselves rather than listening to someone tell us what they are.  At school we see it all the time...kids know the expectations, but they want to see just how far they can push it and how much they can do without getting in trouble.  NOT because they are bad, but because it's natural.  Kids want to learn how far the limits really go first hand.

Often times that pushing appears like sneakiness or outright defiance.  Then the adults respond to the sneakiness and defiance.  I am guilty of this just like any other adult in a school.  We don't stop and think before we act, we act impulsively to what we think we saw.  We assume we know what they are doing and why.

We forget what it is like to be a kid and learning where the boundaries are.

I am far from perfect when it comes to this in my classroom.  I can't tell you how many times I have jumped on a behavior during class only to find myself apologizing to that student a minute later.  I make sure that I do apologize because it is important that the students realize that yes, we too make mistakes and it's okay to admit it when you make a mistake.

A good rule of thumb I am working to live by is to count to 10 in my head before reacting to a misbehavior.  I work very hard to think that long before talking about what the consequence will be for the action.  Why?  Because once you say something - as a teacher or a parent - you need to follow through with it or you lose your credibility with them.

I think all teachers have said at some point in their career, "The next person who talks...."  MISTAKE, because someone WILL talk!  And you have to follow through with what you said because if not, they next time they won't believe you.  Most teachers only do that once before they realize not to say that!

As a parent we have all made threats about what we will do if.... and then we don't follow through.  Why?  Because it is a hardship on us and we don't want to have to follow through.  But our kids learn that if we don't follow through and push the limits further.

The last thing I want to do at school is give up my 10 minute break in the mid-morning when the kids have recess.  It's a chance to go to the bathroom, check your mailbox and check your email.  But, the best way I have found to affect the behavior of a student is to tell them that we can "practice" the correct behavior during recess.

However, if you only ever threaten that recess time, kids realize it and know they are safe.  So, no matter how badly I don't want to lose that 10 minutes, I have to give it up periodically to re-teach the expected behavior that the student was having difficulty with during class or in the hallway.

A common saying is "If you Want It...Teach It."  So, that means when a child is having difficulty our job is to re-teach them so they know what it is we expect of them.  Too often we assume that they already know how to "behave" correctly.  The problem is, they don't.  We have to take the time to teach them what we expect.

Maggie and Matthew have had a lifetime of being taught what we expect their behavior to look like.  It's not likely it will ever stop.

It is often hard for our kids to live by and appreciate the expectations we, and the community, have for the children of the Superintendent.  But they are smart kids who truly do "get" it.  And even if they don't always like what these expectations are, they know they are the right things to do.

Kids will always misbehave, they will always break the rules, but when we remember that kids are kids and WILL push the limits, it makes it easier to breathe, count to 10 and think before reacting to their very normal behavior.

As for my own kids, they can push the limits all they want, but some expectations are just not going to go away as badly as they wish they would.  Fortunately, they get it.