The Ball is Rolling

I heard from the Bariatric Surgery department today.  I wasn't even thinking about it when I got the phone call.  I didn't recognize the number calling and I couldn't get to it right away, so I let it go to voice mail.  No biggy, probably a wrong number or a telemarketer anyway.  At lunch time I checked my messages and low and behold, it was from the Obesity Surgery nurse to schedule an appointment.

I immediately called her back.  Unfortunately, she was also probably at lunch and I had to leave a message for her!  I was sure to tell her when I was in class and when I would be available to take a call, I didn't want to miss her call again.

Sure enough, 10 minutes after my last class had left, she called.  I was talking with my Principal and I had to excuse myself to take the call.  I made sure to go and explain to him when I got off the phone.

It was a rather quick phone call, my appointment is October 11.  She pointed out it's a fun date... 10/11/12!!  But get this, it is a 4-5 HOUR appointment.  WHAT in the world will we do for 4-5 hours, I have no clue.  I meet with the head of the bariatric surgery department, that makes me feel good.  One of the things that makes me nervous sometimes is the fact that the University of Iowa is a teaching hospital.  Don't get me wrong, I think teaching hospitals are awesome, they tend to be rather on the edge of new things and leading the way in studies.  But this is my future, I want someone experienced, not a 1st year resident, doing my surgery.  So meeting with the head of the department makes me feel confident.

Talking to the nurse she said that my insurance will likely require a 6 month diet plan with the dietitian before the surgery.  I know this kind of thing is standard.  The dietitian is to help the patient start reducing their diet to be ready for the post-surgery diet.  Also to start an exercise regimen so that the patient is ready for that in the post -surgery mode as well.

Okay - not a surprise, but kind of a worry.  Why?  Because it leaves me room to fail again.  I have done dieting with a dietitian.  I have worked hard and always failed.  Now I feel like my entire future is on the line. If I fail this time will they kick me out of the program and let me live in my fatness?  

It is becoming more real now, I have a date for an appointment.  With that realness comes my nerves.  I love food.  (Obviously I love food a bit too much!)  But I love the flavors, the textures, etc.  My problem is that I never seem full, I always feel hungry.  I work hard to stop eating, to eat healthily (ok, not always), but when your stomach is constantly telling you it is hungry...

Ok, I know some would say that is a lack of will power.  My problem is, when I have had the will power and worked my butt off to lose weight and conquer this, it either won't go down no matter how hard I try, or it comes back with extra pounds with it.  For years I weighed the same weight.  It didn't matter if I ate crap or healthily, the weight stayed steady.  When I really tried a concentrated effort to be healthy, exercise and eat right, it worked for a little while and then came back plus more.  Since then it just keeps slowly creeping upwards.

So part of me is afraid that I will fail.  And part of me is afraid that I will succeed a little and then the insurance company will decide not to cover the surgery and I'll be stuck yet again.

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH - okay, sorry for screaming.  But I feel like it's a catch 22, damned if I do and damned if I don't.  However, I know that at this October 11 appointment, the answers to my questions will be given.  And then I'm sure I'll have more questions!

One of the things that my friend who had the surgery 18 months ago told me is that now she is never hungry. That feeling of always being hungry is gone.  THAT will be so welcomed.

I know that this isn't going to be easy, I am prepared for that.  I know that I am going to be changing some LONG standing habits, which also won't be easy.  I know that I am going to be establishing some new habits that I will need to continue for the rest of my life if I intend for this to be successful.  I know there are going to be times I question my decision, like when I have to take 30 minutes to drink 2-3 ounces of lunch.  (that's like in the first few weeks following surgery)  Giving up my Coke Zero - well, I should maybe start doing that now, one less thing to ditch later.  But I know that I have the best support in the world living in my house.  My husband is a wonderful and amazing man who is behind me 100% in this endeavor.  I've already informed him that I will need him to start walking with me to keep me going.  I won't make him eat the liquid diet, that would be cruel, but is certainly will affect what we buy for groceries.  He is totally on board with this and he is the most supportive and fabulous person.  He will be by my side 100% of the time, to help me through the hard spots so I can succeed.

You know what, a moment ago I said I should give up my Coke Zero now... I am going to do that.  I am putting this out there right now, blogging this will hold me responsible and accountable for this.  I am going to finish the Coke Zero in my house now and then, I am done.  I will slowly wean myself off of my 2 coke a day habit.  I have already started working very hard to drink much more water.  I have like 36 cans and 16 bottles left in my house and classroom, when they are gone, water it is.  I CAN do this.  And now that I've told you, I better follow through.  And yes, Mike, you can hold me to this!

So there, my goal by the October 11th appointment is to be done with my carbonation and caffeine.  To give up Coke Zero and drink water and lots of it.  I have a goal to strive for in my wait for the next month for the first step of my journey.

The ball is rolling and the fat had better be prepared to get out of the way!