Jolly

Tuesday morning I mailed in the paperwork necessary for the obesity surgery department to determine if I am a candidate for surgery.  Just mailing in the paperwork was freeing in a way I never believed possible.

I have tried SO many ways and times to lose weight and always fail.  I do NOT like to fail.  I decided about 15 years ago that I was done trying.  Every time I tried and failed, my self-esteem sunk lower.  My poor husband had to keep trying to pick me up from that and brush me off and make me feel like someone worth liking.

I don't know why I have always been an easy target for teasing and belittling and bullying.  It would be one thing if people made fun of me for being loud and over bearing.  Yes, I do know that I am loud, over bearing and bossy.  Believe me, I know.  Because of that, I have never made friends easily.  I seem to drive people away from me when all I really want is to draw them in.  I don't mean to be over bearing, I mean to be confident - but evidently I suck at doing that.  I am loud, I can't tell you how many times my mother has told me to be quiet, I am too loud.  So yes, I know that I am loud.  I was voted "loudest girl" in my senior class.  (still not sure if that was a good thing or not!  LOL)  However, I was also voted "most likely to become President."  So maybe my over bearing tendencies and my tendency to be bossy wasn't always seen as a bad thing?!??

So, if people had made fun of me for those qualities I wouldn't have liked it, but I maybe could have understood.  But no, I was made fun of for being fat.  I was called names, I was teased, I was bullied.  I can't tell you how many days I went home from school crying about things that happened during the day.

I, however, worked VERY hard to not show them they were getting me down.  I was that "Jolly" fat person, always happy, always on top of the world.  Even when I was dying inside.

I have had many people send me messages since I started blogging.  People I knew growing up or people who have known me as an adult.  A common theme is they never saw me as bothered by my weight, they always saw a strong, confident, happy person. So it never occurred to them that my weight bothered me.

Well, it worked I guess.  I put up that wall to protect myself, if I could laugh at myself, if I could be "jolly" and happy and confident, no one would know that I was dying inside, no one would know just how low my self-esteem was/is.  The unfortunate side of that, I built that wall so strong, I turned people away.  I appeared...wait, still do...appear aloof, I appear like I don't care, I appear like I need no one.  It's a defense mechanism, it's my way of protecting my heart.  If I don't let anyone in, then no one can hurt me, right?  WRONG, it makes for a very, very lonely person.

About 9 years ago something happened that made me look at life a little differently.  I told you earlier that I was always told I need to brush things off, I was paranoid.  Well, something happened and my mother-in-law was there to witness it.  The next day she called to see if I was okay.  Well, I had once again been told I was being paranoid and making too much of the situation.  So when she called me to see if I was okay, I had to ask her why.  She said because of what she had witnessed, she wanted to be sure I was okay.  I seriously had to ask her, "You mean I didn't make it up?  I wasn't overreacting and being paranoid?"  I was 35 years old and for the first time I can remember, someone (other than my husband) was telling me that what I perceived WAS true.  That I was NOT paranoid, I was NOT overreacting.

That was the most freeing moment ever.  It gave me permission to have some belief in my own judgement of situations.  Situations where in the past 35 years when I felt hurt or betrayed, I had been taught to believe I was overreacting.  I mean seriously, if my MOTHER-IN-LAW says what she witnessed was horrible and I had a right to be hurt, I could believe it!  (Love you, Mary!)

From then on, I have been more able to stand up for myself.  It allowed me to accept myself for who I am and start to like myself.  I am NOT saying that my self-esteem immediately jumped, but it started to creep up from the deeps.

So 5 years ago, I had a doctor tell me I had to lose weight.  I told him that I had struggled, I had tried and failed so many times that I finally decided that I was being more damaging to myself doing that.  I told him that I had decided to like myself for who I am.  He honestly told me that I shouldn't be happy with what I was, I should want to lose weight.  Of course, I put on the "jolly" appearance and let him speak to me that way.  And I tried and tried to do what he wanted and tried to please him, to get him to be happy with what I was accomplishing.  The end result - I am now 15 pounds heavier than I was when I started with that endeavor.  So lucky me, I failed again.

Last weekend I saw my friend who had surgery 18 months ago.  She would tell you that she had tried and failed many times too.  This time, she succeeded and she feels great.

I should stress that my low self-esteem is NOT because I am fat.  I like myself inside and out.  My self-esteem has been battered years after years by inconsiderate people who don't think, just act.  They don't consider what they are doing to another person.  My self-esteem has sunk year after year from failing to be what others thought I needed to be.  I am not pursuing surgery to raise my self-esteem, losing weight will not do that for me.  That is something that for the last 9 years I have been working very hard to raise.  Believe me, I still have a LONG way to go, my own demons to get past.  But it has raised and I do more to protect myself from being hurt.  But that wall I built is still there, strong and tall.

So my point tonight - people who are different from the "norm" pretend that it doesn't bother them when others belittle or make fun of them.   I have heard people say, "Oh they don't care, they laughed."  DUH - do you really think that someone is going to let you know that you are hurting them?  I mean seriously, do these people really think that fat people don't care if someone laughs at them or calls them names or tells them they are to blame for being fat?!  Do they seriously think skinny people like being called zipper and being called sick and anorexic?  Do they think gay people like being called a fairy or queer or a dyke?  Do they think people with learning disabilities like being called dumb or stupid?  Or how about someone in a wheelchair?  Do people think they like to be asked constantly why they are in the chair?

In most of these situations, these people (fat, skinny, gay, people with learning disabilities or physical disabilities) these people act like it doesn't bother them.  Because for some reason, in our society it's okay for people to belittle and make fun, but it's not okay for people to stand up for themselves or defend themselves.  When they do, they are called paranoid, overreacting, etc.  And then the teasing gets worse too.  Because when people tease and bully and get a reaction - a ha, they have won.  So of course, we put up a front, we build our wall, we protect ourselves.

I said I wasn't pursuing surgery to raise my self-esteem.  I am pursuing surgery because I want to be healthier and be there for my children and grandchildren.  I have wanted to do this for many years but have been too scared to try, afraid to fail once again.  My friend has convinced me that I can succeed and I can do this, and I believe her.

I'm not asking for your sympathy for myself or anyone else who is "different" than others.  I am asking people to think before they act before they say something about another person.  People may act like they don't care, that it's no big deal - but I am here to tell you that YES, THEY DO care and it is a big deal.  If people would simply think first, our world would be such a better place.

So the next time you think someone is "jolly" and nothing will hurt them... please think twice.  Don't help people build their walls higher and stronger, instead, be genuine and kind and think of their heart.