Mike and I are blessed with 2 wonderful children. We had been married 8 years before Maggie came along. She was a complete and total surprise. We had been dealing with infertility for 6 years and had finally decided to stop the emotional roller coaster of fertility treatments and go the adoption route. We discovered that adoption is incredibly expensive. So we were saving for the first step in the process. We had 3/4 of the money for this step saved and had a plan for the last 1/4. Then, on June 1, 1999 we found out that I was pregnant. Yes, after 6 years of trying, struggling, we were pregnant and it was a shock. I went to the doctor to get a test knowing that it would be negative AGAIN. When the nurse, who was a friend of mine, came in with the test in hand, I started to bawl. Soon the nurse was crying as well. It was such an emotional day.
Three years later, Matthew was also a complete surprise. We knew Maggie was going to be an only child, our miracle baby. The 3 years in between the kids, we did nothing to stop another pregnancy because we knew it took 6 years to get Maggie, we knew we didn't need to worry. Then comes April 24, 2002 and I find out I am pregnant again. Wow, what a high that was! Since I had been diagnosed with Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome back when we were doing the fertility treatments, we knew that getting pregnant was going to extremely difficult if not impossible and here we were with a 2nd pregnancy.
By the time we had Maggie I was 31 and Mike was 30 and we had been married for 8 years. We had a lot of time to really get to know how to be together and have a LOT of conversations about how we wanted to raise our children. We also had many of friends who had children and we knew things we wanted to try to avoid, things we wanted to try to make sure we did, etc. Plus, we were both teachers and had seen many parenting styles and their effects in our students.
I'd like to say that 8 years of preparation made us perfect, but that would be a lie! Evidence of that lack of perfection would be doors slamming by an angry junior high aged daughter, my son jumping of a roof so he didn't get caught, a 3 year old daughter peeing in the middle of Wal-mart because she didn't get her way, and my son creating a facebook page for himself where he is a 61 year old African American male from Florida. Oh, and maybe I should mention the completely rational and sane and never overreacting responses of Mike and me! Ha ha ha. So no, we are FAR from perfect parents.
In my 12+ years of being a parent, I have grown and changed as a person in ways I never imagined. They have both taught me so much about myself and about relationships. There are times I think we have the stereo-typical household; a daddy's girl and a mama's boy. Matthew loves to snuggle with me and give me hugs and call me and talk. When he's hurting, I am the first person he comes to. He and I are a lot alike in the respect of our love languages. We are both definitely words of affirmation and touch. Maggie is not and never has been a snuggler, neither is her dad! She is a bookaholic, just like her dad. She is much more apt to tell dad what is going on at school or with her friends than she is to tell me.
Now on the other hand, Matthew doesn't want me to read to him at night, that's dad's job. When he has school work questions he asks dad, not me. Maggie may tell her dad what's going on, but if she needs ideas or suggestions on how to deal with a friend issue, she comes to me, and then I have to get caught up since it was her dad she told about it first! When she needs school help, she comes to me. When she wants to text and be silly, she texts dad. When she has questions about what needs to happen, she texts me. And Matthew loves his boy's days with dad and Maggie loves her girl's days with me. So we aren't totally one-sided in our relationships with the kids.
I sometimes wonder what we did to deserve such great kids. When Maggie transitioned into a toddler bed from her crib, it went smooth as silk. We think a HUGE thanks goes to Gail Johnson, our daycare provider, because the kids there were trained during nap time that you stayed in your napping place until you were told you could get up. At home, that carried over. Maggie did not get out of bed in the middle of the night, she didn't get up early and wake us up, she didn't get in and out of bed at nap time. Maggie went to bed, stayed in bed and got up when she was told she could. Now, she did sometimes get up, get a book or a toy and then get back into bed to read/play until we told her it was morning. We don't know how this happened. We never told her she couldn't get up, we never threatened to spank her if she got up, we just kissed her and put her to bed. Matthew wasn't quite as good as that, but he never was a get up a million times a night kid either. If they woke up in the night, both kids just put themselves back to sleep, they didn't come get us, they didn't cry. They would just roll over and go back to sleep.
Maggie is in 8th grade now. If any of you have daughters, you know how "wonderful" 8th grade is for girls and friendships and attitudes! (hear sarcasm in the word wonderful) Now I am NOT saying she doesn't have her moments, but generally speaking, she is pretty awesome. Yes, doors slam. However, she knows she doesn't want to do that too often because dad has told her that a door on her bedroom is a privilege, not a necessity. And she knows that he will follow through. Yes, she screams at us (and us back at her at times), but after a cool down period, she doesn't even need to be told that she should apologize, she comes to us and apologizes and we talk rationally. And likewise, we apologize to her if we were the ones yelling.
Matthew is a 4th grader and he is ALL boy. I mentioned jumping of the roof and making a facebook page. He has also ridden his bike over his own glasses, called 911 to be silly (4 times), and broken an arm by riding his bike and not watching where he was going. Like I said, all boy. Funny thing about Matthew, he is our diva, he is more emotional than Maggie ever was. He does more stomping away angry than she ever did at his age. Where she brushes things off quickly, he holds grudges. But overall, this is one caring little boy we have. He is so sensitive to the feeling of others. If he feels like his sister is hurting, he cries and tries to fix it for her.
Today, Mike and I went to Iowa City to do some shopping. When we left, the kids each had a "to do" list with 8 items each. Now I am not talking 7 small items. They had cleaning to do, toilets, sinks, empty garbage, and they had to practice piano for 30 minutes each. Of course they asked when we would be home, gauging when they would need to start and how much time they had to play video games or watch TV. But we had no doubt that when we got home their lists would be completed.
I was reminded a couple of days ago that I should not take this behavior for granted. A friend of mine, with children a couple years younger than mine, was talking on facebook about the struggle to get her 6th grader to do her homework and practice her instrument. She asked if she should let her daughter miss things and then pay the consequences or if she should quietly suggest, repeatedly, that she do her homework. I replied, "Not suggest, tell." Her husband replied that "tell" works even more poorly than suggest. I told them that in our house homework and practicing comes before TV, playing with friends, video games, etc. My friend replied that they too had similar expectations but it still didn't always work.
I guess I have taken my kids' behavior for granted. They aren't threatened, they don't fear, but they know that if they don't do what they have been asked/told to do, there will be consequences and that we WILL follow through. For example, we have a saying with Maggie, "Watch your tone or lose your phone." Meaning, if she is talking back or taking an attitude with us, we will take her phone for 24 hours. I think we have had to do that only 3 times and she has had a phone for 2.5 years now. With Matthew, it's losing video game time that has an effect. He lost it for a LONG time after the 61 year old facebook incident, but other than that, maybe only once or twice for short periods. They always get a reminder before a consequence comes into play, everyone needs a warning or reminder, that's only fair. But they know if they continue, we will follow through. But even though they know that, they don't feel angry toward us about it or resent us when it happens. They realize that their actions caused it, not us.
What is my point here tonight, I am not really sure. I would love to be able to say that Mike and I know all the answers to raising perfect kids. But that would need to go into a joke blog, not this one! But I think we are getting something right. We talk with our kids, we talk with them a lot. We answer their questions with as accurate of answers as we can. We don't sugar coat things to make it easy for them. We listen to them when they have questions.
You know, I think that is where this is going. Kids need us to guide them, they need us to be their moral compass, to help them learn the world. They need us to help them figure out how to interpret the actions of others around them. When they come to us with a problem, we listen first, we ask them how it makes them feel and we NEVER tell them their feelings are wrong. I think that is the biggest thing I can say has made them as self-confident as they are. We don't negate their feelings, whatever they are. We don't tell them they are over-reacting or what they are feeling is wrong. We don't try to justify what the other person said or did. If another child has hurt them, physically or emotionally, we tell them that they are right to be hurt, they are right to be mad and that other person was wrong in what they did. And then we go on to help them figure out how they can deal with it and not let it hurt them. Sometimes it means getting a tougher skin because you will never be able to change someone else. But we don't say it in a way that makes them feel like they are in the wrong. I should mention, that before we go on to help them deal with it, we ask them what THEY did that may have caused it. Did you say something, did you do something, did you deserve it and you just don't want to have to admit that you deserved it? I am not saying that we tell our kids they are always right, far from it. But we also do not always tell them that the other person was right. If the other person was in the wrong, we will say that. Just like if our child was in the wrong we will tell them they were the ones in the wrong.
Kids need us to help them learn how to cope with the emotions and the dealings with other people. How to deal with the put downs from others that inevitably will come. I grew up letting the name calling, teasing and bullying lower my self-esteem. I came to think I deserved to be treated that way.
I will never let my children think they deserve to be treated that way by another person. But I won't lie to them and say it will never happen. Kids can be cruel to other kids. It's a fact, not an opinion. We work hard to help our kids be prepared to deal with the emotions that come along with that. Our kids will come to us and tell us what happened. We talk it through and we figure out, together, how to make it better, or how to avoid the situation next time. Or, how to deal with it emotionally if it happens again. We can't change others, but we can change how we react to others. We can change our own attitudes and behaviors.
We have worked hard, and will continue to work hard to teach our kids that letting others control how you feel about yourself gets you nowhere.
There is a story I read once about a professor who took a large pickle jar and filled it up with rocks. He asked his class if the jar was full. They responded yes. Then he took a cup of pebbles and poured it into the jar, shook it around and allowed the pebbles to fill in the empty spots between the rocks. He asked again if NOW the jar was full. The students said that yes, now it was full. Then he took a cup of sand and poured it in until all the space was filled up and asked if now the jar was full. This time the students said yes, again. He related this to life. The rocks are the majorly important things in life, your family, your career. The pebbles were the lesser important things like your possessions, your friends. They were important, but they filled in the gaps between the essential things in your life. The sand, he said, was the inconsequential things that are in our lives, the stuff that will take over and fill in all the cracks and separate you from the important things. His message, don't let the sand fill your jar first leaving no room for the rocks. In other words, don't fill your life first with the little stuff and not leave room for that which is really important.
That sand is the teasing, the name calling, the bullying. We talk to our kids about this and remind them not to let the sand take over their lives. Fill your life with the rocks. Surround yourself with that which is essential to your happiness and well-being. Then give yourself some room to enjoy the pebbles, the extra things that are nice, but not essential. And work hard to give the sand as little room as possible, don't let the little stuff control your life.
Can we all help our children, or children in our lives if you don't have your own children, work to keep the sand out of their lives? Can we help them learn to love themselves for who they are and what they have, rather than allowing the sand to control how they feel about themselves. Can we respect them for their feeling and emotions and never negate what they are thinking and feeling. They may be small and young, but their feelings and emotions are huge and important. Can we treat them with the respect they deserve and help them learn to deal with the world they live in so that the world doesn't lessen how they feel about themselves.
Fill your lives with your rocks, enjoy your pebbles and keep the sand to a minimum.
After all these years (has it really been 23 years this month?), I am grateful that I can consider you one of my rocks!
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