Am I really doing this?

Blogging...what self-indulgent people do, right?  That is what I have always thought about blogging. Why would anyone basically keep a diary and make it public?  And who in their right mind reads them??? 

Well, this weekend I had two HUGE "A Ha" moments and my view on blogging, and on my life, has changed.

This weekend I finished the book "The Percussionist's Wife" by Monica Lee.  It is a memoir of her life with her first husband.  In her book she is very honest, forthright and authentic.  I happen to know the author, grew up with her, and I know that she did not take the decision to write this book lightly.  I think for me the fact that I knew the author made her book even more effective for me as a reader because of her willingness to share all and not be shy about it.  She, like I, was always the good girl growing up.  Straight A's, do the right thing, etc.  Her ability to allow herself to share what she went through, what she was feeling, made me realize that it's okay to allow yourself to be vulnerable and open up.

So thus, my starting a blog.  What to blog about is the 2nd "A Ha" moment from the weekend.  My Blogger title says it all "The Inner Skinny Me!"

For as long as I can remember I have been overweight.  Okay, let's be honest, fat.  If you look back at pictures of me, I was a cute, average weight preschooler.  The first picture I see in my mind when I think about growing up is me in 3rd grade.  I was in the newspaper as one of the 2 class mayors.  The other class mayor and I had our picture taken with the city mayor and it was in the newspaper.  I had on "lovely" plaid courderoy pants and I think a turtle neck shirt.  My hair was neglected and I had on beautiful late 1970's plastic framed glasses.  I can get past the fashion fails.  But what I see is a pudgy, over-weight girl.

As I grew up, my weight did too.  I was called names, I was made fun of, but that will come in a future blog post.  The odd thing is that if I look at pictures of myself starting at age 8 and continuing to the present time - I see a fat person.  But when I look in the mirror every morning.  Yes, I know I am overweight, but I see past that and see a skinny me.  I once had a roommate in college tell her mother I was the same size as my roommate.  Hilarious - she was skinny, like size 2.  I was size 22 or 24.  But she told me that she didn't see me that way because I have a good outlook on life and always seem happy and because of that when she thought of me she thought of someone just like her.  More on why I am that way in another post.

So this weekend I was attending the wedding of my brother-in-law and I ran into someone I have known over 20 years, but hadn't seen her in about 5 years.  I did NOT recognize her when I saw her, I did a double take.  She had lost a LOT of weight.  But she didn't look sickly or bad, she looked healthy, happy and amazing.  She told me that about 18 months ago she had had gastric bypass surgery.  As silly as it sounds, it made me weepy.  I think I was crying most of the weekend just thinking about it.  NOT in a bad way but in a "if she can do it, so can I" way. 

I think it was fate that we would see each other this weekend.  About 2 hours earlier I had made the trek up a long set of wooden steps from the shores of Lake Superior to the townhome we were staying in.  OMG - I felt like I was going to die.  By the time we got to the top, I could barely lift up my legs, I was going extremely slowly and I could barely breathe.  My husband and I took the long way around to the town home so that I could "recover" from the stairs and not humiliate myself in front of the others who came up with us.  The went trotting off to their rooms at a happy, healthy pace and I felt like I was going to die.

So, running into this friend and seeing her fabulousness and hearing that her only regret was not doing the surgery sooner...it inspired me.  Infact, by the time I went to bed that night, I had already gone onto my clinic/hospitals website and requested an appointment.  I was going to go for it and see if I too could find the INner Skinny Me.

So blogging is my way to "get out" all the feelings and emotions I have inside me right now.  I feel liberated from talking to this friend and from reading this other woman's book.  So this blog is going to be a diary of my feelings and emotions from being the fat girl my whole life.  Feelings and emotions that I have mostly kept to myself forever.  And a way to track my journey on the quest of finding the Inner Skinny Me.  If people read it, great.  If I help someone else realize that they are wonderful just the way they are, great.  But I am doing this for me.

So welcome to The Inner Skinny Me.