My mom taught me, when I was quite young, that you should never assume. She broke up the word this way for me to visually see why to assume was something bad.
ass/u/me
Then had me separate it (remember, I was young).
ass u me
It's a lesson I have always remembered. She would always say then later, "Remember what assuming makes?"
In life we tend to think that those around us have the same skill set or knowledge base as we do. Children especially think that. For example, we are raising our children to believe that ALL people are created equally. That regardless of their skin color, political affiliation, sexual orientation, hair color, piercings, tattoos, religious beliefs, physical or mental impairments, etc, ALL people deserve to be treated equally and with respect.
Well, since our kids have heard that over and over again in their lives, it never occurred to them that not everyone around them believed the same way. I remember Maggie's response when she found out people opposed Iowa's new law giving same sex couples the right to marry. To her it was the most natural law to pass, so when she discovered that people were fighting it her response was, "Why? What does it matter to them if two people get married? It doesn't affect them."
We were proud of her response, but we needed to explain to her that not all people believed that way, that some people were very opposed to same sex marriage and even though we don't agree with them, we need to respect their beliefs. Everyone has a right to their beliefs, we don't have to agree with them but we must respect their beliefs just like we would expect them to respect our beliefs.
Maggie naturally assumed that everyone was being taught to think the same way she was being taught. She assumed that everyone around her had the same skills, knowledge and beliefs.
I think in many aspects of life we all are as naive as Maggie was. We assume things that are not fair to assume.
As a teacher, I have been in school for 38 years now. There are certain rules in a school that are universal. Don't run, don't talk when the teacher is talking, don't push, etc. I think we sometimes forget that not all people have been in school their entire life and don't live those rules/expectations day in and day out.
Wapello is beginning a new School Wide program called PBIS (Positive Behavior Instruction and Supports). ONe of the main premises of this is we must TEACH the students what the behavior we want looks like.
How do you do that? You don't fill them with all the don'ts and no's. You tell them what you DO expect, what you want it to look like. So rather than saying "Don't talk when I am talking" you say things like "Show respect for the teacher." Then in discussion you teach the kids what showing respect for the teacher looks like. You are sitting still in your chair, you are facing the front, you are looking at the teacher and listening.
Surprisingly (or not) students already know what NOT to do. If you ask them what they should not do during class, they can come up with a whole list of things. But when you ask them what they SHOULD do it gets a little harder. Not because they don't know, but because they have never approached it that way. Approaching behaviors in a positive way makes every situation a little easier a little kinder.
I started this year in class asking students to name rules for school. Sure enough, they all listed rules that started with DON'T or NO. I told them that I don't like rules because they are so negative. Students really respond well when you say, "I don't have rules in my classroom. Infact, I never have had rules in my room." They look at your like you are a little crazy.
I continued with, "I have expectations. These are the things that I EXPECT you will do, not the things I want you not to do, but the things that I expect you WILL do." Then I go through my expectations. 1) Always Try 2) Be Responsible 3) Show Respect
When I word it that way, the students can come up with all sorts of ways to show what that looks like, sounds like, means. They "get" that Always Try means you can't just sit there and not participate. But rather than saying it in a negative way, it is stated in a positive, "I will Always Try."
For 17 years I have had the same expectations in my classroom, not rules but expectations. I was thrilled when we decided to start PBIS here because it is the philosophy I have always taken in my teaching. Now I am NOT saying that I am perfect and amazing, far from it. I have always started the year telling them my expectations (not rules) in a positive way, but found myself degrading to saying Don't and No a lot.
This year with our focus turning to PBIS and positive, I am being much more conscious of the way I say things and how I focus on the behavior I want to change.
If you want it, teach it. That is a mantra I have heard for 25 years in college and now teaching. If you want the kids to do something, you must teach them how.
The same hold true for behaviors. Kids come from very varied backgrounds and homes. When you say, "Act like you would if you were in church." Well, not all families go to church. Some families allow their kids to crawl all over the pews in church. So essentially you are telling them to crawl all over the chairs. Or, to the kids who never attend church, they are completely clueless as to what you mean.
"Would you do that at home?" Of course, the answer you are expecting is NO because you would not allow that at home. But for many, many children the answer is YES. So they don't understand why you are getting so angry or frustrated with them.
This year in my classroom I am working very hard to focus on the positive and say things differently so that rather than pointing out the bad behavior I am pointing out the good behavior. Of course, I first taught them what the "good" behavior was that I was expecting. Now, when a child is having difficulty with this I ask them if they remember what it is supposed to look like. I also tell them that if they are having trouble remembering what it looks like, I would be more than happy to practice with them during recess so they can remember and won't forget any more. Hee hee, what a fun way to turn it around. They very quickly "remember" the correct way to avoid needing to practice it during recess.
I catch myself, often, reverting to old ways. "Don't ...." or "Stop ..." and then I correct myself asking them to remember or pointing out someone doing it correctly. One of my colleagues has a fabulous approach to behavior problems. When she sees a student doing something "wrong" instead of saying "Student, please stop touching the other student." She says, "Student, I really like how you are standing with your hands to yourself." Yes, she actually says that to the student who is touching the other student. It makes them stop, realize what they are doing, and quickly fix it. So she still talks directly to that student, but rather than pointing out a negative, she points out the positive. Kind of a reverse psychology, but it's working.
So I think about the world and this same idea. How do we teach tolerance and acceptance of all people? I said in an earlier post that we learn a lot from children. A friend replied with a quote, which I can't remember exactly, about how hard we as people work to teach hate. We teach the tolerance and acceptance right out of children. Children are naturally accepting of people. As adults we teach them to see the differences and to judge those differences. WE should really be learning from the children.
So how do we teach respect, tolerance and acceptance for all people, we model it. Children learn what they see modeled for them. If we are showing respect, tolerance and acceptance for all people, children will learn that and copy that.
We have great power and influence on the children around us - be sure that what you are modeling or teaching our children is worth learning.
This was a well-timed post. I needed it.
ReplyDeleteGlad my post could help.
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